Baby Steps Toward the Big Steps

Where I am: 10w2d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation


Yesterday was quite the big day, wouldn’t you agree?

Of course, the rest of the day, I kept having short sharp pains. Dull cramps, too. I have to keep reminding myself…I am still taking Crinone, and also the baby is growing (therefore so is my uterus). I have to keep reminding myself that…this has all been going on for the last few weeks. Nothing to be nervous about. Still no spotting. *knocks on wood* No serious pains that take my breath away. I’m good.

Yesterday, when I got home, I scanned all my ultrasound photos onto my MacBook. Then I spent the better half of a few hours creating a new page for this blog: a Lucky Bug Timeline, of sorts. This was a big step for me. Creating a page for this baby is a step toward accepting that this could go all the way. That I could really have a take-home baby early next spring.

Anyway, back to this new page…this timeline for LB. I really wanted someplace that people, new followers or old friends, could go to and get a quick look-see at how this whole pregnancy came to be. I linked to relevant posts for further reference. You see, the J+S=TTC page (formerly Our Story So Far) just didn’t seem to do the pregnancy enough justice. Besides, the very top of that page holds the last living photograph I received of Baby Bean. And while I don’t want LB’s progress to be overshadowed by that photograph, I also didn’t want to take it down.

Or, I’m just crazy and overly sentimental and way overthinking this whole blog concept. It’s possible. I’m a bit OCD sometimes.

Whatever. So, I got a new page. Check it out.

Back to the whole “big steps” thing I mentioned a few paragraphs ago. One of my apps (because I actually looked at them yesterday, post-appointment) is telling me to start a registry.

WHOA.

This is a major conflict of interest for me…because only a week and a half ago, my cousin was visiting me and I went on Target Baby and just started looking around and my fingers were just itching to start a registry! But I felt it was too soon. So I didn’t.

But I am trying to remember that jinxes aren’t real. Because…they aren’t. (Right? Right.) But seriously, I don’t know…is it too early? I honestly don’t feel sure.

I know I want to, although not knowing the baby’s sex may or may not impact what I choose. I can choose the basics, though. Diapers. Breast-feeding pump (is that appropriate to put on a registry? hmmm). Gender-neutral…things.

Ugh. I just know I want to start making this feel real, already.

Like maternity clothes. I’ve got a good little selection in a bag in my closet. Two pairs of jeans with belly bands that I bought weeks before my last miscarriage, and 5-6 tops my parents bought for me for Christmas (again…before the miscarriage). My cousin and I love to shop together and I daydream about maternity clothes shopping with her all the time.

So…lots of big steps I’m considering, with the key word there being the last. I guess I’ll be taking baby steps toward the big steps.

My husband comes home tonight. I can’t wait to show him the ultrasound photos. He’s seen the video, though…about a million times. I was in tears last night talking about it with him. To hear him so excited, and that he knew it would be okay, and that he loves me so much. That last one, I hear it all the time. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. That’s just how we are with each other. Always saying it. But when he was saying it last night…and knowing that when he said  “I love you” that he meant “I love you, my wife pregnant with our little baby,” it just filled me with a new kind of giddy. Similar to how I felt when he first told me he loved me…but different, still.

I think I’m actually starting to let myself hope. I’m slowly letting my guard down, slowly opening my heart to the possibility of having a baby. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

You know, other than crying. 🙂

One more thing before I go (this post is a fucking mess, I’m sorry): I looked into our insurance, and they will only cover the MaterniT21 test for a woman under 35 if she either has trisomy in the family or she had an abnormal result from another test (e.g. an NT scan). With that said, my husband and I decided we weren’t willing to pay out of pocket for it unless it was necessary (although being able to learn the sex sooner was appealing, but we can wait another 8 weeks for that). So, I booked the NT scan yesterday afternoon.

Monday, August 25th = NT scan (at 11w5d).
Friday, August 29th = Doppler check with CNM (at 12w2d).

Big freakin’ week.

Fair warning: the melancholy will probably come full force right before that NT scan. You all know my history, you know why I’ll be shitting my pants with terror. But the good thing is that it’s only 10 days away. Barely over a week. Nothing like last pregnancy’s four-week wait of doom.

