Quick Update Before Vacation

Where I am: CD20 (8dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: digestive issues, woke up one morning and almost got sick, nauseous most mornings, craving random things—all probably Crinone-related


I’m sorry for being away for so long, and just a heads-up that this will be a short entry as we leave for DC tomorrow morning and we are so behind in packing and have a wedding in NH tonight.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t really wanted to sit down and talk about it. Even now, I don’t really want to get into all of it, but I figured I owed you all an update. I’m going to bullet-point this shit, because…well, like I said, I’m tired and I have so much to do!

Regarding My Leg

  • had follow-up X-ray on Wednesday (freaked out about possible pregnancy, technician quintuple-shielded me—literally cleared the rack of all the aprons and put them all on me)
  • current state of fracture requires no surgery, but will if it worsens
  • orthopedist wants me to take 325mg aspirin, but said I could stay on 81mg if RE said unsafe for pregnancy…RE’s nurse told me to go ahead and take the higher dose, I asked if safe for pregnancy, she didn’t answer and just said my health and preventing blood clots is important…are you serious?
  • stiff brace, zero weight-bearing for 4 weeks
  • (if looking better) dial brace—adjustable for bending—partial weight-bearing for 2 weeks
  • eventually, physical therapy
  • monitoring requires X-rays but this could change if I end up pregnant…see Regarding TTC

Regarding TTC

  • faint line on cheapie earlier this week (trigger still there)
  • crystal-clear BFN this morning, second morning urine (trigger out of system)
  • OTD is in 4 days, July 2nd…any positive test from here on out is a BFP
  • if this cycle ends in a BFP, orthopedist and I will have to have a conversation on how to monitor my leg because X-rays are the only way of checking to make sure the fracture has not worsened
  • if this cycle ends in a BFN, there’s a very good chance that TTC will be sidelined until after my leg is better due to required X-rays and physical therapy—this notion is a dark cloud following me everywhere 😦

Other things to note…I’m off the Oxycodone for a few days now. The pain in my leg isn’t constant anymore, but there are flare-ups. Honestly, the worst pain is in my hands and arms from crutching around. My other leg is pretty worn down, too, from compensating from the other leg. I am sleeping better after my orthopedist appointment, where I learned that—while not recommended—I can bend my leg or apply pressure on the sides of it. I have slept on my side or stomach for the last three nights and it feels so much better. But overall, I’m physically exhausted and sleepy all the time.

Vacation starts tomorrow. We have my crutches, and we rented a transport chair that J will push me around in, and we are toying with the thought of renting a motorized scooter just for the DC half. I’m not 100% sure I’ll update you while we’re in DC (although my OTD is during that time period…so now that I think about it, I’ll probably check in and update you on that), but I’ll definitely write while we’re in VA beach. That half of the trip will be nothing but relaxation, sun, sand, reading, resting, and fruity drinks (obviously only if my HPT on the 2nd comes up a devastating BFN).

Until then, I bid you adieu. I promise I’m not this down 24/7. I’m not even feeling particularly down right this moment. It’s just with everything that happened this week, life just sucks. I have no hope for this cycle left. Oh well.

TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

Mother’s Day, Optimism and Pessimism, My “Big Fat Positives,” and the Actual BFNs

Where I am: CD23 [13dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional upset stomach, peeing all the time, exhausted really early…probably all progesterone symptoms…


Well, I’ve been testing daily since last Friday. Faint lines, lines that were so faint I thought I was imagining them, up until Saturday: BFN. Sunday: BFN. Monday: BFN.

Today: BF-frickin’-N.

Seeing a pattern here?

*throws hissy fit, cries in the corner, goes into a Hulk rage, calms down*

Obviously those lines were the remnants of the trigger. So I know to wait about 10-11 days to let that shit get out of my system.

But now? Nothing but negatives! I’m so…angry, and upset, and disappointed.

My beta is tomorrow morning before I head into work. Obviously, I’m expecting a negative. My Twitter friends have not failed to remind me, however, that it’s not over yet. So I’m not about to go stuff my face with feta cheese and tuna soaked in vodka, but I’m just preparing myself for the worst.

Which means, if it is a positive, I’ll be in for quite an amusing phone call. Will probably be wanting to sit down for it. Just in case I pass out from sheer surprise.

I’m always trying to be optimistic. I’ve tried to be throughout this first Clomid/Ovidrel cycle. I actually barely acknowledged the first half of the 2ww because I was so busy with school. But I’ve felt very pessimistic the last few days. Despite all these symptoms I have, I’ve just felt for sure it must be the buildup of progesterone. It has nothing to do with pregnancy. And I’m angry about it. I’m sad about it. But I’m trying to be optimistic about the future. I hope my RE says “let’s keep going” with another round of Clomid because there’s no stopping me. I want my goddamn baby already. If my body is ready, I’m ready.

