Just a Quick Update On My Lunch Break

Today started off pretty crappy. J’s cat is either bleeding in her pee or poop…I called the vet first thing when they opened and he brought her in for a 9:40 appointment after dropping me off at work. As far as I know, she’s overweight (by 2lbs), her bladder was small on x-rays (god, I can’t even think about how they probably had to strap her down, I’ll cry again) so they need to give her fluids to see it better, and they can’t tell if the bleeding is rectal or urinary. She needs to stay for observation. They’re going to clean her up (the blood/wetness down there) and trim back her fur, which has become more matted in the last week or two. I thought it was just her fur acting up as it sometimes does, because she has long-ish hair, but now I’m wondering if she’s been sick and not cleaning herself.

I wish I could’ve gone to the vet with my husband. ¬†He loves that cat. He got her after returning from Iraq and when in transition with his shitty ex-girlfriend, so they’re so attached to each other. Don’t know what we’ll do if something serious is wrong. ūüė¶

Work is crazy. School is crazy.

Our mortgage was approved. As long as we get the rest of the documents needed before closing on October 17th, we’ll be homeowners. Hoooooly crap.

And that’s about it. I don’t have time for much else. Doing my best to keep up with all of you! Love you all.

‚̧

I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear‚ÄĒoverwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing‚ÄĒliterally, under the covers‚ÄĒuntil I could¬†face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is¬†not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my¬†pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know¬†that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been¬†HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. ūüė¶

Quick Update Before Vacation

Where I am: CD20 (8dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: digestive issues, woke up one morning and almost got sick, nauseous most mornings, craving random things‚ÄĒall probably Crinone-related


I’m sorry for being away for so long, and just a heads-up that this will be a short entry as we leave for DC tomorrow morning and we are so behind in packing¬†and have a wedding in NH tonight.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t really wanted to sit down and talk about it. Even now, I don’t really want to get into all of it, but I figured I owed you all an update. I’m going to bullet-point this shit, because…well, like I said, I’m tired and I have so much to do!

Regarding My Leg

  • had follow-up X-ray on Wednesday (freaked out about possible pregnancy, technician quintuple-shielded me‚ÄĒliterally cleared the rack of all the aprons and put them¬†all on me)
  • current state of fracture requires no surgery, but will if it worsens
  • orthopedist wants me to take 325mg aspirin, but said I could stay on 81mg if RE said unsafe for pregnancy…RE’s nurse told me to go ahead and take the higher dose, I asked if safe for pregnancy, she didn’t answer and just said my health and preventing blood clots is important…are you serious?
  • stiff brace, zero weight-bearing for 4 weeks
  • (if looking better) dial brace‚ÄĒadjustable for bending‚ÄĒpartial weight-bearing for 2 weeks
  • eventually, physical therapy
  • monitoring requires X-rays but this could change if I end up pregnant…see Regarding TTC

Regarding TTC

  • faint line on cheapie earlier this week (trigger still there)
  • crystal-clear BFN this morning, second morning urine (trigger out of system)
  • OTD is in 4 days, July 2nd…any positive test from here on out is a BFP
  • if this cycle ends in a BFP, orthopedist and I will have to have a conversation on how to monitor my leg because X-rays are the only way of checking to make sure the fracture has not worsened
  • if this cycle ends in a BFN, there’s a¬†very good chance that TTC will be sidelined until after my leg is better due to required X-rays and physical therapy‚ÄĒthis notion is a dark cloud following me everywhere ūüė¶

Other things to note…I’m off the Oxycodone for a few days now. The pain in my leg isn’t constant anymore, but there are flare-ups. Honestly, the worst pain is in my hands and arms from crutching around. My other leg is pretty worn down, too, from compensating from the other leg. I am sleeping better after my orthopedist appointment, where I learned that‚ÄĒwhile not recommended‚ÄĒI can bend my leg or apply pressure on the sides of it. I have slept on my side or stomach for the last three nights and it feels so much better. But overall, I’m physically exhausted and sleepy all the time.

Vacation starts tomorrow. We have my crutches, and we rented a transport chair that J will push me around in, and we are toying with the thought of renting a motorized scooter just for the DC half. I’m not 100% sure I’ll update you while we’re in DC (although my OTD is during that time period…so now that I think about it, I’ll probably check in and update you on that), but I’ll definitely write while we’re in VA beach. That half of the trip will be nothing but relaxation, sun, sand, reading, resting, and fruity drinks (obviously only if my HPT on the 2nd comes up a devastating BFN).

Until then, I bid you adieu. I promise I’m not this down 24/7. I’m not even feeling particularly down right this moment. It’s just with everything that happened this week, life just sucks. I have no hope for this cycle left. Oh well.

The Hits Keep Coming

Where I am: CD15 (3dpo)
Medications:¬†Crinone (and Lovenox, and Oxycodone…keep reading for explanation)
Symptoms:¬†couldn’t tell you


So…this weekend sucked.