Okay. I got all my thoughts out. I feel better. Sorry for the word-vomit, I didn’t mean to dump this all in one discombobulated post. Whoops.

August 14th, 2014: Documented As the Farthest I’ve Ever Been

Where I am: 10w1d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation


Oh…my…goodness.

Lucky Bug is totally hanging in there. Measuring between 10w1d and 10w2d, with a strong heartbeat of 178.

Today makes it official: this pregnancy, my third, is the farthest I have ever been.

Holy shitballs.

The day started off rough. I woke up early to a text from my dad saying my mom was not going to work today. Not giving me a ride to and from work. Not giving me a ride to and from my appointment. So I called him still half-asleep and told him I might as well not bother going in until after the appointment since it would be a waste of time for him. He told me he would drive me today, wherever I needed to go.

So I got up, and since I was up, I took a shower. I mosied around getting dressed. Put on my “Lucky Bug” jewelry for good luck, and tucked the little mascot in my pocket. I had a glass of orange juice and an ice cream sandwich (don’t judge). I then began to chug water because, at 10w, the chances of her doing an abdominal were higher than not. My father came to get me and off we went.

I cycled between going numb and panicking. They took us late, which is unusual. I spent the better part of fifteen minutes in the waiting room, feet and hands shaking, anxiously keeping my Twitter friends updated on the status of my insanity. The same tech as always, Fran, took us in. I had a full bladder, and she intended to do an abdominal first, but she wanted my bladder empty just in case. I told her how nervous I was, and she knew to check immediately to make sure LB was okay in there. It took maybe three seconds from the moment she turned on the monitor before she said “It’s okay. It’s okay.” And I let out a deep breath as she checked my ovaries and conducted her measurements.

My dad was in the chair beside me, and I could hear him laughing and when Fran asked if he saw this, and saw that, he would say yes, and I could hear the emotion in his voice. I couldn’t look. I knew he was crying. I knew if I looked, I’d cry more. My eyes were glued to the screen anyway while I watched little LB wriggle around.

The baby was active. Pumping his or her little fists and legs all over the place. I asked Fran if I could take some quick video for J, because he was away, and she said even though it was against the rules…she would allow it just this once. I love her.

Once she had taken all her measurements and confirmed LB was measuring right on time, and the heartbeat was strong as ever, she told me to video quick as she got a perfect view and the baby was moving. I turned on my iPhone camera and almost instantly, like the baby knew, s/he started waving. Once again, I was crying. Silently…not sobbing. Little tears. But tears nonetheless. I got about 30secs of good movement and waving and then turned it off, telling Fran I was good, just grateful for the chance to video at all.

I didn’t need a transvaginal…she got everything she needed from the outside. She congratulated me, and then almost impulsively hugged me tight, and told me everything was looking really good. And then I was done!

I waited another 20mins to see the RE, for all of maybe three minutes. He went over what I had discussed with the endocrinologist (forgot to tell you guys about that, more on it later) and told me that not only does everything look great, but since I’ve passed the point of my last miscarriage, the chances of this pregnancy proceeding look better than ever. He shook my hand, wished me luck, and told me he looks forward to seeing me around the office sporting a nice healthy bump in the coming months.

While we waited, I texted J and sent him the video. He didn’t respond for a while (probably busy), but when he did, he just couldn’t stop saying he loved me. I asked if he watched the video, if he was happy, if he saw the baby waving for him, and he just said yes and so happy and he loved me so much. I can’t wait to talk to him tonight. I’m so glad he was at least able to see what I saw today.

So, my dearest friends, my companions, my supporters, that’s that. I am 10w today. I am 1/4th of the way through this pregnancy. My chances get better every day. LB is hanging on, s/he is certainly a fighter. I am in awe. I am so in love. I am still so terrified, and I’m sure the anxiety will continue to rise exponentially before every appointment…but for now, I’m blissfully happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time.

Shut Up, Stupid Pregnancy Apps

Where I am: 9w7d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation


Today, most of my pregnancy apps (I honestly have too many—there isn’t just one that I like entirely) were sending me push notifications announcing the start of my tenth week (some apps/docs would consider 9w7d as 10w0d…so confusing). “Congratulations, you’re ten weeks! Check in to see what baby is up to now and how big s/he is!”

