Back to Square One…Again

I really was going to write more today, but I’m too upset to do so.

We put an offer on a house this weekend that we love. More than the other house.

It was $20k above our maximum offer price. We offered. It’s too low. They won’t budge. We can’t budge.

So we’re shit outta luck, once again. Back to the drawing board.

I’ll write more about this later, but I’m getting so tired of this. We’ve seen at least 20, if not 30 houses. I knew buying a house wasn’t easy, but I didn’t realize it would be this hard. I thought just finding the perfect one was the hard part. I didn’t realize actually getting them to sell it to you for your asking price or being chosen over someone else was also difficult.

The stress is getting to me. My husband is gone again for three days. Less than two weeks until I start my new job, less than three weeks before I go back to school. I’m freaking out. But I feel like I say this shit at least once a week. I’m on repeat, over and over.

So I’ll shut up now. I’ll update another day, when I’m not feeling so bitchy and whoremonal. Cripes.

😦

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Getting Back to Normal?

So I know my last post was very abrupt and very pissy. Since then, I’ve had some discussions with J and have had time to try and compartmentalize every insane thing going in our lives, and I’m trying to tackle them item by item. So first, the good news.

After being gone for a total of 14 days, my husband returns home tonight. Continue reading

Ye Old Obligatory Post

Honestly…

I’m not sleeping.

I’m stressed out at work as I have less than three weeks before I transfer to my new permanent full-time position.

The whole house-thing is stuck in limbo until this weekend when J and I will up and out ourselves to look at yet some more candidates.

I’m panicking about the fact that we only have one car, and I start school in less than four weeks.

I’m panicking about my stupid leg, despite the progress I’ve made (it’s never enough, is it?).

So, yeah. I’m tapped. I can’t even type up a real post for y’all. And writing yesterday’s post about Robin Williams really sapped me of a lot of energy, too. Emotional posts can do that to you.

So, here you go. Here’s an absolute shit post in which I just bitch about how tired and stressed I am. I’ve also been without a husband for nearly two weeks, so, that’s not helping matters.

Roll on, Friday. ❤

All I Want for Christmas…Is a House!

Okay, so. Good news to report on the house and mortgage front.

This morning, J and I took some time in the morning to renew our pre-qualification. Silly man that he is, J didn’t have me on the last “application” (I use quotes because it was all done over the phone, and credit checks were done over the internet), so I was nervous that our amount would decrease as I’ve never known my credit score. Ever. I know, that’s probably really bad…but whatever.

Anywho, it doesn’t matter. We were pre-qualified for the same amount he was three months ago. Winner winner, chicken dinner.

This weekend, we are doing our 1st secondary walk-through of a house we liked before vacation with my parents in tow. Also, thankfully, some more houses cropped up on the website we share with our realtor that we are interested in, so…that’s good. I’m hoping we have a good little handful of could-be’s this weekend. The anxiety is getting to me.

By the way, you really should see me on these showing days. Crutching around like a madwoman, going up and down tens of staircases a day on my butt. I’m one determined little cripple.

We also spoke with our landlady about our apartment situation. She is willing to allow us a 3-month extension (after, of course, trying to sneakily persuade us into signing a new one-year lease and not being directly open about all the expenses we would incur…yeah, nice try you “word I won’t say on here”, I had my mom read the lease, you slimy person, you). Of course, our rent is being jacked up $50/month (what the fuck is that about?!) and we will have to pay the new rent until we leave…but…what other choice do we have? Move in with my parents and risk the cats going nuts over it? I’d love to save the money, but…the effort we’d have to go into moving all our stuff out and into a rented pod, and then getting settled in my parents’ house, and sticking the cats in the basement, and then having to move the pod to the new house and unpack it all again…blech.

So, a 3-month extension will extend our lease at our apartment complex until December (with, I believe, an eviction date of January 31st, but I’m not sure). I was wary about doing this, because our landlady was so sneaky about it and I don’t want to be swept into some sketchy deal that has us paying money out the ass for stuff we aren’t made aware of ahead of time. But my mother, and husband, both think it’s the best course of action. So that’s what we’re going with. If we don’t have a house by the time the lease ends, then we’ll move in with my parents and probably wait until spring (and after a certain event, that could or could not happen, happens) to resume our house hunt.

But I don’t think it’ll get that far. In fact, I bet once we sign that 3-month extension, we’ll find a house and have to shell out double mortgage and rent payments for three months for nothing. Just watch. That’s how our life works.

In other news…my leg is better. The muscle cramps and spasms are less. I now sleep with no brace on because the new brace is uncomfortable and the old one immobilizes my leg and causes the muscle spasms to flare up. This means my knee is sore in the morning, but not too much so.

Not much else to report. I’m tired and I’m at work (clearly not working, whoops). Just wanted to update you all on how things are going! A little less stress, but in a way, still kind of the same. Stress that’s no longer needed just replaced by new stress. Hah!

Steady, Freddy…

Where I am: 6w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired almost all the time, boobs sore all the time (feel best in a bra, grumble grumble), nausea, digestive issues, food (and smell) aversions…


I’m sorry it’s been a while. You’ll read what J and I have been up to in the unprotected post.

I’m closing in on 7w already. The symptoms keep me somewhat grounded, but for the most part I am just constantly trying to keep myself calm and distracted. I am slowly creeping up on what I’m dubbing the “Red Zone” (8-12w), which is probably where I will be the most high-strung and psychotic about this pregnancy. Sure, I’ll probably worry all the time, because RPL just does that to you, but I’ve never made it past 9w. And, as you all know, I walked around thinking I had a growing baby in my tummy for nearly a month, only to find out at my NT scan that Baby Bean had passed only days (maybe hours) after my 8w6d scan. Right now…like my good friend ACalmPersistence is, I’m in low gear. Cruising along nice and slow. Just sputtering along, keeping the gears running but not too fast. I think I’m officially in the single digits of days until my 8w ultrasound.

