I’ve Already Threatened the Unicorns (Yes, It’s THAT Bad)

Where I am: CD12
Medications: none (Crinone starts tomorrow morning)
Symptoms: bloated, headache for 4 days now, intense bouts of nausea


Ohhhh, yeah. It’s that bad.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been a walking disaster. I had salad for lunch around 1:30PM yesterday, and around 2:30PM started feeling ill. At the time, I was nibbling on yogurt-covered raisins, so I put those away and just went back to work…trying to ignore the pounding in my head that’s been there for pretty much the whole week.

Last night was a little outing with my mom and her best friend. Might seem weird, but you see, they worked together for 20ish years way back when in a small publishing company. When I was little, my mom brought me there all the time because she mostly worked from home (you know, taking home FLOPPY DISKS with work on them, oh the good ol’ days!) and she had to pass in completed work and pick up new work. I always used to go to this best friend’s office because she had candy and toys galore on her desk and on her shelves. She’s literally known me since I was probably around 2-3, since my brother was an infant when she became really good friends with my mom.

Long story only kind of long…best friend moved to the company I work for now 10 years ago. My mom followed 5 years later. And now here I am, about to start as a permanent employee in the editorial division with both of these women. So it was a momentous occasion that needed to be celebrated (their words, of course!).

Anyway, back to yesterday. We went to a local Mexican restaurant for margaritas and table-side guacamole. Knowing full well that this cycle was moving forward, I went into this planning to have 1-2 drinks and calling it quits.

Well, I barely finished the first drink before the nausea hit again HARD. I excused myself to the bathroom, lingered for a minute, didn’t get sick, didn’t want to stay in there until it passed because they might worry, returned to the table and sat there for 15 minutes unable to speak or really listen to anything they were saying as I focused on not upchucking the chips and guac/salsa I’d just been eating.

I couldn’t even look at the food. Talking about it is making me feel sick all over again!

Once we left, I went back to my parents’ house for a little while where I got them started on Orange is the New Black. I left around 9:30PM and when I got home, just curled up on the couch and tweeted about how horrible I was feeling. Evidently I fell asleep (and pulled the blanket over me) because the next thing I knew it was nearly 1AM and the hubby was gently trying to wake me. We took a shower, did our second woohoo out of three (I felt so guilty, because with the way I felt, having sex was such a chore 😦 ), and then I went to sleep.

And I didn’t sleep well. And I still have a goddamn headache. And I am still nauseous. And my ovaries are killing me.

OH, and I forgot to take my pituitary meds before bed last night. How long have I been on them for now? That’s the first goddamn one I’ve missed. Damnit.

I’ve threatened the TTC gods and the unicorns. I’m going to kill ALL the unicorns if they don’t get me pregnant this month. Because this…this is the worst it’s ever been.

I know I shouldn’t be whining, because this all means that everything is working, but holy crap I feel like shit. Right now, I can hardly finish typing this because the cramping in my abdomen is so bad.

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!

Okay, I need to go back to pretending to work now. I hope all of you are well. And if you have any good lucks, vibes, thoughts, whatever, send them my way. I really would love if all this pain resulted in a sticky lil’ June bug baby. ❤

#teamjunebug

TEAM JUNE BUG LIVES!!!

Where I am: CD10
Medications: Ovidrel @ 10PM
Symptoms: bloated, headache, all the ovary feelings


Oh man, what an emotional roller coaster of a morning today.

It’s 2:00PM as I start writing this, and I am exhausted already!

As you saw last night, I was falling apart at the seams yesterday. Luckily I was able to fall asleep shortly before midnight and mostly sleep through the night (had one nightmare, don’t remember what it was, but jerked me right out of sleep so hard I sat up). Up early this morning, shower, woke up the hubby because he likes to come with me, and off we went.

The tech recognizes us by name and face now, and asked about my Clomid history as she scanned over my ovaries (exclaiming right off the bat that I definitely “had something going on”). I reminded her about the cancellation, and after that she got really quiet and I got really nervous.

I’m not 100% certain on all of these numbers, not sure I’m remembering correctly…so the ones italicized could be wrong but aren’t off by more than 2mm, and the ones un-italicized are definite numbers I remember:

LO: 11mm, 13mm
RO: 14mm, 17mm, 19mm, 20mm

My heart dropped when she told me these measurements. I thought I knew the call that was coming: “You’re too high risk for multiples…we’re going to have to cancel…”

So of course I took to Twitter and moped, and of course so many of my lovely friends on there reassured me that my RE would let me go forward with it and if he didn’t, that I should do it on my own anyway.

