Where I am: CD1
Well here I am. Cycle Day 1, and it’s Mother’s Day.
How is that for ironic?
Honestly, you’d think I’d be upset about that…but truly, honestly, I’m not. Since I got my BFN beta on Wednesday, I have been willing my body to do its natural thing. Since I was 12 or 13, I’ve had long periods and long, random and infrequent cycles. Sometimes they would come every 4 weeks, sometimes 4 and a half, sometimes 5. My body is unreliable.
My fear was, with all the medications and the messing around my RE has been doing with my body for surgeries and procedures, that my body was—again—going to be confused and not get into its natural process on its own.
But it did. Thank God. I started cramping yesterday around dinnertime and by midnight I was spotting. I declared today CD1. If anything, all the manipulations have made my body more reliable. It’s weird. I used to cramp for days before my period, but the last two have involved cramping for less than half a day before AF shows her face.
I’m happy because that means we can get started again this week. I’ll call the office in the morning and hopefully they can get me in tomorrow or Tuesday, because Tuesday would be CD3 and I want to be able to start Clomid if I pass my baseline ultrasound. Fingers crossed for that.
I was going to treat myself to a manicure today, but I’m seriously in so much pain (that much hasn’t changed, apparently). Because I take aspirin daily, I don’t want to risk a stomach ulcer by taking ibuprofen every 4 hours (which used to be the norm for me), so I pretty much have to suck it up and get over it. I might try taking acetaminophen. That doesn’t work as well, though. Blech.
So instead, I’m going to couch-potato it. I finished Seasons 1-4 of Parenthood on Netflix and am now watching the most recent season on OnDemand (here’s hoping it gets picked up for a sixth season? I hear it’s still not confirmed yet…). I think I’ll binge-watch the show, eat some Easter chocolate, maybe drink some wine, and just relax.
Of course, I’ll be thinking of my lost babies. Specifically Baby Bean, who would’ve been 7mos grown in my belly at this point. I can’t ignore that fact.
But what I can do is hope for the future. Maybe this time next year I will have another baby, healthy and alive and kicking, in my belly. Or maybe I’ll have a little 2- or 3-month-old in my arms. Who knows?
I know I am a mother. Whether society sees me as one or not, I am a mother. I was a mother the day I got that first positive pregnancy test.
I’ll be thinking of all of you today. Those of you who’ve never been pregnant yet but are still trying. Those of you who want to be pregnant, but don’t have the means right now. Those of you who’ve been pregnant for a short time, like me, but lost their babies too soon. Those of you whose babies were only on this earth for a short time. Those of you who are pregnant right now, scared and nervous and guilty (though you shouldn’t be). Those of you who have your rainbow babies, be they biological or adopted.
We are all mommies. Happy Mother’s Day to you all. ❤