The symptoms are in full-ish swing. My stomach feels crappy pretty much all day, every day. Bowel movements are a joke. I also sometimes get no warning as to when they would like to make an appearance. So that’s fun.

I am pretty sure I wake up at least once every night to pee. The record so far was the other night…it was four or five. Definitely the forerunner for most times in one night.

I know this has zero to do with not having room (because Bug is not taking up any of my breathing space) but I am constantly needing to take deep breaths. Or yawn, to get enough oxygen. I’ve heard this is because of increased blood volume? I take that as a good sign, as well. I’m also exhausted all the time, so…also a reason for the excessive yawning.

I swear, I intend to blog nearly every day, and never get around to doing so. I’m guessing it’s because I’m tired. Because there’s nothing really to blog about, except symptoms. My fear. My intense desire to be in the second trimester already so I can feel the slightest bit of relief.

There is something I do want to talk about. My next appointment…my ultrasound. It’s being done in one of the facilities in Boston, because my RE only works where I live a few days a week for a few hours at a time. He mostly works in Boston, and does a lot of IVF procedures and OB surgeries in other facilities and hospitals around the city (he’s a busy man!), and unless I wanted to wait another week, I had to go my practice’s Boston location.

Which is where I had my last ultrasound on Christmas Eve. The day I found out Baby Bean was gone.

It doesn’t panic me…yet. I know that when we head in on that Friday morning, though, I’ll be freaking out. The good thing is, because of my leg, we’ll be driving and not riding in on the train. Hopefully that makes a difference to my anxiety level. But still…same facility. A week’s worth of time shy of when my last baby’s heart stopped beating. I think it’s safe to say I might suffer some extreme PTSD. But I am going to hope the deepest of hopes that there is a good outcome.

I still feel like this pregnancy isn’t really real yet. I’m still ever waiting for that other shoe to drop. I feel like I am reading a bad book, and I know how it’s going to end, but I keep reading anyway.

That was morbid. And sad. And more depressed-sounding than I intended. I don’t know, I guess this is how I’ll feel for a while. It does suck, to not be able to fully enjoy everything. As much as I feel like we, J and I, are enjoying things. He calls me “pregnant wife” or mentions the baby at least once a day. I guess it’s kind of like a dream. It feels real, and I can be happy in the dream, but there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head like I know I’m dreaming and will inevitably wake up.

I guess that’s the same analogy of the book. Jesus, I’m just going to shut up about it now. I slept 10 hours last night, but I’m still tired. My brain doesn’t want to work. (I was also just on a conference call for two and a half hours. So…there’s that.)

I have more frustrations I’d like to blog about, also password-protected, that aren’t directly pregnancy-related, but that’s for another time when I can emotionally and physically handle actually writing it all out.

For now…I’ll leave you with this. Only 9 days until my next appointment.

YIKES.

Reality Sucks!

So I don’t know what I did yesterday, but my leg hurts. I think I overextended it or something and have aggravated a muscle, since it’s been immobile for so long? Whatever…it hurts. I’m panicking because Dr. Google says that a blood clot can feel like muscle pain, and what with the 4-hour car ride followed by the 6-hour train ride yesterday…and other medical conditions that put me at risk…I am nervous.

Hypochondriac. *sigh*

Work today was rough. Crutching around is exhausting. Thankfully I am working short shifts this week. And thankfully tomorrow is Friday!

But work is hardly my biggest concern. While my boss has been drowning and I have a crapload of shit to work through since I’ve been gone so long, I feel less concerned about it than other things—probably because the job is short-lived. My new job starts in less than two months. I just need to finish this internship and be done.

But the new job…oh God, the new job. And school! And the end of our apartment lease! All of these things will be happening in the first few weeks of September. I don’t even know what we are going to do. I’m hoping I am bearing weight on my leg before I go back to school because I am not crutching around the city. My new job is bound to be stressful, combined with going to school full-time. And then the apartment…we have two options if we don’t put an offer in on a house before September. Actually, we have to make a choice next month. We have to let our landlady know whether we are staying or not. We have two options. 1) Sign a lease for another year and risk either wasting another $15,000+ down the drain for nothing or having to break the lease and pay a penalty. 2) Refuse another lease and either move into a new house by move-out time or move in with my parents.

Moving in with my parents is not desirable. We’d have to get a storage unit for our shit and we would have to figure out how to situate the cats. See, my parents have an old cat that has taken to pooping on the floor randomly whenever he’s really upset. To introduce our cats in that household would probably cause him to start it up again. So what do we do with the cats? Keep them in the basement room alone?? Try and keep them in the spare bedroom with us and away from my parents’ cat?

I told J yesterday, no matter what, we’re not abandoning the cats. We are not giving them to anyone, permanently or temporarily, and we aren’t putting them in a kitty kennel. Forget it. I’d rather sign another lease and break it and pay money out the ass than turn my back on my kitties.

And we still have to deal with the aftermath of the accident.

J returns to work on Sunday night. For the first time since the accident, I’ll be on my own. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I’m not looking forward to being alone five nights out of the week again. But we don’t have a choice. We need the money. Now, more than ever.

I’m sorry, this post turned whiney. I had to write something so I could link to the other post so that you guys can read it. And this is what was on my mind. 😦