Quick Update Before Vacation

Where I am: CD20 (8dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: digestive issues, woke up one morning and almost got sick, nauseous most mornings, craving random things—all probably Crinone-related


I’m sorry for being away for so long, and just a heads-up that this will be a short entry as we leave for DC tomorrow morning and we are so behind in packing and have a wedding in NH tonight.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t really wanted to sit down and talk about it. Even now, I don’t really want to get into all of it, but I figured I owed you all an update. I’m going to bullet-point this shit, because…well, like I said, I’m tired and I have so much to do!

Regarding My Leg

  • had follow-up X-ray on Wednesday (freaked out about possible pregnancy, technician quintuple-shielded me—literally cleared the rack of all the aprons and put them all on me)
  • current state of fracture requires no surgery, but will if it worsens
  • orthopedist wants me to take 325mg aspirin, but said I could stay on 81mg if RE said unsafe for pregnancy…RE’s nurse told me to go ahead and take the higher dose, I asked if safe for pregnancy, she didn’t answer and just said my health and preventing blood clots is important…are you serious?
  • stiff brace, zero weight-bearing for 4 weeks
  • (if looking better) dial brace—adjustable for bending—partial weight-bearing for 2 weeks
  • eventually, physical therapy
  • monitoring requires X-rays but this could change if I end up pregnant…see Regarding TTC

Regarding TTC

  • faint line on cheapie earlier this week (trigger still there)
  • crystal-clear BFN this morning, second morning urine (trigger out of system)
  • OTD is in 4 days, July 2nd…any positive test from here on out is a BFP
  • if this cycle ends in a BFP, orthopedist and I will have to have a conversation on how to monitor my leg because X-rays are the only way of checking to make sure the fracture has not worsened
  • if this cycle ends in a BFN, there’s a very good chance that TTC will be sidelined until after my leg is better due to required X-rays and physical therapy—this notion is a dark cloud following me everywhere 😦

Other things to note…I’m off the Oxycodone for a few days now. The pain in my leg isn’t constant anymore, but there are flare-ups. Honestly, the worst pain is in my hands and arms from crutching around. My other leg is pretty worn down, too, from compensating from the other leg. I am sleeping better after my orthopedist appointment, where I learned that—while not recommended—I can bend my leg or apply pressure on the sides of it. I have slept on my side or stomach for the last three nights and it feels so much better. But overall, I’m physically exhausted and sleepy all the time.

Vacation starts tomorrow. We have my crutches, and we rented a transport chair that J will push me around in, and we are toying with the thought of renting a motorized scooter just for the DC half. I’m not 100% sure I’ll update you while we’re in DC (although my OTD is during that time period…so now that I think about it, I’ll probably check in and update you on that), but I’ll definitely write while we’re in VA beach. That half of the trip will be nothing but relaxation, sun, sand, reading, resting, and fruity drinks (obviously only if my HPT on the 2nd comes up a devastating BFN).

Until then, I bid you adieu. I promise I’m not this down 24/7. I’m not even feeling particularly down right this moment. It’s just with everything that happened this week, life just sucks. I have no hope for this cycle left. Oh well.

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Because I Can’t Keep Quiet At All

I can’t. I have to wait at least another day while the proper people are informed and blah blah frickin’ blah.

This is not even TTC-related, but I am so anxious to get it out there and write about it and I can’t on my public blog and I’m losing my mind.

I got the job. At my work. The permanent, full-time editorial position.

GUYS I GOT THE FRIGGIN’ JOB. I FINALLY HAVE A JOB IN MY FIELD.

I can’t even…

I can’t. Not even a little.

Aside from the fact that I’ve been waiting four whole years for a job in my field, aside from that…this job…

…okay, this is going to go TTC-related. This job means so many things. It means I have, for the first time in over a year, a full-time permanent job. For the first time in forever, I have a job in my field.

I have a normal paycheck. Not that we were struggling before, but the fertility stuff was eventually going to start making things really difficult. Treatments aside, possible ER visits or procedures or prenatal care…the money was going to start dwindling somewhere. And our precious tiny “baby fund,” compiled of all the money we got from our wedding over two years ago now, was going to have to be touched. And then the money we’d want to eventually spend on our newborn baby would start to disappear.

Same with the mortgage. And everything else that comes with buying a house. Sure, we have our down payment set aside (and that came to us only out of tragedy) but there’ll be expenses. New appliances. Painting. Furniture. Higher bills. Etc, etc.

And we went into this year kind of saying, “Well, screw it. Let’s close our eyes and hope for the best.” And we did. And I applied to this job with my eyes closed, my breath held, and I got it.

Were not millionaires now. My new salary, while AMAZING considering I’m used to living off of a meager near-minimum wage thanks to over ten years in retail, doesn’t mean we can afford a giant house. Or even a house bigger than what we planned on anyway, in fact. It doesn’t mean we can do a zillion medicated cycles or IUIs or IVF treatments, or adopt a baby as easy as 1-2-3.

