Burning the Candle at Both Ends

Where I am: 23w5d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: sore stomach ligaments/muscles, iffy sleep, peeing a lot, crazy appetite yet only able to eat half what I used to, constipation/upset stomach, congestion, hip/back pain, and heartburn has made an appearance…
Movement: every day


I’m in class, and I’m so tired that the only way I’ll stay awake is if I pretend to pay attention and instead write a blog entry.

So, here I am.

Viability this week…I can’t believe it. Of course, the anxiety is creeping back as I get closer to this milestone. There have been SO MANY BABIES born lately: two bloggers on here, both moms to twins, had early births, and two twitterers had preemies as well due to either pre-eclampsia or high blood pressure. All four were C-sections, I believe.

Anyway, my point is, I’ve seen a lot of photos of babies not quite full-term. Some less than 35w. They are scary small. I can’t imagine how a baby survives at less than 30w, forget about at 24w.

*shudders*

So that’s why baby boy is going to stay nice and comfortable in there and just relax. Hang tight. We’ve got, at bare minimum, another 10w to go. My orders. Got it, little one?

Today I’ve had a headache (since yesterday, actually—which leads me to believe it is the weather, but…) and lightheadedness. A twitter pal suggested I go to the doc and get my BP checked…and I intended to go to a CVS or something and check it myself. But a debacle involving my debit card (read: pregnancy brain) made me late leaving work. And I was late to class as it is. So…yeah.

I think it’s sleep deprivation and/or dehydration. Hopefully after tonight I can get some rest.

Only four more weeks after this, of school. A lot to do in that short span of time…but I’ll get there. I will.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. I’ll monitor the headaches/dizziness and if it continues, I’ll go to the doc tomorrow or Wednesday. J and I talked today about how we have to start helping each other out by looking out for the other. Making sure neither of us is overdoing it. Because we both have. And then we are both worried about the other, and…it’s nonsense. So we had an intervention. Time to slow down. Take care of ourselves. Hopefully we stick to it.

I’ll be 24w on Thursday. Next big milestone, in my eyes is Christmas Day—the first day of my third trimester. Holy shitballs.

Just rested my arm on my belly and baby boy gave a BIG kick/punch. I think he wanted me to let you all know he’s good. He says hi. 🙂 ❤

Closing In On the End!

Five weeks. Five weeks left of school. I can do this.

As far as the house goes…well, well, well. We will officially be living there next weekend! This weekend we will go furniture shopping and start unpacking and sorting/putting away the boxes we’ve been bringing over there during the week and the last few weekends. Next week we will pack necessities that we’ve been putting off like dishes and laundry and all that. On Friday, we begin: we will be borrowing my parents’ blow-up mattress and bringing the kitties over. Not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but my kitty (the younger one) has been having separation anxiety and has been getting sick as a result of her anxiety and excitement almost every day. She follows me to the door when I leave, because I’m hardly home during the week and we’ve been spending weekends at the new house. It’s been hard on her. So, we will bring the cats over Friday late afternoon and help them get acclimated. We will stay overnight on the mattress, because I just don’t have the heart to leave them alone in a new place overnight. ❤

Saturday we will pick up a rented U-Haul and begin the Big Move! Our bed, the guest beds, the dining room table, the couches, the dressers and tables, everything. It’s all coming to the house. I’ll probably be there with my mom unpacking and keeping the cats out of harm’s way as my father, J, and whoever else with muscles we can scrap up do the heavy lifting. Sunday will be the extra day to move anything that wasn’t picked up Saturday and hopefully the end of moving all the big shit. From then on, the only reason we’ll be back at the apartment is to pick up what’s left of the small stuff and to get it ready for transfer. We hand in the keys officially on New Year’s Eve but I honestly think if we can get it cleaned and done before Christmas, I may just go to the landlady and be like, “Here. We’re not going to be staying there. You might as well get in there and start doing the shit you need to move someone else in.”

We do have to address the issue of another car. We haven’t bought a new one since the accident since a new car would’ve thrown our mortgage application/closing into serious jeopardy. There is NO WAY I can commute to and from work and get back in time for J to take it to work in the afternoon, every day, with one car. At the apartment, which is less than 10mins away from my work, it was possible. My commute is about to increase by about 30mins. Same with his. One car is not doable.

So we also have that. We have a down payment ready, we just need to go get approved for a new car loan and buy the car.

Phew.

I literally wrote this in like 5mins. I’m taking a short lunch at work today because I came in late and I want to get out as early as possible! I’ll check in as soon as I can…I’m hoping to get the new blog officially up and running by December, which is only a few short weeks away! Whoop!