Anyway, moving on, because like hell do I want to dwell on this probable epic failure (whoops, there’s that pessimism rearing its ugly head). Mother’s Day is this weekend. I bought my mom her gifts early and gave them to her this past Saturday (the “Mom” and December birthstone Alex & Ani bracelets–I know, how original, but she loves jewelry and has never had A&A before and absolutely loved them). I think she’s expecting me next Sunday, but I don’t think I can do it. Last year I was so devastated that I went from expectant mother to not-expectant mother in a matter of one weekend, and then with my second pregnancy I was excited to celebrate this year’s being expectant once again. But I’m not. So…J and I might just go look at houses instead. Or stay home and spend time together.

Two awesome things did happen yesterday though, which I am calling my own version of BIG FAT POSITIVES.

First, I got my grades for the last semester: both A’s! Which means my 4.0GPA is still intact after one year of school. I can’t believe it! My attention on school has been anything but 100%…between working full-time and then dealing with the fallout from my second miscarriage, and dealing with the testing and procedures and surgeries. I’m pumped that I was able to keep up on my academics despite it all.

Second, Sunday’s bloodwork revealed that I ovulated! This is a super achievement because it reassured me that my body’s doing what it should. With the hyperprolactinemia, and all the suppression and stimulation and hormones and procedures and surgery, I was slightly concerned that my body was going to be too “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON” to function properly. But it seems the opposite is true.

Of course, whether or not it results in a pregnancy remains to be seen. But, baby steps.

This also makes me feel a little better about that infamous 30mm. I ovulated, and that pain in my right ovary seemed to dissipate overnight, so the chances of it being a very mature follicle and not a cyst are probably good…right? I hope so. Especially if tomorrow ends with THE BFN. I don’t want to go in for a baseline and see that little fricker still kicking around in there like a stupid cyst-y butthole.

Once again, this post is a little all over the place. I keep meaning to write entries on here and then I either get distracted or can’t muster the strength. I think I’m still rebooting from school. My personal blog has been growing weeds…I haven’t been on it in about a week and a half. Whoops.

It’s 3:00PM and I’m ready for a nap. I’m tired. All. The. Time! If it’s not pregnancy, it’s the progesterone, and if that’s the case, then let’s hurry up and bring AF around so I can go back to being hormone-crazy on Clomid and get my energy back. Whew.

(By the way, I put up a new page about all the drugs I take. In case anyone wanted to know.)

FREEDOM!!!!! …Wait, Oh Crap!

Where I am: CD17 [7dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional nausea, peeing all the time…a bunch of other shit that would normally scream “PREGNANCY,” but—HAH!—I know better…


My first year of school is behind me.

Halle-frickin’-lujah!!!!!!!

I didn’t think I would make it. Honestly, I didn’t. I had enough on my mind last semester, with trying and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant. This semester, with my second loss and the testing and the procedures and the surgery…cripes. I can’t believe it…

…but I made it. It’s over. Four months of summer, I am here. I am ready. Take me, hold me, keep me forever.

Phew.

And now it’s time to change gears. Turn off school, and turn up TTC and house-hunting. Just because classes are over hardly means my life is going to be any less full of happening things.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this, but my husband and I got pre-approved for a loan through the VA (with no down payment, which was good yet unnecessary, since we have one ready) and were assigned a realtor by USAA. I gave her the three towns we want to look in first…my husband has drill this weekend down the Cape and will be gone Saturday through Wednesday, so we’re looking at the second weekend in May to start going to open houses!

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, don’t mind me as I freak out. We’ve been talking about buying a house for something like three years, have been passively looking at houses for a little over a year and a half, and have been swearing we’d get serious about it for about a year. It’s been a long time coming. I’m overwhelmed and excited and…

…well, happy. I think a big part of putting off buying a house was because of everything that happened last year. I guess you could say we put a house on hold for the sake of TTC, kind of. I wanted to go to school, we wanted to have the money for the baby…of course, that didn’t pan out.

And now I’m just tired of putting our life on hold all the time. We need to keep moving forward. There is so much up in the air because of this IF stuff, but I’ll get into that another day. Buying a house is the right move for us. It’s happening this summer. In June, I will be doing a glorious happy dance when our landlord drops off the new lease agreement and I can finally check off “NO we will not be renewing our lease” as an option.

But now on to the “Oh, Crap!” part of the title. Because school is over. And while we are ramping up for the house thing and summer in general, the biggest stressor and distraction in my life has magically disappeared. Just…poof!

