Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Where I am: 23w5d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: sore stomach ligaments/muscles, iffy sleep, peeing a lot, crazy appetite yet only able to eat half what I used to, constipation/upset stomach, congestion, hip/back pain, and heartburn has made an appearance…
Movement: every day


I’m in class, and I’m so tired that the only way I’ll stay awake is if I pretend to pay attention and instead write a blog entry.

So, here I am.

Viability this week…I can’t believe it. Of course, the anxiety is creeping back as I get closer to this milestone. There have been SO MANY BABIES born lately: two bloggers on here, both moms to twins, had early births, and two twitterers had preemies as well due to either pre-eclampsia or high blood pressure. All four were C-sections, I believe.

Anyway, my point is, I’ve seen a lot of photos of babies not quite full-term. Some less than 35w. They are scary small. I can’t imagine how a baby survives at less than 30w, forget about at 24w.

*shudders*

So that’s why baby boy is going to stay nice and comfortable in there and just relax. Hang tight. We’ve got, at bare minimum, another 10w to go. My orders. Got it, little one?

Today I’ve had a headache (since yesterday, actually—which leads me to believe it is the weather, but…) and lightheadedness. A twitter pal suggested I go to the doc and get my BP checked…and I intended to go to a CVS or something and check it myself. But a debacle involving my debit card (read: pregnancy brain) made me late leaving work. And I was late to class as it is. So…yeah.

I think it’s sleep deprivation and/or dehydration. Hopefully after tonight I can get some rest.

Only four more weeks after this, of school. A lot to do in that short span of time…but I’ll get there. I will.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. I’ll monitor the headaches/dizziness and if it continues, I’ll go to the doc tomorrow or Wednesday. J and I talked today about how we have to start helping each other out by looking out for the other. Making sure neither of us is overdoing it. Because we both have. And then we are both worried about the other, and…it’s nonsense. So we had an intervention. Time to slow down. Take care of ourselves. Hopefully we stick to it.

I’ll be 24w on Thursday. Next big milestone, in my eyes is Christmas Day—the first day of my third trimester. Holy shitballs.

Just rested my arm on my belly and baby boy gave a BIG kick/punch. I think he wanted me to let you all know he’s good. He says hi. 🙂 ❤

Sorry, Y’all…Life’s Happening

Where I am: 17w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning), waking up at least 3-4x in the night to pee…


I’m 17w today.

Where has the time gone…

True story: I am so excited/anxious about the anatomy ultrasound (when we find out the sex, too!) which is two weeks from Monday that I forgot I have a CNM appointment tomorrow morning. HAH. My trusty countdown on my blog reminded me just a moment ago.

When did I get to the point when I don’t count down the hours to every appointment??

Probably when I got the Doppler. Ahhhh, Dopplers are the best. Sure, they don’t tell me if LB is growing or not genetically abnormal or basically really anything…but it reassures me she’s still alive in there. That’s all I need. I almost don’t remember what it was like living appointment to appointment just to find out if I was still pregnant with a living baby.

Speaking of the Doppler, that once-every-five-days rule isn’t working out for me so well. The round ligament pain is just soooooo intense sometimes, the anxiety gets to me, and I’m already stressed to the max with everything non-baby-related that it sincerely worries me to have my heart racing in fear all the time. But I am not using it every day, and whenever I use it, I shut it off less than a minute after hearing the heartbeat. While I’d love to sit there and listen for hooouuuurrrssss, I don’t want to harm or irritate LB. Plus, she’s so easy to find! I swear, she hasn’t moved from my lower right side since about 13w. I find it within a minute, and I shut it off within a minute from there. I get my reassurance that all is well. That heart is still beating. And that’s good enough for me.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. RLP is a bitch, the hip and back pain doesn’t seem to be consistently getting worse as I thought it was, but it flares up something awful every few days. Getting out of bed to pee is basically torture. I hope this is a sign LB is growing at an appropriate rate and my poor pelvis and everything else in my abdomen is just protesting to having to share the space. 😉

I’m definitely showing. 100%. Hiding at work is getting miserable. I’m wearing non-work-appropriate clothing (i.e. sweatshirts) to try and hide it but…such futile efforts. My boss still doesn’t know but that has more to do with being busy as shit than anything else.

