Ye Old Obligatory Post

Honestly…

I’m not sleeping.

I’m stressed out at work as I have less than three weeks before I transfer to my new permanent full-time position.

The whole house-thing is stuck in limbo until this weekend when J and I will up and out ourselves to look at yet some more candidates.

I’m panicking about the fact that we only have one car, and I start school in less than four weeks.

I’m panicking about my stupid leg, despite the progress I’ve made (it’s never enough, is it?).

So, yeah. I’m tapped. I can’t even type up a real post for y’all. And writing yesterday’s post about Robin Williams really sapped me of a lot of energy, too. Emotional posts can do that to you.

So, here you go. Here’s an absolute shit post in which I just bitch about how tired and stressed I am. I’ve also been without a husband for nearly two weeks, so, that’s not helping matters.

Roll on, Friday. ❤

Reality Sucks!

So I don’t know what I did yesterday, but my leg hurts. I think I overextended it or something and have aggravated a muscle, since it’s been immobile for so long? Whatever…it hurts. I’m panicking because Dr. Google says that a blood clot can feel like muscle pain, and what with the 4-hour car ride followed by the 6-hour train ride yesterday…and other medical conditions that put me at risk…I am nervous.

Hypochondriac. *sigh*

Work today was rough. Crutching around is exhausting. Thankfully I am working short shifts this week. And thankfully tomorrow is Friday!

But work is hardly my biggest concern. While my boss has been drowning and I have a crapload of shit to work through since I’ve been gone so long, I feel less concerned about it than other things—probably because the job is short-lived. My new job starts in less than two months. I just need to finish this internship and be done.

But the new job…oh God, the new job. And school! And the end of our apartment lease! All of these things will be happening in the first few weeks of September. I don’t even know what we are going to do. I’m hoping I am bearing weight on my leg before I go back to school because I am not crutching around the city. My new job is bound to be stressful, combined with going to school full-time. And then the apartment…we have two options if we don’t put an offer in on a house before September. Actually, we have to make a choice next month. We have to let our landlady know whether we are staying or not. We have two options. 1) Sign a lease for another year and risk either wasting another $15,000+ down the drain for nothing or having to break the lease and pay a penalty. 2) Refuse another lease and either move into a new house by move-out time or move in with my parents.

Moving in with my parents is not desirable. We’d have to get a storage unit for our shit and we would have to figure out how to situate the cats. See, my parents have an old cat that has taken to pooping on the floor randomly whenever he’s really upset. To introduce our cats in that household would probably cause him to start it up again. So what do we do with the cats? Keep them in the basement room alone?? Try and keep them in the spare bedroom with us and away from my parents’ cat?

I told J yesterday, no matter what, we’re not abandoning the cats. We are not giving them to anyone, permanently or temporarily, and we aren’t putting them in a kitty kennel. Forget it. I’d rather sign another lease and break it and pay money out the ass than turn my back on my kitties.

And we still have to deal with the aftermath of the accident.

J returns to work on Sunday night. For the first time since the accident, I’ll be on my own. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m not looking forward to being alone five nights out of the week again. But we don’t have a choice. We need the money. Now, more than ever.

I’m sorry, this post turned whiney. I had to write something so I could link to the other post so that you guys can read it. And this is what was on my mind. 😦

Second Beta, #pgpost, Password Protected Posts, and Holy Shit This Is Real

Where I am: 19dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also either reflux or heartburn, occasional nausea, and a confused stomach


 

Screen Shot 2014-07-09 at 2.59.35 PM

That’s right…my second beta came back at an astounding 881.

Now before you go crying multiples, remember that there was a five day difference there. So it was bound to be a large number. However, I do try to do the math in my head (read: on my phone), and if they double every 48 hours and it was 54 at 12dpo, then it should have been 108 at 14dpo…and then 216 at 16dpo? Is that right?

So yeah, 881 is still a high number. But tomorrow’s third and probably final (they test up until 1,000) beta will tell more. We are obviously looking for at least a 1,600. Continue reading

Because I Can’t Keep Quiet At All

I can’t. I have to wait at least another day while the proper people are informed and blah blah frickin’ blah.

