Oh, Praise the Crimson Gods!!!

Where I am: CD29
Medications: none
Symptoms: death by cramping


I spoke too soon! AF is most certainly on her way here!

Cramping started lightly last night and quickly ramped up today to maximum pain about an hour ago. I had some spotting and (weirdly) **TMI WARNING** some very dark brown discharge (old blood? from last cycle? I’m not sure…anyone had this happen on Clomid?) today. But I’m 100% positive I’ll wake up to full flow tomorrow—with the way my uterus feels right now—and be able to declare it CD1.

Phew.

This means I’ll be CD10 on the 18th, which means my 2ww—should everything go to plan this time—will end sometime while we are on vacation…when and where exactly depends on when I am allowed to trigger.

Yikes!

Anyway, just wanted to jump on here and inform you all that AF’s en route. Baseline ultrasound will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I’ll post an update with either good or not-so-good news after that appointment. Fingers and toes crossed that I pass with flying colors. Also, time to order the Clomid 50mg.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cuddle with my husband with a heating pad on my tummy and grin through the excruciating pain because obviously I’m happy about this!

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Still Nothing to Report in TTC Land

Where I am: CD28
Medications: none
Symptoms: still moody, still pimply, still PMSy!


Well, it is CD28 and I am still waiting for AF.

Still waiting.

I know a lot of you have waited longer. I know that this is nothing. But it’s been 18 very long days since I found out this cycle was cancelled and I am just so ready for the next cycle to begin.

Even if it will be cancelled, I want it to begin so I can move on.

And it could be cancelled, if it takes me another week! Our vacation is at the end of this month. I don’t mind sticking myself with a needle, or having sex (haha, like I would mind), or even waiting out the 2ww on my vacation. These are all things I could do.

But I need to be monitored before I can trigger. Which means I need to at least reach CD10 a week or so before we leave. Just in case I need a few more days before trigger.

Anyway, we saw our first house yesterday evening. It was crazy. Walking into someone else’s house and wondering what it would be like to live there. Seeing the four bedrooms upstairs and wondering what a crib and changing table would look like in the smallest one…

…it was only the first house. We are in NYC next weekend, our realtor will be in CA, so we won’t see another house for almost another two weeks. But at least, our feet are wet. We’ve seen one.

I’ve been packing. Well, earlier this year I packed up our whole “bar” consisting of all the hard alcohol we owned. Because I was so hoping I wouldn’t need it before we moved. J and I have started packing up our box sets and movies and video games. And I started packing up the barware last week.

Packing gives me a feeling of reality and control. I’m so happy with my new job and our soon-to-be new home. But these are things I can somewhat control, whereas a lot of what goes into TTC is out of my hands.

Anyway…hubby is at drill this weekend so I am on my own. I slept in, I’ve been packing, I’ve been watching more of Private Practice (almost done with the second-to-last season as we speak!), been drinking some beer I bought last night!

Something else I thought of today, as I stepped on the scale, is that I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon. Seriously. I keep saying I’m going to get back on and never do. Well I stepped on the scale and I’m rebounding, hard. It made me sad. Really sad.

More than anything, I want to be healthy. For myself and for my future baby (babies). Second to that, I want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I want to be the skinny hottie my husband first fell in love with. And since I started Weight Watchers a month before my second BFP, it’s been up and down. I did well, then I was pregnant, I gained no weight, then I miscarried, then I gained, then I lost a little, then I plateaued, then I started losing again, and I reached 22lbs total loss, and now I’m starting to bounce back up.

Trying to lose weight or be healthy or whatever while TTC is so hard. It’s a constant yo-yo, back and forth. At least for me. During the tough times, I fall off the wagon. And the tough times are always around the corner.

But, tomorrow, it starts again. Tracking with my Weight Watchers calculator. Exercising daily.

Waiting for Aunt Flow

Where I am: CD24
Medications: none
Symptoms: moody, pimply, PMSy


It’s June! It’s June, it’s June, it’s June.

And I am telling you what I am not going to do.

I’m not going to get my hopes up. No, ma’am.

I’ll be honest with you. I want to get pregnant this month. And I feel like it could happen. I heard back from the RE about the dosage of Clomid I’ll be on (50mg, down from 100mg) and after being a little panicked and disheartened (because I hear about how so many don’t respond to 50mg) I was reassured by a select Twitter buddy or two that since I over-responded to 100mg, 50mg should be perfect for me since anything other than IVF requires a maximum of two mature follicles per cycle. I am so hoping this is the case. I am hoping my body and lady bits are okay, and that my baseline will be fine, and that my ovaries will tenderly and reasonably accept the Clomid and produce a few good strong happy follies and I’ll trigger and everything will be great.

But…BUT…I am not holding my breath.

Because I’ve still been achy down there. I’m concerned my ovaries might be a little effed up from the last cycle and possible OHSS. I’m preparing myself for a bad baseline. That I may need to take a cycle off to allow my system and lady bits to normalize. I’m also preparing myself for a poor response to the Clomid, be it under- or overstimulation. It could happen. We are evidently still figuring things out.