Still haven’t announced. In fact, I’ve barely worked on it! Haven’t had the time! My cousin and I are hanging out this weekend and I think she’s going to help me put it together. I’m telling her family on Saturday (my aunt and uncle and my other two cousins) and that’s a big step because my aunt is going to become obsessed with it and maaayyyy say a stupid thing or two. But, I’m hoping she won’t.

So my goals for this weekend/next week are to get the announcement put together and get it out there. I’ll probably announce on Facebook/Instagram/etc the week after that. Maybe sooner, depending how I feel. The bottom line is, it’s time to get this little bug’s existence known. I’m probably going to have the biggest panic attack after hitting send on this email to the rest of my family, but…I’m almost halfway through my 5th month. It’s time. And I can check in on LB whenever I want, and soon enough I’ll be feeling kicks that’ll make me feel even better about things.

Also, apparently, October is “Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month” (I’ve seen a lot on October 15th specifically, so, I’ll be lighting a candle for my lost babies on that day particularly). I think it’s fitting that LB will become known to the general public this month, and that I’ll be coming out about the last two years.

Oh gosh, there’s so much I need to say in this post and I’m afraid I’ll forget.

Okay, first, since I just mentioned it: my announcement. I know some people who’ve announced/come out at the same time and didn’t want to spend too much time discussing their losses at the same time because this time is their rainbow baby’s time. While I really want it to be all about LB and celebrating that life that’ll be arriving in less than five months (WHAT?!), I also feel like…like this. LB is going to be celebrated every day for the rest of her life. By me, by J, by our families, by friends. Meanwhile, my two lost babies haven’t had any acknowledgement from anyone but the two of us and a smattering of people. And even then, those people don’t talk about my losses anymore, because it’s easier to talk about LB, and because “now I have LB, now this pregnancy is going well.” I mean, shit, BB had a heartbeat and was moving around inside me and had arms and legs and a cute little head. My little bean-shaped baby. And no recognition whatsoever. It makes me sad.

So, yes, I think my announcement will be about 50/50. I think I want to spend time reflecting and letting friends and family know that, yes, there were two before. They are just as important to me as LB. I will always treasure them. And their short lives should be known, and celebrated. Just like LB. Just because they were taken from me before they could see this world doesn’t mean they matter less than LB does.

So yeah. That’s what my announcement will be like. A celebration and an acknowledgement of all my babies.

The other thing I definitely wanted to talk about was, and I wasn’t even going to say anything on here, but I will, I think I might’ve felt movement. Not kicks, but like…a flutter. On my lower right side as I was falling asleep, last week. Not sure I’ve felt anything since. And I can’t even know if it was movement. But I think I felt something. Just a little hello from my sweet bug.

Let’s see…what else. I have such little time to update! Ugh! Stupid busy days at work.

I dunno. Announcement-making (and maybe sending) this weekend. Also more maternity clothes shopping (need comfy work-appropriate pants!) and maybe baby stuff shopping with my cousin? And maybe getting my nails done. And a shitload of homework, but that’s for the public post.

Okay. I think I’m done. I’ll try to come back soon. New blog still not launch-ready. Life is happening, people. Life is happening and I can’t keep up.

(By the way, many of you, on here and on Twitter, are either dealing with uneasy betas or grueling 2ww’s or difficult pregnancies. I’ve been reading and keeping up with all your stories. I’m sorry if I haven’t commented as much…but know I think of you all, daily. ❤ )

(And for those of you pregnant and moving right along (I’m talking to YOU, wtfovaries!), holy shit. Where has the time gone for YOU?! Craziness, I say. Craziness. 🙂 )

Big Update on the Bug

Where I am: 12w7d
Medications: just the basics!
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still a little bit of nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation, and *new* round ligament pain!


