I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

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TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

Losing It

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired


Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.

Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.

I think I’ve hit my first wall.

And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.

Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.

But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.

So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.

I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.

I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.

I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.

Long Island, Father’s Day, Whoremones, and Monitoring Week

Where I am: CD8
Medications: none (finished Clomid last night)
Symptoms: whoremones, twinges/pulling in left ovary and maybe right?


First, the obvious: Clomid is over and done. Only two sleeps until my first (hopefully only?) monitoring appointment to see how my follies are coming along. Fingers and toes crossed black and blue that there’s a perfect amount for me to try this cycle. Continue reading

Cautiously Hopeful and Excited but Scared Shitless

Where I am: CD4
Medications: Clomid, Day 2 of 5
Symptoms: moody!


(Fun side note: I started typing this up earlier today at work, and then Adobe Pro wasn’t working, so I had to share my desktop with the IS guy, and the window ended up popping up when he tried to shut down all other programs…for a good ten seconds…yeah it was just wonderful. Super embarassing. *sigh*)

I’m sorry for the short and almost non-emotional post yesterday. I was very much in a processing state of mind! You see, this is my third Clomid cycle. Despite the fact that I think I was gypped the first time with that stupid monster follicle. Despite the fact that I definitely was gypped last cycle due to the cancellation.

This is my third cycle.

Which means the chances that my RE will force me on a month-long break are probably good? The chances that we will switch to injectables are probably good? The possibility of transitioning to IUIs…I don’t know.

This is just based on research. Clomid is not recommended for more than 3 back-to-back cycles, and no more than 6 total.

Ugh.

You see, when I found out this cycle was a go, I got so full of hope. So full of hope. And I don’t like that. I don’t like to be so hopeful. It makes the fall harder.

I got a hold on that, though. I waited up for the hubby (since he was too busy at work to call or text me back) and talked to him. He talked me down, told me to relax until the monitoring appointment next week. Because now we know, just because I pass the baseline doesn’t mean I have a definite chance of going through with it. That’s all up to my little follies.

Speaking of which, the Clomid and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday. We had a little pow-wow, me and the Clomid and my ovaries. We’re all working together. All for the same goal. To get a few (at most) good, plump, healthy follies with good, mature, healthy eggs. I don’t want to hurt my ovaries, my ovaries don’t want to hurt me…we’re all working toward the same goal.

To get me pregnant.

*deep, zen breathing*

So I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to be hopeful and think positive, but also guarding myself. Because I want to get pregnant so bad this cycle. We’ll be testing while on vacation, and it would just be amazing to return home with one extra passenger—so to speak.

Ugh, I don’t know. See, even as I try to write, I can’t get my thoughts straight. I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, or because I’m still overwhelmed. I don’t know why I’m so overwhelmed. I’ve been here two times before. Why am I so anxious this time?

Sorry, I really meant for this to be more cohesive. Alas, tomorrow is Friday. Which means New York is two days away! We’re heading to Long Island Saturday morning…taking the ferry from Connecticut. The Swarovski event is Sunday afternoon, and then we’ll be back Sunday night. Sunday night is also the last night of Clomid. So once these three wonderful days with my husband are over, I’ll have only three sleeps until the monitoring appointment.

Come on, follies. Come on, Clomid. Let’s work together. Let’s make this happen. Please. I’m desperate. I’m scared.

#teamjunebug

Third Time Is the Charm?

Where I am: CD3
Medications: Clomid, Day 1 of 5
Symptoms: mild cramps


Well, good news it is, then. I passed the baseline!

So here we are, again. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home and picked up my 50mg of Clomid, to be started tonight through until Sunday (CD3-7, as usual) with the standard follicular ultrasound on Wednesday (CD10).

I’ve got a lot of emotions. Nervousness. Anxiety. Dread. Hope. Not ready to write about them just yet.

I’ll write again, probably tomorrow once I sort out the nonsense going on in my head.

#teamjunebug

Oh, Praise the Crimson Gods!!!

Where I am: CD29
Medications: none
Symptoms: death by cramping


I spoke too soon! AF is most certainly on her way here!

Cramping started lightly last night and quickly ramped up today to maximum pain about an hour ago. I had some spotting and (weirdly) **TMI WARNING** some very dark brown discharge (old blood? from last cycle? I’m not sure…anyone had this happen on Clomid?) today. But I’m 100% positive I’ll wake up to full flow tomorrow—with the way my uterus feels right now—and be able to declare it CD1.

Phew.

This means I’ll be CD10 on the 18th, which means my 2ww—should everything go to plan this time—will end sometime while we are on vacation…when and where exactly depends on when I am allowed to trigger.

Yikes!

Anyway, just wanted to jump on here and inform you all that AF’s en route. Baseline ultrasound will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I’ll post an update with either good or not-so-good news after that appointment. Fingers and toes crossed that I pass with flying colors. Also, time to order the Clomid 50mg.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cuddle with my husband with a heating pad on my tummy and grin through the excruciating pain because obviously I’m happy about this!