I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

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TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

And the Verdict Is…

Where I am: CD24 [14dpt(rigger)]
Medications: none
Symptoms: same old, same old…


My hCG level came back undetectable.

I am not pregnant.

There’s a good chance that, despite my desperate attempts to be happy and not let it get me down, I’ll have a good ol’ cry in J’s arms once I get home. Then again, maybe not. But probably.

But honestly, I think I’m good. I think I’m okay. I have my eyes on the future.

Plus side for the day is I don’t have to take any more Crinone starting right very now. No more gooopy hoohah! Hopefully AF makes her appearance by the weekend, because I’d awfully like to get started on the next cycle!

And my RE (Dr. O from now own, and no that’s not a pun…his last name actually begins with O) wants to do the same protocol as last time, meaning the Clomid/Ovidrel trigger. I call on CD1, they do a baseline before CD3, and if everything looks good (which, if my ovaries know any better, they will) then back around the TTC circle we go!

My hopes for the next cycle are that I don’t end up with one incredibly large-and-in-charge follicle and a whole bunch of others that are smaller. Normal growth is what I’m aiming for this time. At least 2 or 3 good ones. That aren’t ridiculously huge.

Anyway. Work day is almost done. I had this post sitting in my drafts with “I am/am not pregnant” written there for hours. It bums me out that I had to delete the affirmative. But what can you do? Nothing but go home to the copious bottles of wine I have waiting for me…plus a sweet, loving husband exhausted from drill who just wants to snuggle and watch TV, and a nice steak dinner that we’ll be cooking together.

“There’s no harm in hoping for the best as long as you’re prepared for the worst.” 

― Stephen King, Different Seasons

Now I’ve Done Some Things In a Bathroom Stall, But *THIS*…

Where I am: CD10!
Medications: Ovidrel trigger, injected at 10pm!
Symptoms: dudes, my ovaries are achy as hell…


Oh my God, what a day.

Honestly, guys, I have this huge final project hanging over my head due next Wednesday and all I could think about on the train ride home from class was how bad I wanted to type this post.

As you know, I was CD10 today. Showed up at 8:15AM for my ultrasound, and after much poking around (oh my goodness, “stimulated” ovaries are very tender to the touch—owww) the ultrasound tech told me I had a 10mm, 11mm, and 12mm on the left and an 11mm and a—wait for it—30mm on the right!

No. That’s not a typo. Your surprise was my surprise. And the tech’s surprise.

So of course she says she can’t believe it’s so big so early, and sends me on my way with promises of a phone call later that morning or early afternoon. As my husband is driving me back home to drop me off at my car so I can race to work, I’m Googling the shit out of “30mm follicle Clomid too big?” and other searches and finding mixed signals. Enter the face of defeat. Of frustration. Of sadness.

Got to work, told my mom the bad news, she told me to stop with the damn Googling (but ladies, come on, we IF-ers are the queens of Google are we not? she just can’t understand), and to go about my day. So I did (with some more Googling and posting on Twitter—follow me @dreams_rainbows if you aren’t already—and on my BabyBump app). And 4:00PM starting drawing near, and I started to get nervous, because I needed to know if I had to fly home and grab the Ovidrel out of the fridge and bring it with me to class.

The second I tweet about it, the office calls. I flee my cubicle and find a spot in the hallway to talk. As she’s speaking, three people walk down the hall talking loudly, so I rush into a side hall. They follow. I rush past them to the stairwell and apologize to the lady that I couldn’t hear her and she starts all over again. Explains I’m good to go! I ask about the 30mm, she says my RE looked it over and the baseline and said it must be a follicle!

*takes deep breath* Continue reading