Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Where I am: 23w5d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: sore stomach ligaments/muscles, iffy sleep, peeing a lot, crazy appetite yet only able to eat half what I used to, constipation/upset stomach, congestion, hip/back pain, and heartburn has made an appearance…
Movement: every day


I’m in class, and I’m so tired that the only way I’ll stay awake is if I pretend to pay attention and instead write a blog entry.

So, here I am.

Viability this week…I can’t believe it. Of course, the anxiety is creeping back as I get closer to this milestone. There have been SO MANY BABIES born lately: two bloggers on here, both moms to twins, had early births, and two twitterers had preemies as well due to either pre-eclampsia or high blood pressure. All four were C-sections, I believe.

Anyway, my point is, I’ve seen a lot of photos of babies not quite full-term. Some less than 35w. They are scary small. I can’t imagine how a baby survives at less than 30w, forget about at 24w.

*shudders*

So that’s why baby boy is going to stay nice and comfortable in there and just relax. Hang tight. We’ve got, at bare minimum, another 10w to go. My orders. Got it, little one?

Today I’ve had a headache (since yesterday, actually—which leads me to believe it is the weather, but…) and lightheadedness. A twitter pal suggested I go to the doc and get my BP checked…and I intended to go to a CVS or something and check it myself. But a debacle involving my debit card (read: pregnancy brain) made me late leaving work. And I was late to class as it is. So…yeah.

I think it’s sleep deprivation and/or dehydration. Hopefully after tonight I can get some rest.

Only four more weeks after this, of school. A lot to do in that short span of time…but I’ll get there. I will.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. I’ll monitor the headaches/dizziness and if it continues, I’ll go to the doc tomorrow or Wednesday. J and I talked today about how we have to start helping each other out by looking out for the other. Making sure neither of us is overdoing it. Because we both have. And then we are both worried about the other, and…it’s nonsense. So we had an intervention. Time to slow down. Take care of ourselves. Hopefully we stick to it.

I’ll be 24w on Thursday. Next big milestone, in my eyes is Christmas Day—the first day of my third trimester. Holy shitballs.

Just rested my arm on my belly and baby boy gave a BIG kick/punch. I think he wanted me to let you all know he’s good. He says hi. 🙂 ❤

Everybody Knows Everything

Where I am: 18w2d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random nausea, constipation, congestion, hip/back pain (seriously is not getting better!), and abdominal tenderness…


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My stupid, silly, last-minute photograph half of the announcement. Like the door-stopper in the middle? *sigh*

It all started last weekend. I met up with my cousin and, donned in maternity wear for the public for the first time this pregnancy, off we went shopping for more maternity clothes. We got our nails done (I call them “Lucky Bug” nails) and had Panera for a late lunch. And then it came time to go to my cousin’s house to tell her parents and her two siblings that I was pregnant.

…YIPES.

lucky bug nails

LB nails!

I couldn’t even say the words. We just stood in the kitchen awkwardly smiling and laughing, me with my sweatshirt on and hiding my bump, until my aunt finally guessed. They were happy. I told them about why I’ve kept it secret so long, and my aunt told me I should’ve talked to her as she went through a miscarriage herself (which I knew, but…meh, it’s complicated). My cousin texted her aunt (my not-blood-related uncle’s sister) and then called her grandparents (again, my not-blood-related uncle’s parents) to tell them. Anxiety, yes, for sure, but it all ended fine. I checked LB on the Doppler immediately after and all was well.

Monday night, I decided I was done hiding. Just done. At this point, the stress of everything (not even just the pregnancy but everything else, too) was getting to me and I decided it was a waste to stress about hiding my baby bump or making sure I didn’t answer a phone call from my OB with the door open or WHATEVER. So Tuesday morning I dressed in some new maternity wear, came in, told my boss, told everyone in the office, and done. I had stayed up late the night before, doing HW and typing up the email announcement explaining the last two years and arranging the t-shirts on my stupid apartment wall for the photograph part of the announcement for my dad’s side of the family, and so I sent that out in the afternoon on my lunch break.

And then yesterday, I came out on Instagram and Facebook.

Capture

Coming out, Part 1…

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…and Coming out, Part 2.

Instagram was a lot easier than Facebook. Facebook took me a while to hit “post.” But I have, and I’m pretty sure this will go down in history as the most liked and commented-on post on my Facebook account…ever. Even more so than my wedding. Lots of nice things said. Only one stupid comment so far but hey, there had to be one, right?

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Facebook announcement.

It has been an overwhelming week. My hips and back are killing me…between that and everything else going on, I don’t sleep. Be it HW, pain, anxiety, a racing mind…no sleep for me. It’s starting to catch up. I had a meltdown at 4AM this morning…it was not pretty. Raging anger and then uncontrollable sobbing. Poor hubby looked petrified, but he held me while I cried even after I screamed at both him and the cat. I think he’s finally starting to understand that I can’t control some of this shit. Whoremones, man. Christ.

So I honestly meant to write more, but I just got stuck with more work. Never a break with this new job! Three day weekend ahead…HW, packing for the move, spending time relaxing with my husband…that’s all I have planned. Nothing extravagant. Oh, our nephew’s birthday party Sunday morning. Bowling. Not sure I can swing that but hey, I’ll try.

Sorry, Y’all…Life’s Happening

Where I am: 17w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning), waking up at least 3-4x in the night to pee…


I’m 17w today.

Where has the time gone…

True story: I am so excited/anxious about the anatomy ultrasound (when we find out the sex, too!) which is two weeks from Monday that I forgot I have a CNM appointment tomorrow morning. HAH. My trusty countdown on my blog reminded me just a moment ago.

When did I get to the point when I don’t count down the hours to every appointment??

Probably when I got the Doppler. Ahhhh, Dopplers are the best. Sure, they don’t tell me if LB is growing or not genetically abnormal or basically really anything…but it reassures me she’s still alive in there. That’s all I need. I almost don’t remember what it was like living appointment to appointment just to find out if I was still pregnant with a living baby.

Speaking of the Doppler, that once-every-five-days rule isn’t working out for me so well. The round ligament pain is just soooooo intense sometimes, the anxiety gets to me, and I’m already stressed to the max with everything non-baby-related that it sincerely worries me to have my heart racing in fear all the time. But I am not using it every day, and whenever I use it, I shut it off less than a minute after hearing the heartbeat. While I’d love to sit there and listen for hooouuuurrrssss, I don’t want to harm or irritate LB. Plus, she’s so easy to find! I swear, she hasn’t moved from my lower right side since about 13w. I find it within a minute, and I shut it off within a minute from there. I get my reassurance that all is well. That heart is still beating. And that’s good enough for me.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. RLP is a bitch, the hip and back pain doesn’t seem to be consistently getting worse as I thought it was, but it flares up something awful every few days. Getting out of bed to pee is basically torture. I hope this is a sign LB is growing at an appropriate rate and my poor pelvis and everything else in my abdomen is just protesting to having to share the space. 😉

I’m definitely showing. 100%. Hiding at work is getting miserable. I’m wearing non-work-appropriate clothing (i.e. sweatshirts) to try and hide it but…such futile efforts. My boss still doesn’t know but that has more to do with being busy as shit than anything else.

Still haven’t announced. In fact, I’ve barely worked on it! Haven’t had the time! My cousin and I are hanging out this weekend and I think she’s going to help me put it together. I’m telling her family on Saturday (my aunt and uncle and my other two cousins) and that’s a big step because my aunt is going to become obsessed with it and maaayyyy say a stupid thing or two. But, I’m hoping she won’t.