This is not even TTC-related, but I am so anxious to get it out there and write about it and I can’t on my public blog and I’m losing my mind.

I got the job. At my work. The permanent, full-time editorial position.

GUYS I GOT THE FRIGGIN’ JOB. I FINALLY HAVE A JOB IN MY FIELD.

I can’t even…

I can’t. Not even a little.

Aside from the fact that I’ve been waiting four whole years for a job in my field, aside from that…this job…

…okay, this is going to go TTC-related. This job means so many things. It means I have, for the first time in over a year, a full-time permanent job. For the first time in forever, I have a job in my field.

I have a normal paycheck. Not that we were struggling before, but the fertility stuff was eventually going to start making things really difficult. Treatments aside, possible ER visits or procedures or prenatal care…the money was going to start dwindling somewhere. And our precious tiny “baby fund,” compiled of all the money we got from our wedding over two years ago now, was going to have to be touched. And then the money we’d want to eventually spend on our newborn baby would start to disappear.

Same with the mortgage. And everything else that comes with buying a house. Sure, we have our down payment set aside (and that came to us only out of tragedy) but there’ll be expenses. New appliances. Painting. Furniture. Higher bills. Etc, etc.

And we went into this year kind of saying, “Well, screw it. Let’s close our eyes and hope for the best.” And we did. And I applied to this job with my eyes closed, my breath held, and I got it.

Were not millionaires now. My new salary, while AMAZING considering I’m used to living off of a meager near-minimum wage thanks to over ten years in retail, doesn’t mean we can afford a giant house. Or even a house bigger than what we planned on anyway, in fact. It doesn’t mean we can do a zillion medicated cycles or IUIs or IVF treatments, or adopt a baby as easy as 1-2-3.

But this job…it means so much. It means I can breathe a little easier. It means if we run into a speed bump with buying our house, we won’t sail over the median and crash head-on into a Mack truck. We might get into a little fender-bender, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be able to drive home safe.

And it means benefits. It means more health insurance. It means maybe infertility still won’t be covered, but eventually being doubly-covered for prenatal care might make up for the dent that treatments will put us in. It means maternity leave.

I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling. But I smile-cried the whole way home today. I feel like things have been going so wrong, for so long. I needed this job, just like I need us to buy a house. I am so tired of things being taken away from me, from me and J. I don’t know what the hell is in store for us regarding TTC, but at least I know it’s not infecting every other damn part of my life. I’m not being followed by the dark cloud I thought was haunting every waking moment. I feel like our life’s felt stagnant for years as I’ve navigated the publishing world and struggled to find my footing and a job, suffered miserable jobs in retail where I was overworked and underappreciated, and as we continued to put everything in our lives on hold while we TTC. I almost didn’t go to grad school because of the miscarriage. I almost didn’t take the job I have now because of grad school. We almost didn’t start seriously thinking about a house because of two miscarriages and the realization that we needed medical help.

Well screw you, infertility and recurrent miscarriage. We’re moving on without you.

I know I play tough on here but I have been fighting a dark place ever since December. And I myself didn’t realize until I drove home how this job offer really affected me. I didn’t realize I was holding out for it so much.

Okay. I feel better now. Oh except for one more thing.

Hey future baby. I hope wherever you are, you’re seeing and hearing this right now. Mommy’s got a good job, so she can buy you the things you need. Mommy and Daddy are going to buy a house for all of us, too, where you’ll have your own room, and a backyard to play in. So you see? We’re ready for you now. More ready than we’ve ever been. So you can come home, now. Everything will be here for you when you arrive. ❤

A Whirlwind Week

Where I am: CD5
Medications: Clomid, Day 3 of 5
Symptoms: none


I am so glad it’s Thursday. This week is becoming too much! And pretty much none of it has to do with this TTC cycle, interestingly enough…

