Just a Quick Update On My Lunch Break

Today started off pretty crappy. J’s cat is either bleeding in her pee or poop…I called the vet first thing when they opened and he brought her in for a 9:40 appointment after dropping me off at work. As far as I know, she’s overweight (by 2lbs), her bladder was small on x-rays (god, I can’t even think about how they probably had to strap her down, I’ll cry again) so they need to give her fluids to see it better, and they can’t tell if the bleeding is rectal or urinary. She needs to stay for observation. They’re going to clean her up (the blood/wetness down there) and trim back her fur, which has become more matted in the last week or two. I thought it was just her fur acting up as it sometimes does, because she has long-ish hair, but now I’m wondering if she’s been sick and not cleaning herself.

I wish I could’ve gone to the vet with my husband.  He loves that cat. He got her after returning from Iraq and when in transition with his shitty ex-girlfriend, so they’re so attached to each other. Don’t know what we’ll do if something serious is wrong. 😩

Work is crazy. School is crazy.

Our mortgage was approved. As long as we get the rest of the documents needed before closing on October 17th, we’ll be homeowners. Hoooooly crap.

And that’s about it. I don’t have time for much else. Doing my best to keep up with all of you! Love you all.

❀

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I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😩

Quick Update Before Vacation

Where I am: CD20 (8dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: digestive issues, woke up one morning and almost got sick, nauseous most mornings, craving random things—all probably Crinone-related


I’m sorry for being away for so long, and just a heads-up that this will be a short entry as we leave for DC tomorrow morning and we are so behind in packing and have a wedding in NH tonight.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t really wanted to sit down and talk about it. Even now, I don’t really want to get into all of it, but I figured I owed you all an update. I’m going to bullet-point this shit, because…well, like I said, I’m tired and I have so much to do!

Regarding My Leg

  • had follow-up X-ray on Wednesday (freaked out about possible pregnancy, technician quintuple-shielded me—literally cleared the rack of all the aprons and put them all on me)
  • current state of fracture requires no surgery, but will if it worsens
  • orthopedist wants me to take 325mg aspirin, but said I could stay on 81mg if RE said unsafe for pregnancy…RE’s nurse told me to go ahead and take the higher dose, I asked if safe for pregnancy, she didn’t answer and just said my health and preventing blood clots is important…are you serious?
  • stiff brace, zero weight-bearing for 4 weeks
  • (if looking better) dial brace—adjustable for bending—partial weight-bearing for 2 weeks
  • eventually, physical therapy
  • monitoring requires X-rays but this could change if I end up pregnant…see Regarding TTC

Regarding TTC

  • faint line on cheapie earlier this week (trigger still there)
  • crystal-clear BFN this morning, second morning urine (trigger out of system)
  • OTD is in 4 days, July 2nd…any positive test from here on out is a BFP
  • if this cycle ends in a BFP, orthopedist and I will have to have a conversation on how to monitor my leg because X-rays are the only way of checking to make sure the fracture has not worsened
  • if this cycle ends in a BFN, there’s a very good chance that TTC will be sidelined until after my leg is better due to required X-rays and physical therapy—this notion is a dark cloud following me everywhere 😩

Other things to note…I’m off the Oxycodone for a few days now. The pain in my leg isn’t constant anymore, but there are flare-ups. Honestly, the worst pain is in my hands and arms from crutching around. My other leg is pretty worn down, too, from compensating from the other leg. I am sleeping better after my orthopedist appointment, where I learned that—while not recommended—I can bend my leg or apply pressure on the sides of it. I have slept on my side or stomach for the last three nights and it feels so much better. But overall, I’m physically exhausted and sleepy all the time.

Vacation starts tomorrow. We have my crutches, and we rented a transport chair that J will push me around in, and we are toying with the thought of renting a motorized scooter just for the DC half. I’m not 100% sure I’ll update you while we’re in DC (although my OTD is during that time period…so now that I think about it, I’ll probably check in and update you on that), but I’ll definitely write while we’re in VA beach. That half of the trip will be nothing but relaxation, sun, sand, reading, resting, and fruity drinks (obviously only if my HPT on the 2nd comes up a devastating BFN).

