I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

NEVER MIND—Cycle Cancelled

And my hopes come crashing the fuck down.

I’m sorry for the f-bombs. I’ve been dropping a lot of them in the last hour or so.

In my last post from all of two or three hours ago, I said I was probably good to go. That we had a good amount of follies.

The office called and said they were recommending to cancel the cycle. My follie sizes were 10mm, 11mm, 13mm, 13mm, 14mm, and 17mm. They think I am at risk for 3+ multiples.

Really? Really?? I feel like that would never happen. Never in a million years.

I’m not sure what to think right now. I’m upset. I was riding on a high and all excited and “infertility can’t have May anymore” and now this. I can tell you right now, I’ve got zero fucking positivity in me right now. Zero. Nothing.

I am considering trying anyway. I wouldn’t trigger, because that might cause all the eggs to drop. But I’d buy an OPK, track, and have sex around O time. And hope that only one or two drop.

But I don’t know. I’d have to do progesterone twice a day to guard against not having enough in my system to support a pregnancy. Which, I’m not really concerned about, because it is the ONLY fertility med my insurance is covering and is only costing me $20 every time to refill it.

And I’m of course nervous about getting pregnant with more than 2 babies. I have RPL, so that’s obviously not advisable and is probably why my RE didn’t want to risk it (although the nurse said it was because I was only 26 and they don’t put that much risk into younger patients with good FSH and all that shit).

But at the same time, what are the chances? What are the chances?? And I feel like if I don’t do anything, I’ll regret it!

Thoughts, anyone? Please? Even if it’s a no, I want to hear it.

Totally Lost in a New Experience

Where I am: CD13 [3dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily (started this morning)
Symptoms: stomach is on-and-off weird, achy feeling in ovaries just started to let up this morning


So here I am, officially in the 2ww.

I’ll be honest, yesterday I was seriously doubting this cycle. My ovaries had been achy for days and I was starting to become paranoid in thinking that 30mm was actually a cyst and that’s why my right ovary was still so sore—because it was still in there! Plus, I’m paranoid that I somehow f**ked up the trigger and that maybe I’m not ovulating…

…see, ladies, I’ve never done this whole, like…I don’t know, “tracking” thing. I never did basal temps, or investigated my cervical goo, or…any of that. J and I just tried. We just didn’t use protection and I kind of tried to have us baby dance around when my period app told me I’d be ovulating, and it just happened. Twice. It would be annoyingly awesome if not for the fact that I miscarried both times.

Hoping this means I didn't f**k it up! :D

Hoping this means I didn’t f**k it up! 😀

So in short, I don’t know what ovulation pains are like. I’ve never paid attention to any of this. So now I find myself in the weird position of thinking “I know I should be ovulating because I triggered” and genuinely not knowing if I am, because I don’t know how that feels.

It’s kind of aggravating.

Anyway, I digress. I took HPTs the morning after I triggered (10 hours later, to be precise) and this morning—see photo—and there was a visible line both times. I am taking this as a sign that I didn’t screw anything up, the HCG is in my system, and is hopefully triggering (or already triggered) ovulation. I woke up this morning and my ovaries felt significantly less achier than yesterday. In fact, my uterus now feels a little achy. Maybe there’s little eggies and spermies gettin’ busy in there, who knows. I can only hope.

But that’s about all I’m going to do, is hope. And test every other day until the line disappears and/or starts getting darker (and then I might test every day).

Sidenote: I also started my progesterone suppositories this morning. In my hoohah. Weird friggin’ feeling, right? Sheesh.

My final project for one of my classes in graduate school is due Wednesday. I’m not even halfway done with it yet. We have a make-up class from a snow day tonight, so I’ll be heading into Boston early to work on the project with the Adobe programs there at school and gathering a little plethora of questions to ask my professor when we use computer lab time to work on the projects and get feedback. Sunday through Tuesday is going to be rough as I pull together the rest of the pieces…and then class is Wednesday night.

SO! If you don’t see me here on WordPress for a while, don’t fear. I’ll be back once this semester is behind me. But honestly, I need to put infertility and the 2ww in the back of my mind so I can perfect this project and get an A in this class. Wish me luck! I’ll try to check in with you guys occasionally, but if not, baby dust to those of you trying this cycle and good thoughts and vibes to those of you awaiting second betas and/or ultrasounds!! ❤

** Edit: I originally posted “3dpt” up at the top of my post, which apparently means “days past transfer” not “days past trigger.” My sincere apologies for screwing that up. As I just said, I know nothing! 🙂 **

Now I’ve Done Some Things In a Bathroom Stall, But *THIS*…

Where I am: CD10!
Medications: Ovidrel trigger, injected at 10pm!
Symptoms: dudes, my ovaries are achy as hell…


Oh my God, what a day.

Honestly, guys, I have this huge final project hanging over my head due next Wednesday and all I could think about on the train ride home from class was how bad I wanted to type this post.

As you know, I was CD10 today. Showed up at 8:15AM for my ultrasound, and after much poking around (oh my goodness, “stimulated” ovaries are very tender to the touch—owww) the ultrasound tech told me I had a 10mm, 11mm, and 12mm on the left and an 11mm and a—wait for it—30mm on the right!

No. That’s not a typo. Your surprise was my surprise. And the tech’s surprise.

So of course she says she can’t believe it’s so big so early, and sends me on my way with promises of a phone call later that morning or early afternoon. As my husband is driving me back home to drop me off at my car so I can race to work, I’m Googling the shit out of “30mm follicle Clomid too big?” and other searches and finding mixed signals. Enter the face of defeat. Of frustration. Of sadness.

Got to work, told my mom the bad news, she told me to stop with the damn Googling (but ladies, come on, we IF-ers are the queens of Google are we not? she just can’t understand), and to go about my day. So I did (with some more Googling and posting on Twitter—follow me @dreams_rainbows if you aren’t already—and on my BabyBump app). And 4:00PM starting drawing near, and I started to get nervous, because I needed to know if I had to fly home and grab the Ovidrel out of the fridge and bring it with me to class.

The second I tweet about it, the office calls. I flee my cubicle and find a spot in the hallway to talk. As she’s speaking, three people walk down the hall talking loudly, so I rush into a side hall. They follow. I rush past them to the stairwell and apologize to the lady that I couldn’t hear her and she starts all over again. Explains I’m good to go! I ask about the 30mm, she says my RE looked it over and the baseline and said it must be a follicle!

*takes deep breath* Continue reading