For those of you who follow my Twitter, you know I’ve been one hell of a bitchy whineface to be around lately. Taking into account my extreme lack of sleep Sunday night and how horrible I’ve been feeling healthwise, I was a mess on Tuesday. Then Tuesday night, I didn’t sleep. Hardly at all. I was up until at least 5:30, and then woke up every hour after that. Yesterday, I walked through the day like I was in some nightmare dream haze. Everyone at work kept telling me how horrible I looked (gee thanks). I left early, took a nap for an hour, spent the evening on the couch, and went to bed before 11:00PM. Thankfully, I slept pretty soundly through the night (waking only at 4:00AM to pee and wonder where the hell my husband was…he was just finishing up his shower and was coming to bed).

I woke up still feeling pretty craptastic this morning, but at least I felt more or less well-rested. As well-rested as one can be, of course, after two nights of insomnia in one week.

Today…I have an interview at work. (AHHHHHH.) The position I have right now is temporary (and isn’t even in the department I want to be in, which is Editorial/Production). The department I want to work in (that I worked for last summer as part of another contract position) had two openings recently, and I applied for one. There’s been a lot of bureaucratic nonsense going on about me wanting to work there and being able to work there (I have a family member who works there, but we would never interact with each other…it’s just stupid). But I guess they are starting to reconsider that policy because they emailed me yesterday and said I have an hour-long interview with many people in the department today.

TODAY!

Great! On not nearly enough sleep and with some allergy/cold-disease-like-thing. Awesome. I’m totally on my game. *le heavy sigh*

I swear, I’m not complaining about getting an interview. I’m not. I’m really excited. I’m just also really, really, really nervous because I want this job so bad. I know it’ll throw me for a loop, since it would start after this temporary job comes to a close at the end of summer, and then I’ll be working and schooling full-time and TTC…but I need to be able to move forward with my life in spite of RPL and IF. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. House, job, school.

Oi.

In other news…I’m feeling good about this cycle. I’ve only got two doses of Clomid down, but I feel fine for now. Emotionally, it didn’t affect me much last time. Physically, it only affected me about 2-3 days after my last dose, when my ovaries felt like they were going to bust out of my abdomen. Ouch! So I expect the same this time around.

And…that’s what I’m up to. Sorry this is such a disjointed post. Not being able to medicate myself through these allergies/this cold is really messing with my brainpower, and I need it all for work and that interview. Which is in less than two hours. Holy crap.

FREEDOM!!!!! …Wait, Oh Crap!

Where I am: CD17 [7dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional nausea, peeing all the time…a bunch of other shit that would normally scream “PREGNANCY,” but—HAH!—I know better…


My first year of school is behind me.

Halle-frickin’-lujah!!!!!!!

I didn’t think I would make it. Honestly, I didn’t. I had enough on my mind last semester, with trying and not getting pregnant and then getting pregnant. This semester, with my second loss and the testing and the procedures and the surgery…cripes. I can’t believe it…

…but I made it. It’s over. Four months of summer, I am here. I am ready. Take me, hold me, keep me forever.

Phew.

And now it’s time to change gears. Turn off school, and turn up TTC and house-hunting. Just because classes are over hardly means my life is going to be any less full of happening things.

I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this, but my husband and I got pre-approved for a loan through the VA (with no down payment, which was good yet unnecessary, since we have one ready) and were assigned a realtor by USAA. I gave her the three towns we want to look in first…my husband has drill this weekend down the Cape and will be gone Saturday through Wednesday, so we’re looking at the second weekend in May to start going to open houses!

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Sorry, don’t mind me as I freak out. We’ve been talking about buying a house for something like three years, have been passively looking at houses for a little over a year and a half, and have been swearing we’d get serious about it for about a year. It’s been a long time coming. I’m overwhelmed and excited and…

…well, happy. I think a big part of putting off buying a house was because of everything that happened last year. I guess you could say we put a house on hold for the sake of TTC, kind of. I wanted to go to school, we wanted to have the money for the baby…of course, that didn’t pan out.

