Why I Don’t Mind Seeing BFPs in the Community

I know that, for many, seeing others in the IF/RPL community get BFPs can be hard. As much as we want to support each other, as much as we want to see others succeed, it is still hard to not wonder, Why not me?

And I understand that. I feel it sometimes, too. I see all these women popping up with their BFPs on here and on Twitter and, as soon as the congratulations are out of my mouth, I feel that little pinch of jealousy…of envy…of resentment. What about me?

I’m part of a group on the Baby Bump app I downloaded the week I got my first BFP last year. There are message groups/forums abound on there, and while I haven’t made any everlasting pals on there like I have on here and on Twitter, I do find some comfort there. The group I am a part of was for women starting new TTC cycles in April, and was a small amount of people (less than 20 members) and we all started posting on there. We shared our stories. We shared our symptoms. Most of us shared our BFNs. But two women shared their BFPs. Right off the bat, they were successful and the rest of us were not.

And I felt it again. The old faithful, Why them and not me? Why? WHY? I felt jealous, I felt sadder for myself.

Well, within a week each of announcing their BFPs, both of them miscarried. For one it was her third, for the other—her sixth, and last. She’s given up at this point. It’s too painful for her. She can’t deal with it anymore.

Another person I found here on WordPress earlier this year  just announced last week that she has lost her second pregnancy.

And that, my friends, is why I don’t mind seeing your BFPs. Your pregnancy posts. Your post-pregnancy photos. Because I cried when these three women lost their sweet little could-have-been babes. To see more losses only breaks my heart in a way it doesn’t break when I see others being successful when I’m not. It hurts more.

And it scares me, too. I feel such hope and strength when I watch you ladies being successful on medicated cycles, successful with a viable pregnancy even after so many losses. But when I see someone lose another baby, again, it terrifies me. It makes me wonder, but in a different way: What about me?

What if what happened to them, happens to me…again?

I know everyone is entitled to their opinions. I don’t speak for the whole community. I know that each and every one of us needs to protect our hearts, our sanity, and that means doing what is best for us in the moment. And sure, there may come a day or two when I don’t feel the same temporarily…or, maybe, permanently. But for right now, I love seeing your posts. I love seeing your success. It gives me hope. It gives me the strength to keep trying. It reassures me that sometimes, it does work out. ❤

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Rough Patch

Where I am: CD13
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


I’m sorry for that horribly negative post the other day. I was not in a good mood after that phone call.

A bottle of wine and lots of TV have gotten me to today, Friday, the day before the long weekend. A weekend in which I really hope to have a fantastic time celebrating two years married, eight years together total, with my amazing, strong, loving, caring, supportive husband.

(I’m trying not to think about how we stupidly joked last week that we might get to conceive our sticky baby during our timed baby-dancing over our anniversary weekend. I’m trying not to think that since my ovaries are still achy as all getout, I probably haven’t even ovulated yet and any sex we do have will have to be accompanied by a friggin’ condom. How’s that for ironic?)

As of yet, we have no official plans (we’re bad at planning ahead…we haven’t even booked our hotels for our end of June/beginning of July vacation…yeahhhh). We’ll probably cook dinner together tonight, I’ll open another bottle of wine, we’ll relax and plan something out for tomorrow. Or, he’ll have a surprise plan waiting for me when I get home. Either way, I don’t care. To be clear, “having a fantastic time celebrating our anniversary” doesn’t even mean “going out.” As long as we’re together and having fun and doing something that’ll make us laugh and smile, that’s all I care about.

Of course, because of this cancelled cycle, I am feeling all-around negative about everything. I’m starting to worry I won’t get that job I applied for, because I’m starting to feel bored in my current job (although, honestly, this TTC thing has adverse effects on how motivated I am because I’m not entirely passionate about what I do). I’m starting to be concerned about the house thing, because it’s almost June and we aren’t even pre-approved yet. I’m starting to worry we waited too long and that we’ll be stuck moving into my parents’ house come September when our apartment lease runs out.

But I need to stop. Stop thinking negative. Let things happen as they do. I can only control so much.

I’ll be back next week. There’s nothing really for me to talk about since this cycle is a bust. I just keep thinking that by the time I return to work next Tuesday, it’ll be CD17 and I’ll hopefully be that much closer to AF showing her ugly face again.

Have a great weekend, everyone (and enjoy the long weekend, my fellow US friends, Happy Memorial Day). ❤

Letting Go

Where I am: CD11
Medications: none
Symptoms: nothing


I’ve decided to let this cycle go.

The risk of getting pregnant with three or more babies is too scary. With my RPL, it is too big of a risk. I may regret it, but I can’t…I can’t do it. I just can’t. I looked into selective reduction and I don’t think I could do it knowing it was my fault that I had to decide to do it anyway.

I am getting my hair cut and colored this weekend. This weekend is also when J and I will celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy both, guilt-free. Hair dye and maybe some alcohol and non-pregnancy-or-TTC-approved foods.

We need to get pre-approved for a mortgage. We need to get this house-hunting started. The months are ticking by.

I won’t sugarcoat it. This hit me hard. I didn’t expect to have a cancelled cycle so soon (or at all, I guess). And after the tech told me we’d be good to go…I thought it was fine…and then it wasn’t…

I’m feeling really negative, really resentful. It blows. I don’t want to feel like this. But fighting it will only make it worse in the end. I need to let myself feel it. So I can move past it.

So May won’t be my month.

Here’s to June, then.

______________________

P.S. Thank you everyone for responding yesterday. I really appreciated all of the encouragement. And I would have needed it, had I chosen to go ahead…I just did my own research, and made my decision. But I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you. ❤

NEVER MIND—Cycle Cancelled

And my hopes come crashing the fuck down.

I’m sorry for the f-bombs. I’ve been dropping a lot of them in the last hour or so.

In my last post from all of two or three hours ago, I said I was probably good to go. That we had a good amount of follies.

The office called and said they were recommending to cancel the cycle. My follie sizes were 10mm, 11mm, 13mm, 13mm, 14mm, and 17mm. They think I am at risk for 3+ multiples.

Really? Really?? I feel like that would never happen. Never in a million years.

I’m not sure what to think right now. I’m upset. I was riding on a high and all excited and “infertility can’t have May anymore” and now this. I can tell you right now, I’ve got zero fucking positivity in me right now. Zero. Nothing.

I am considering trying anyway. I wouldn’t trigger, because that might cause all the eggs to drop. But I’d buy an OPK, track, and have sex around O time. And hope that only one or two drop.

But I don’t know. I’d have to do progesterone twice a day to guard against not having enough in my system to support a pregnancy. Which, I’m not really concerned about, because it is the ONLY fertility med my insurance is covering and is only costing me $20 every time to refill it.

And I’m of course nervous about getting pregnant with more than 2 babies. I have RPL, so that’s obviously not advisable and is probably why my RE didn’t want to risk it (although the nurse said it was because I was only 26 and they don’t put that much risk into younger patients with good FSH and all that shit).

But at the same time, what are the chances? What are the chances?? And I feel like if I don’t do anything, I’ll regret it!

Thoughts, anyone? Please? Even if it’s a no, I want to hear it.