Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings

Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!


Long Island, Father’s Day, Whoremones, and Monitoring Week

Where I am: CD8
Medications: none (finished Clomid last night)
Symptoms: whoremones, twinges/pulling in left ovary and maybe right?

First, the obvious: Clomid is over and done. Only two sleeps until my first (hopefully only?) monitoring appointment to see how my follies are coming along. Fingers and toes crossed black and blue that there’s a perfect amount for me to try this cycle. Continue reading

Letting Go

Where I am: CD11
Medications: none
Symptoms: nothing

I’ve decided to let this cycle go.

The risk of getting pregnant with three or more babies is too scary. With my RPL, it is too big of a risk. I may regret it, but I can’t…I can’t do it. I just can’t. I looked into selective reduction and I don’t think I could do it knowing it was my fault that I had to decide to do it anyway.

I am getting my hair cut and colored this weekend. This weekend is also when J and I will celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy both, guilt-free. Hair dye and maybe some alcohol and non-pregnancy-or-TTC-approved foods.

We need to get pre-approved for a mortgage. We need to get this house-hunting started. The months are ticking by.

I won’t sugarcoat it. This hit me hard. I didn’t expect to have a cancelled cycle so soon (or at all, I guess). And after the tech told me we’d be good to go…I thought it was fine…and then it wasn’t…

I’m feeling really negative, really resentful. It blows. I don’t want to feel like this. But fighting it will only make it worse in the end. I need to let myself feel it. So I can move past it.

So May won’t be my month.

Here’s to June, then.


P.S. Thank you everyone for responding yesterday. I really appreciated all of the encouragement. And I would have needed it, had I chosen to go ahead…I just did my own research, and made my decision. But I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you. ❤

Sorry, Infertility, You Can’t Have the Month of May Anymore

Where I am: CD10
Medications: none right now
Symptoms: “full”-feeling left ovary, “very full”-feeling right ovary

So my scan went well this morning. I don’t know the exact numbers (I’ll post them on my infertility timeline page once the nurse calls me later) of all of them, but the two most notable ones were 17mm and 14mm, I believe both on the right ovary. Once again, the right was super greedy and took most of the stimulation for itself (which I was expecting, since I only feel a slight twinge every now and again from the left, whereas the right is always feeling sore). There was one measurable one on the left.

This was such good, good news! On the one hand, I didn’t have a monstrous 30mm again! This confirms that, last cycle, it really was just an overly zealous follicle and not a cyst in my ovary. Also, it seems the Clomid was a little more spread out, at least with my right ovary (the little hog). I’ll have one definitely mature follicle and hopefully another, if that 14mm grows just a smidge more between now and whenever I ovulate.

Which, I am assuming will be sometime at the end of this week! The office hasn’t called me yet, and I’ll call them if I haven’t heard by 4:30PM, but the tech told me I’ll probably trigger tomorrow night to allow that 17mm just a little more time to mature.

That makes my beta day, if my calculations are correct, June 4th. So close, yet so far away.

I feel good about this cycle. The reason the BFN last cycle didn’t hit me too hard is because I really wasn’t expecting much because of that monster follie. It was probably too mature to be of any good, and I didn’t have any others that were really good…but I still had to trigger anyway to release the big one. I feel like I was a little gypped last cycle. This one, though…this one feels good.

And May is my month. Well, it’s our month. Mine and J’s. May is the month we started dating, May is the month we were married (we were wed the day before our six-year dating anniversary…cue the “awwww”s!). It’s my favorite month of the year—not too hot and not too cold, at least here in New England.

Last year, May was ruined for me. May includes the day I went to the ER with bleeding, the weeks I spent hoping the little sac in my tummy was going to grow no matter what the doctors told me, the day I had my first D&E and officially lost my first pregnancy. J came home on our wedding anniversary from a month-long training program in CA, and we spent the evening crying in each other’s arms.

On a day we should have been celebrating a year’s worth of marriage, we were mourning the loss of our baby-that-could-have-been. The month lost its luster and appeal and specialness.

Well not anymore.

I’m not saying May will be saved if I get my BFP from this month. Because there’s always that chance that I’ll get another BFN. No, I’m saying May is saved because I said so. Because in spite of that first loss, and in spite of whatever outcome this cycle has, I’m taking back this month from my infertility. This month is sacred to us…to me.

I want to rejuvenate this special time for me and J. If there is one month every year when we fill our hearts with happiness, this month should be it.

Having said that, I know this cycle can only benefit from the happy and good feelings and whatever positive juju this month can bring. I’m hoping my future sticky baby is nestled somewhere in one of my ovaries, ready to grow from a little egg to a little embryo to a little baby.

Come on, MAYbe baby…come on. I’m waiting for you. 🙂 ❤

Update as of 4:55PM: Cycle was cancelled—see following post.

All Systems Go, Round 2

Where I am: CD3
Medications: Clomid, Day 1 of 5
Symptoms: none

And on Cycle Day 3, we revved the engines and took off for another lap.

I had my baseline at 1:00-ish this afternoon. First, let me tell you: there is a world—a world—of difference between dealing with Mr Dildo Wand on CD2 and dealing with him on CD3. Last cycle, I went in on the former, and my God, I half expected all my girly innards to run for the hills…it was that painful.