But this job…it means so much. It means I can breathe a little easier. It means if we run into a speed bump with buying our house, we won’t sail over the median and crash head-on into a Mack truck. We might get into a little fender-bender, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be able to drive home safe.

And it means benefits. It means more health insurance. It means maybe infertility still won’t be covered, but eventually being doubly-covered for prenatal care might make up for the dent that treatments will put us in. It means maternity leave.

I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling. But I smile-cried the whole way home today. I feel like things have been going so wrong, for so long. I needed this job, just like I need us to buy a house. I am so tired of things being taken away from me, from me and J. I don’t know what the hell is in store for us regarding TTC, but at least I know it’s not infecting every other damn part of my life. I’m not being followed by the dark cloud I thought was haunting every waking moment. I feel like our life’s felt stagnant for years as I’ve navigated the publishing world and struggled to find my footing and a job, suffered miserable jobs in retail where I was overworked and underappreciated, and as we continued to put everything in our lives on hold while we TTC. I almost didn’t go to grad school because of the miscarriage. I almost didn’t take the job I have now because of grad school. We almost didn’t start seriously thinking about a house because of two miscarriages and the realization that we needed medical help.

Well screw you, infertility and recurrent miscarriage. We’re moving on without you.

I know I play tough on here but I have been fighting a dark place ever since December. And I myself didn’t realize until I drove home how this job offer really affected me. I didn’t realize I was holding out for it so much.

Okay. I feel better now. Oh except for one more thing.

Hey future baby. I hope wherever you are, you’re seeing and hearing this right now. Mommy’s got a good job, so she can buy you the things you need. Mommy and Daddy are going to buy a house for all of us, too, where you’ll have your own room, and a backyard to play in. So you see? We’re ready for you now. More ready than we’ve ever been. So you can come home, now. Everything will be here for you when you arrive. ❤

Waiting for Aunt Flow

Where I am: CD24
Medications: none
Symptoms: moody, pimply, PMSy


It’s June! It’s June, it’s June, it’s June.

And I am telling you what I am not going to do.

I’m not going to get my hopes up. No, ma’am.

I’ll be honest with you. I want to get pregnant this month. And I feel like it could happen. I heard back from the RE about the dosage of Clomid I’ll be on (50mg, down from 100mg) and after being a little panicked and disheartened (because I hear about how so many don’t respond to 50mg) I was reassured by a select Twitter buddy or two that since I over-responded to 100mg, 50mg should be perfect for me since anything other than IVF requires a maximum of two mature follicles per cycle. I am so hoping this is the case. I am hoping my body and lady bits are okay, and that my baseline will be fine, and that my ovaries will tenderly and reasonably accept the Clomid and produce a few good strong happy follies and I’ll trigger and everything will be great.

But…BUT…I am not holding my breath.

Because I’ve still been achy down there. I’m concerned my ovaries might be a little effed up from the last cycle and possible OHSS. I’m preparing myself for a bad baseline. That I may need to take a cycle off to allow my system and lady bits to normalize. I’m also preparing myself for a poor response to the Clomid, be it under- or overstimulation. It could happen. We are evidently still figuring things out.

But this month is going to be good. I’ve got a lot of happy things going on. It seems every weekend is full of something to do. My niece’s birthday is this weekend, so I’ll be going with her and my sister-in-law to get a mani/pedi (I am SO OVERDUE FOR ONE OF THESE!), maybe a concert with my cousin the weekend after that. In a few weeks, the hubby and I will be spending a weekend in NY for a Swarovski event (don’t ask, haha). At the end of the month, we’ll be attending one of his Iraq battle buddies’ weddings. The next morning, we leave for our vacation. Washington DC for the first half, Virginia Beach for the second.

In December (because, little did we know, Baby Bean had passed weeks before), he had to put in his vacation time with his job and, given that they didn’t have paternity leave, he took his time off around when the baby would be born. Since we thought everything was fine, and everything would go right this time.

Whoops.

July 6th, 2014 is going to be a bitch and a half to get through. To counteract that, we are taking our vacation during that timeframe, instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves because we know why he really has this time off. We should be saving the money (though my parents, as J’s birthday gift, will be paying for most if not all hotel expenses) since we’re buying a house this summer, but we both agreed we deserve the break. We haven’t taken a vacation together since our honeymoon two years ago, so this is well overdue. We deserve to get away, to enjoy the time rather than bemoan it. On the 6th, I will be by the ocean soaking up sunlight and saltwater. I’ll probably be out to dinner with my husband that evening. We will acknowledge our loss, and probably feel sad…and I might even cry (read: probably)…but we are not going to wallow.