Well, I’m on my way down to lunch a few hours ago and my damn phone rings! I felt like I was going to pass out from sheer terror. Every word out of the nurse’s mouth before “Dr. O says if you’re comfortable with the risk of multiples…” was torture. When she finally explained the risk of twins, and that I had to verbally consent and all that jazz, I let out this huge sigh and said that yes, I was willing to take the risk.

Holy crap.

So, for sure, I have a 20 and a 17…and I think she said 19? Maybe another 17? Honestly, I forget. I know for sure I have a 20 and a 17 and that’s all I need. Perfectly-sized juicy egg-filled follicles.

I trigger tonight, we do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow night, and Friday night, and then I start my progesterone suppositories on Saturday morning. This puts my OTD at July 2nd, and since I’ll be on vacation I’ll have to stick with an HPT instead of a beta (although should it come up positive, the nurse did say they would probably want me to go to a hospital or clinic in DC or VA to get repeat bloodwork done, since I won’t be back for another week after OTD).

So, it looks like I’m not sleeping the rest of the work week! Since hubby works until midnight, I have to stay up and wait for him to come home. But it’ll be worth it! I can’t believe this cycle is happening! I really, really hope this is the one that sticks and sticks and sticks and brings me a lil’ baby next March!

#teamjunebug

Losing It

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired


Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.

Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.

I think I’ve hit my first wall.

And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.

Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.

But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.

So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.

I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.

I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.

I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.

Long Island, Father’s Day, Whoremones, and Monitoring Week

Where I am: CD8
Medications: none (finished Clomid last night)
Symptoms: whoremones, twinges/pulling in left ovary and maybe right?


First, the obvious: Clomid is over and done. Only two sleeps until my first (hopefully only?) monitoring appointment to see how my follies are coming along. Fingers and toes crossed black and blue that there’s a perfect amount for me to try this cycle. Continue reading

Cautiously Hopeful and Excited but Scared Shitless

Where I am: CD4
Medications: Clomid, Day 2 of 5
Symptoms: moody!


(Fun side note: I started typing this up earlier today at work, and then Adobe Pro wasn’t working, so I had to share my desktop with the IS guy, and the window ended up popping up when he tried to shut down all other programs…for a good ten seconds…yeah it was just wonderful. Super embarassing. *sigh*)

I’m sorry for the short and almost non-emotional post yesterday. I was very much in a processing state of mind! You see, this is my third Clomid cycle. Despite the fact that I think I was gypped the first time with that stupid monster follicle. Despite the fact that I definitely was gypped last cycle due to the cancellation.

This is my third cycle.

Which means the chances that my RE will force me on a month-long break are probably good? The chances that we will switch to injectables are probably good? The possibility of transitioning to IUIs…I don’t know.

This is just based on research. Clomid is not recommended for more than 3 back-to-back cycles, and no more than 6 total.

Ugh.

You see, when I found out this cycle was a go, I got so full of hope. So full of hope. And I don’t like that. I don’t like to be so hopeful. It makes the fall harder.

I got a hold on that, though. I waited up for the hubby (since he was too busy at work to call or text me back) and talked to him. He talked me down, told me to relax until the monitoring appointment next week. Because now we know, just because I pass the baseline doesn’t mean I have a definite chance of going through with it. That’s all up to my little follies.

Speaking of which, the Clomid and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday. We had a little pow-wow, me and the Clomid and my ovaries. We’re all working together. All for the same goal. To get a few (at most) good, plump, healthy follies with good, mature, healthy eggs. I don’t want to hurt my ovaries, my ovaries don’t want to hurt me…we’re all working toward the same goal.

To get me pregnant.

*deep, zen breathing*

So I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to be hopeful and think positive, but also guarding myself. Because I want to get pregnant so bad this cycle. We’ll be testing while on vacation, and it would just be amazing to return home with one extra passenger—so to speak.

Ugh, I don’t know. See, even as I try to write, I can’t get my thoughts straight. I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, or because I’m still overwhelmed. I don’t know why I’m so overwhelmed. I’ve been here two times before. Why am I so anxious this time?