Um, no thanks. I don’t want to know.

O_o

Okay, I know that sounds harsh. And maybe a bit terrible. But I can’t help it. The absolute worst thing about not knowing Baby Bean was gone the last four weeks I was pregnant was that the entire time, I was reading my baby books and reading my BabyBump app daily tips and weekly info like the baby was still growing. I was learning all the things a baby would be doing, and look like, at 10…11…12 weeks.

Only, s/he wasn’t. Bean measured 9w at our NT scan at a little over 12w. All of those things I was imagining weren’t real. They were in my head.

(‘Scuse me one moment… fuck you, RPL PTSD. Fuck you. Okay, I’m back.)

So…tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will look. If I can, if it makes sense for me to look.

Which…if I was being optimistic, I would say, it will make sense. And I’m trying to be optimistic.

I am.

It’s just…hard.

This is uncharted territory. A good ultrasound tomorrow would officially document the farthest I’ve ever been with a pregnancy. I mean…10w just doesn’t seem real right now. I keep closing my eyes and trying to remember the sound of the little Bug’s heart beating on that Doppler only a week ago. A heartbeat, right on the cusp of the Red Zone. Right around the time it all went wrong last time. I try to imagine that sound, inside my tummy, when I can. Visualize the baby getting bigger.

But it’s harder than it looks. It really, really is. As I sit here typing this, my hands are shaking and my heart is racing. My husband just started texting me for the first time today (we’ve both been quite busy) and I told him how nervous I am and he said, “It is going to be all good.” I so hope he is right. I wish he would be by my side tomorrow. Good or bad. Good because I want him to see in person how Lucky Bug has grown, and bad because I need him there.

My mom will be there, but it won’t be the same.

It’s funny…I haven’t been sleeping well the last week or so. I toss and turn a lot. It could be the pregnancy…it could be something else. I was talking with my mom about it today, about how I was up late…and then slept restlessly…and she asked me if there was something wrong or something bothering me. I was quick to say no, but I remembered tomorrow and told her I was just nervous about tomorrow. Preparing for the worst.

She told me not to think like that. I sighed.

It could be everything else, too. The lack of two cars. The rehabilitation I still have pending on my leg. The absolutely-final-can’t-turn-back-now deadline on our lease just tick, tick, ticking away. The lack of a house. The school year starting in less than four weeks. My new job, starting in less than three weeks. This pregnancy. Everything.

No wonder I’m not sleeping. I’m losing my damn mind.

I almost cried today in my cube, randomly, out of the blue, for no reason. I just got anxious and got that, “What if it is all over tomorrow?” terror squeezing the life out of me, and I almost lost it. Earlier this week, I tweeted something along the lines of, “Sometimes I can’t breathe because I think, if this all ends, I don’t know if I’ll come back from it this time.”

I truly feel that way sometimes. I feel so close to this baby now that I can’t imagine going back. I feel like I’m walking on thin ice. I feel like the further I go, out into the middle of the pond, the more likely it is that I’ll fall through. And I wonder if I’ll have the strength to pull myself out.

You’re in the middle of treatments, or in the middle of trying again, and you think you have the strength to get through. You tell yourself, “Even if I have another loss, I still need to try. I want a baby that badly, that I’ll keep trying.” But when you’re in it? When you’re pregnant, and every week that passes brings a new milestone that makes you feel that much more connected? You start to lose your fucking shit, man. You start to wonder if you really can take another loss. You start to wonder if after the last ten weeks, you can really say goodbye to another baby.

I don’t know if I can.

Shit. I feel like a terrible person writing this. It just dawned on me. If I go in there tomorrow and Lucky Bug is perfectly fine…I’ll feel terrible. I wish I could be positive. I’m scared my negativity will jinx me. Or affect the health of the pregnancy.

Why can’t I be more positive?

This has clearly been a stream-of-consciousness post. I hope you’re enjoying this little trip inside my brain. It’s a mess, ain’t it? Jesus.

Okay. About twelve hours to go. (I probably won’t sleep well.) My ultrasound is at 9:30AM (EST) with the follow-up and (hopefully) graduation appointment with my RE immediately afterwards.

