Depression is a Disease, Not a Choice

I know this is a blog for infertility and miscarriage. I know that talking about Robin Williams and the cause of death may seem off-topic to you. And if talk of depression, suicide, self-harm, or anything similar could be triggering or upsetting to you, read no further. Otherwise, please hear what I have to say.

Note: I am open to healthy debate and discussion about mental health issues in the US, or around the world. However, please know that if your comment is in any way rude or destructive to the cause, it will be deleted without incident. My blog, my rules. If you have nothing constructive to say, don’t say anything at all. Continue reading

Too Much

Where I am: 7w4d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food (and smell) aversions, congestion, headaches


I woke up this morning and felt like the nausea was gone. Granted, I barely ate anything yesterday because I felt so sick, and then barely ate anything today until I came home and had a huge dinner. I actually just stuffed my face, regardless of the “small meals” rule, because I want to pretty much induce the nausea.

How fucked up is that?

My boobs still hurt. I guess I can take comfort in that. And I’ve been congested the last few days.

I overdid it so bad this weekend. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I was dead by Sunday afternoon. My arm and good leg muscles ached. I was exhausted. On Monday, I had a migraine and the little food I ate (fruit, some bites of chocolate, ice cream, chips and dip…I know, wicked healthy, right?) gave me the shakes. I got in bed before 8:00PM, and fell asleep by 9:00PM. I slept nearly twelve hours last night. That alone was a testament to how done my body was with me.

The panic and paranoia has set in. I feel like it’s all going to be over on Friday. Nothing anyone tells me will make me feel otherwise. I just feel this dread, from head to toe. I find myself wondering what it’ll be like when I’m back on the other side, again. With three losses under my belt. Back to square one. Unable to face my family ever again during the holidays as I reach two years since I told all of them we would be trying to have kids.

And I fucking hate it. Because should this pregnancy miraculously continue, I think I’ll feel guilty about how little I enjoyed these first twelve weeks.

I’m overwhelmed by everything. Not just this pregnancy. But everything. I overestimated how much I thought I could handle.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs, or responding to tweets. I’m definitely withdrawing, which is usually what I do before I slip into depression. I’m trying to be there for you guys, and know I have been reading as many of your tweets and all of your  blogs I can manage. I just don’t have the energy or concentration in me to comment. I know that makes me a shit friend. I won’t be offended if you guys return the favor. I don’t expect much attention if I’m not giving it.

But know that I’m thinking of you all. Those of you starting or in the middle of new cycles, some of you who are very freshly pregnant and stuck in the realm of uncertainty, those of you who are progressing with your pregnancies and have reached milestones such as viability or the anatomy scan or are almost due. And those of you who’ve received heartbreaking BFNs lately. And those who have received BFPs only to be devastated by a chemical pregnancy. I’ve been following all of you. I’m thinking of all of you.

Steady, Freddy…

Where I am: 6w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired almost all the time, boobs sore all the time (feel best in a bra, grumble grumble), nausea, digestive issues, food (and smell) aversions…


I’m sorry it’s been a while. You’ll read what J and I have been up to in the unprotected post.

I’m closing in on 7w already. The symptoms keep me somewhat grounded, but for the most part I am just constantly trying to keep myself calm and distracted. I am slowly creeping up on what I’m dubbing the “Red Zone” (8-12w), which is probably where I will be the most high-strung and psychotic about this pregnancy. Sure, I’ll probably worry all the time, because RPL just does that to you, but I’ve never made it past 9w. And, as you all know, I walked around thinking I had a growing baby in my tummy for nearly a month, only to find out at my NT scan that Baby Bean had passed only days (maybe hours) after my 8w6d scan. Right now…like my good friend ACalmPersistence is, I’m in low gear. Cruising along nice and slow. Just sputtering along, keeping the gears running but not too fast. I think I’m officially in the single digits of days until my 8w ultrasound.

The symptoms are in full-ish swing. My stomach feels crappy pretty much all day, every day. Bowel movements are a joke. I also sometimes get no warning as to when they would like to make an appearance. So that’s fun.

I am pretty sure I wake up at least once every night to pee. The record so far was the other night…it was four or five. Definitely the forerunner for most times in one night.

I know this has zero to do with not having room (because Bug is not taking up any of my breathing space) but I am constantly needing to take deep breaths. Or yawn, to get enough oxygen. I’ve heard this is because of increased blood volume? I take that as a good sign, as well. I’m also exhausted all the time, so…also a reason for the excessive yawning.

I swear, I intend to blog nearly every day, and never get around to doing so. I’m guessing it’s because I’m tired. Because there’s nothing really to blog about, except symptoms. My fear. My intense desire to be in the second trimester already so I can feel the slightest bit of relief.

There is something I do want to talk about. My next appointment…my ultrasound. It’s being done in one of the facilities in Boston, because my RE only works where I live a few days a week for a few hours at a time. He mostly works in Boston, and does a lot of IVF procedures and OB surgeries in other facilities and hospitals around the city (he’s a busy man!), and unless I wanted to wait another week, I had to go my practice’s Boston location.

