Waiting for Aunt Flow

Where I am: CD24
Medications: none
Symptoms: moody, pimply, PMSy


It’s June! It’s June, it’s June, it’s June.

And I am telling you what I am not going to do.

I’m not going to get my hopes up. No, ma’am.

I’ll be honest with you. I want to get pregnant this month. And I feel like it could happen. I heard back from the RE about the dosage of Clomid I’ll be on (50mg, down from 100mg) and after being a little panicked and disheartened (because I hear about how so many don’t respond to 50mg) I was reassured by a select Twitter buddy or two that since I over-responded to 100mg, 50mg should be perfect for me since anything other than IVF requires a maximum of two mature follicles per cycle. I am so hoping this is the case. I am hoping my body and lady bits are okay, and that my baseline will be fine, and that my ovaries will tenderly and reasonably accept the Clomid and produce a few good strong happy follies and I’ll trigger and everything will be great.

But…BUT…I am not holding my breath.

Because I’ve still been achy down there. I’m concerned my ovaries might be a little effed up from the last cycle and possible OHSS. I’m preparing myself for a bad baseline. That I may need to take a cycle off to allow my system and lady bits to normalize. I’m also preparing myself for a poor response to the Clomid, be it under- or overstimulation. It could happen. We are evidently still figuring things out.

But this month is going to be good. I’ve got a lot of happy things going on. It seems every weekend is full of something to do. My niece’s birthday is this weekend, so I’ll be going with her and my sister-in-law to get a mani/pedi (I am SO OVERDUE FOR ONE OF THESE!), maybe a concert with my cousin the weekend after that. In a few weeks, the hubby and I will be spending a weekend in NY for a Swarovski event (don’t ask, haha). At the end of the month, we’ll be attending one of his Iraq battle buddies’ weddings. The next morning, we leave for our vacation. Washington DC for the first half, Virginia Beach for the second.

In December (because, little did we know, Baby Bean had passed weeks before), he had to put in his vacation time with his job and, given that they didn’t have paternity leave, he took his time off around when the baby would be born. Since we thought everything was fine, and everything would go right this time.

Whoops.

July 6th, 2014 is going to be a bitch and a half to get through. To counteract that, we are taking our vacation during that timeframe, instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves because we know why he really has this time off. We should be saving the money (though my parents, as J’s birthday gift, will be paying for most if not all hotel expenses) since we’re buying a house this summer, but we both agreed we deserve the break. We haven’t taken a vacation together since our honeymoon two years ago, so this is well overdue. We deserve to get away, to enjoy the time rather than bemoan it. On the 6th, I will be by the ocean soaking up sunlight and saltwater. I’ll probably be out to dinner with my husband that evening. We will acknowledge our loss, and probably feel sad…and I might even cry (read: probably)…but we are not going to wallow.

So even if we have another cycle cancelled in a row, or are anxiously awaiting the results of the cycle (which, if AF comes this week–and she should because my face looks like a pimple warzone–we could be), we are going to keep our heads up. I am going to keep my head up. I need to keep going with the flow, rolling with the punches, this summer. For the first time since I started grad school in the fall, I’ve been enjoying the weather and my friends and family–and I need to keep that up. TTC be damned. Especially at the end of this month, and the beginning of this month.

Phew. Okay.

In other news, as the title and previous paragraphs suggest, I am waiting for Godot Aunt Flow. My face is breaking out, my emotional stability yesterday was insanely tenuous, and I am CD24. Last cycle was 27 days long (granted, I was on progesterone that time, and the sudden drop in the hormone once I stopped probably helped AF along), so I’m hoping sometime this week will be the day. Whether I pass the baseline or not, I just want to know so I can move on with this month, you know?

I have also decided to take it upon myself to seek a specialist help regarding my thyroid problem. There’s one in the endocrinology department at the office I go to near my apartment, so I’m calling them today after I leave work to set up an appointment. I appreciate and really like Dr. O, but he’s got a lot to worry about. My thyroid, my pituitary, my ovaries, my uterus, blah blah blah. I understand he can’t dedicate all his time to figuring out my thyroid. And honestly, I think having one person focusing all their energy on this problem will be better than him doing it anyway. Less distraction, right? I hope so. I need to do what I need to do to get my rainbow baby.

I’ll check back in later this week, ladies (and gents). Hopefully next time I do, I’ll be in the throes of a new cycle. 🙂

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Oh Proper Thyroid Function, Where Art Thou?

Where I am: CD19
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


First of all, an acknowledgement of my most recent post about BFPs in the IF/RPL community. My blog has received 155 192 views from 67 89 visitors just today! The post itself? An astounding 78 88 views!

I mean…WHAT?!

I am flattered. I am touched. I wrote it as a nod to my preggo pals, and instead my blog is imploding from all the attention. Thank you!

Anyway, a small update. I got my thyroid and pituitary results back recently. My prolactin, thankfully, went down from a way too high 38.36 to an almost pregnancy-safe 16.64! So I will continue my half-pill of bromocriptine every night.

My thyroid… *sigh* My TSH went up slightly from 3.08 to 3.29. GRRRRRR! So frustrating, especially since they increased my dose since the last level!

The nurse called me today, and Dr. O wants to put me back on the dosage of levothyroxine I was on last fall (which consequently brought my TSH to an incredibly low level of .19 during my last pregnancy). I asked her whether or not we should have the free T3 and T4 done, and she said no because my level was within normal range.

This frustrated me a little bit. Isn’t the whole point of increasing my dose so that my thyroid levels are closer to pregnancy-safe? Why wouldn’t they want to make sure the tests are accurate??

