It’s Just Funny At This Point

Where I am: CD25 (13dpo)—I am not doing pregnancy weeks and days yet because, honestly, I don’t know how the hell to calculate it since I O’d on CD11-13ish
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: peeing, tiredness, aversion to smells (although it could just be that the DC metro elevators smell just that bad)


So yesterday, I get my blood drawn at a Quest Diagnostics. I ask the lady when I’ll get the results, she says probably tomorrow. My RE’s office had asked me to call after I got it done, and I forgot, so that probably didn’t help matters.

The RE calls me early this afternoon while J and I are in the Holocaust Museum (where cell phones are NOT PERMITTED AT ALL) because my nurse is looking for the phone number for the place I went to (and also confirmation that I had the bloodwork done). I call back around 4:00 when we get out and I give the number to another nurse, who doesn’t seem to understand what the hell I’m talking about. I then call Quest myself; the lady tells me that they don’t have the goddamn results because they send the tests to Baltimore and everything is handled from there. She then tells me they should’ve been faxed to my doctor’s office. The first nurse calls back and says she keeps getting disconnected from the number she has for Quest. Since the second nurse didn’t give her the number, I give it to her. She calls me back a moment later and says there’s only a voicemail; Quest is closed for the holiday weekend.

And my results seem to have vanished into thin, fucking, air.

So I just spend out-of-pocket money for a test that will no longer be relevant by the time I get the results, which might be Monday if we can hunt down the people who have them.

O_o

No beta. No reassurance. No nothing. Until I get home, at least.

I may try and get tested again while in VA, but who knows. And who knows how helpful that’ll be.

And then don’t even get me started on the whole leg thing. J’s FMLA stuff is due Tuesday (the day before we get back) and my doctor’s office is saying they can’t complete the paperwork until they see me for the follow-up a week from Monday. And then of course, they don’t know about the pregnancy. So who knows if they can X-ray me. So…I mean…

I’m on vacation, for shit’s sake. Why can’t I relax?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m beyond grateful for this pregnancy and I hope so hard that it sticks. But I need the rest of my life to cooperate. And right now, it’s not. In about a trillion different ways. Hormones aside, I’m freaking the hell out.

#teamjunebug

I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😦

Why I Don’t Mind Seeing BFPs in the Community

I know that, for many, seeing others in the IF/RPL community get BFPs can be hard. As much as we want to support each other, as much as we want to see others succeed, it is still hard to not wonder, Why not me?

And I understand that. I feel it sometimes, too. I see all these women popping up with their BFPs on here and on Twitter and, as soon as the congratulations are out of my mouth, I feel that little pinch of jealousy…of envy…of resentment. What about me?

I’m part of a group on the Baby Bump app I downloaded the week I got my first BFP last year. There are message groups/forums abound on there, and while I haven’t made any everlasting pals on there like I have on here and on Twitter, I do find some comfort there. The group I am a part of was for women starting new TTC cycles in April, and was a small amount of people (less than 20 members) and we all started posting on there. We shared our stories. We shared our symptoms. Most of us shared our BFNs. But two women shared their BFPs. Right off the bat, they were successful and the rest of us were not.

And I felt it again. The old faithful, Why them and not me? Why? WHY? I felt jealous, I felt sadder for myself.

Well, within a week each of announcing their BFPs, both of them miscarried. For one it was her third, for the other—her sixth, and last. She’s given up at this point. It’s too painful for her. She can’t deal with it anymore.

Another person I found here on WordPress earlier this year  just announced last week that she has lost her second pregnancy.

And that, my friends, is why I don’t mind seeing your BFPs. Your pregnancy posts. Your post-pregnancy photos. Because I cried when these three women lost their sweet little could-have-been babes. To see more losses only breaks my heart in a way it doesn’t break when I see others being successful when I’m not. It hurts more.

And it scares me, too. I feel such hope and strength when I watch you ladies being successful on medicated cycles, successful with a viable pregnancy even after so many losses. But when I see someone lose another baby, again, it terrifies me. It makes me wonder, but in a different way: What about me?

What if what happened to them, happens to me…again?

I know everyone is entitled to their opinions. I don’t speak for the whole community. I know that each and every one of us needs to protect our hearts, our sanity, and that means doing what is best for us in the moment. And sure, there may come a day or two when I don’t feel the same temporarily…or, maybe, permanently. But for right now, I love seeing your posts. I love seeing your success. It gives me hope. It gives me the strength to keep trying. It reassures me that sometimes, it does work out. ❤

To Test Trigger, or Not To Test Trigger…

Where I am: CD5
Medication: Clomid, Day 2 of 5
Symptoms: nauseous, dizzy, tired


…that is the question.

Something possessed me on the way home from class the other night. There’s a 24-hour Walgreens right at the base of the hill that leads to my apartment complex, and as I was driving home I just found myself pulling into the parking lot! Walking in the store! Down the aisle for family planning…

…walked out about five minutes later with nearly $80 worth a shameful amount of HPTs.

*insert sad, downward-looking face here*

You should have seen the look on my husband’s face. And then the look of desperation that must have been on my face as I tried to rationalize testing during the 2ww because it means I’ll know when the HCG leaves my system and then in the future I won’t have to test the whole time I’ll just know when it should be out of my system and for God’s sake I just have too much going on and I need to know what’s going on in there, damnit!

So then he took pity on me and agreed. (And then probably plotted a time and place to retreat to in the near future, since I wasn’t even on the Clomid at that point and he was probably thinking “RUN.”)

I’m not sure I can actually give a good, rational reason for wanting to test the trigger. But do I have to?

I have been going back and forth about testing versus not testing for about a week now…

Pros
* being able to possibly watch a pregnancy as it is forming
* knowing sooner than later if you’re not pregnant
* having that little bit of knowledge every day, instead of being in the dark

Cons
* realizing a chemical pregnancy when you otherwise might not
* overthinking every “could-be” second line
* false positives giving false hope

To me, for this first cycle anyway, the pros far outweigh the cons. I fully understand there is a very real possibility that I could have a chemical pregnancy and—as a result of testing—know that I have it…whereas I might not know if I didn’t test. But I feel like there’s still a strong possibility of the beta bloodwork revealing a chemical pregnancy anyway.

I don’t know. With a year of TTC and two missed miscarriages behind me, I have yet to really, truly, be “TTC crazy.” Like I said before, I’ve never charted or temped or OPK’d. I think I can allow myself this one time to be a little loony. Regardless…I held onto the receipt. I think it’ll come right down to the night of the trigger, whether I’ll want to test the next morning or not. Who knows, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be overcome with a sense of calm and not want to test.

Well…okay, probably not. But maybe I won’t test daily at first…and will only test every other day. I don’t know. I can’t decide.

Anyway, these are my thoughts. Patiently awaiting the end of the Clomid, and CD10 for my first follicular ultrasound on Wednesday!