Sorry I haven’t checked in for a while! I assure you, Bug is fine. As far as I know (Friday’s OB MD appointment will reassure me of that).

Also, unless she’s lying to my face, brother’s girlfriend isn’t pregnant. PHEW!

So let me update you on a few things… Continue reading

My Stubborn Little Bug

Where I am: 11w5d
Medications: Crinone (single-digit countdown until the last day I take this)
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation


Lucky Bug is doing just fine.

Moving around, punching and kicking like crazy! Quite the active baby. Measuring right on time, with a heartbeat in the 160s (either 163 or 168, I forget). I think the NT was good, as the level was only .9mm (and Dr. Google says anything under 1.5mm or something is good). I had my blood taken as well, so we won’t know the results for a while. Pretty sure I have more blood taken at 14w. I forget.

I really wish I could write more, but I am SWAMPED with mortgage stuff. There is not enough time in the world to be pregnant, switching jobs, about to start school, and buying a house. Really, truly, there is not.

But I wanted to update you. LB is good. Hubby and I both watched it on the screen for 20mins. It was beautiful, wonderful, absolutely amazing. I’ll check in after my CNM appointment on Friday, as that is the day both hubby and I get to listen to the heartbeat! I’ll be 12w2d by then! What?!

😀

I Hope You Can Hear Me When I Say I Love You and Don’t Ever Leave

Where I am: 11w4d
Medications: Crinone (single-digit countdown until the last day I take this)
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation


I still have symptoms. I guess I still feel pregnant.

And yet, that doesn’t stop the paralyzing fear about tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about Christmas Eve. I know, it’s not the same. I know this pregnancy has progressed much, much better than my pregnancy with Baby Bean. I know that I’ve already surpassed where I was that time. Lucky Bug is a fighter. So strong, defying the odds. Come hell or high water, this little one has kept going.

But I cannot stop thinking about that day.

I think about that moment when the technician turns on the machine, and the picture shows up on that giant wall monitor. I’m scared of what I’ll see. I’m scared I won’t see an 11w5d fetus, but something smaller. Underdeveloped. Without a heartbeat. I’m scared of that deafening silence of the technician. I’m scared of the questions about my LMP, and the gestational age at the last scan. I’m scared of the dreaded “I need to consult with a doctor, I’ll be right back” line. I’m scared of the moment one of them reaches out their hand and touches mine, gently, to tell me my baby has died.

And I know…I really do, I know. I have to be positive. And I’m not saying that’s what I’m expecting. In fact, a small part of me is hoping—and expecting—to see a healthy LB in there. Based on how I’ve been feeling. But that’s the problem. I’ve found a part of myself has slipped into that sense of comfort, into that sense of maybe everything will be okay. It was so hard not to say anything to my brother and his girlfriend today at her graduation party. I asked my brother if he had any free time next weekend, and of course he gave me the runaround. They’re going away, he’s got to work, yadda yadda yadda. Completely unaware of how desperate I am to sit them down and tell them of the last nearly two years. Of the heartbreak we’ve been through, the struggle. And of the good, of our little LB.

This is what terrifies me. How desperate I feel in wanting to make this real. In wanting to make this different.

I got a gift certificate from The Paper Store for my birthday, and since we’re on a money crunch, I used it to buy a card and a gift for my brother’s girl (and some other things). I made it to the checkout and commented to J that it kind of stunk that I was using my birthday gift certificate on someone else and not even anything for me! He told me to go pick something out…so I picked out a onesie. Green, with the Red Sox logo on it. Similar to the jersey I got for myself for the infamous Saint Patty’s Day/birthday party where I found out about my friend’s close-to-mine pregnancy. LB is due March 11th, which means s/he could be around for that holiday. If s/he is, I’ll be dressing him or her in that onesie.

And what a difference a year will make.

So if you came into this post thinking I was filled with dread…you’re wrong. I’m filled with hope. Which is possibly more terrifying than dread. Because I am going to lose that much more of myself if tomorrow goes poorly.