I am going to go tomorrow wearing my lucky ladybug necklace and bringing my little mascot with me. I don’t care if it’s stupid. I can’t have my husband, so I’ll take what he gave me as good luck charms instead.

Tomorrow, I am hoping to see a nearly baby-like-looking baby in my tummy. I’m hoping to hear a strong heartbeat. I am going to take deep breaths, and stay calm, and focus on sending all the good vibes to this sweet little one that I can.

Please…please let my hopes be reality this time. Please. Please, please, please…

Heartbeats Are What Keep Me Breathing Now

Where I am: 9w1d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs (and rash), nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, hemorrhoids, constipation


Another post with the word “Heartbeat” in the title?

I think so. Because right now, that is all that matters to me.

My OB intake appointment was…for the lack of a better word, perfect. I saw the Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) that I saw with my last pregnancy, and she recognized me. She was happy to see me again, of course, since the last time we met was the follow-up for my second D&E. We went through the motions for screening…she offered the MaterniT21 test to me, which I need to call my insurance about and discuss with J (if it’s not covered, if we want to spend the $$ on it, etc). She asked about my symptoms, I ran through my list of questions with her (a few topics: hemorrhoids, boob rash, safe acne medication, getting calcium and Vitamin D supplements to help with my leg healing). My mom was there, helping me remember all the things I wanted to ask about.

And then we discussed my nether region. I had a Papsmear last pregnancy, so she said we could skip it for now. I have also had quite a few people up in there lately looking around, so she said she wouldn’t do a pelvic. She did not want me to start spotting and lose my shit over it. This was so kind of her. She said she would do a visual just to make sure everything looked okay. And then she asked me to undress so she could check me all over, so my mom hid behind the curtain while I undressed and then gathered her things as the CNM came back in and said she was going to wait for me in the waiting room to give me some privacy.

And the CNM looked at her and said, “Well I was going to try and listen for the heartbeat, so if you’d like me to do that first, you can stay for that?”

And I swear, my heartrate increased dramatically. I was excited. Nervous. Panicked. Anxious. All at once. I was afraid she wouldn’t find it. It’s so early! There was no way she’d find it!

But she did. It took maybe a minute, minute and a half, but she found it. Way low in my uterus. Lucky Bug’s heart is beating at 180bpm, which the CNM said was right on target. It was music to my ears. I know that’s corny, but it was. That’s the best I’ve got. It was muffled by static, and a little hard to hear, but I heard it. Fast, strong. So did my mom. She stayed behind the curtain but she was happy and saying “That’s my grandbaby,” and she was crying of course. I’m over here trying to hold it together and she’s blubbering like a whale. Sheesh.

I wish I had recorded it with my phone for my husband. That’s my only regret today.

The CNM was so understanding about my RPL, and told me if I’d like to come in every other week or every week to listen to the baby’s heartbeat in the office, I could. She said she wants to keep my anxiety minimal and is willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish that. So I have my ultrasound a week from today, and then I will see her again in two weeks for a Doppler and short visit. And then a week from that, I’ll meet my OB doctor and get to listen in again. After that, I can schedule quick little appointments every week or every other week to come in and just make sure Lucky Bug is okay.

They have also officially pushed up my due date to March 11th, 2015. This morning, I was 8w6d (a hard day, as that was the last day we knew Baby Bean was alive). But as of this afternoon, I am officially 9w1d. Got to do that little time-travel hop I was talking about sooner than I thought! So that is a relief.

I won’t lie, I was (and I guess, still kind of am) flying on cloud nine after hearing the heartbeat. My mom is of course talking about names, and that I’m going to be a mom, and she’s going to be a grandmother, and blah blah blah…and I can’t blame her, she doesn’t get it. I told her we weren’t out of the woods yet and she said she thought so. Of course she does. She doesn’t know what it’s like on the other side of all this. But that’s okay.

But anyway. Yes, happy. Excited. Relieved. But of course the fear is starting to creep in again. With every positive appointment, I get closer and closer to this baby. In a way, each appointment is amazing because the baby is doing well, but it’s devastating because it is that much move developed and I am that much more attached and it would just kill me to lose it the farther I get.

Such a shitty mindset.