So even if we have another cycle cancelled in a row, or are anxiously awaiting the results of the cycle (which, if AF comes this week–and she should because my face looks like a pimple warzone–we could be), we are going to keep our heads up. I am going to keep my head up. I need to keep going with the flow, rolling with the punches, this summer. For the first time since I started grad school in the fall, I’ve been enjoying the weather and my friends and family–and I need to keep that up. TTC be damned. Especially at the end of this month, and the beginning of this month.

Phew. Okay.

In other news, as the title and previous paragraphs suggest, I am waiting for Godot Aunt Flow. My face is breaking out, my emotional stability yesterday was insanely tenuous, and I am CD24. Last cycle was 27 days long (granted, I was on progesterone that time, and the sudden drop in the hormone once I stopped probably helped AF along), so I’m hoping sometime this week will be the day. Whether I pass the baseline or not, I just want to know so I can move on with this month, you know?

I have also decided to take it upon myself to seek a specialist help regarding my thyroid problem. There’s one in the endocrinology department at the office I go to near my apartment, so I’m calling them today after I leave work to set up an appointment. I appreciate and really like Dr. O, but he’s got a lot to worry about. My thyroid, my pituitary, my ovaries, my uterus, blah blah blah. I understand he can’t dedicate all his time to figuring out my thyroid. And honestly, I think having one person focusing all their energy on this problem will be better than him doing it anyway. Less distraction, right? I hope so. I need to do what I need to do to get my rainbow baby.

I’ll check back in later this week, ladies (and gents). Hopefully next time I do, I’ll be in the throes of a new cycle. 🙂

Happy Anniversary! And Ovulation!

Where I am: CD17
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


Holy crap, what a weekend!

Let’s start with Friday. My parents were on vacation, so I have been stopping in and checking on the cat every other day or so. This time, J came with me so he could change out the litter (despite my non-pregnant status, we just take precautions…and also, why would I want to change litter?) so we decided to make a night of it. My parents have a huge (I mean huge) 3-D TV that’s got all the bells and whistles (oh the things you can buy when you finally get an empty nest) so we decided to watch a movie and order out for dinner from the local pizza place. We stopped and picked up a six-pack of beer for me on the way. For the most part, the night was good. I had one small meltdown about the weekend, but that was it. The beer made me tired so we came home and went to bed pretty early.

Saturday started out rough. I woke up early due to intense, intense ovarian pain and serious abdominal bloating. It hurt to do anything: cough, sneeze, use my abdominal muscles, to pee or poop, to walk. Every step I took reverberated in my ovaries. Based off of Dr. Google (because he’s sooooo reliable), I self-diagnosed myself with mild OHSS (it makes sense, what with overstimulation and all). I spent the majority of the morning in bed, only to finally force myself out of bed at 11:30 so I could make my hair appointment (with a swing by Dunkies first, of course).

The hair appointment was awesome, as usual. My hairstylist is amazing! Thankfully, she didn’t ask about TTC (since I told her last summer that we were and she’s asked every time ever since) so that was a nice break. I decided to give my hair a break from the crazy-color highlights (since once they fade my hair gets very rough and also it turns grey-white-blonde) and decided on a semi-permanent violet-red that would still give me the purple hues I love but wouldn’t require any bleaching. I told her I was going out to celebrate my anniversary with J, and my hair looked so good they wanted to put it on their “Instaglam” so I got a free curl job (?) out of the deal and got to look all pretty for the rest of the day!

Afterwards I gritted my teeth and, armed with Tylenol and Gatorade for the pain, J and I headed down through Cape traffic to Plymouth. We walked the jetty, all-in-all over a mile, which I think was good for me despite the pain in my tummy. We decided on a place to eat for dinner, and when faced with an hour-long wait to eat inside, we decided to opt for a wait-free table outside (J doesn’t like the cold and it was about 7:00PM by the time we got to the table—I wanted to sit outside from the beginning, he didn’t). We had risotto bites for an appetizer, which were absolutely fabulous. J had steak tips, I had chicken carbonara—both were simply delightful! I also enjoyed not one, but two delicious Hawaiian-tinis and another mixed drink (I forget the name). It’s safe to say I was feeling a good buzz. (I can thank a year-plus of TTC for my now incredibly low tolerance. Hooray, cheap date!)

Sunday morning, we went to brunch and stuffed our faces with all the food we could manage. Eggs, waffles, french toast, sausage, fruit, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, rice, cooked meats, everything! I had a coffee with Frangelico and Bailey’s in it, I believe, followed by yet another martini (you can see I threw alcohol caution to the wind this weekend, well-deserved). We then went to IKEA for a few hours in search of inspiration for the house we’ll be owning by the end of the summer, and then off to work he went and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, drinking a few beers, and watching the X-Men trilogy (it was on TV all weekend and last week and I kept catching snippets of it, which made me want to rewatch them).