I’m going to try my best to sleep tonight. I unfortunately need to wake up early so I can work from home a few hours, as my appointment is at 10:00AM. There’s no point in waking J to drive me to work for 2 hours, just to pick me up and bring me to my appointment, just to drive me back to work, and then pick me up another four hours later. So I am hoping to keep busy with work, as I have things I need to get done.

So I leave you with this: my sweet little Bug, I hope you can hear me in there. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how badly I don’t want you to leave me. I hope you’re safe and thriving in there. We can’t wait for you to be with us, but we can wait. I want you to know that. We can wait another six months for you. We’ve waited this long for you already. So you stay in there as long as you need, and we’ll be here. I love you. Don’t leave me.

Afraid to Say It, But Could Things Be Turning Around?

Okay, so…honestly, I meant to write a much longer post. But of course, I had a doctor’s appointment after work, and I came home to relax, and now my husband is home (for good this time!) and I want to spend time with him. Celebrating my 27th birthday.

And celebrating the fact that the owners of our dream house…accepted our (second) offer.

Yes, you read that right. The house I just spoke of Monday…the house whose owners rejected our offer because it was too low. The house I didn’t think we would get, and I was devastated.

Well, if everything goes accordingly, that house will be ours on October 17th.

Explanation to come later! Just wanted to share this with you because…well, I mean, it’s kind of obvious, right?!

😀

“Tell me how’s the way to be, tell me how’s the way to go, tell me all that I should know.”

Where I am: 10w7d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation, occasional dizziness, dull cramps and sharp twangs


The birthday cake I baked for myself last night. :P

The birthday cake I baked for myself last night. 😛

This morning, as of 4:12AM, I turned 27…and I feel old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know, 27 is young. And when I move on to tell you that I intended to be a mother before I turned 27, many of you (older than me) may tell me that I’m still young. I still have time. And that may be true. And I may not understand what it’s like to be 30, 35, 37, and still not have any living babies.

But I had a plan. When I was growing up, it was to have my first baby at 21 (like my mother). When I grew up and realized I might want to have a career, the age changed to 23-25. When my husband and I got engaged, it changed to 25ish (after our marriage). In May 2012, at age 24, I got married. I turned 25 that year. The following January, we started TTC.

I thought I’d have a baby before 26. Then, before 27.

Well, 27 is here. I’m still not a mother…not in the way I intended. And yeah, I may be pregnant now, but I”m 5 days shy of my NT scan. And still a few weeks shy of the second trimester. I’m hardly home free, yet.

There’s just something about RPL/IF that changes the way you see birthdays. Instead of celebrating, it’s “Oh great. Another failed year. Still not a mom.” It just sucks.

What my messy, albeit decorated, cube looked like when I came in this morning.

What my messy, albeit decorated, cube looked like when I came in this morning.

And don’t get me wrong…I’m not lamenting this day. I baked myself a cake yesterday (hubby doesn’t come home until tonight) and my coworkers have made me feel quite good about myself. I have a Thai lunch date with my mom and my “work mom” this afternoon, so that’ll be nice. And who knows what surprises my husband will have when he gets home. Hopefully nothing extravagant (honestly) since we are in a money crunch right now.

I’m honestly having a good day. I’m just anxious. About a lot of things. I hope I get to celebrate my next birthday with a cute little bouncing 5-month-old.

In other news…like I said, 5 days and counting until the NT scan. I’ve been having dull cramps and short sharp (not too painful) pains now and again. My boobs still hurt. I still have nausea. I’m still constipated. I’m still tired all the time, and sleeping horribly, and waking up at least once in the night to pee. So as far as feeling pregnant goes, I feel pregnant. The pains down there just worry me. But I know growing pains are normal. My uterus is (should be) growing along with baby…and at the 11th week, it starts popping out of the pelvis, right? I don’t know when round ligament pain happens. But maybe it could be that.