Anyway. Focusing on the good. Yet another week has passed, and Lucky Bug is hanging in there. That is wonderful news. I can’t wait to see him or her on the ultrasound next week (10w1d). The farthest I’ve ever seen a baby get was almost 9w, so it is going to be insane to see one further developed than that.

(By the way, I’m sorry I haven’t been responding to all of your comments! I’ve had a lot of them recently, so I will be going back and responding to each probably later today or tomorrow. I’ve read them all though, and thank you in general for all your good thoughts and vibes and prayers. You’re all so sweet. ❤ )

The Ever-So-Fun RPL Struggle: Trying Not to Overthink Everything

Where I am: 8w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, friggin’ hemorrhoids, constipation, are you grossed out yet?


Goodness, I am trying. I really am. But shit, I am overthinking everything in the world.

Like the cramps I had this morning. No bleeding *knocks feverishly on wood* and the cramps aren’t even painful. But I feel it, and I check the calendar on my app to confirm how far along I am (where I am based on ovulation and how far along Lucky Bug is measuring are different so I occasionally forget or get confused), and terror floods like ice-water right through my heart. The impending doom that is associated with feeling like it’s all over smacks me in the face.

It sucks.

(Also, the cramps are/were probably growing pains. Duh. *sigh*)

With every scan, there’s momentary elation. Relief. Happiness. But it doesn’t take long for the dread and fear to creep back in. Honestly, I’m sick of it. But I guess I have to take it as it comes. RPL was the hand I was dealt. I hope this makes me a stronger person in the end. I hope it makes me a stronger mother.

Some things I forgot to mention last time I posted: Crinone and baby aspirin is over and done with as of August 31st. I’ll be 12w3d on September 1st (which hopefully means Bug will be measuring somewhere between there and 12w5d-ish). That’s something to be celebrated! When I think of the fact that I’m barely 9w, the second trimester seems so far away. But when I think of the fact that I’ll be 12w before the end of the month, it doesn’t seem so far. It actually seems alarmingly close.

I feel like with my first two pregnancies, the beginning weeks dragged. I was alone for the first one, and I insisted on waiting several weeks between the first ultrasound and when I actually had the D&E because I was afraid they could be wrong. So that would explain the drag there. And then, with Baby Bean, when I thought I was 8w along, I was actually only 6w along. And then I went four weeks between ultrasounds before the D&E. So I started out moving backwards, and then had so much wait time at the end there. I also wasn’t working, and was only going to school, so I had very little to distract me or help the days fly by.

But with this pregnancy…yeah, sure, the two-week wait time between scans has felt long. But overall, time is passing quickly. I have so much going on, from my leg to house-hunting every weekend to working every week, that the days in bulk seem to go by fast with little pockets of minute-by-minute or hour-by-hour drags here and there. And it excites me that Bug has been measuring ahead consistently since the first scan, so maybe eventually they will change how far along I am on paper and change my due date and I can “time travel” through a couple of days at some point.

Anyway…only 8 days until my scan. I’ll be 9w6d at that point, so hopefully Bug will be measuring consistently ahead a little bit at 10w1d. My husband will still be in training, so my mom will be taking me. I was just discussing it with one of my RPL friends and as I was telling her how panic- and fear-inducing this scan is going to be, I suddenly felt this urge to call my husband and beg him to get permission from his commander to take the morning off to be with me. The thought of facing another loss without him beside me, without him to hold me, is almost more than I can bear. I love my mom, but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I need him.

But I can’t do that. He already has days to make up before the end of the fiscal year, which is fast-approaching, due to the weekend after the accident and the day he took off for the last scan. His promotion is fresh, and I don’t want him constantly leaving duty because of me. So instead, I’m going to try to be strong, and I won’t let him know how absolutely dead-petrified I am, and I’m going to think positive.

Thinking positive means the only sadness that day will be that his second-hand viewing of the ultrasound will have to suffice. (I’m going to have my mom videotape it on my phone.)