That said…it’s coming.

The freak out. Or meltdown. Something that probably involves tears and a mild panic attack.

It’s coming.

It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing. It’s a necessary thing, I think. I have a fantastic way of compartmentalizing my feelings (sometimes), especially when I have something to throw myself into 100% (i.e. school and work). I can push whatever is or could be bothering me into the back of my mind and focus on a separate task. The only issue with that is I eventually get to a point where that distraction is no longer there. And all the emotions or fears or sadness that I’ve kept bottled up and smothered down just erupts into one big mess.

I honestly don’t feel it right now. I have been thinking of this cycle, this Clomid cycle, and I think I won’t mind if I get a BFN. I actually kind of feel like I will be getting a BFN. I just don’t feel pregnant right now. Not that I would a week post-trigger, but…I’m sure you know what I mean. Wanna-be mommy’s intuition, I guess. And I think I am okay with it.

But I know there’s going to be a moment this week or next week when it hits me. Once my brain recovers from the shock that has been these past few weeks at school. Once the fact that I’m really in my first treatment cycle for infertility settles in.

But it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. A little sob session never hurt anyone.

I’m so sorry for the disjointed and unfocused post. As you can probably tell, my brain is broken. I really do write better than this, I swear. I just need a moment to regenerate some brain cells.

I’ll have you know I’ve caught up on all your posts. Didn’t comment on all of them, but I read all of them!

And now I’m going to go mindlessly watch TV and/or pass the f**k out. Maybe both at the same time. Stay tuned, I’ll be back tomorrow or the next day with another post (and a Liebster award nomination, hooray!).

Baby dust and rainbows to you all. ❤

Totally Lost in a New Experience

Where I am: CD13 [3dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily (started this morning)
Symptoms: stomach is on-and-off weird, achy feeling in ovaries just started to let up this morning


So here I am, officially in the 2ww.

I’ll be honest, yesterday I was seriously doubting this cycle. My ovaries had been achy for days and I was starting to become paranoid in thinking that 30mm was actually a cyst and that’s why my right ovary was still so sore—because it was still in there! Plus, I’m paranoid that I somehow f**ked up the trigger and that maybe I’m not ovulating…

…see, ladies, I’ve never done this whole, like…I don’t know, “tracking” thing. I never did basal temps, or investigated my cervical goo, or…any of that. J and I just tried. We just didn’t use protection and I kind of tried to have us baby dance around when my period app told me I’d be ovulating, and it just happened. Twice. It would be annoyingly awesome if not for the fact that I miscarried both times.

Hoping this means I didn't f**k it up! :D

Hoping this means I didn’t f**k it up! 😀

So in short, I don’t know what ovulation pains are like. I’ve never paid attention to any of this. So now I find myself in the weird position of thinking “I know I should be ovulating because I triggered” and genuinely not knowing if I am, because I don’t know how that feels.

It’s kind of aggravating.

Anyway, I digress. I took HPTs the morning after I triggered (10 hours later, to be precise) and this morning—see photo—and there was a visible line both times. I am taking this as a sign that I didn’t screw anything up, the HCG is in my system, and is hopefully triggering (or already triggered) ovulation. I woke up this morning and my ovaries felt significantly less achier than yesterday. In fact, my uterus now feels a little achy. Maybe there’s little eggies and spermies gettin’ busy in there, who knows. I can only hope.

But that’s about all I’m going to do, is hope. And test every other day until the line disappears and/or starts getting darker (and then I might test every day).

Sidenote: I also started my progesterone suppositories this morning. In my hoohah. Weird friggin’ feeling, right? Sheesh.

My final project for one of my classes in graduate school is due Wednesday. I’m not even halfway done with it yet. We have a make-up class from a snow day tonight, so I’ll be heading into Boston early to work on the project with the Adobe programs there at school and gathering a little plethora of questions to ask my professor when we use computer lab time to work on the projects and get feedback. Sunday through Tuesday is going to be rough as I pull together the rest of the pieces…and then class is Wednesday night.

SO! If you don’t see me here on WordPress for a while, don’t fear. I’ll be back once this semester is behind me. But honestly, I need to put infertility and the 2ww in the back of my mind so I can perfect this project and get an A in this class. Wish me luck! I’ll try to check in with you guys occasionally, but if not, baby dust to those of you trying this cycle and good thoughts and vibes to those of you awaiting second betas and/or ultrasounds!! ❤

** Edit: I originally posted “3dpt” up at the top of my post, which apparently means “days past transfer” not “days past trigger.” My sincere apologies for screwing that up. As I just said, I know nothing! 🙂 **