All I know is I feel more pregnant at roughly 11w than I did with my last pregnancy. Could be because I am following it more closely…but I don’t think it is all in my head. At the very least, my body is still acting like it’s pregnant. I hope Lucky Bug is growing and thriving in there.

There Are Good People in this World

You see, early last winter, I decided I wanted to start a personal blog. Freshly started in graduate school and navigating my second year of marriage and my second pregnancy, I looked forward to the second trimester after Christmas and planned to blog about embarking on my crazy “adult” adventures. I had my second miscarriage before the end of the year, but despite that, I still went live with my blog on January 1st. I befriended random people, people with writing or publishing connections…on occasion, though, I would type “miscarriage” into the topic search bar and look for other bloggers out there who had been through what I’d been through.

And that’s how I met ACalmPersistence.

I followed her blog for a while, super paranoid that I would somehow be “found out” by any family or friends following my blog if I commented personally on her entries, so I tried to be as generic as I could while reading her struggles with medicated cycles and cysts. Finally, though, I decided I wanted to reach out. Desperate for a connection with someone, anyone, that wasn’t a friend that felt bad for me but didn’t understand a bit of the pain I was feeling. It’s funny to think that about six months ago, I was nervous about reaching out to someone about this…knowing what I know now of the RPL/IF community. About how desperate we all are to find that particular empathy that is difficult to find anywhere else. I reread the email over and over and over, wondering if she’d be mad at me for contacting her, wondering if it was inconsiderate of me to mention my own losses as if by comparison, wondering if she would even want to talk about it with me. A complete stranger. An “internet person.”

I was wrong.

What followed was a good string of at least five, if not a few more emails back and forth. I was just starting to navigate my way through the world of RE’s and infertility testing and procedures, and I was terrified and missing my babies. She was in the midst of it and was more than willing to offer advice, and to share her experiences, and just be a generally nice person to me. It was a relief. It was she and another blogger that I became friends with for different reasons (who then suffered her first miscarriage shortly after I started following her) that most likely led to the creation of this blog. I realized that there were others out there like me, suffering in silence and bearing a pain we can’t see or touch. I realized there was a place for me.

And these months, following my second miscarriage and during the seemingly never-ending four months of testing and procedures, held the darkest days I’d had in a while. I was struggling. And getting on Twitter and WordPress, even anonymously, honestly helped me heal. And it all started with her.

And Saturday afternoon, after a few hours looking at houses with my husband, we return home to find a package sitting on our doorstep. What waited for me inside brought me to very literal tears.

photo

“I believe in this for you!” ❤

A little light-up ladybug, a envelope marked “Dear Friend” with a card and heartfelt note written inside, and finally the piece that actually made me catch my breath: a little teething ring/rattle. The very first actual baby gift I’ve received in my life.

I was overwhelmed. I knew something might be coming for me eventually, as she’d obviously asked for my address several weeks earlier, but this…this…I was not expecting! I let out a yelp, as I was sitting on my bed resting when I opened the package, and my husband came in asking what was in it. When I showed him, he just smiled. I told him who it was from and he said, “She didn’t need to do this.” I couldn’t agree more.

But she did.

This, coming not even 24 hours after she announced on Twitter that she’d confirmed her fourth loss. My heart, although happy and thankful, was breaking for her. For someone to be going through her own struggles and yet still take the time to reach out to someone else and root for her the way she has for me…words can’t do my gratitude justice.

I’m sorry, this is an awfully mushy-gushy post. But I feel like I owe it to her. I owe it to her to let you all know how lucky you are to have someone like her as a friend in this community. She truly is a one of a kind person.

Baby Steps Toward the Big Steps

Where I am: 10w2d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, constipation


Yesterday was quite the big day, wouldn’t you agree?

Of course, the rest of the day, I kept having short sharp pains. Dull cramps, too. I have to keep reminding myself…I am still taking Crinone, and also the baby is growing (therefore so is my uterus). I have to keep reminding myself that…this has all been going on for the last few weeks. Nothing to be nervous about. Still no spotting. *knocks on wood* No serious pains that take my breath away. I’m good.