OB intake appointment is tomorrow. I’ll post an update in the afternoon to let you know how that goes. I had a Papsmear with my last pregnancy sometime in November, so I wonder if she will do another. I did have bacterial vaginosis at my last one (fancy word for “too much bad bacteria in your vajayjay”) so I feel like at least a pelvic is in order, and probably a swab. I’ve also been subtle about it by only putting it under the symptoms part of these posts, but I’m also having another issue “down there” that she will probably want to investigate, just to make sure it isn’t out of control. I’m just dreading the smear because there’s a potential for spotting.

I don’t care if she warns me ahead of time. I’ve had spotting before between 5-8w with both miscarriages. I haven’t had it yet with this pregnancy and I’m nearly 9w. I will flip a lid if I start spotting, “normal and expected” or not. Ugh.

I have a public post coming up that I’m working on, but I doubt I’ll have another one tomorrow. So I will plan for the public post to have links to this and tomorrow’s post-intake protected post. So check back on the public post tomorrow for the new link. It will be added in there once the new post is up and running.

And that’s all, folks. I’m glad I’ve been blogging a little more consistently. I find it’s the hardest to do so right before a scan, as the nerves and anxiety and melancholy get the best of me and I don’t have the focus or energy to write. So fear not if, next week, I get quiet. I’ll just be withdrawing again, fearful of bad news and just trying to will the days to fly by so I can get to scan day.

Steady, Freddy…

Where I am: 6w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired almost all the time, boobs sore all the time (feel best in a bra, grumble grumble), nausea, digestive issues, food (and smell) aversions…


I’m sorry it’s been a while. You’ll read what J and I have been up to in the unprotected post.

I’m closing in on 7w already. The symptoms keep me somewhat grounded, but for the most part I am just constantly trying to keep myself calm and distracted. I am slowly creeping up on what I’m dubbing the “Red Zone” (8-12w), which is probably where I will be the most high-strung and psychotic about this pregnancy. Sure, I’ll probably worry all the time, because RPL just does that to you, but I’ve never made it past 9w. And, as you all know, I walked around thinking I had a growing baby in my tummy for nearly a month, only to find out at my NT scan that Baby Bean had passed only days (maybe hours) after my 8w6d scan. Right now…like my good friend ACalmPersistence is, I’m in low gear. Cruising along nice and slow. Just sputtering along, keeping the gears running but not too fast. I think I’m officially in the single digits of days until my 8w ultrasound.

The symptoms are in full-ish swing. My stomach feels crappy pretty much all day, every day. Bowel movements are a joke. I also sometimes get no warning as to when they would like to make an appearance. So that’s fun.

I am pretty sure I wake up at least once every night to pee. The record so far was the other night…it was four or five. Definitely the forerunner for most times in one night.

I know this has zero to do with not having room (because Bug is not taking up any of my breathing space) but I am constantly needing to take deep breaths. Or yawn, to get enough oxygen. I’ve heard this is because of increased blood volume? I take that as a good sign, as well. I’m also exhausted all the time, so…also a reason for the excessive yawning.

I swear, I intend to blog nearly every day, and never get around to doing so. I’m guessing it’s because I’m tired. Because there’s nothing really to blog about, except symptoms. My fear. My intense desire to be in the second trimester already so I can feel the slightest bit of relief.

There is something I do want to talk about. My next appointment…my ultrasound. It’s being done in one of the facilities in Boston, because my RE only works where I live a few days a week for a few hours at a time. He mostly works in Boston, and does a lot of IVF procedures and OB surgeries in other facilities and hospitals around the city (he’s a busy man!), and unless I wanted to wait another week, I had to go my practice’s Boston location.

Which is where I had my last ultrasound on Christmas Eve. The day I found out Baby Bean was gone.

It doesn’t panic me…yet. I know that when we head in on that Friday morning, though, I’ll be freaking out. The good thing is, because of my leg, we’ll be driving and not riding in on the train. Hopefully that makes a difference to my anxiety level. But still…same facility. A week’s worth of time shy of when my last baby’s heart stopped beating. I think it’s safe to say I might suffer some extreme PTSD. But I am going to hope the deepest of hopes that there is a good outcome.

I still feel like this pregnancy isn’t really real yet. I’m still ever waiting for that other shoe to drop. I feel like I am reading a bad book, and I know how it’s going to end, but I keep reading anyway.