I’m considering calling back and speaking to someone else…and requesting—or demanding—that I have those other tests done. I’m nervous the TSH alone isn’t being reliable, and the paranoia that my thyroid contributed to both my miscarriages is rampant and I don’t want it to happen again.

Anyway…CD19 today. Inching closer and closer to AF, I hope! Oh, and that reminds me—while I had the nurse on the phone, I had her put in an order with CVS Caremark for my new dosage of Clomid. I’ll probably call on Monday (CD23) and have it delivered the next day so that I have it for the start of my new cycle.

Fingers crossed that 1) AF shows up in a reasonable time, and 2) I clear my baseline ultrasound. I’m still having ovarian tenderness/pain in my abdomen that flares a little sometimes when I pee. I’m nervous the last Clomid cycle and possible OHSS did something to screw up my lady parts. I hope I’m wrong.

Rough Patch

Where I am: CD13
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


I’m sorry for that horribly negative post the other day. I was not in a good mood after that phone call.

A bottle of wine and lots of TV have gotten me to today, Friday, the day before the long weekend. A weekend in which I really hope to have a fantastic time celebrating two years married, eight years together total, with my amazing, strong, loving, caring, supportive husband.

(I’m trying not to think about how we stupidly joked last week that we might get to conceive our sticky baby during our timed baby-dancing over our anniversary weekend. I’m trying not to think that since my ovaries are still achy as all getout, I probably haven’t even ovulated yet and any sex we do have will have to be accompanied by a friggin’ condom. How’s that for ironic?)

As of yet, we have no official plans (we’re bad at planning ahead…we haven’t even booked our hotels for our end of June/beginning of July vacation…yeahhhh). We’ll probably cook dinner together tonight, I’ll open another bottle of wine, we’ll relax and plan something out for tomorrow. Or, he’ll have a surprise plan waiting for me when I get home. Either way, I don’t care. To be clear, “having a fantastic time celebrating our anniversary” doesn’t even mean “going out.” As long as we’re together and having fun and doing something that’ll make us laugh and smile, that’s all I care about.

Of course, because of this cancelled cycle, I am feeling all-around negative about everything. I’m starting to worry I won’t get that job I applied for, because I’m starting to feel bored in my current job (although, honestly, this TTC thing has adverse effects on how motivated I am because I’m not entirely passionate about what I do). I’m starting to be concerned about the house thing, because it’s almost June and we aren’t even pre-approved yet. I’m starting to worry we waited too long and that we’ll be stuck moving into my parents’ house come September when our apartment lease runs out.

But I need to stop. Stop thinking negative. Let things happen as they do. I can only control so much.

I’ll be back next week. There’s nothing really for me to talk about since this cycle is a bust. I just keep thinking that by the time I return to work next Tuesday, it’ll be CD17 and I’ll hopefully be that much closer to AF showing her ugly face again.

Have a great weekend, everyone (and enjoy the long weekend, my fellow US friends, Happy Memorial Day). ❤

Letting Go

Where I am: CD11
Medications: none
Symptoms: nothing


I’ve decided to let this cycle go.

The risk of getting pregnant with three or more babies is too scary. With my RPL, it is too big of a risk. I may regret it, but I can’t…I can’t do it. I just can’t. I looked into selective reduction and I don’t think I could do it knowing it was my fault that I had to decide to do it anyway.

I am getting my hair cut and colored this weekend. This weekend is also when J and I will celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy both, guilt-free. Hair dye and maybe some alcohol and non-pregnancy-or-TTC-approved foods.

We need to get pre-approved for a mortgage. We need to get this house-hunting started. The months are ticking by.

I won’t sugarcoat it. This hit me hard. I didn’t expect to have a cancelled cycle so soon (or at all, I guess). And after the tech told me we’d be good to go…I thought it was fine…and then it wasn’t…

I’m feeling really negative, really resentful. It blows. I don’t want to feel like this. But fighting it will only make it worse in the end. I need to let myself feel it. So I can move past it.

So May won’t be my month.

Here’s to June, then.

______________________

P.S. Thank you everyone for responding yesterday. I really appreciated all of the encouragement. And I would have needed it, had I chosen to go ahead…I just did my own research, and made my decision. But I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you. ❤

NEVER MIND—Cycle Cancelled

And my hopes come crashing the fuck down.

I’m sorry for the f-bombs. I’ve been dropping a lot of them in the last hour or so.

In my last post from all of two or three hours ago, I said I was probably good to go. That we had a good amount of follies.

The office called and said they were recommending to cancel the cycle. My follie sizes were 10mm, 11mm, 13mm, 13mm, 14mm, and 17mm. They think I am at risk for 3+ multiples.

Really? Really?? I feel like that would never happen. Never in a million years.

I’m not sure what to think right now. I’m upset. I was riding on a high and all excited and “infertility can’t have May anymore” and now this. I can tell you right now, I’ve got zero fucking positivity in me right now. Zero. Nothing.

I am considering trying anyway. I wouldn’t trigger, because that might cause all the eggs to drop. But I’d buy an OPK, track, and have sex around O time. And hope that only one or two drop.

But I don’t know. I’d have to do progesterone twice a day to guard against not having enough in my system to support a pregnancy. Which, I’m not really concerned about, because it is the ONLY fertility med my insurance is covering and is only costing me $20 every time to refill it.

And I’m of course nervous about getting pregnant with more than 2 babies. I have RPL, so that’s obviously not advisable and is probably why my RE didn’t want to risk it (although the nurse said it was because I was only 26 and they don’t put that much risk into younger patients with good FSH and all that shit).

But at the same time, what are the chances? What are the chances?? And I feel like if I don’t do anything, I’ll regret it!

Thoughts, anyone? Please? Even if it’s a no, I want to hear it.