Which is where I had my last ultrasound on Christmas Eve. The day I found out Baby Bean was gone.

It doesn’t panic me…yet. I know that when we head in on that Friday morning, though, I’ll be freaking out. The good thing is, because of my leg, we’ll be driving and not riding in on the train. Hopefully that makes a difference to my anxiety level. But still…same facility. A week’s worth of time shy of when my last baby’s heart stopped beating. I think it’s safe to say I might suffer some extreme PTSD. But I am going to hope the deepest of hopes that there is a good outcome.

I still feel like this pregnancy isn’t really real yet. I’m still ever waiting for that other shoe to drop. I feel like I am reading a bad book, and I know how it’s going to end, but I keep reading anyway.

That was morbid. And sad. And more depressed-sounding than I intended. I don’t know, I guess this is how I’ll feel for a while. It does suck, to not be able to fully enjoy everything. As much as I feel like we, J and I, are enjoying things. He calls me “pregnant wife” or mentions the baby at least once a day. I guess it’s kind of like a dream. It feels real, and I can be happy in the dream, but there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head like I know I’m dreaming and will inevitably wake up.

I guess that’s the same analogy of the book. Jesus, I’m just going to shut up about it now. I slept 10 hours last night, but I’m still tired. My brain doesn’t want to work. (I was also just on a conference call for two and a half hours. So…there’s that.)

I have more frustrations I’d like to blog about, also password-protected, that aren’t directly pregnancy-related, but that’s for another time when I can emotionally and physically handle actually writing it all out.

For now…I’ll leave you with this. Only 9 days until my next appointment.

YIKES.

Quick Update Before Vacation

Where I am: CD20 (8dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: digestive issues, woke up one morning and almost got sick, nauseous most mornings, craving random things—all probably Crinone-related


I’m sorry for being away for so long, and just a heads-up that this will be a short entry as we leave for DC tomorrow morning and we are so behind in packing and have a wedding in NH tonight.

It’s been a tough week. I haven’t really wanted to sit down and talk about it. Even now, I don’t really want to get into all of it, but I figured I owed you all an update. I’m going to bullet-point this shit, because…well, like I said, I’m tired and I have so much to do!

Regarding My Leg

  • had follow-up X-ray on Wednesday (freaked out about possible pregnancy, technician quintuple-shielded me—literally cleared the rack of all the aprons and put them all on me)
  • current state of fracture requires no surgery, but will if it worsens
  • orthopedist wants me to take 325mg aspirin, but said I could stay on 81mg if RE said unsafe for pregnancy…RE’s nurse told me to go ahead and take the higher dose, I asked if safe for pregnancy, she didn’t answer and just said my health and preventing blood clots is important…are you serious?
  • stiff brace, zero weight-bearing for 4 weeks
  • (if looking better) dial brace—adjustable for bending—partial weight-bearing for 2 weeks
  • eventually, physical therapy
  • monitoring requires X-rays but this could change if I end up pregnant…see Regarding TTC

Regarding TTC

  • faint line on cheapie earlier this week (trigger still there)
  • crystal-clear BFN this morning, second morning urine (trigger out of system)
  • OTD is in 4 days, July 2nd…any positive test from here on out is a BFP
  • if this cycle ends in a BFP, orthopedist and I will have to have a conversation on how to monitor my leg because X-rays are the only way of checking to make sure the fracture has not worsened
  • if this cycle ends in a BFN, there’s a very good chance that TTC will be sidelined until after my leg is better due to required X-rays and physical therapy—this notion is a dark cloud following me everywhere 😦

Other things to note…I’m off the Oxycodone for a few days now. The pain in my leg isn’t constant anymore, but there are flare-ups. Honestly, the worst pain is in my hands and arms from crutching around. My other leg is pretty worn down, too, from compensating from the other leg. I am sleeping better after my orthopedist appointment, where I learned that—while not recommended—I can bend my leg or apply pressure on the sides of it. I have slept on my side or stomach for the last three nights and it feels so much better. But overall, I’m physically exhausted and sleepy all the time.

Vacation starts tomorrow. We have my crutches, and we rented a transport chair that J will push me around in, and we are toying with the thought of renting a motorized scooter just for the DC half. I’m not 100% sure I’ll update you while we’re in DC (although my OTD is during that time period…so now that I think about it, I’ll probably check in and update you on that), but I’ll definitely write while we’re in VA beach. That half of the trip will be nothing but relaxation, sun, sand, reading, resting, and fruity drinks (obviously only if my HPT on the 2nd comes up a devastating BFN).

Until then, I bid you adieu. I promise I’m not this down 24/7. I’m not even feeling particularly down right this moment. It’s just with everything that happened this week, life just sucks. I have no hope for this cycle left. Oh well.