Speaking of pain, allow me to tangent for one second because CRAMPS. It has been a while since I lost sleep over cramps. A while. Sunday night, I was up until 4:30AM, and then up every hour after that until my alarm went off three hours later, because of the pain. It was horrible. It took three doses of Tylenol spread throughout the day yesterday to get me through. Thankfully, they were more or less gone by this morning.

Okay, off the tangent. Back to my appointment. Today was CD3 and I was barely having any cramping, so the ultrasound wasn’t too painful. The tech was chattier than usual today, probably because she’s starting to get to know us. (Fun fact: With the exception of when I went to the hospital for my blighted ovum bleeding and when I went into the city for my NT scan last Christmas Eve, I’ve seen her every time I go in for an ultrasound. Every time. First time I saw her was a year ago this week for a follow-up ultrasound on my blighted ovum. She’s a sweetheart.) She asked if we were doing Clomid, and I said “Yes, again, because the first time didn’t work!” I let out a playful sigh at the end, and she laughed and then reassured us that hardly anyone ever conceived on the first try with Clomid and not to worry at all. She asked about school and work, and took her pictures and wrote her notes.

At the end, she said “Probably see you in a week then? You’re monitoring this cycle, right?” So I took that as a good sign (she wouldn’t say that if she thought something was abnormal, like that 30mm from last cycle that we’d hoped wasn’t a cyst).

J met me at the office for this appointment, which was sweet. With our first pregnancy, he was training in CA so he missed everything. Literally. Every ultrasound, every appointment, and even the D&E. So I think he tries extra hard to come to as many appointments as he can, even just for monitoring or baseline ultrasounds. He’s even tried to come with me for bloodwork but I told him that was a little overboard! Still…he’s sweet.

So we got Dunkin’ after the appointment and sat to talk for a few minutes (despite it being in the same city I work in, traffic both was was a bitch and the office made me wait 15 minutes for my appointment, so my lunch hour was eaten up pretty quickly). I then rushed back to work to wait for what I thought would be hours.

But at 2:30 they called me and told me we’re all set! I didn’t ask specifics because I was in my cubicle and have people around me (work is in the dark on all this, obviously), but I’m sure if there was anything notable to talk about, they would have. I start Clomid tonight and then have my first follie ultrasound next Tuesday the 20th.


I’m excited to try again. I’m feeling optimistic. I want to write more, but I’m busy at work and feeling crappy (allergies are in full force, my throat is killing me as a result and, thanks to TTC, I can’t take Zyrtec! *laughs in an annoyed fashion*). So I’ll be back later this week to write some more.

Also, sidenote: made an appointment for my hair to be done next Saturday. In January (or February?) I had purple streaks put in my hair. Since it’s naturally dark, my stylist had to bleach the streaks before putting the color in. Well, it’s been months, and now those streaks are not purple but instead a bleached-whiteish-greyish-blondish weird color! I have to wear my hair up every day because I look like a freak with it down. I’ve been putting it off for the last month or so because of TTC but I just can’t wait anymore. So I’m going for it.

Hopefully, since the appointment would be before any implantation or whatnot would occur, it’ll be fine.

If it won’t, please let me know.

But I think it will.

Belief over misery, I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back, back to how it was
I’ve got my heart set on what happens next
I’ve got my eyes wide, it’s not over yet
We are miracles, and we’re not alone…

– Switchfoot, This Is Home

All Systems Go; We Are Cleared For Clomid

Just got the call a little while ago…

As I just told my husband a second ago: “All systems go, baby! We are cleared for Clomid!”

We went in early this morning so I could have my baseline ultrasound. (And can I just say how positively unpleasant an ultrasound during your period is? It wasn’t my first, so I was prepared, but man oh man. Your innards are sensitive and swollen and sore enough as it is, and then they shove that wand up your hoo-hah and push and drag and prod it all over the damn place. For cryin’ out loud already!) I swear, I’m the most paranoid person that exists right now. The ultrasound technician was writing down notes, taking this picture and that picture and that picture and this picture, and then she asked about the hysteroscopy and if they had found any polyps and if they had been removed. I was freaking out in my head, wondering why she was asking about the surgery, petrified that maybe she’d found something and that the call later today was going to be, “Sorry! Instead of a baby you get another surgery and another month of torturous waiting!”

Alas, they’ve cleared me. Clomid from Wednesday through Sunday, with a follicular ultrasound next Wednesday morning before work.

I can’t believe this is really happening. I know it sucks to have to be on fertility medication at all, and I know that the Clomid isn’t a guarantee, and I know that getting pregnant isn’t even a guarantee until I hit 14 weeks, and I know that really honestly it’s not a guarantee until that baby is healthy and in my arms after nine long anxious months…

…but I still feel like it’s progress, for now. If you compare where I was roughly a year ago, being told I was having a miscarriage and not knowing why…even six months ago, yet another miscarriage with no answers. Even if there is still more to be fixed, more to be discovered, more methods to be exhausted, at least I don’t feel like I’m up shit creek without a paddle like I have the last year or so. And most importantly, I’ve got an amazing husband by my side. My amazing parents ready to support us any way they can. An amazing RE and a fantastic and understanding OB team at the doctor’s office working to make me the most Fertile Myrtle they possible can.

To quote the words my mother just texted me: “Here we go.”