Perhaps the second-best part to Sunday, aside from the anniversary time with J, was that I woke up in significantly less pain than Saturday. I was still bloated as all hell (still kind of am, even another two days later), but the pain that came with every movement, cough, sneeze, step…was almost gone. This leads me to believe I ovulated sometime in the past few days and Saturday was the peak of the pain as those 3 or 4+ eggs dropped. Yeesh.

And now it’s Tuesday…I’m back at work after the long weekend, looking forward to a relatively easy week. I have a work function on Wednesday, an in-law outing on Friday. Today is my actual wedding anniversary with J, and tomorrow marks eight years since our first date. Today is also CD17, which means (hopefully) that AF will be coming around in a week or so.

This weekend was really, really good for me. It got me out of the funk from my cancelled cycle. It reminded me that there’s more to my life than TTC. That I am married to an amazing man and I wouldn’t have been able to get this far without him. I know that this feeling of optimism is going to last until the next bad things happens (oh, the roller-coaster continues), but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts. I’m ready for my next cycle.

Go, Team Junebugs! 😉

FREEDOM!!!!! …Wait, Oh Crap!

Where I am: CD17 [7dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional nausea, peeing all the time…a bunch of other shit that would normally scream “PREGNANCY,” but—HAH!—I know better…


My first year of school is behind me.

Halle-frickin’-lujah!!!!!!!

I didn’t think I would make it. Honestly, I didn’t. I had enough on my mind last semester, with trying and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant. This semester, with my second loss and the testing and the procedures and the surgery…cripes. I can’t believe it…

…but I made it. It’s over. Four months of summer, I am here. I am ready. Take me, hold me, keep me forever.

Phew.

And now it’s time to change gears. Turn off school, and turn up TTC and house-hunting. Just because classes are over hardly means my life is going to be any less full of happening things.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this, but my husband and I got pre-approved for a loan through the VA (with no down payment, which was good yet unnecessary, since we have one ready) and were assigned a realtor by USAA. I gave her the three towns we want to look in first…my husband has drill this weekend down the Cape and will be gone Saturday through Wednesday, so we’re looking at the second weekend in May to start going to open houses!

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, don’t mind me as I freak out. We’ve been talking about buying a house for something like three years, have been passively looking at houses for a little over a year and a half, and have been swearing we’d get serious about it for about a year. It’s been a long time coming. I’m overwhelmed and excited and…

…well, happy. I think a big part of putting off buying a house was because of everything that happened last year. I guess you could say we put a house on hold for the sake of TTC, kind of. I wanted to go to school, we wanted to have the money for the baby…of course, that didn’t pan out.

And now I’m just tired of putting our life on hold all the time. We need to keep moving forward. There is so much up in the air because of this IF stuff, but I’ll get into that another day. Buying a house is the right move for us. It’s happening this summer. In June, I will be doing a glorious happy dance when our landlord drops off the new lease agreement and I can finally check off “NO we will not be renewing our lease” as an option.

But now on to the “Oh, Crap!” part of the title. Because school is over. And while we are ramping up for the house thing and summer in general, the biggest stressor and distraction in my life has magically disappeared. Just…poof!

That said…it’s coming.

The freak out. Or meltdown. Something that probably involves tears and a mild panic attack.

It’s coming.

It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing. It’s a necessary thing, I think. I have a fantastic way of compartmentalizing my feelings (sometimes), especially when I have something to throw myself into 100% (i.e. school and work). I can push whatever is or could be bothering me into the back of my mind and focus on a separate task. The only issue with that is I eventually get to a point where that distraction is no longer there. And all the emotions or fears or sadness that I’ve kept bottled up and smothered down just erupts into one big mess.

I honestly don’t feel it right now. I have been thinking of this cycle, this Clomid cycle, and I think I won’t mind if I get a BFN. I actually kind of feel like I will be getting a BFN. I just don’t feel pregnant right now. Not that I would a week post-trigger, but…I’m sure you know what I mean. Wanna-be mommy’s intuition, I guess. And I think I am okay with it.

But I know there’s going to be a moment this week or next week when it hits me. Once my brain recovers from the shock that has been these past few weeks at school. Once the fact that I’m really in my first treatment cycle for infertility settles in.

But it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. A little sob session never hurt anyone.

I’m so sorry for the disjointed and unfocused post. As you can probably tell, my brain is broken. I really do write better than this, I swear. I just need a moment to regenerate some brain cells.

I’ll have you know I’ve caught up on all your posts. Didn’t comment on all of them, but I read all of them!

And now I’m going to go mindlessly watch TV and/or pass the f**k out. Maybe both at the same time. Stay tuned, I’ll be back tomorrow or the next day with another post (and a Liebster award nomination, hooray!).

Baby dust and rainbows to you all. ❤