August 14th, 2014: Documented As the Farthest I’ve Ever Been

Where I am: 10w1d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation


Oh…my…goodness.

Lucky Bug is totally hanging in there. Measuring between 10w1d and 10w2d, with a strong heartbeat of 178.

Today makes it official: this pregnancy, my third, is the farthest I have ever been.

Holy shitballs.

The day started off rough. I woke up early to a text from my dad saying my mom was not going to work today. Not giving me a ride to and from work. Not giving me a ride to and from my appointment. So I called him still half-asleep and told him I might as well not bother going in until after the appointment since it would be a waste of time for him. He told me he would drive me today, wherever I needed to go.

So I got up, and since I was up, I took a shower. I mosied around getting dressed. Put on my “Lucky Bug” jewelry for good luck, and tucked the little mascot in my pocket. I had a glass of orange juice and an ice cream sandwich (don’t judge). I then began to chug water because, at 10w, the chances of her doing an abdominal were higher than not. My father came to get me and off we went.

I cycled between going numb and panicking. They took us late, which is unusual. I spent the better part of fifteen minutes in the waiting room, feet and hands shaking, anxiously keeping my Twitter friends updated on the status of my insanity. The same tech as always, Fran, took us in. I had a full bladder, and she intended to do an abdominal first, but she wanted my bladder empty just in case. I told her how nervous I was, and she knew to check immediately to make sure LB was okay in there. It took maybe three seconds from the moment she turned on the monitor before she said “It’s okay. It’s okay.” And I let out a deep breath as she checked my ovaries and conducted her measurements.

My dad was in the chair beside me, and I could hear him laughing and when Fran asked if he saw this, and saw that, he would say yes, and I could hear the emotion in his voice. I couldn’t look. I knew he was crying. I knew if I looked, I’d cry more. My eyes were glued to the screen anyway while I watched little LB wriggle around.

The baby was active. Pumping his or her little fists and legs all over the place. I asked Fran if I could take some quick video for J, because he was away, and she said even though it was against the rules…she would allow it just this once. I love her.

Once she had taken all her measurements and confirmed LB was measuring right on time, and the heartbeat was strong as ever, she told me to video quick as she got a perfect view and the baby was moving. I turned on my iPhone camera and almost instantly, like the baby knew, s/he started waving. Once again, I was crying. Silently…not sobbing. Little tears. But tears nonetheless. I got about 30secs of good movement and waving and then turned it off, telling Fran I was good, just grateful for the chance to video at all.

I didn’t need a transvaginal…she got everything she needed from the outside. She congratulated me, and then almost impulsively hugged me tight, and told me everything was looking really good. And then I was done!

I waited another 20mins to see the RE, for all of maybe three minutes. He went over what I had discussed with the endocrinologist (forgot to tell you guys about that, more on it later) and told me that not only does everything look great, but since I’ve passed the point of my last miscarriage, the chances of this pregnancy proceeding look better than ever. He shook my hand, wished me luck, and told me he looks forward to seeing me around the office sporting a nice healthy bump in the coming months.

While we waited, I texted J and sent him the video. He didn’t respond for a while (probably busy), but when he did, he just couldn’t stop saying he loved me. I asked if he watched the video, if he was happy, if he saw the baby waving for him, and he just said yes and so happy and he loved me so much. I can’t wait to talk to him tonight. I’m so glad he was at least able to see what I saw today.

So, my dearest friends, my companions, my supporters, that’s that. I am 10w today. I am 1/4th of the way through this pregnancy. My chances get better every day. LB is hanging on, s/he is certainly a fighter. I am in awe. I am so in love. I am still so terrified, and I’m sure the anxiety will continue to rise exponentially before every appointment…but for now, I’m blissfully happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time.

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“A Perfect Little Heartbeat”

Where I am: 8w2d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food (and smell) aversions, congestion, headaches—and hemorrhoids?!


It was 174bpm, to be exact.

Friday morning, we woke up early and drove into the city to the same place I went to on that unfortunate Christmas Eve. As we walked in the entrance and the long, incredibly long entryway (it’s a strangely long building) to the elevators past registration, I could see the events of seven months ago clear as day.

I remembered walking in, nervous. I remembered the scan, which I’ve already told you all about. But then there was the exit. Walking through the waiting room full of pregnant women, to the elevators, down to the first floor, down that long entryway, through the streets to the train station. Crying, the whole time—me, a person who’d rather die than cry in public.