Sorry, I really meant for this to be more cohesive. Alas, tomorrow is Friday. Which means New York is two days away! We’re heading to Long Island Saturday morning…taking the ferry from Connecticut. The Swarovski event is Sunday afternoon, and then we’ll be back Sunday night. Sunday night is also the last night of Clomid. So once these three wonderful days with my husband are over, I’ll have only three sleeps until the monitoring appointment.

Come on, follies. Come on, Clomid. Let’s work together. Let’s make this happen. Please. I’m desperate. I’m scared.

#teamjunebug

Third Time Is the Charm?

Where I am: CD3
Medications: Clomid, Day 1 of 5
Symptoms: mild cramps


Well, good news it is, then. I passed the baseline!

So here we are, again. I stopped by the pharmacy on my way home and picked up my 50mg of Clomid, to be started tonight through until Sunday (CD3-7, as usual) with the standard follicular ultrasound on Wednesday (CD10).

I’ve got a lot of emotions. Nervousness. Anxiety. Dread. Hope. Not ready to write about them just yet.

I’ll write again, probably tomorrow once I sort out the nonsense going on in my head.

#teamjunebug

Oh, Praise the Crimson Gods!!!

Where I am: CD29
Medications: none
Symptoms: death by cramping


I spoke too soon! AF is most certainly on her way here!

Cramping started lightly last night and quickly ramped up today to maximum pain about an hour ago. I had some spotting and (weirdly) **TMI WARNING** some very dark brown discharge (old blood? from last cycle? I’m not sure…anyone had this happen on Clomid?) today. But I’m 100% positive I’ll wake up to full flow tomorrow—with the way my uterus feels right now—and be able to declare it CD1.

Phew.

This means I’ll be CD10 on the 18th, which means my 2ww—should everything go to plan this time—will end sometime while we are on vacation…when and where exactly depends on when I am allowed to trigger.

Yikes!

Anyway, just wanted to jump on here and inform you all that AF’s en route. Baseline ultrasound will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, so I’ll post an update with either good or not-so-good news after that appointment. Fingers and toes crossed that I pass with flying colors. Also, time to order the Clomid 50mg.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cuddle with my husband with a heating pad on my tummy and grin through the excruciating pain because obviously I’m happy about this!

Waiting for Aunt Flow

Where I am: CD24
Medications: none
Symptoms: moody, pimply, PMSy


It’s June! It’s June, it’s June, it’s June.

And I am telling you what I am not going to do.

I’m not going to get my hopes up. No, ma’am.

I’ll be honest with you. I want to get pregnant this month. And I feel like it could happen. I heard back from the RE about the dosage of Clomid I’ll be on (50mg, down from 100mg) and after being a little panicked and disheartened (because I hear about how so many don’t respond to 50mg) I was reassured by a select Twitter buddy or two that since I over-responded to 100mg, 50mg should be perfect for me since anything other than IVF requires a maximum of two mature follicles per cycle. I am so hoping this is the case. I am hoping my body and lady bits are okay, and that my baseline will be fine, and that my ovaries will tenderly and reasonably accept the Clomid and produce a few good strong happy follies and I’ll trigger and everything will be great.

But…BUT…I am not holding my breath.

Because I’ve still been achy down there. I’m concerned my ovaries might be a little effed up from the last cycle and possible OHSS. I’m preparing myself for a bad baseline. That I may need to take a cycle off to allow my system and lady bits to normalize. I’m also preparing myself for a poor response to the Clomid, be it under- or overstimulation. It could happen. We are evidently still figuring things out.

But this month is going to be good. I’ve got a lot of happy things going on. It seems every weekend is full of something to do. My niece’s birthday is this weekend, so I’ll be going with her and my sister-in-law to get a mani/pedi (I am SO OVERDUE FOR ONE OF THESE!), maybe a concert with my cousin the weekend after that. In a few weeks, the hubby and I will be spending a weekend in NY for a Swarovski event (don’t ask, haha). At the end of the month, we’ll be attending one of his Iraq battle buddies’ weddings. The next morning, we leave for our vacation. Washington DC for the first half, Virginia Beach for the second.

In December (because, little did we know, Baby Bean had passed weeks before), he had to put in his vacation time with his job and, given that they didn’t have paternity leave, he took his time off around when the baby would be born. Since we thought everything was fine, and everything would go right this time.

Whoops.

