Third Beta—WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Where I am: 20dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same


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HOLY SHIT.

There is at least one bug in my belly. If not two.

They called while I was still at work and, because I was going to ask about an ultrasound if the beta was good and also needed to ask about X-rays for my leg, I didn’t answer—zero privacy in my cubicle, and crutches don’t exactly make for quick getaways to the hallway/stairwell.

I listened to the voicemail and it was a nurse I didn’t recognize from a doctor’s office I didn’t recognize. They said my name in the beginning, but I didn’t let myself freak out when she said the beta was over 2,000. I thought, it could be the wrong person. Relax, and call back in a bit.

So my husband came by to pick me up, and I called back explaining my confusion. The nurse said the call was correct, and that the nurse who called me normally worked for the other doctor but was filling in for Dr. O today. I asked for the exact number.

2,717.

I’ve been scheduled for my first ultrasound which should be at or nearly 6 weeks (it’s tough because I ovulated early, so if you go by my LMP I am currently 4w4d…but if you go by ovulation, I’m closer to 5w). It is at 8:30 a week from today, next Thursday.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I am so excited and happy. And at the same time, I feel like I’m waiting for the fallout. This is so bipolar! It’s like being excited for a party you know is going to be cancelled. But I am trying to be optimistic. This pregnancy and the bug(s) have already defied the odds: the accident, the elevated thyroid, and so on. I’m so hoping I can continue to fight. I’m so hoping this is the one for me. I want nothing but good feelings for the bug(s) to help further the pregnancy. Positive thoughts, positive feelings. My pal bebepaulo over at Unicorns and Baby Dust said something wonderful recently that really resonated with me:

There is so much out there that can get us wrapped into a ball of anxiety. And I want nothing to do with it, no matter how hard the world tries. I think the stress of the betas floored me. And I just can’t. I’m done with that. Anyone with IF has learned they can’t control shit. Even with science on your side, you can’t control shit.

This baby will either grow and be born into arms that loved and fought for it long, long before it was born. Or it won’t. And there’s nothing I can do about it but love it at this very moment.

She said it perfectly. We have so much on our side, science and good doctors and good medicine and everything. But pregnancy is still a mystery. Even in 2014, even with all the technology and knowledge we have now, there are things in the world we still can’t figure out 100%. Pregnancy is one of them. Infertility and pregnancy, in particular.

I need to move forward knowing that I did what I could with the time I was given. I am taking the medications I need, I got the procedures done that were recommended to me, I have been diligent about blood tests and taking care of myself. Sure, ideally, I would’ve liked to have lost more weight than I did, but hey—I’m here now. I’m doing what I can. I’ve done what I can. Nothing left to do but continue to take care of myself, and think as positively as I can. No matter what happens from here, I know I was pregnant again. I know there’s a baby- or babies-to-be in my uterus right now, fighting for life. I love it or them already. And whether it is a singleton or twins, I don’t care. As long as whatever is in there is healthy and stays in there for the next 8 or so months.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in disbelief. I’m in awe. I’m in love.

Please stick, baby junebug(s). Please stay with me. ❤

#teamjunebug

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Second Beta, #pgpost, Password Protected Posts, and Holy Shit This Is Real

Where I am: 19dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also either reflux or heartburn, occasional nausea, and a confused stomach


 

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That’s right…my second beta came back at an astounding 881.

Now before you go crying multiples, remember that there was a five day difference there. So it was bound to be a large number. However, I do try to do the math in my head (read: on my phone), and if they double every 48 hours and it was 54 at 12dpo, then it should have been 108 at 14dpo…and then 216 at 16dpo? Is that right?

So yeah, 881 is still a high number. But tomorrow’s third and probably final (they test up until 1,000) beta will tell more. We are obviously looking for at least a 1,600. Continue reading

First Beta, and Second Beta Forthcoming…

Where I am: 17dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also moody


zazzle-dot-com1So I am clinically pregnant. My first beta at 12dpo was 54—which, according to some Twitter friends, is apparently good.

I go in for a second this afternoon, results probably by morning. My RE’s office called ahead to make sure Quest has their fax number and knows to STAT it and get the results to them ASAP.

I’m not going to write much more except I am terrified. This just became real. I’ve been living in limbo for days now, feeling like I could come back from this side easily. But not anymore.

Not only was the beta good, but I peed (for the last time, since there is no longer a need) on sticks this morning. Dark positive on Wondfo. Visible positive on FRER. And a “Pregnant 2-3” on a CBD Weeks Estimator.

All signs point to this pregnancy being totally, 100% real.

Which means it could totally, 100% really come crashing down.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the next beta, which obviously will be—should be—way more than doubled since the last was 12dpo and this one is 17dpo.

#teamjunebug

It’s Just Funny At This Point

Where I am: CD25 (13dpo)—I am not doing pregnancy weeks and days yet because, honestly, I don’t know how the hell to calculate it since I O’d on CD11-13ish
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: peeing, tiredness, aversion to smells (although it could just be that the DC metro elevators smell just that bad)


So yesterday, I get my blood drawn at a Quest Diagnostics. I ask the lady when I’ll get the results, she says probably tomorrow. My RE’s office had asked me to call after I got it done, and I forgot, so that probably didn’t help matters.

The RE calls me early this afternoon while J and I are in the Holocaust Museum (where cell phones are NOT PERMITTED AT ALL) because my nurse is looking for the phone number for the place I went to (and also confirmation that I had the bloodwork done). I call back around 4:00 when we get out and I give the number to another nurse, who doesn’t seem to understand what the hell I’m talking about. I then call Quest myself; the lady tells me that they don’t have the goddamn results because they send the tests to Baltimore and everything is handled from there. She then tells me they should’ve been faxed to my doctor’s office. The first nurse calls back and says she keeps getting disconnected from the number she has for Quest. Since the second nurse didn’t give her the number, I give it to her. She calls me back a moment later and says there’s only a voicemail; Quest is closed for the holiday weekend.

And my results seem to have vanished into thin, fucking, air.

So I just spend out-of-pocket money for a test that will no longer be relevant by the time I get the results, which might be Monday if we can hunt down the people who have them.

O_o

No beta. No reassurance. No nothing. Until I get home, at least.

I may try and get tested again while in VA, but who knows. And who knows how helpful that’ll be.

And then don’t even get me started on the whole leg thing. J’s FMLA stuff is due Tuesday (the day before we get back) and my doctor’s office is saying they can’t complete the paperwork until they see me for the follow-up a week from Monday. And then of course, they don’t know about the pregnancy. So who knows if they can X-ray me. So…I mean…

I’m on vacation, for shit’s sake. Why can’t I relax?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for this pregnancy and I hope so hard that it sticks. But I need the rest of my life to cooperate. And right now, it’s not. In about a trillion different ways. Hormones aside, I’m freaking the hell out.

#teamjunebug

I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😦

I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug