First Beta, and Second Beta Forthcoming…

Where I am: 17dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also moody

zazzle-dot-com1So I am clinically pregnant. My first beta at 12dpo was 54—which, according to some Twitter friends, is apparently good.

I go in for a second this afternoon, results probably by morning. My RE’s office called ahead to make sure Quest has their fax number and knows to STAT it and get the results to them ASAP.

I’m not going to write much more except I am terrified. This just became real. I’ve been living in limbo for days now, feeling like I could come back from this side easily. But not anymore.

Not only was the beta good, but I peed (for the last time, since there is no longer a need) on sticks this morning. Dark positive on Wondfo. Visible positive on FRER. And a “Pregnant 2-3” on a CBD Weeks Estimator.

All signs point to this pregnancy being totally, 100% real.

Which means it could totally, 100% really come crashing down.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the next beta, which obviously will be—should be—way more than doubled since the last was 12dpo and this one is 17dpo.


It’s Just Funny At This Point

Where I am: CD25 (13dpo)—I am not doing pregnancy weeks and days yet because, honestly, I don’t know how the hell to calculate it since I O’d on CD11-13ish
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: peeing, tiredness, aversion to smells (although it could just be that the DC metro elevators smell just that bad)

So yesterday, I get my blood drawn at a Quest Diagnostics. I ask the lady when I’ll get the results, she says probably tomorrow. My RE’s office had asked me to call after I got it done, and I forgot, so that probably didn’t help matters.

The RE calls me early this afternoon while J and I are in the Holocaust Museum (where cell phones are NOT PERMITTED AT ALL) because my nurse is looking for the phone number for the place I went to (and also confirmation that I had the bloodwork done). I call back around 4:00 when we get out and I give the number to another nurse, who doesn’t seem to understand what the hell I’m talking about. I then call Quest myself; the lady tells me that they don’t have the goddamn results because they send the tests to Baltimore and everything is handled from there. She then tells me they should’ve been faxed to my doctor’s office. The first nurse calls back and says she keeps getting disconnected from the number she has for Quest. Since the second nurse didn’t give her the number, I give it to her. She calls me back a moment later and says there’s only a voicemail; Quest is closed for the holiday weekend.

And my results seem to have vanished into thin, fucking, air.

So I just spend out-of-pocket money for a test that will no longer be relevant by the time I get the results, which might be Monday if we can hunt down the people who have them.


No beta. No reassurance. No nothing. Until I get home, at least.

I may try and get tested again while in VA, but who knows. And who knows how helpful that’ll be.

And then don’t even get me started on the whole leg thing. J’s FMLA stuff is due Tuesday (the day before we get back) and my doctor’s office is saying they can’t complete the paperwork until they see me for the follow-up a week from Monday. And then of course, they don’t know about the pregnancy. So who knows if they can X-ray me. So…I mean…

I’m on vacation, for shit’s sake. Why can’t I relax?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for this pregnancy and I hope so hard that it sticks. But I need the rest of my life to cooperate. And right now, it’s not. In about a trillion different ways. Hormones aside, I’m freaking the hell out.


I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often

…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😦


Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings

Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!


Mother’s Day, Optimism and Pessimism, My “Big Fat Positives,” and the Actual BFNs

Where I am: CD23 [13dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional upset stomach, peeing all the time, exhausted really early…probably all progesterone symptoms…

Well, I’ve been testing daily since last Friday. Faint lines, lines that were so faint I thought I was imagining them, up until Saturday: BFN. Sunday: BFN. Monday: BFN.

Today: BF-frickin’-N.

Seeing a pattern here?

*throws hissy fit, cries in the corner, goes into a Hulk rage, calms down*

Obviously those lines were the remnants of the trigger. So I know to wait about 10-11 days to let that shit get out of my system.

But now? Nothing but negatives! I’m so…angry, and upset, and disappointed.

My beta is tomorrow morning before I head into work. Obviously, I’m expecting a negative. My Twitter friends have not failed to remind me, however, that it’s not over yet. So I’m not about to go stuff my face with feta cheese and tuna soaked in vodka, but I’m just preparing myself for the worst.

Which means, if it is a positive, I’ll be in for quite an amusing phone call. Will probably be wanting to sit down for it. Just in case I pass out from sheer surprise.

I’m always trying to be optimistic. I’ve tried to be throughout this first Clomid/Ovidrel cycle. I actually barely acknowledged the first half of the 2ww because I was so busy with school. But I’ve felt very pessimistic the last few days. Despite all these symptoms I have, I’ve just felt for sure it must be the buildup of progesterone. It has nothing to do with pregnancy. And I’m angry about it. I’m sad about it. But I’m trying to be optimistic about the future. I hope my RE says “let’s keep going” with another round of Clomid because there’s no stopping me. I want my goddamn baby already. If my body is ready, I’m ready.