I remembered the devastation, the heavy emptiness in my belly, the disbelief. The grief.

But this day…this day was different.

We got to the waiting room and they sent us right in. My hands shook as I removed my leg brace, then my jeans, then my underwear. We weren’t in the same scan room as before, thankfully. Like the practice by my apartment, this one had a scan room specifically for those receiving fertility treatment. There was just the one monitor—no TV screen mounted on the wall to possibly display the horrible truth.

The technician told me she would take the measurements all for herself first, before showing me anything. With a tremor in my voice, I said “Okay,” and my husband gently brushed my hair with one hand and squeezed my hand with the other. All the lights but one had been shut off, all but one soft light directly over my head. I stared at it and tried to control my breathing, but I felt my whole body shaking. Tears rolled down my cheeks involuntarily as I mentally prepared myself for what I felt was the inevitable.

And then, probably because she saw I was about to fall to pieces right there, the technician turned the monitor towards me. She pointed to the bright spot and said, “See there? That’s your baby’s heart. It’s beating furiously, honey. Okay?”

I let my breath out, and more tears came, and as she turned the monitor back so she could do her thing, I whispered “Okay” and looked up in my husband’s eyes. “Okay.”

Lucky Bug is measuring ahead (according to estimated ovulation, anyway) a few days. At 7w7d, Bug measured 8w2d and had a heartbeat of 174. It’s brain is forming—the technician pointed out the dark shadow where it would be in a few weeks. We also saw what was left of the yolk sac, the cord, and the very thin and almost indiscernible amniotic sac. And we saw that heart. That beautiful, strong heart beating away.

photo 1

My husband surprised me with two presents: a Swarovski ladybug, small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. This he gave to me in the car on the way to the appointment. He then surprised me with a necklace and earrings set: simple, small Swarovski earrings to match a simple, small necklace: a flower, with a tiny ladybug perched on it. This he gave to me in the exam room while we waited in between the ultrasound and the consultation with my RE. I cried both times.

photo 2

I cried a lot that day, actually.

My RE is confident this pregnancy is going to progress normally. In his words, “We’ve done everything we can to fix what needed fixing. The polyps, the hyperprolactinemia, your hypothyroidism…you have done all you can.”

Speaking of which, my TSH is at an astoundingly perfect 2.42, a level it has never ever been before. I take this as a good sign, and I hope it stays near this level for the rest of this trimester.

I asked my RE about two things: an additional ultrasound between now and 12 weeks (for obvious reasons), and an at-home Doppler.

Though I should have fully graduated to the regular OB team this week, my request for another ultrasound will delay that two more weeks…somewhat. My RE was kind enough to offer me one final check at 10w on August 14th, so I will graduate and say goodbye then. I still have my OB intake appointment this Thursday, though. And after the next ultrasound, it’ll only be another two weeks until the NT scan.

As for the Doppler, well, my RE advised against it. He said it would drive me crazy. He once again reassured me that my problems seemed very 1st trimester-influential, and that once I pass 13w I will be good to go. I haven’t made a decision yet whether I will get one or not, but I appreciated his input.

So there you have it. I’m officially in the “Red Zone.” About five weeks and I’ll be past it. In that time, I have two scans and a regular OB appointment. I think I’ll make it, if everything goes well.

And of course there’s more to that day. And the weekend. Highs and lows. But that’s for the public post.

I’ll leave you with this: I love this baby more and more every day. It’ll take a lot of strength for me to make it in one piece to the next ultrasound, and I’m sure I’ll be just as ready to fall apart then as I was a few days ago. But I love this baby. I want it to stay with me. With every scan I pass with flying colors, I feel relief for a few moments, and then dread as I realize I’m becoming more and more attached. I am attached. I love…this…baby.

Hang around, Lucky Bug. Mommy and Daddy want you to stay. ❤

Lucky Bug Has a Heartbeat

Where I am: 5w6d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: exhausted and sleep-deprived, boobs hurt, nausea and digestion problems, super-smelling nose (which means aversions)


My precious, little, singular Lucky Bug is measuring 6w1d. Heartbeat was 99bpm. Dr. O says this is normal.

I am…overwhelmed.