July 6th, 2014 is going to be a bitch and a half to get through. To counteract that, we are taking our vacation during that timeframe, instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves because we know why he really has this time off. We should be saving the money (though my parents, as J’s birthday gift, will be paying for most if not all hotel expenses) since we’re buying a house this summer, but we both agreed we deserve the break. We haven’t taken a vacation together since our honeymoon two years ago, so this is well overdue. We deserve to get away, to enjoy the time rather than bemoan it. On the 6th, I will be by the ocean soaking up sunlight and saltwater. I’ll probably be out to dinner with my husband that evening. We will acknowledge our loss, and probably feel sad…and I might even cry (read: probably)…but we are not going to wallow.

So even if we have another cycle cancelled in a row, or are anxiously awaiting the results of the cycle (which, if AF comes this week–and she should because my face looks like a pimple warzone–we could be), we are going to keep our heads up. I am going to keep my head up. I need to keep going with the flow, rolling with the punches, this summer. For the first time since I started grad school in the fall, I’ve been enjoying the weather and my friends and family–and I need to keep that up. TTC be damned. Especially at the end of this month, and the beginning of this month.

Phew. Okay.

In other news, as the title and previous paragraphs suggest, I am waiting for Godot Aunt Flow. My face is breaking out, my emotional stability yesterday was insanely tenuous, and I am CD24. Last cycle was 27 days long (granted, I was on progesterone that time, and the sudden drop in the hormone once I stopped probably helped AF along), so I’m hoping sometime this week will be the day. Whether I pass the baseline or not, I just want to know so I can move on with this month, you know?

I have also decided to take it upon myself to seek a specialist help regarding my thyroid problem. There’s one in the endocrinology department at the office I go to near my apartment, so I’m calling them today after I leave work to set up an appointment. I appreciate and really like Dr. O, but he’s got a lot to worry about. My thyroid, my pituitary, my ovaries, my uterus, blah blah blah. I understand he can’t dedicate all his time to figuring out my thyroid. And honestly, I think having one person focusing all their energy on this problem will be better than him doing it anyway. Less distraction, right? I hope so. I need to do what I need to do to get my rainbow baby.

I’ll check back in later this week, ladies (and gents). Hopefully next time I do, I’ll be in the throes of a new cycle. 🙂

Oh Proper Thyroid Function, Where Art Thou?

Where I am: CD19
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


First of all, an acknowledgement of my most recent post about BFPs in the IF/RPL community. My blog has received 155 192 views from 67 89 visitors just today! The post itself? An astounding 78 88 views!

I mean…WHAT?!

I am flattered. I am touched. I wrote it as a nod to my preggo pals, and instead my blog is imploding from all the attention. Thank you!

Anyway, a small update. I got my thyroid and pituitary results back recently. My prolactin, thankfully, went down from a way too high 38.36 to an almost pregnancy-safe 16.64! So I will continue my half-pill of bromocriptine every night.

My thyroid… *sigh* My TSH went up slightly from 3.08 to 3.29. GRRRRRR! So frustrating, especially since they increased my dose since the last level!

The nurse called me today, and Dr. O wants to put me back on the dosage of levothyroxine I was on last fall (which consequently brought my TSH to an incredibly low level of .19 during my last pregnancy). I asked her whether or not we should have the free T3 and T4 done, and she said no because my level was within normal range.

This frustrated me a little bit. Isn’t the whole point of increasing my dose so that my thyroid levels are closer to pregnancy-safe? Why wouldn’t they want to make sure the tests are accurate??

I’m considering calling back and speaking to someone else…and requesting—or demanding—that I have those other tests done. I’m nervous the TSH alone isn’t being reliable, and the paranoia that my thyroid contributed to both my miscarriages is rampant and I don’t want it to happen again.

Anyway…CD19 today. Inching closer and closer to AF, I hope! Oh, and that reminds me—while I had the nurse on the phone, I had her put in an order with CVS Caremark for my new dosage of Clomid. I’ll probably call on Monday (CD23) and have it delivered the next day so that I have it for the start of my new cycle.

Fingers crossed that 1) AF shows up in a reasonable time, and 2) I clear my baseline ultrasound. I’m still having ovarian tenderness/pain in my abdomen that flares a little sometimes when I pee. I’m nervous the last Clomid cycle and possible OHSS did something to screw up my lady parts. I hope I’m wrong.

Happy Anniversary! And Ovulation!