So my goals for this weekend/next week are to get the announcement put together and get it out there. I’ll probably announce on Facebook/Instagram/etc the week after that. Maybe sooner, depending how I feel. The bottom line is, it’s time to get this little bug’s existence known. I’m probably going to have the biggest panic attack after hitting send on this email to the rest of my family, but…I’m almost halfway through my 5th month. It’s time. And I can check in on LB whenever I want, and soon enough I’ll be feeling kicks that’ll make me feel even better about things.

Also, apparently, October is “Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month” (I’ve seen a lot on October 15th specifically, so, I’ll be lighting a candle for my lost babies on that day particularly). I think it’s fitting that LB will become known to the general public this month, and that I’ll be coming out about the last two years.

Oh gosh, there’s so much I need to say in this post and I’m afraid I’ll forget.

Okay, first, since I just mentioned it: my announcement. I know some people who’ve announced/come out at the same time and didn’t want to spend too much time discussing their losses at the same time because this time is their rainbow baby’s time. While I really want it to be all about LB and celebrating that life that’ll be arriving in less than five months (WHAT?!), I also feel like…like this. LB is going to be celebrated every day for the rest of her life. By me, by J, by our families, by friends. Meanwhile, my two lost babies haven’t had any acknowledgement from anyone but the two of us and a smattering of people. And even then, those people don’t talk about my losses anymore, because it’s easier to talk about LB, and because “now I have LB, now this pregnancy is going well.” I mean, shit, BB had a heartbeat and was moving around inside me and had arms and legs and a cute little head. My little bean-shaped baby. And no recognition whatsoever. It makes me sad.

So, yes, I think my announcement will be about 50/50. I think I want to spend time reflecting and letting friends and family know that, yes, there were two before. They are just as important to me as LB. I will always treasure them. And their short lives should be known, and celebrated. Just like LB. Just because they were taken from me before they could see this world doesn’t mean they matter less than LB does.

So yeah. That’s what my announcement will be like. A celebration and an acknowledgement of all my babies.

The other thing I definitely wanted to talk about was, and I wasn’t even going to say anything on here, but I will, I think I might’ve felt movement. Not kicks, but like…a flutter. On my lower right side as I was falling asleep, last week. Not sure I’ve felt anything since. And I can’t even know if it was movement. But I think I felt something. Just a little hello from my sweet bug.

Let’s see…what else. I have such little time to update! Ugh! Stupid busy days at work.

I dunno. Announcement-making (and maybe sending) this weekend. Also more maternity clothes shopping (need comfy work-appropriate pants!) and maybe baby stuff shopping with my cousin? And maybe getting my nails done. And a shitload of homework, but that’s for the public post.

Okay. I think I’m done. I’ll try to come back soon. New blog still not launch-ready. Life is happening, people. Life is happening and I can’t keep up.

(By the way, many of you, on here and on Twitter, are either dealing with uneasy betas or grueling 2ww’s or difficult pregnancies. I’ve been reading and keeping up with all your stories. I’m sorry if I haven’t commented as much…but know I think of you all, daily. ❤ )

(And for those of you pregnant and moving right along (I’m talking to YOU, wtfovaries!), holy shit. Where has the time gone for YOU?! Craziness, I say. Craziness. 🙂 )

Big Update on the Bug

Where I am: 12w7d
Medications: just the basics!
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still a little bit of nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation, and *new* round ligament pain!


Sorry I haven’t checked in for a while! I assure you, Bug is fine. As far as I know (Friday’s OB MD appointment will reassure me of that).

Also, unless she’s lying to my face, brother’s girlfriend isn’t pregnant. PHEW!

So let me update you on a few things… Continue reading

My Stubborn Little Bug

Where I am: 11w5d
Medications: Crinone (single-digit countdown until the last day I take this)
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation


Lucky Bug is doing just fine.

Moving around, punching and kicking like crazy! Quite the active baby. Measuring right on time, with a heartbeat in the 160s (either 163 or 168, I forget). I think the NT was good, as the level was only .9mm (and Dr. Google says anything under 1.5mm or something is good). I had my blood taken as well, so we won’t know the results for a while. Pretty sure I have more blood taken at 14w. I forget.