And now I’m just tired of putting our life on hold all the time. We need to keep moving forward. There is so much up in the air because of this IF stuff, but I’ll get into that another day. Buying a house is the right move for us. It’s happening this summer. In June, I will be doing a glorious happy dance when our landlord drops off the new lease agreement and I can finally check off “NO we will not be renewing our lease” as an option.

But now on to the “Oh, Crap!” part of the title. Because school is over. And while we are ramping up for the house thing and summer in general, the biggest stressor and distraction in my life has magically disappeared. Just…poof!

That said…it’s coming.

The freak out. Or meltdown. Something that probably involves tears and a mild panic attack.

It’s coming.

It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing. It’s a necessary thing, I think. I have a fantastic way of compartmentalizing my feelings (sometimes), especially when I have something to throw myself into 100% (i.e. school and work). I can push whatever is or could be bothering me into the back of my mind and focus on a separate task. The only issue with that is I eventually get to a point where that distraction is no longer there. And all the emotions or fears or sadness that I’ve kept bottled up and smothered down just erupts into one big mess.

I honestly don’t feel it right now. I have been thinking of this cycle, this Clomid cycle, and I think I won’t mind if I get a BFN. I actually kind of feel like I will be getting a BFN. I just don’t feel pregnant right now. Not that I would a week post-trigger, but…I’m sure you know what I mean. Wanna-be mommy’s intuition, I guess. And I think I am okay with it.

But I know there’s going to be a moment this week or next week when it hits me. Once my brain recovers from the shock that has been these past few weeks at school. Once the fact that I’m really in my first treatment cycle for infertility settles in.

But it’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. A little sob session never hurt anyone.

I’m so sorry for the disjointed and unfocused post. As you can probably tell, my brain is broken. I really do write better than this, I swear. I just need a moment to regenerate some brain cells.

I’ll have you know I’ve caught up on all your posts. Didn’t comment on all of them, but I read all of them!

And now I’m going to go mindlessly watch TV and/or pass the f**k out. Maybe both at the same time. Stay tuned, I’ll be back tomorrow or the next day with another post (and a Liebster award nomination, hooray!).

Baby dust and rainbows to you all. ❤

Totally Lost in a New Experience

Where I am: CD13 [3dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily (started this morning)
Symptoms: stomach is on-and-off weird, achy feeling in ovaries just started to let up this morning


So here I am, officially in the 2ww.

I’ll be honest, yesterday I was seriously doubting this cycle. My ovaries had been achy for days and I was starting to become paranoid in thinking that 30mm was actually a cyst and that’s why my right ovary was still so sore—because it was still in there! Plus, I’m paranoid that I somehow f**ked up the trigger and that maybe I’m not ovulating…

…see, ladies, I’ve never done this whole, like…I don’t know, “tracking” thing. I never did basal temps, or investigated my cervical goo, or…any of that. J and I just tried. We just didn’t use protection and I kind of tried to have us baby dance around when my period app told me I’d be ovulating, and it just happened. Twice. It would be annoyingly awesome if not for the fact that I miscarried both times.

Hoping this means I didn't f**k it up! :D

Hoping this means I didn’t f**k it up! 😀

So in short, I don’t know what ovulation pains are like. I’ve never paid attention to any of this. So now I find myself in the weird position of thinking “I know I should be ovulating because I triggered” and genuinely not knowing if I am, because I don’t know how that feels.

It’s kind of aggravating.

Anyway, I digress. I took HPTs the morning after I triggered (10 hours later, to be precise) and this morning—see photo—and there was a visible line both times. I am taking this as a sign that I didn’t screw anything up, the HCG is in my system, and is hopefully triggering (or already triggered) ovulation. I woke up this morning and my ovaries felt significantly less achier than yesterday. In fact, my uterus now feels a little achy. Maybe there’s little eggies and spermies gettin’ busy in there, who knows. I can only hope.

But that’s about all I’m going to do, is hope. And test every other day until the line disappears and/or starts getting darker (and then I might test every day).

Sidenote: I also started my progesterone suppositories this morning. In my hoohah. Weird friggin’ feeling, right? Sheesh.