But this month is going to be good. I’ve got a lot of happy things going on. It seems every weekend is full of something to do. My niece’s birthday is this weekend, so I’ll be going with her and my sister-in-law to get a mani/pedi (I am SO OVERDUE FOR ONE OF THESE!), maybe a concert with my cousin the weekend after that. In a few weeks, the hubby and I will be spending a weekend in NY for a Swarovski event (don’t ask, haha). At the end of the month, we’ll be attending one of his Iraq battle buddies’ weddings. The next morning, we leave for our vacation. Washington DC for the first half, Virginia Beach for the second.

In December (because, little did we know, Baby Bean had passed weeks before), he had to put in his vacation time with his job and, given that they didn’t have paternity leave, he took his time off around when the baby would be born. Since we thought everything was fine, and everything would go right this time.

Whoops.

July 6th, 2014 is going to be a bitch and a half to get through. To counteract that, we are taking our vacation during that timeframe, instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves because we know why he really has this time off. We should be saving the money (though my parents, as J’s birthday gift, will be paying for most if not all hotel expenses) since we’re buying a house this summer, but we both agreed we deserve the break. We haven’t taken a vacation together since our honeymoon two years ago, so this is well overdue. We deserve to get away, to enjoy the time rather than bemoan it. On the 6th, I will be by the ocean soaking up sunlight and saltwater. I’ll probably be out to dinner with my husband that evening. We will acknowledge our loss, and probably feel sad…and I might even cry (read: probably)…but we are not going to wallow.

So even if we have another cycle cancelled in a row, or are anxiously awaiting the results of the cycle (which, if AF comes this week–and she should because my face looks like a pimple warzone–we could be), we are going to keep our heads up. I am going to keep my head up. I need to keep going with the flow, rolling with the punches, this summer. For the first time since I started grad school in the fall, I’ve been enjoying the weather and my friends and family–and I need to keep that up. TTC be damned. Especially at the end of this month, and the beginning of this month.

Phew. Okay.

In other news, as the title and previous paragraphs suggest, I am waiting for Godot Aunt Flow. My face is breaking out, my emotional stability yesterday was insanely tenuous, and I am CD24. Last cycle was 27 days long (granted, I was on progesterone that time, and the sudden drop in the hormone once I stopped probably helped AF along), so I’m hoping sometime this week will be the day. Whether I pass the baseline or not, I just want to know so I can move on with this month, you know?

I have also decided to take it upon myself to seek a specialist help regarding my thyroid problem. There’s one in the endocrinology department at the office I go to near my apartment, so I’m calling them today after I leave work to set up an appointment. I appreciate and really like Dr. O, but he’s got a lot to worry about. My thyroid, my pituitary, my ovaries, my uterus, blah blah blah. I understand he can’t dedicate all his time to figuring out my thyroid. And honestly, I think having one person focusing all their energy on this problem will be better than him doing it anyway. Less distraction, right? I hope so. I need to do what I need to do to get my rainbow baby.

I’ll check back in later this week, ladies (and gents). Hopefully next time I do, I’ll be in the throes of a new cycle. 🙂

Happy Mother’s Day

Where I am: CD1
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


Well here I am. Cycle Day 1, and it’s Mother’s Day.

How is that for ironic?

Honestly, you’d think I’d be upset about that…but truly, honestly, I’m not. Since I got my BFN beta on Wednesday, I have been willing my body to do its natural thing. Since I was 12 or 13, I’ve had long periods and long, random and infrequent cycles. Sometimes they would come every 4 weeks, sometimes 4 and a half, sometimes 5. My body is unreliable.

My fear was, with all the medications and the messing around my RE has been doing with my body for surgeries and procedures, that my body was—again—going to be confused and not get into its natural process on its own.

But it did. Thank God. I started cramping yesterday around dinnertime and by midnight I was spotting. I declared today CD1. If anything, all the manipulations have made my body more reliable. It’s weird. I used to cramp for days before my period, but the last two have involved cramping for less than half a day before AF shows her face.

I’m happy because that means we can get started again this week. I’ll call the office in the morning and hopefully they can get me in tomorrow or Tuesday, because Tuesday would be CD3 and I want to be able to start Clomid if I pass my baseline ultrasound. Fingers crossed for that.

I was going to treat myself to a manicure today, but I’m seriously in so much pain (that much hasn’t changed, apparently). Because I take aspirin daily, I don’t want to risk a stomach ulcer by taking ibuprofen every 4 hours (which used to be the norm for me), so I pretty much have to suck it up and get over it. I might try taking acetaminophen. That doesn’t work as well, though. Blech.

So instead, I’m going to couch-potato it. I finished Seasons 1-4 of Parenthood on Netflix and am now watching the most recent season on OnDemand (here’s hoping it gets picked up for a sixth season? I hear it’s still not confirmed yet…). I think I’ll binge-watch the show, eat some Easter chocolate, maybe drink some wine, and just relax.

Of course, I’ll be thinking of my lost babies. Specifically Baby Bean, who would’ve been 7mos grown in my belly at this point. I can’t ignore that fact.