Friday, as you know, I was feeling really crappy. I attribute this to ovulating, because I woke up Saturday feeling much better. Note to future self: intense ovarian pain probably means you’re ovulating. Good but necessary pain.

Saturday…well, it started out like this: we met our realtor at a house at 10:00AM. With five to see, it was a big morning. I had to be done by 2:00 as I had a concert to attend with my cousin that afternoon (our first concert ever).

We saw the first house‚ÄĒand we loved it! It is our #1 contender out of the three we’ve seen (why only three?…keep reading). The second…not so great. It’s off the list completely.

11:00AM, I’m driving my husband’s crossover¬†to the other side of town on our way to the third house. We’re talking, laughing, saying we already might not want this house because it’s close to a bad town, we come up on a set of lights in front of a Wal*Mart, I’m in the right lane, the left lane is stopped as the car at the stop line is waiting for a left…

…and just as I am about to pass the first car in the left lane and cross the intersection, a car coming the opposite direction tries to take a left. Right in front of me. I slam on the breaks and swerve, but it’s too late.

Head-on collision. Airbags deploy. I black out for a second. Wake up to J¬†looking like he’s in severe pain, I’m suffocating on the residue from the airbags and screaming at the top of my lungs. Cue the hysteria. Off-duty firefighter hears the crash down the street and comes to our aid. Checks out J, I tell him I’m fine. 911 is called, our realtor (who was two cars behind us) comes up out of nowhere. Offers me water and hugs me as I am hyperventilating. Crying. Terrified. Traumatized.

Ambulance takes us to the hospital. Five hours later, we are discharged: J has abdominal contusions but a CT scan clears him of internal bleeding. I don’t get off as lucky. In addition to serious contusions to my abdomen (are you fucking serious?) and thighs, I have a fracture in my knee. I’m in an immobilizer indefinitely. No surgery needed, thank God. Eventually physical therapy. I see an orthopedist on Friday. I can’t drive because it’s my right knee (and I’m on Oxy, too). So I’m out of work for the week. I can’t do anything on my own, including use the bathroom, so J is going to call his HR office tomorrow and see if he can go off work on FMLA so he can take care of me.

We are supposed to leave for DC on Sunday. How the fuck am I going to enjoy my vacation now?

I’m in the two week wait already. Wondering what the contusions did, wondering what the painkillers are doing. I’m also on Lovenox daily because the placement of the fracture and my fertility treatments put me at high risk for blood clots. I know that won’t hurt pregnancy as women actually take the stuff during fertility treatments. It’s just everything else.

I’ve barely slept. My knee is constantly in pain and when it’s not, I have nightmares. The Oxy makes me drowsy but I only end up half-sleeping, in which I can hear everything going on and still feel pseudo-awake.

I’m angry. Why can’t we catch a fucking break? I’m depressed. Needing to have my husband help me pull my fucking underwear down just so I can pee is degrading. It took me forever to take a shower today. He is doing everything for me. I don’t know where I got such an amazing man as my husband, but he’s in serious pain himself but he’s doing everything for me. We both woke up sore and bruised this morning, which everyone told us to expect.

This entry is so jumbled, but I am literally so mentally and emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to update this so you all could know what happened.

Keep us in your thoughts and, if you’re the type and don’t have anything against doing it for a nonbeliever, prayers. Or send good vibes and juju and luck. After having so much hope and good feeling for this cycle, I am nervous this accident will screw it all up somehow. Be it the contusions, the Oxy, the stress, anything. I feel like our good feelings just went right out the window.

I’ll update again soon, something more coherent and hopefully not clouded by narcotics. I’m still trying to keep the faith, so even though I’m nervous it’s all gone to shit, I’ll sign off with the hashtag…

#teamjunebug (please please please)

Losing It

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired


Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.

Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.

I think I’ve hit my first wall.

And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.

Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.

But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.

So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.

I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.

I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.

I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.

Why I Don’t Mind Seeing BFPs in the Community

I know that, for many, seeing others in the IF/RPL community get BFPs can be hard. As much as we want to support each other, as much as we want to see others succeed, it is still hard to not wonder, Why not me?

And I understand that. I feel it sometimes, too. I see all these women popping up with their BFPs on here and on Twitter and, as soon as the congratulations are out of my mouth, I feel that little pinch of jealousy…of envy…of resentment.¬†What about me?

I’m part of a group on the Baby Bump app I downloaded the week I got my first BFP last year. There are message groups/forums abound on there, and while I haven’t made any everlasting pals on there like I have on here and on Twitter, I do find some comfort there. The group I am¬†a part of was for women starting new TTC cycles in April, and was a small amount of people (less than 20 members) and we all started posting on there. We shared our stories. We shared our symptoms. Most of us shared our BFNs. But two¬†women shared their BFPs. Right off the bat, they were successful and the rest of us were not.