I really wish I could write more, but I am SWAMPED with mortgage stuff. There is not enough time in the world to be pregnant, switching jobs, about to start school, and buying a house. Really, truly, there is not.

But I wanted to update you. LB is good. Hubby and I both watched it on the screen for 20mins. It was beautiful, wonderful, absolutely amazing. I’ll check in after my CNM appointment on Friday, as that is the day both hubby and I get to listen to the heartbeat! I’ll be 12w2d by then! What?!

😀

I Hope You Can Hear Me When I Say I Love You and Don’t Ever Leave

Where I am: 11w4d
Medications: Crinone (single-digit countdown until the last day I take this)
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation


I still have symptoms. I guess I still feel pregnant.

And yet, that doesn’t stop the paralyzing fear about tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about Christmas Eve. I know, it’s not the same. I know this pregnancy has progressed much, much better than my pregnancy with Baby Bean. I know that I’ve already surpassed where I was that time. Lucky Bug is a fighter. So strong, defying the odds. Come hell or high water, this little one has kept going.

But I cannot stop thinking about that day.

I think about that moment when the technician turns on the machine, and the picture shows up on that giant wall monitor. I’m scared of what I’ll see. I’m scared I won’t see an 11w5d fetus, but something smaller. Underdeveloped. Without a heartbeat. I’m scared of that deafening silence of the technician. I’m scared of the questions about my LMP, and the gestational age at the last scan. I’m scared of the dreaded “I need to consult with a doctor, I’ll be right back” line. I’m scared of the moment one of them reaches out their hand and touches mine, gently, to tell me my baby has died.

And I know…I really do, I know. I have to be positive. And I’m not saying that’s what I’m expecting. In fact, a small part of me is hoping—and expecting—to see a healthy LB in there. Based on how I’ve been feeling. But that’s the problem. I’ve found a part of myself has slipped into that sense of comfort, into that sense of maybe everything will be okay. It was so hard not to say anything to my brother and his girlfriend today at her graduation party. I asked my brother if he had any free time next weekend, and of course he gave me the runaround. They’re going away, he’s got to work, yadda yadda yadda. Completely unaware of how desperate I am to sit them down and tell them of the last nearly two years. Of the heartbreak we’ve been through, the struggle. And of the good, of our little LB.

This is what terrifies me. How desperate I feel in wanting to make this real. In wanting to make this different.

I got a gift certificate from The Paper Store for my birthday, and since we’re on a money crunch, I used it to buy a card and a gift for my brother’s girl (and some other things). I made it to the checkout and commented to J that it kind of stunk that I was using my birthday gift certificate on someone else and not even anything for me! He told me to go pick something out…so I picked out a onesie. Green, with the Red Sox logo on it. Similar to the jersey I got for myself for the infamous Saint Patty’s Day/birthday party where I found out about my friend’s close-to-mine pregnancy. LB is due March 11th, which means s/he could be around for that holiday. If s/he is, I’ll be dressing him or her in that onesie.

And what a difference a year will make.

So if you came into this post thinking I was filled with dread…you’re wrong. I’m filled with hope. Which is possibly more terrifying than dread. Because I am going to lose that much more of myself if tomorrow goes poorly.

I’m going to try my best to sleep tonight. I unfortunately need to wake up early so I can work from home a few hours, as my appointment is at 10:00AM. There’s no point in waking J to drive me to work for 2 hours, just to pick me up and bring me to my appointment, just to drive me back to work, and then pick me up another four hours later. So I am hoping to keep busy with work, as I have things I need to get done.

So I leave you with this: my sweet little Bug, I hope you can hear me in there. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how badly I don’t want you to leave me. I hope you’re safe and thriving in there. We can’t wait for you to be with us, but we can wait. I want you to know that. We can wait another six months for you. We’ve waited this long for you already. So you stay in there as long as you need, and we’ll be here. I love you. Don’t leave me.