Until then, I bid you adieu. I promise I’m not this down 24/7. I’m not even feeling particularly down right this moment. It’s just with everything that happened this week, life just sucks. I have no hope for this cycle left. Oh well.

The Hits Keep Coming

Where I am: CD15 (3dpo)
Medications: Crinone (and Lovenox, and Oxycodone…keep reading for explanation)
Symptoms: couldn’t tell you


So…this weekend sucked.

Friday, as you know, I was feeling really crappy. I attribute this to ovulating, because I woke up Saturday feeling much better. Note to future self: intense ovarian pain probably means you’re ovulating. Good but necessary pain.

Saturday…well, it started out like this: we met our realtor at a house at 10:00AM. With five to see, it was a big morning. I had to be done by 2:00 as I had a concert to attend with my cousin that afternoon (our first concert ever).

We saw the first house—and we loved it! It is our #1 contender out of the three we’ve seen (why only three?…keep reading). The second…not so great. It’s off the list completely.

11:00AM, I’m driving my husband’s crossover to the other side of town on our way to the third house. We’re talking, laughing, saying we already might not want this house because it’s close to a bad town, we come up on a set of lights in front of a Wal*Mart, I’m in the right lane, the left lane is stopped as the car at the stop line is waiting for a left…

…and just as I am about to pass the first car in the left lane and cross the intersection, a car coming the opposite direction tries to take a left. Right in front of me. I slam on the breaks and swerve, but it’s too late.

Head-on collision. Airbags deploy. I black out for a second. Wake up to J looking like he’s in severe pain, I’m suffocating on the residue from the airbags and screaming at the top of my lungs. Cue the hysteria. Off-duty firefighter hears the crash down the street and comes to our aid. Checks out J, I tell him I’m fine. 911 is called, our realtor (who was two cars behind us) comes up out of nowhere. Offers me water and hugs me as I am hyperventilating. Crying. Terrified. Traumatized.

Ambulance takes us to the hospital. Five hours later, we are discharged: J has abdominal contusions but a CT scan clears him of internal bleeding. I don’t get off as lucky. In addition to serious contusions to my abdomen (are you fucking serious?) and thighs, I have a fracture in my knee. I’m in an immobilizer indefinitely. No surgery needed, thank God. Eventually physical therapy. I see an orthopedist on Friday. I can’t drive because it’s my right knee (and I’m on Oxy, too). So I’m out of work for the week. I can’t do anything on my own, including use the bathroom, so J is going to call his HR office tomorrow and see if he can go off work on FMLA so he can take care of me.

We are supposed to leave for DC on Sunday. How the fuck am I going to enjoy my vacation now?

I’m in the two week wait already. Wondering what the contusions did, wondering what the painkillers are doing. I’m also on Lovenox daily because the placement of the fracture and my fertility treatments put me at high risk for blood clots. I know that won’t hurt pregnancy as women actually take the stuff during fertility treatments. It’s just everything else.

I’ve barely slept. My knee is constantly in pain and when it’s not, I have nightmares. The Oxy makes me drowsy but I only end up half-sleeping, in which I can hear everything going on and still feel pseudo-awake.

I’m angry. Why can’t we catch a fucking break? I’m depressed. Needing to have my husband help me pull my fucking underwear down just so I can pee is degrading. It took me forever to take a shower today. He is doing everything for me. I don’t know where I got such an amazing man as my husband, but he’s in serious pain himself but he’s doing everything for me. We both woke up sore and bruised this morning, which everyone told us to expect.

This entry is so jumbled, but I am literally so mentally and emotionally and physically exhausted. I just wanted to update this so you all could know what happened.

Keep us in your thoughts and, if you’re the type and don’t have anything against doing it for a nonbeliever, prayers. Or send good vibes and juju and luck. After having so much hope and good feeling for this cycle, I am nervous this accident will screw it all up somehow. Be it the contusions, the Oxy, the stress, anything. I feel like our good feelings just went right out the window.

I’ll update again soon, something more coherent and hopefully not clouded by narcotics. I’m still trying to keep the faith, so even though I’m nervous it’s all gone to shit, I’ll sign off with the hashtag…

#teamjunebug (please please please)

Losing It

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired


Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.

Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.

I think I’ve hit my first wall.

And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.

Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.

But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.

So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.

I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.

I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.

I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.