Where I am: CD17
Medications: none
Symptoms: none


Holy crap, what a weekend!

Let’s start with Friday. My parents were on vacation, so I have been stopping in and checking on the cat every other day or so. This time, J came with me so he could change out the litter (despite my non-pregnant status, we just take precautions…and also, why would I want to change litter?) so we decided to make a night of it. My parents have a huge (I mean huge) 3-D TV that’s got all the bells and whistles (oh the things you can buy when you finally get an empty nest) so we decided to watch a movie and order out for dinner from the local pizza place. We stopped and picked up a six-pack of beer for me on the way. For the most part, the night was good. I had one small meltdown about the weekend, but that was it. The beer made me tired so we came home and went to bed pretty early.

Saturday started out rough. I woke up early due to intense, intense ovarian pain and serious abdominal bloating. It hurt to do anything: cough, sneeze, use my abdominal muscles, to pee or poop, to walk. Every step I took reverberated in my ovaries. Based off of Dr. Google (because he’s sooooo reliable), I self-diagnosed myself with mild OHSS (it makes sense, what with overstimulation and all). I spent the majority of the morning in bed, only to finally force myself out of bed at 11:30 so I could make my hair appointment (with a swing by Dunkies first, of course).

The hair appointment was awesome, as usual. My hairstylist is amazing! Thankfully, she didn’t ask about TTC (since I told her last summer that we were and she’s asked every time ever since) so that was a nice break. I decided to give my hair a break from the crazy-color highlights (since once they fade my hair gets very rough and also it turns grey-white-blonde) and decided on a semi-permanent violet-red that would still give me the purple hues I love but wouldn’t require any bleaching. I told her I was going out to celebrate my anniversary with J, and my hair looked so good they wanted to put it on their “Instaglam” so I got a free curl job (?) out of the deal and got to look all pretty for the rest of the day!

Afterwards I gritted my teeth and, armed with Tylenol and Gatorade for the pain, J and I headed down through Cape traffic to Plymouth. We walked the jetty, all-in-all over a mile, which I think was good for me despite the pain in my tummy. We decided on a place to eat for dinner, and when faced with an hour-long wait to eat inside, we decided to opt for a wait-free table outside (J doesn’t like the cold and it was about 7:00PM by the time we got to the table—I wanted to sit outside from the beginning, he didn’t). We had risotto bites for an appetizer, which were absolutely fabulous. J had steak tips, I had chicken carbonara—both were simply delightful! I also enjoyed not one, but two delicious Hawaiian-tinis and another mixed drink (I forget the name). It’s safe to say I was feeling a good buzz. (I can thank a year-plus of TTC for my now incredibly low tolerance. Hooray, cheap date!)

Sunday morning, we went to brunch and stuffed our faces with all the food we could manage. Eggs, waffles, french toast, sausage, fruit, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, rice, cooked meats, everything! I had a coffee with Frangelico and Bailey’s in it, I believe, followed by yet another martini (you can see I threw alcohol caution to the wind this weekend, well-deserved). We then went to IKEA for a few hours in search of inspiration for the house we’ll be owning by the end of the summer, and then off to work he went and I spent the rest of the day relaxing, drinking a few beers, and watching the X-Men trilogy (it was on TV all weekend and last week and I kept catching snippets of it, which made me want to rewatch them).

Perhaps the second-best part to Sunday, aside from the anniversary time with J, was that I woke up in significantly less pain than Saturday. I was still bloated as all hell (still kind of am, even another two days later), but the pain that came with every movement, cough, sneeze, step…was almost gone. This leads me to believe I ovulated sometime in the past few days and Saturday was the peak of the pain as those 3 or 4+ eggs dropped. Yeesh.

And now it’s Tuesday…I’m back at work after the long weekend, looking forward to a relatively easy week. I have a work function on Wednesday, an in-law outing on Friday. Today is my actual wedding anniversary with J, and tomorrow marks eight years since our first date. Today is also CD17, which means (hopefully) that AF will be coming around in a week or so.

This weekend was really, really good for me. It got me out of the funk from my cancelled cycle. It reminded me that there’s more to my life than TTC. That I am married to an amazing man and I wouldn’t have been able to get this far without him. I know that this feeling of optimism is going to last until the next bad things happens (oh, the roller-coaster continues), but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts. I’m ready for my next cycle.

Go, Team Junebugs! 😉