“Tell me how’s the way to be, tell me how’s the way to go, tell me all that I should know.”

Where I am: 10w7d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation, occasional dizziness, dull cramps and sharp twangs


The birthday cake I baked for myself last night. :P

The birthday cake I baked for myself last night. 😛

This morning, as of 4:12AM, I turned 27…and I feel old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know, 27 is young. And when I move on to tell you that I intended to be a mother before I turned 27, many of you (older than me) may tell me that I’m still young. I still have time. And that may be true. And I may not understand what it’s like to be 30, 35, 37, and still not have any living babies.

But I had a plan. When I was growing up, it was to have my first baby at 21 (like my mother). When I grew up and realized I might want to have a career, the age changed to 23-25. When my husband and I got engaged, it changed to 25ish (after our marriage). In May 2012, at age 24, I got married. I turned 25 that year. The following January, we started TTC.

I thought I’d have a baby before 26. Then, before 27.

Well, 27 is here. I’m still not a mother…not in the way I intended. And yeah, I may be pregnant now, but I”m 5 days shy of my NT scan. And still a few weeks shy of the second trimester. I’m hardly home free, yet.

There’s just something about RPL/IF that changes the way you see birthdays. Instead of celebrating, it’s “Oh great. Another failed year. Still not a mom.” It just sucks.

What my messy, albeit decorated, cube looked like when I came in this morning.

What my messy, albeit decorated, cube looked like when I came in this morning.

And don’t get me wrong…I’m not lamenting this day. I baked myself a cake yesterday (hubby doesn’t come home until tonight) and my coworkers have made me feel quite good about myself. I have a Thai lunch date with my mom and my “work mom” this afternoon, so that’ll be nice. And who knows what surprises my husband will have when he gets home. Hopefully nothing extravagant (honestly) since we are in a money crunch right now.

I’m honestly having a good day. I’m just anxious. About a lot of things. I hope I get to celebrate my next birthday with a cute little bouncing 5-month-old.

In other news…like I said, 5 days and counting until the NT scan. I’ve been having dull cramps and short sharp (not too painful) pains now and again. My boobs still hurt. I still have nausea. I’m still constipated. I’m still tired all the time, and sleeping horribly, and waking up at least once in the night to pee. So as far as feeling pregnant goes, I feel pregnant. The pains down there just worry me. But I know growing pains are normal. My uterus is (should be) growing along with baby…and at the 11th week, it starts popping out of the pelvis, right? I don’t know when round ligament pain happens. But maybe it could be that.

All I know is I feel more pregnant at roughly 11w than I did with my last pregnancy. Could be because I am following it more closely…but I don’t think it is all in my head. At the very least, my body is still acting like it’s pregnant. I hope Lucky Bug is growing and thriving in there.

Too Much

Where I am: 7w4d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food (and smell) aversions, congestion, headaches


I woke up this morning and felt like the nausea was gone. Granted, I barely ate anything yesterday because I felt so sick, and then barely ate anything today until I came home and had a huge dinner. I actually just stuffed my face, regardless of the “small meals” rule, because I want to pretty much induce the nausea.

How fucked up is that?

My boobs still hurt. I guess I can take comfort in that. And I’ve been congested the last few days.

I overdid it so bad this weekend. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I was dead by Sunday afternoon. My arm and good leg muscles ached. I was exhausted. On Monday, I had a migraine and the little food I ate (fruit, some bites of chocolate, ice cream, chips and dip…I know, wicked healthy, right?) gave me the shakes. I got in bed before 8:00PM, and fell asleep by 9:00PM. I slept nearly twelve hours last night. That alone was a testament to how done my body was with me.

The panic and paranoia has set in. I feel like it’s all going to be over on Friday. Nothing anyone tells me will make me feel otherwise. I just feel this dread, from head to toe. I find myself wondering what it’ll be like when I’m back on the other side, again. With three losses under my belt. Back to square one. Unable to face my family ever again during the holidays as I reach two years since I told all of them we would be trying to have kids.

And I fucking hate it. Because should this pregnancy miraculously continue, I think I’ll feel guilty about how little I enjoyed these first twelve weeks.

I’m overwhelmed by everything. Not just this pregnancy. But everything. I overestimated how much I thought I could handle.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs, or responding to tweets. I’m definitely withdrawing, which is usually what I do before I slip into depression. I’m trying to be there for you guys, and know I have been reading as many of your tweets and all of your  blogs I can manage. I just don’t have the energy or concentration in me to comment. I know that makes me a shit friend. I won’t be offended if you guys return the favor. I don’t expect much attention if I’m not giving it.

But know that I’m thinking of you all. Those of you starting or in the middle of new cycles, some of you who are very freshly pregnant and stuck in the realm of uncertainty, those of you who are progressing with your pregnancies and have reached milestones such as viability or the anatomy scan or are almost due. And those of you who’ve received heartbreaking BFNs lately. And those who have received BFPs only to be devastated by a chemical pregnancy. I’ve been following all of you. I’m thinking of all of you.