That was morbid. And sad. And more depressed-sounding than I intended. I don’t know, I guess this is how I’ll feel for a while. It does suck, to not be able to fully enjoy everything. As much as I feel like we, J and I, are enjoying things. He calls me “pregnant wife” or mentions the baby at least once a day. I guess it’s kind of like a dream. It feels real, and I can be happy in the dream, but there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head like I know I’m dreaming and will inevitably wake up.

I guess that’s the same analogy of the book. Jesus, I’m just going to shut up about it now. I slept 10 hours last night, but I’m still tired. My brain doesn’t want to work. (I was also just on a conference call for two and a half hours. So…there’s that.)

I have more frustrations I’d like to blog about, also password-protected, that aren’t directly pregnancy-related, but that’s for another time when I can emotionally and physically handle actually writing it all out.

For now…I’ll leave you with this. Only 9 days until my next appointment.

YIKES.

Lucky Bug Has a Heartbeat

Where I am: 5w6d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: exhausted and sleep-deprived, boobs hurt, nausea and digestion problems, super-smelling nose (which means aversions)


My precious, little, singular Lucky Bug is measuring 6w1d. Heartbeat was 99bpm. Dr. O says this is normal.

I am…overwhelmed.

There are so many emotions and thoughts and worries and hopes going through my head. But mostly, I’m sleep-deprived and exhausted from literally being panicked from the second I woke up to the second the technician turned the screen toward me.

Of course I’d love to write more. Of course. But the above reasons, plus the fact that I am at work and on an even shorter time schedule (appointment ran late, and my mom is sick so J is picking me up before he leaves for work at 3:00), I cannot. I just wanted to get on here and share the news with you guys, because I didn’t want you to be biting your nails off with worry.

We have a long road ahead. I’m so nervous. But so grateful that, today, Bug had a heartbeat. I saw it flickering. Bug is alive. ❤

Hanging In There

Where I am: 25dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: fatigue hits between 5:00-7:00PM every day like clockwork, boobs hurt like crazy, dull cramping on and off almost every day, not exactly nauseous but my stomach is not digesting well…oh I can also smell everything!


Sorry it’s taken me so long to update. It’s been nothing but craziness lately, as you will read from my unprotected post. Not to mention, despite the big wave hitting at that designated time every evening, I’m basically tired 24/7.

I think I am still majorly in denial. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed. I have exactly two sleeps until my first ultrasound, and part of me feels like it’s going to be good news, and part of me is filled with dread like it knows it’ll be bad news.

I’m terrified.

Thankfully, my sore-as-hell boobs that ache when I take my bra off at the end of the day reassure me. So does my defunct digestive system. Just before I sat down to type this, I had to crutch like a madwoman to the bathroom because all of a sudden, my body was like, “Evacuation time!” I know that’s more than you need to know, but just deal with it.

The nausea is barely nausea. My only craving, so far, of something I didn’t like before is peaches. That’s just weird. Especially since the furry texture always turned me off to them. Huh.

I go through periods of being starving, and then being not hungry at all.

I’m tired all the time. I’m sleeping terribly because of the anxiety, and because of the pain in my leg. The pain is unbearable, and this pregnancy is preventing me from taking anything to help like a muscle relaxer. I’m not complaining about the pregnancy, I promise, I am complaining about the leg. Had it not been for the accident, I wouldn’t be in this intense pain that distracts me all day at work and keeps me up all night.

Well…I guess we can’t know that if the accident hadn’t happened, that I still would have gotten pregnant. We’ll never know because things went down the way they went down and that’s all there is to it. Right?

This is a shit entry, because I have nothing much to say, but I wanted to update you all.

Oh, I did want to tell you this: hubby and I are having a playful argument about this little thing’s nickname. You know, how our last was Baby Bean…I’ve seen Blob, Blobby, Peanut, and other nicknames thrown about on Twitter and WordPress. Well, back in December, after the second miscarriage, when I sealed the ultrasound photos in an envelope and wrote “Baby Bean” across the front, I told my husband I never wanted to refer to our next or any pregnancy as a bean. That nickname was for BB, and BB only. It’s sacred. So we decided the next one would be Lucky.