Anyway, moving on, because like hell do I want to dwell on this probable epic failure (whoops, there’s that pessimism rearing its ugly head). Mother’s Day is this weekend. I bought my mom her gifts early and gave them to her this past Saturday (the “Mom” and December birthstone Alex & Ani bracelets–I know, how original, but she loves jewelry and has never had A&A before and absolutely loved them). I think she’s expecting me next Sunday, but I don’t think I can do it. Last year I was so devastated that I went from expectant mother to not-expectant mother in a matter of one weekend, and then with my second pregnancy I was excited to celebrate this year’s being expectant once again. But I’m not. So…J and I might just go look at houses instead. Or stay home and spend time together.

Two awesome things did happen yesterday though, which I am calling my own version of BIG FAT POSITIVES.

First, I got my grades for the last semester: both A’s! Which means my 4.0GPA is still intact after one year of school. I can’t believe it! My attention on school has been anything but 100%…between working full-time and then dealing with the fallout from my second miscarriage, and dealing with the testing and procedures and surgeries. I’m pumped that I was able to keep up on my academics despite it all.

Second, Sunday’s bloodwork revealed that I ovulated! This is a super achievement because it reassured me that my body’s doing what it should. With the hyperprolactinemia, and all the suppression and stimulation and hormones and procedures and surgery, I was slightly concerned that my body was going to be too “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON” to function properly. But it seems the opposite is true.

Of course, whether or not it results in a pregnancy remains to be seen. But, baby steps.

This also makes me feel a little better about that infamous 30mm. I ovulated, and that pain in my right ovary seemed to dissipate overnight, so the chances of it being a very mature follicle and not a cyst are probably good…right? I hope so. Especially if tomorrow ends with THE BFN. I don’t want to go in for a baseline and see that little fricker still kicking around in there like a stupid cyst-y butthole.

Once again, this post is a little all over the place. I keep meaning to write entries on here and then I either get distracted or can’t muster the strength. I think I’m still rebooting from school. My personal blog has been growing weeds…I haven’t been on it in about a week and a half. Whoops.

It’s 3:00PM and I’m ready for a nap. I’m tired. All. The. Time! If it’s not pregnancy, it’s the progesterone, and if that’s the case, then let’s hurry up and bring AF around so I can go back to being hormone-crazy on Clomid and get my energy back. Whew.

(By the way, I put up a new page about all the drugs I take. In case anyone wanted to know.)

Totally Lost in a New Experience

Where I am: CD13 [3dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily (started this morning)
Symptoms: stomach is on-and-off weird, achy feeling in ovaries just started to let up this morning

So here I am, officially in the 2ww.

I’ll be honest, yesterday I was seriously doubting this cycle. My ovaries had been achy for days and I was starting to become paranoid in thinking that 30mm was actually a cyst and that’s why my right ovary was still so sore—because it was still in there! Plus, I’m paranoid that I somehow f**ked up the trigger and that maybe I’m not ovulating…

…see, ladies, I’ve never done this whole, like…I don’t know, “tracking” thing. I never did basal temps, or investigated my cervical goo, or…any of that. J and I just tried. We just didn’t use protection and I kind of tried to have us baby dance around when my period app told me I’d be ovulating, and it just happened. Twice. It would be annoyingly awesome if not for the fact that I miscarried both times.

Hoping this means I didn't f**k it up! :D

Hoping this means I didn’t f**k it up! 😀

So in short, I don’t know what ovulation pains are like. I’ve never paid attention to any of this. So now I find myself in the weird position of thinking “I know I should be ovulating because I triggered” and genuinely not knowing if I am, because I don’t know how that feels.

It’s kind of aggravating.

Anyway, I digress. I took HPTs the morning after I triggered (10 hours later, to be precise) and this morning—see photo—and there was a visible line both times. I am taking this as a sign that I didn’t screw anything up, the HCG is in my system, and is hopefully triggering (or already triggered) ovulation. I woke up this morning and my ovaries felt significantly less achier than yesterday. In fact, my uterus now feels a little achy. Maybe there’s little eggies and spermies gettin’ busy in there, who knows. I can only hope.

But that’s about all I’m going to do, is hope. And test every other day until the line disappears and/or starts getting darker (and then I might test every day).

Sidenote: I also started my progesterone suppositories this morning. In my hoohah. Weird friggin’ feeling, right? Sheesh.

My final project for one of my classes in graduate school is due Wednesday. I’m not even halfway done with it yet. We have a make-up class from a snow day tonight, so I’ll be heading into Boston early to work on the project with the Adobe programs there at school and gathering a little plethora of questions to ask my professor when we use computer lab time to work on the projects and get feedback. Sunday through Tuesday is going to be rough as I pull together the rest of the pieces…and then class is Wednesday night.

SO! If you don’t see me here on WordPress for a while, don’t fear. I’ll be back once this semester is behind me. But honestly, I need to put infertility and the 2ww in the back of my mind so I can perfect this project and get an A in this class. Wish me luck! I’ll try to check in with you guys occasionally, but if not, baby dust to those of you trying this cycle and good thoughts and vibes to those of you awaiting second betas and/or ultrasounds!! ❤

** Edit: I originally posted “3dpt” up at the top of my post, which apparently means “days past transfer” not “days past trigger.” My sincere apologies for screwing that up. As I just said, I know nothing! 🙂 **