My final project for one of my classes in graduate school is due Wednesday. I’m not even halfway done with it yet. We have a make-up class from a snow day tonight, so I’ll be heading into Boston early to work on the project with the Adobe programs there at school and gathering a little plethora of questions to ask my professor when we use computer lab time to work on the projects and get feedback. Sunday through Tuesday is going to be rough as I pull together the rest of the pieces…and then class is Wednesday night.

SO! If you don’t see me here on WordPress for a while, don’t fear. I’ll be back once this semester is behind me. But honestly, I need to put infertility and the 2ww in the back of my mind so I can perfect this project and get an A in this class. Wish me luck! I’ll try to check in with you guys occasionally, but if not, baby dust to those of you trying this cycle and good thoughts and vibes to those of you awaiting second betas and/or ultrasounds!! ❤

** Edit: I originally posted “3dpt” up at the top of my post, which apparently means “days past transfer” not “days past trigger.” My sincere apologies for screwing that up. As I just said, I know nothing! 🙂 **

Nervous As Hell

Where I am: CD8
Medications: none (waiting on trigger)
Symptoms: tired, dizzy, nauseous, pretty friggin’ emotional, and a little sore where my ovaries are…I think…


The last few days have been less fun. Whereas I slept deeply and soundly the first three nights of the Clomid, the last two left me not so lucky. The fourth night I was up before 7:00AM tossing and turning, trying to ignore the yucky feeling in my tummy. And then last night, on my fifth and final Clomid night, I had horrible insomnia until almost 4:00AM, which resulted in extreme nausea and an emotional breakdown. The second of the day, actually. The third of the entire weekend.

Well, guess my hormones are responding. Awesome.

It always seems to be the case for me: when it rains, it pours—and this is no different. In the next week and a half, I will be finishing up my first year of graduate school, (hopefully) triggering and baby-dancing and entering the dreaded 2ww, and calling the realtor we just hired last week to give her a list of towns we want to look. (Yeah, we got pre-approved last week. Kind of accidentally. J was calling to find out how to go about the whole process, and they handheld him through everything right to the pre-approval and assigned us a realtor we won’t have to pay for. Thanks VA loan and USAA.com!)

I think in general, I’m overwhelmed. There’s a lot going on in our life right now, and they are all shifting moving parts that interconnect with each other, and I’ve been doing my damndest to keep the gears from getting jammed up. My biggest fear is that I will let the stress and anxiety of the next few weeks get to me and it will affect my chances of getting/staying pregnant. The last thing I need to do is to help my body suck at that; it’s doing a grand enough job on its own already.

But I want to talk about what prompted me to write this post in the first place. Because of the aforementioned emotions, I’ve started to let the negative feelings start sweeping in. You know, it’s been nothing but anticipation and excitement since we found out we’d be starting our first Clomid/HCG-trigger cycle, and I’ve kind of been riding that through the last few weeks. But with CD10 looming overhead, and the dreaded 2ww to come after, I’ve got all new feelings to feel.

Dread. Anxiety. Nervousness. Fear. Sadness. Paranoia.

How do you approach this? Just…how? On the one hand, I want to be positive. Of course, I only want to have to do one cycle of fertility meds and want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby after nine long months. So that’s what I should hope for, right? Positive thinking…positive outcome?

But then there’s the Negative Nancy side of me, telling my wishful little heart not to put all my eggs in one basket (little bit of infertility humor there, HAH…also Easter) and to be cautious. It’s not common for women to get pregnant on their first cycle. It happens, but it’s not a high percentage or anything. And if I really let myself get caught up in this cycle and end up with a nasty BFN next month, is it going to crush my heart and soul that much more? Shouldn’t I guard against that?

I’m scared to be too hopeful for the fear of only hurting myself more in the end. I’m scared to be too guarded because I honestly don’t want to be feeling negative when I’m literally trying to will my body to do what it’s supposed to do.

I’m just at a loss. Also, I don’t think Clomid is helping matters at all. Super emotionally fragile. JEEZ.