But what I can do is hope for the future. Maybe this time next year I will have another baby, healthy and alive and kicking, in my belly. Or maybe I’ll have a little 2- or 3-month-old in my arms. Who knows?

I know I am a mother. Whether society sees me as one or not, I am a mother. I was a mother the day I got that first positive pregnancy test.

I’ll be thinking of all of you today. Those of you who’ve never been pregnant yet but are still trying. Those of you who want to be pregnant, but don’t have the means right now. Those of you who’ve been pregnant for a short time, like me, but lost their babies too soon. Those of you whose babies were only on this earth for a short time. Those of you who are pregnant right now, scared and nervous and guilty (though you shouldn’t be). Those of you who have your rainbow babies, be they biological or adopted.

We are all mommies. Happy Mother’s Day to you all. ❤

And the Verdict Is…

Where I am: CD24 [14dpt(rigger)]
Medications: none
Symptoms: same old, same old…


My hCG level came back undetectable.

I am not pregnant.

There’s a good chance that, despite my desperate attempts to be happy and not let it get me down, I’ll have a good ol’ cry in J’s arms once I get home. Then again, maybe not. But probably.

But honestly, I think I’m good. I think I’m okay. I have my eyes on the future.

Plus side for the day is I don’t have to take any more Crinone starting right very now. No more gooopy hoohah! Hopefully AF makes her appearance by the weekend, because I’d awfully like to get started on the next cycle!

And my RE (Dr. O from now own, and no that’s not a pun…his last name actually begins with O) wants to do the same protocol as last time, meaning the Clomid/Ovidrel trigger. I call on CD1, they do a baseline before CD3, and if everything looks good (which, if my ovaries know any better, they will) then back around the TTC circle we go!

My hopes for the next cycle are that I don’t end up with one incredibly large-and-in-charge follicle and a whole bunch of others that are smaller. Normal growth is what I’m aiming for this time. At least 2 or 3 good ones. That aren’t ridiculously huge.

Anyway. Work day is almost done. I had this post sitting in my drafts with “I am/am not pregnant” written there for hours. It bums me out that I had to delete the affirmative. But what can you do? Nothing but go home to the copious bottles of wine I have waiting for me…plus a sweet, loving husband exhausted from drill who just wants to snuggle and watch TV, and a nice steak dinner that we’ll be cooking together.

“There’s no harm in hoping for the best as long as you’re prepared for the worst.” 

― Stephen King, Different Seasons

Impatiently and Anxiously Awaiting CD1

First, a PSA: my About Me page is up and running, if you’re interested.

I finished my month-long estrogen therapy on Thursday, which means I finished the five days of progesterone as well. Now we are once again playing the waiting game (isn’t TTC after miscarriage just one giant waiting game?) and anticipating the day when AF make its appearance. That in and of itself is weird, because I haven’t had a regular period since September. I’ll be calling my doctor’s office on CD1 so we can schedule a baseline ovarian ultrasound and officially get this first Clomid/HCG-trigger cycle underway.

Everything about this cycle is different. Absolutely everything.

When we first started trying, it wasn’t like we were really trying. I stopped taking the pill, and we went about our lives as normal. I didn’t chart or take temperatures or “schedule sex.” It was all very passive. And we were pregnant within two cycles.

The second time around was slightly different. I still wasn’t charting or temping, but I was using an app to try and figure out when I was ovulating (which was always wrong because my AFs were ridiculously late after the first D&E). When two cycles came and went and we still weren’t pregnant, and I had that “you’re most fertile after a procedure” nonsense floating in my head, we went to see my OB who assured me that stressing wouldn’t help and that I should instead focus on losing weight. We left that appointment and walked straight into the Weight Watchers downstairs and signed me up immediately. I let TTC fall to the back of my brain, lost over 10lbs, and didn’t even realize my period was late the following month. I had my second BFP.

This time, though, is different…because it’s the first time we are actually setting out to definitely get pregnant this cycle.

It’s not a wait-and-see type of thing. It’s not a “we’ll have sex whenever” kind of situation. No, it’s “I am giving myself this shot and we have to have sex these three days and then we test two weeks later.” There’s just something about how calculated this is that throws me. I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who’ve been doing this from the beginning, and I don’t know how you did it. The anticipation, the anxiety, the structure.

It’s a claustrophobic type of feeling, like I’m in a box with little space to move.

And yet…at the same time, I’m grateful for it. For all the specificity, and the timing. I know once CD1 does come about, I’ll only have to wait four weeks to find out if it worked or not. It’s different in that way, too. The fact that I won’t have to guess whether or when I ovulated, or if we had sex or not during ovulation…that I won’t be having 5- or 6-week cycles that trick me into thinking I’m pregnant when I’m not.

It’s weird, too, because we literally haven’t had TTC sex in over six months. Six friggin’ months. Four months since I was actively pregnant. What a long, long road it’s been to get here.

So, we wait. We wait until CD1. Then we wait until my follicles are ready. Then we wait until the end of the cycle to see if I’m pregnant or not.

We wait.