I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

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Spring Colds, Dental Bills, Ovary Twinges — Oh My!

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none (finished Clomid Saturday!)
Symptoms: twinges in the right ovary…


Sorry I disappeared on y’all. Turns out what I had thought/hoped was allergies was actually a friggin’ cold. In the middle of May. In New England.

Sheesh.

I hit rock bottom on Saturday. Felt my worst, and had a terrible headache from all the congestion. Every time I moved, I could feel the blood flow pick up speed in my skull. It killed me! I tried to go the entire day without taking anything, but I finally caved and took one dose of Tylenol in the evening (not Motrin/Advil! which is bad while on Clomid/TTC). It worked like magic and got me through dinner and got me to sleep. Yesterday I started feeling better, and today even better again. Mostly all the nastiness is in my chest now. I sound like I’ve been smoking for 40 years. Yummy.

As far as the whole Clomid-thing goes, starting to feel those tell-tale twinges. Mostly in my right ovary again. Which is making me slightly nervous, because the right is where that monstrous 30mm was last time. This makes me wary of two things: 1) that the 30mm was actually a cyst and it has grown again, or 2) my right ovary is being a medication-hog and is literally stealing ALL the Clomid just for itself. For one follicle.

BLARG!

Don’t get me wrong, I want my little follies to grow, grow, grow…but I don’t want one giant one that’s ridiculously large! I’d prefer ones that were a little more textbook, you know? Like even 20-22mm is fine with me.

Well, beggars can’t be choosers, right? Hmph.

Today, I had my 6-month teeth cleaning.

*smiles wide* SEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, to make a long story only slightly long: I hate the dentist. I have this intense irrational fear about them. About four years ago my dad’s insurance dropped me right around the time I finished a year-long job at my school (and was therefore unemployed). Had to file for Commonwealth Care (the MA version of health care for poor people). That took forever. Then I got a job. Had to refile to change my status. Then I got a different job with benefits. By then I had cancelled my cleaning because my health care status was in flux earlier. Never made a new appointment. Three years passed. Many cavities formed. I decide to start TTC and have to regrettably make the trip to the dentist to get my mouth destroyed and rebuilt, basically.

Cut to seven months, two cleanings, and nearly ten “cosmetic” (read: A TON OF MOTHER-EFFING CAVITIES) appointments later, and my teeth are just dandy now. I’m terrified all the time, but I need to do what’s best for baby (and, really, what’s best for me, but I’ve never been good about doctors and dentists—until recently).

The only downside is that since I’m now on my husband’s insurance, my dentist is “out of plan.” Which is fancy speak for, “We aren’t going to pay for all of your shit all the time.”

But I can’t switch dentists. I just can’t. The guy who does the cavities/cosmetic stuff is a GOD. He’s amazingly calm, comforting, great with anesthesia, and a perfectionist. He knows I have anxiety and is always making sure I’m comfortable and can’t feel pain. He’s amazing. And he’s also kind of attractive, and he has an accent (I think he’s from Romania?). And there’s just something about him that calms me. And, for now at least, while I’m fixing my mess of a mouth, I need to feel as comfortable as possible or I’m not going to go anymore. And I can’t afford to have bad dental hygiene right now, not while TTC.

My hygienist is awesome, too. Don’t get me wrong. She keeps me distracted by talking about her life and asking about mine and is as gentle as she can be.

As a matter of fact (since I’ve somehow segued into my cosmetic dentist infatuation, and this is a blog about IF), I had to break it to my hygienist today that I miscarried (which, not sure how much of a “break” it was since I would be…almost 8 months now? …yeah, kind of would’ve been obvious…). She apologized, and I told her about the fertility stuff and she wished me luck (surprisingly didn’t give me any platitudes!). She then told me she has an appointment with an RE because her OB referred her to one, telling her she was on the “old side” of things (at 34?!) and that she should get a fertility workup. Oi.

Anyway, whoa. Sidetracked again. So with all of my cosmetic appointments, I ran up my coverage for the year (in May, only five months into the year, HAH HAH HAH, whoops). I’ve got an outstanding bill somewhere on the upside of $1,200 left for the previous appointments, and then had to pay $100 out of pocket for today’s cleaning. Blerg. Lucky for me, the practice is self-standing and can be a little, er, “accommodating” sometimes for patients. The receptionist knows about my RPL/IF (since it’s medical history, I have to update the office whenever I go in of anything I’m undergoing for treatment) and has had a miscarriage of her own, and she was able to swing a 10% discount off the larger bill as long as I pay it in the next two weeks. It’s only saving me a couple hundred at most, but I’ll take anything I can get. And they’re sweet for doing it. Because we all know I’m not getting any coverage or discounts for my fertility treatments!

Anyway, here I am at work with a wicked sore and sensitive mouth and a ton of work to do. I just wanted to hop on here and write this out. Let you all know what I’m up to. First follicle scan is tomorrow morning…fingers crossed for no cysts and a little more balance with mature follies than last time!!

A Whirlwind Week

Where I am: CD5
Medications: Clomid, Day 3 of 5
Symptoms: none


I am so glad it’s Thursday. This week is becoming too much! And pretty much none of it has to do with this TTC cycle, interestingly enough…

For those of you who follow my Twitter, you know I’ve been one hell of a bitchy whineface to be around lately. Taking into account my extreme lack of sleep Sunday night and how horrible I’ve been feeling healthwise, I was a mess on Tuesday. Then Tuesday night, I didn’t sleep. Hardly at all. I was up until at least 5:30, and then woke up every hour after that. Yesterday, I walked through the day like I was in some nightmare dream haze. Everyone at work kept telling me how horrible I looked (gee thanks). I left early, took a nap for an hour, spent the evening on the couch, and went to bed before 11:00PM. Thankfully, I slept pretty soundly through the night (waking only at 4:00AM to pee and wonder where the hell my husband was…he was just finishing up his shower and was coming to bed).

I woke up still feeling pretty craptastic this morning, but at least I felt more or less well-rested. As well-rested as one can be, of course, after two nights of insomnia in one week.

Today…I have an interview at work. (AHHHHHH.) The position I have right now is temporary (and isn’t even in the department I want to be in, which is Editorial/Production). The department I want to work in (that I worked for last summer as part of another contract position) had two openings recently, and I applied for one. There’s been a lot of bureaucratic nonsense going on about me wanting to work there and being able to work there (I have a family member who works there, but we would never interact with each other…it’s just stupid). But I guess they are starting to reconsider that policy because they emailed me yesterday and said I have an hour-long interview with many people in the department today.

TODAY!

Great! On not nearly enough sleep and with some allergy/cold-disease-like-thing. Awesome. I’m totally on my game. *le heavy sigh*

I swear, I’m not complaining about getting an interview. I’m not. I’m really excited. I’m just also really, really, really nervous because I want this job so bad. I know it’ll throw me for a loop, since it would start after this temporary job comes to a close at the end of summer, and then I’ll be working and schooling full-time and TTC…but I need to be able to move forward with my life in spite of RPL and IF. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. House, job, school.

Oi.

In other news…I’m feeling good about this cycle. I’ve only got two doses of Clomid down, but I feel fine for now. Emotionally, it didn’t affect me much last time. Physically, it only affected me about 2-3 days after my last dose, when my ovaries felt like they were going to bust out of my abdomen. Ouch! So I expect the same this time around.

And…that’s what I’m up to. Sorry this is such a disjointed post. Not being able to medicate myself through these allergies/this cold is really messing with my brainpower, and I need it all for work and that interview. Which is in less than two hours. Holy crap.