And I felt it again. The old faithful, Why them and not me? Why? WHY? I felt jealous, I felt sadder for myself.

Well, within a week each of announcing their BFPs, both of them¬†miscarried. For one it was her third, for the other‚ÄĒher sixth, and last. She’s given up at this point. It’s too painful for her. She can’t deal with it anymore.

Another person I found here on WordPress earlier this year  just announced last week that she has lost her second pregnancy.

And¬†that, my friends, is why I don’t mind seeing your BFPs. Your pregnancy posts. Your post-pregnancy photos. Because I cried when these three¬†women lost their sweet little could-have-been babes. To see more losses only breaks my heart in a way it doesn’t break when I see others being successful when I’m not. It hurts more.

And it scares me, too. I feel such hope and strength when I watch you ladies being successful on medicated cycles, successful with a viable pregnancy even after so many losses. But when I see someone lose another baby, again, it terrifies me. It makes me wonder, but in a different way: What about me?

What if what happened to them, happens to me…again?

I know everyone is entitled to their opinions. I don’t speak for the whole community. I know that each and every one of us needs to protect our hearts, our sanity, and that means doing what is best for us in the moment. And sure, there may come a day or two when I don’t feel the same temporarily…or, maybe, permanently. But for right now, I love seeing your posts. I love seeing your success. It gives me hope. It gives me the strength to keep trying. It reassures me that sometimes, it does work out. ‚̧

Rough Patch

Where I am: CD13
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


I’m sorry for that horribly negative post the other day. I was not in a good mood after that phone call.

A bottle of wine and lots of TV have gotten me to today, Friday, the day before the long weekend. A weekend in which I really hope to have a fantastic time celebrating two years married, eight years together total, with my amazing, strong, loving, caring, supportive husband.

(I’m trying not to think about how we stupidly joked last week that we might get to conceive our sticky baby during our timed baby-dancing over our anniversary weekend. I’m trying not to think that since my ovaries are still achy as all getout, I probably haven’t even ovulated yet and any sex we¬†do have¬†will have to be accompanied by a friggin’ condom. How’s that for ironic?)

As of yet, we have no official plans (we’re bad at planning ahead…we haven’t even booked our hotels for our end of June/beginning of July vacation…yeahhhh). We’ll probably cook dinner together tonight, I’ll open another bottle of wine, we’ll relax and plan something out for tomorrow. Or, he’ll have a surprise plan waiting for me when I get home. Either way, I don’t care. To be clear, “having a fantastic time celebrating our anniversary” doesn’t even mean “going out.” As long as we’re together and having fun and doing something that’ll make us laugh and smile, that’s all I care about.

Of course, because of this cancelled cycle, I am feeling all-around negative about everything. I’m starting to worry I won’t get that job I applied for, because I’m starting to feel bored in my current job (although, honestly, this TTC thing has adverse effects on how motivated I am because I’m not entirely passionate about what I do). I’m starting to be concerned about the house thing, because it’s almost June and we aren’t even pre-approved yet. I’m starting to worry we waited too long and that we’ll be stuck moving into my parents’ house come September when our apartment lease runs out.

But I need to stop. Stop thinking negative. Let things happen as they do. I can only control so much.

I’ll be back next week. There’s nothing really for me to talk about since this cycle is a bust. I just keep thinking that by the time I return to work next Tuesday, it’ll be CD17 and I’ll hopefully be that much closer to AF showing her ugly face again.

Have a great weekend, everyone (and enjoy the long weekend, my fellow US friends, Happy Memorial Day). ‚̧

Letting Go

Where I am: CD11
Medications: none
Symptoms: nothing


I’ve decided to let this cycle go.

The risk of getting pregnant with three or more babies is too scary. With my RPL, it is too big of a risk. I may regret it, but I can’t…I can’t do it. I just can’t. I looked into selective reduction and I don’t think I could do it knowing it was my fault that I had to decide to do it anyway.

I am getting my hair cut and colored this weekend. This weekend is also when J and I will celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy both, guilt-free. Hair dye and maybe some alcohol and non-pregnancy-or-TTC-approved foods.

We need to get pre-approved for a mortgage. We need to get this house-hunting started. The months are ticking by.

I won’t sugarcoat it. This hit me hard. I didn’t expect to have a cancelled cycle so soon (or at all, I guess). And after the tech told me we’d be good to go…I thought it was fine…and then it wasn’t…

I’m feeling really negative, really resentful. It blows. I don’t want to feel like this. But fighting it will only make it worse in the end. I need to let myself feel it. So I can move past it.

So May won’t be my month.

Here’s to June, then.

______________________

P.S. Thank you everyone for responding yesterday. I really appreciated all of the encouragement. And I would have needed it, had I chosen to go ahead…I just did my own research, and made my decision. But I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you. ‚̧