There are so many emotions and thoughts and worries and hopes going through my head. But mostly, I’m sleep-deprived and exhausted from literally being panicked from the second I woke up to the second the technician turned the screen toward me.

Of course I’d love to write more. Of course. But the above reasons, plus the fact that I am at work and on an even shorter time schedule (appointment ran late, and my mom is sick so J is picking me up before he leaves for work at 3:00), I cannot. I just wanted to get on here and share the news with you guys, because I didn’t want you to be biting your nails off with worry.

We have a long road ahead. I’m so nervous. But so grateful that, today, Bug had a heartbeat. I saw it flickering. Bug is alive. ❤

Third Beta—WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Where I am: 20dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same


Screen Shot 2014-07-10 at 5.11.06 PM

HOLY SHIT.

There is at least one bug in my belly. If not two.

They called while I was still at work and, because I was going to ask about an ultrasound if the beta was good and also needed to ask about X-rays for my leg, I didn’t answer—zero privacy in my cubicle, and crutches don’t exactly make for quick getaways to the hallway/stairwell.

I listened to the voicemail and it was a nurse I didn’t recognize from a doctor’s office I didn’t recognize. They said my name in the beginning, but I didn’t let myself freak out when she said the beta was over 2,000. I thought, it could be the wrong person. Relax, and call back in a bit.

So my husband came by to pick me up, and I called back explaining my confusion. The nurse said the call was correct, and that the nurse who called me normally worked for the other doctor but was filling in for Dr. O today. I asked for the exact number.

2,717.

I’ve been scheduled for my first ultrasound which should be at or nearly 6 weeks (it’s tough because I ovulated early, so if you go by my LMP I am currently 4w4d…but if you go by ovulation, I’m closer to 5w). It is at 8:30 a week from today, next Thursday.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I am so excited and happy. And at the same time, I feel like I’m waiting for the fallout. This is so bipolar! It’s like being excited for a party you know is going to be cancelled. But I am trying to be optimistic. This pregnancy and the bug(s) have already defied the odds: the accident, the elevated thyroid, and so on. I’m so hoping I can continue to fight. I’m so hoping this is the one for me. I want nothing but good feelings for the bug(s) to help further the pregnancy. Positive thoughts, positive feelings. My pal bebepaulo over at Unicorns and Baby Dust said something wonderful recently that really resonated with me:

There is so much out there that can get us wrapped into a ball of anxiety. And I want nothing to do with it, no matter how hard the world tries. I think the stress of the betas floored me. And I just can’t. I’m done with that. Anyone with IF has learned they can’t control shit. Even with science on your side, you can’t control shit.

This baby will either grow and be born into arms that loved and fought for it long, long before it was born. Or it won’t. And there’s nothing I can do about it but love it at this very moment.

She said it perfectly. We have so much on our side, science and good doctors and good medicine and everything. But pregnancy is still a mystery. Even in 2014, even with all the technology and knowledge we have now, there are things in the world we still can’t figure out 100%. Pregnancy is one of them. Infertility and pregnancy, in particular.

I need to move forward knowing that I did what I could with the time I was given. I am taking the medications I need, I got the procedures done that were recommended to me, I have been diligent about blood tests and taking care of myself. Sure, ideally, I would’ve liked to have lost more weight than I did, but hey—I’m here now. I’m doing what I can. I’ve done what I can. Nothing left to do but continue to take care of myself, and think as positively as I can. No matter what happens from here, I know I was pregnant again. I know there’s a baby- or babies-to-be in my uterus right now, fighting for life. I love it or them already. And whether it is a singleton or twins, I don’t care. As long as whatever is in there is healthy and stays in there for the next 8 or so months.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in disbelief. I’m in awe. I’m in love.

Please stick, baby junebug(s). Please stay with me. ❤

#teamjunebug

TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

Third Time Is the Charm?

Where I am: CD3
Medications: Clomid, Day 1 of 5
Symptoms: mild cramps


Well, good news it is, then. I passed the baseline!

So here we are, again. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home and picked up my 50mg of Clomid, to be started tonight through until Sunday (CD3-7, as usual) with the standard follicular ultrasound on Wednesday (CD10).

I’ve got a lot of emotions. Nervousness. Anxiety. Dread. Hope. Not ready to write about them just yet.

I’ll write again, probably tomorrow once I sort out the nonsense going on in my head.

#teamjunebug