Well, now I started this whole #teamjunebug thing, and I’ve been referring to this one as Bug, but J wants it to be Lucky. So I told him, if there’s two in there, they can each have a nickname. If there’s one, then I guess we’ll have to duke it out for which nickname prevails. Cute, right? Disgustingly cute, and kind of obnoxious, but I wanted to share because it’s one of the few things that has made me feel like this pregnancy is real.

Oh yeah, and shoving Crinone up my vagina was all well and good for the 2ww, but having to do it for the entire first trimester is going to be a bitch. I am sore as hell in there! Welp!

Mostly, I’m nervous. I’m so scared. I’m so anxious. I wish it was Thursday at 8:30AM right now, and at the same time, I never want that moment to come. I want to live in limbo for as long as I can, because I can’t get hurt in limbo. Blissful ignorance.

Two sleeps. Less than 48 hours, now. And I’m hanging in there.

#teamjunebug

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P.S. Just for fun, if you feel like it, I’m taking bets on one or two (or three if you really want to piss me off, HAH!) babes in there. Throw your wager in the comments if you’d like. Of course, J and I don’t care how many there are. All we want is a perfect, little, heartbeat. ❤

Third Beta—WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Where I am: 20dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same


Screen Shot 2014-07-10 at 5.11.06 PM

HOLY SHIT.

There is at least one bug in my belly. If not two.

They called while I was still at work and, because I was going to ask about an ultrasound if the beta was good and also needed to ask about X-rays for my leg, I didn’t answer—zero privacy in my cubicle, and crutches don’t exactly make for quick getaways to the hallway/stairwell.

I listened to the voicemail and it was a nurse I didn’t recognize from a doctor’s office I didn’t recognize. They said my name in the beginning, but I didn’t let myself freak out when she said the beta was over 2,000. I thought, it could be the wrong person. Relax, and call back in a bit.

So my husband came by to pick me up, and I called back explaining my confusion. The nurse said the call was correct, and that the nurse who called me normally worked for the other doctor but was filling in for Dr. O today. I asked for the exact number.

2,717.

I’ve been scheduled for my first ultrasound which should be at or nearly 6 weeks (it’s tough because I ovulated early, so if you go by my LMP I am currently 4w4d…but if you go by ovulation, I’m closer to 5w). It is at 8:30 a week from today, next Thursday.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I am so excited and happy. And at the same time, I feel like I’m waiting for the fallout. This is so bipolar! It’s like being excited for a party you know is going to be cancelled. But I am trying to be optimistic. This pregnancy and the bug(s) have already defied the odds: the accident, the elevated thyroid, and so on. I’m so hoping I can continue to fight. I’m so hoping this is the one for me. I want nothing but good feelings for the bug(s) to help further the pregnancy. Positive thoughts, positive feelings. My pal bebepaulo over at Unicorns and Baby Dust said something wonderful recently that really resonated with me:

There is so much out there that can get us wrapped into a ball of anxiety. And I want nothing to do with it, no matter how hard the world tries. I think the stress of the betas floored me. And I just can’t. I’m done with that. Anyone with IF has learned they can’t control shit. Even with science on your side, you can’t control shit.

This baby will either grow and be born into arms that loved and fought for it long, long before it was born. Or it won’t. And there’s nothing I can do about it but love it at this very moment.

She said it perfectly. We have so much on our side, science and good doctors and good medicine and everything. But pregnancy is still a mystery. Even in 2014, even with all the technology and knowledge we have now, there are things in the world we still can’t figure out 100%. Pregnancy is one of them. Infertility and pregnancy, in particular.

I need to move forward knowing that I did what I could with the time I was given. I am taking the medications I need, I got the procedures done that were recommended to me, I have been diligent about blood tests and taking care of myself. Sure, ideally, I would’ve liked to have lost more weight than I did, but hey—I’m here now. I’m doing what I can. I’ve done what I can. Nothing left to do but continue to take care of myself, and think as positively as I can. No matter what happens from here, I know I was pregnant again. I know there’s a baby- or babies-to-be in my uterus right now, fighting for life. I love it or them already. And whether it is a singleton or twins, I don’t care. As long as whatever is in there is healthy and stays in there for the next 8 or so months.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in disbelief. I’m in awe. I’m in love.

Please stick, baby junebug(s). Please stay with me. ❤

#teamjunebug