Third Beta—WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Where I am: 20dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same


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HOLY SHIT.

There is at least one bug in my belly. If not two.

They called while I was still at work and, because I was going to ask about an ultrasound if the beta was good and also needed to ask about X-rays for my leg, I didn’t answer—zero privacy in my cubicle, and crutches don’t exactly make for quick getaways to the hallway/stairwell.

I listened to the voicemail and it was a nurse I didn’t recognize from a doctor’s office I didn’t recognize. They said my name in the beginning, but I didn’t let myself freak out when she said the beta was over 2,000. I thought, it could be the wrong person. Relax, and call back in a bit.

So my husband came by to pick me up, and I called back explaining my confusion. The nurse said the call was correct, and that the nurse who called me normally worked for the other doctor but was filling in for Dr. O today. I asked for the exact number.

2,717.

I’ve been scheduled for my first ultrasound which should be at or nearly 6 weeks (it’s tough because I ovulated early, so if you go by my LMP I am currently 4w4d…but if you go by ovulation, I’m closer to 5w). It is at 8:30 a week from today, next Thursday.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

I am so excited and happy. And at the same time, I feel like I’m waiting for the fallout. This is so bipolar! It’s like being excited for a party you know is going to be cancelled. But I am trying to be optimistic. This pregnancy and the bug(s) have already defied the odds: the accident, the elevated thyroid, and so on. I’m so hoping I can continue to fight. I’m so hoping this is the one for me. I want nothing but good feelings for the bug(s) to help further the pregnancy. Positive thoughts, positive feelings. My pal bebepaulo over at Unicorns and Baby Dust said something wonderful recently that really resonated with me:

There is so much out there that can get us wrapped into a ball of anxiety. And I want nothing to do with it, no matter how hard the world tries. I think the stress of the betas floored me. And I just can’t. I’m done with that. Anyone with IF has learned they can’t control shit. Even with science on your side, you can’t control shit.

This baby will either grow and be born into arms that loved and fought for it long, long before it was born. Or it won’t. And there’s nothing I can do about it but love it at this very moment.

She said it perfectly. We have so much on our side, science and good doctors and good medicine and everything. But pregnancy is still a mystery. Even in 2014, even with all the technology and knowledge we have now, there are things in the world we still can’t figure out 100%. Pregnancy is one of them. Infertility and pregnancy, in particular.

I need to move forward knowing that I did what I could with the time I was given. I am taking the medications I need, I got the procedures done that were recommended to me, I have been diligent about blood tests and taking care of myself. Sure, ideally, I would’ve liked to have lost more weight than I did, but hey—I’m here now. I’m doing what I can. I’ve done what I can. Nothing left to do but continue to take care of myself, and think as positively as I can. No matter what happens from here, I know I was pregnant again. I know there’s a baby- or babies-to-be in my uterus right now, fighting for life. I love it or them already. And whether it is a singleton or twins, I don’t care. As long as whatever is in there is healthy and stays in there for the next 8 or so months.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m overwhelmed. I’m in disbelief. I’m in awe. I’m in love.

Please stick, baby junebug(s). Please stay with me. ❤

#teamjunebug

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Second Beta, #pgpost, Password Protected Posts, and Holy Shit This Is Real

Where I am: 19dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also either reflux or heartburn, occasional nausea, and a confused stomach


 

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That’s right…my second beta came back at an astounding 881.

Now before you go crying multiples, remember that there was a five day difference there. So it was bound to be a large number. However, I do try to do the math in my head (read: on my phone), and if they double every 48 hours and it was 54 at 12dpo, then it should have been 108 at 14dpo…and then 216 at 16dpo? Is that right?

So yeah, 881 is still a high number. But tomorrow’s third and probably final (they test up until 1,000) beta will tell more. We are obviously looking for at least a 1,600. Continue reading

First Beta, and Second Beta Forthcoming…

Where I am: 17dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: same as before…also moody


zazzle-dot-com1So I am clinically pregnant. My first beta at 12dpo was 54—which, according to some Twitter friends, is apparently good.

I go in for a second this afternoon, results probably by morning. My RE’s office called ahead to make sure Quest has their fax number and knows to STAT it and get the results to them ASAP.

I’m not going to write much more except I am terrified. This just became real. I’ve been living in limbo for days now, feeling like I could come back from this side easily. But not anymore.

Not only was the beta good, but I peed (for the last time, since there is no longer a need) on sticks this morning. Dark positive on Wondfo. Visible positive on FRER. And a “Pregnant 2-3” on a CBD Weeks Estimator.

All signs point to this pregnancy being totally, 100% real.

Which means it could totally, 100% really come crashing down.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the next beta, which obviously will be—should be—way more than doubled since the last was 12dpo and this one is 17dpo.

#teamjunebug

I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😦