Yesterday, when I got home, I scanned all my ultrasound photos onto my MacBook. Then I spent the better half of a few hours creating a new page for this blog: a Lucky Bug Timeline, of sorts. This was a big step for me. Creating a page for this baby is a step toward accepting that this could go all the way. That I could really have a take-home baby early next spring.

Anyway, back to this new page…this timeline for LB. I really wanted someplace that people, new followers or old friends, could go to and get a quick look-see at how this whole pregnancy came to be. I linked to relevant posts for further reference. You see, the J+S=TTC page (formerly Our Story So Far) just didn’t seem to do the pregnancy enough justice. Besides, the very top of that page holds the last living photograph I received of Baby Bean. And while I don’t want LB’s progress to be overshadowed by that photograph, I also didn’t want to take it down.

Or, I’m just crazy and overly sentimental and way overthinking this whole blog concept. It’s possible. I’m a bit OCD sometimes.

Whatever. So, I got a new page. Check it out.

Back to the whole “big steps” thing I mentioned a few paragraphs ago. One of my apps (because I actually looked at them yesterday, post-appointment) is telling me to start a registry.

WHOA.

This is a major conflict of interest for me…because only a week and a half ago, my cousin was visiting me and I went on Target Baby and just started looking around and my fingers were just itching to start a registry! But I felt it was too soon. So I didn’t.

But I am trying to remember that jinxes aren’t real. Because…they aren’t. (Right? Right.) But seriously, I don’t know…is it too early? I honestly don’t feel sure.

I know I want to, although not knowing the baby’s sex may or may not impact what I choose. I can choose the basics, though. Diapers. Breast-feeding pump (is that appropriate to put on a registry? hmmm). Gender-neutral…things.

Ugh. I just know I want to start making this feel real, already.

Like maternity clothes. I’ve got a good little selection in a bag in my closet. Two pairs of jeans with belly bands that I bought weeks before my last miscarriage, and 5-6 tops my parents bought for me for Christmas (again…before the miscarriage). My cousin and I love to shop together and I daydream about maternity clothes shopping with her all the time.

So…lots of big steps I’m considering, with the key word there being the last. I guess I’ll be taking baby steps toward the big steps.

My husband comes home tonight. I can’t wait to show him the ultrasound photos. He’s seen the video, though…about a million times. I was in tears last night talking about it with him. To hear him so excited, and that he knew it would be okay, and that he loves me so much. That last one, I hear it all the time. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day. That’s just how we are with each other. Always saying it. But when he was saying it last night…and knowing that when he said  “I love you” that he meant “I love you, my wife pregnant with our little baby,” it just filled me with a new kind of giddy. Similar to how I felt when he first told me he loved me…but different, still.

I think I’m actually starting to let myself hope. I’m slowly letting my guard down, slowly opening my heart to the possibility of having a baby. It’s overwhelming. I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

You know, other than crying. 🙂

One more thing before I go (this post is a fucking mess, I’m sorry): I looked into our insurance, and they will only cover the MaterniT21 test for a woman under 35 if she either has trisomy in the family or she had an abnormal result from another test (e.g. an NT scan). With that said, my husband and I decided we weren’t willing to pay out of pocket for it unless it was necessary (although being able to learn the sex sooner was appealing, but we can wait another 8 weeks for that). So, I booked the NT scan yesterday afternoon.

Monday, August 25th = NT scan (at 11w5d).
Friday, August 29th = Doppler check with CNM (at 12w2d).

Big freakin’ week.

Fair warning: the melancholy will probably come full force right before that NT scan. You all know my history, you know why I’ll be shitting my pants with terror. But the good thing is that it’s only 10 days away. Barely over a week. Nothing like last pregnancy’s four-week wait of doom.

Okay. I got all my thoughts out. I feel better. Sorry for the word-vomit, I didn’t mean to dump this all in one discombobulated post. Whoops.