Later, y’all. And by the way, fellow bloggers, I’ve been reading if not commenting. As usual. I promise. ❤

AHHHHHHHH! IS IT NEXT FRIDAY YET?!

So I’m pretty sure our mortgage was finally sent off for final approval this morning (there are so many levels of “approval,” I’m so bullshit…ugh). My stupid processor never ever ever calls or emails me back, and I waited for over a week to hear back about documents still outstanding! Hi, I’ve never fucking done this before. Want to help me out a smidge?!

And on top of that, the appraiser fucked up big time. I don’t even have the energy or anger-management control to talk about it at the moment. It’s all fine, it’ll all be fine, I think, it just required so many calls on my part trying to get SOMEONE at USAA to talk to me and tell me why they were requesting documentation our lawyer clearly said we didn’t need.

*big sigh*

Closing is a week from today. I’m stressed the fuck out. It’s a three-day weekend and I don’t have class on Monday, and no big written assignments due Tuesday (thank god). I’ll be spending this weekend catching up on HW, packing for the move, and relaxing with my husband (maybe).

Sorry this entry sucks. I just have no time or energy. I can’t even… 😦

Everybody Knows Everything

Where I am: 18w2d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random nausea, constipation, congestion, hip/back pain (seriously is not getting better!), and abdominal tenderness…


photo

My stupid, silly, last-minute photograph half of the announcement. Like the door-stopper in the middle? *sigh*

It all started last weekend. I met up with my cousin and, donned in maternity wear for the public for the first time this pregnancy, off we went shopping for more maternity clothes. We got our nails done (I call them “Lucky Bug” nails) and had Panera for a late lunch. And then it came time to go to my cousin’s house to tell her parents and her two siblings that I was pregnant.

…YIPES.

lucky bug nails

LB nails!

I couldn’t even say the words. We just stood in the kitchen awkwardly smiling and laughing, me with my sweatshirt on and hiding my bump, until my aunt finally guessed. They were happy. I told them about why I’ve kept it secret so long, and my aunt told me I should’ve talked to her as she went through a miscarriage herself (which I knew, but…meh, it’s complicated). My cousin texted her aunt (my not-blood-related uncle’s sister) and then called her grandparents (again, my not-blood-related uncle’s parents) to tell them. Anxiety, yes, for sure, but it all ended fine. I checked LB on the Doppler immediately after and all was well.

Monday night, I decided I was done hiding. Just done. At this point, the stress of everything (not even just the pregnancy but everything else, too) was getting to me and I decided it was a waste to stress about hiding my baby bump or making sure I didn’t answer a phone call from my OB with the door open or WHATEVER. So Tuesday morning I dressed in some new maternity wear, came in, told my boss, told everyone in the office, and done. I had stayed up late the night before, doing HW and typing up the email announcement explaining the last two years and arranging the t-shirts on my stupid apartment wall for the photograph part of the announcement for my dad’s side of the family, and so I sent that out in the afternoon on my lunch break.

And then yesterday, I came out on Instagram and Facebook.

Capture

Coming out, Part 1…

Capture2

…and Coming out, Part 2.

Instagram was a lot easier than Facebook. Facebook took me a while to hit “post.” But I have, and I’m pretty sure this will go down in history as the most liked and commented-on post on my Facebook account…ever. Even more so than my wedding. Lots of nice things said. Only one stupid comment so far but hey, there had to be one, right?

Capture3

Facebook announcement.

It has been an overwhelming week. My hips and back are killing me…between that and everything else going on, I don’t sleep. Be it HW, pain, anxiety, a racing mind…no sleep for me. It’s starting to catch up. I had a meltdown at 4AM this morning…it was not pretty. Raging anger and then uncontrollable sobbing. Poor hubby looked petrified, but he held me while I cried even after I screamed at both him and the cat. I think he’s finally starting to understand that I can’t control some of this shit. Whoremones, man. Christ.

So I honestly meant to write more, but I just got stuck with more work. Never a break with this new job! Three day weekend ahead…HW, packing for the move, spending time relaxing with my husband…that’s all I have planned. Nothing extravagant. Oh, our nephew’s birthday party Sunday morning. Bowling. Not sure I can swing that but hey, I’ll try.

Oh, Hi…

I’m going to break this all down for you as best I can. Who knows how many sittings this will take me to type up, because I’m exhausted and there’s so much going on!

All About the House

Okay…I really want to sit down and tell you guys everything blow-by-blow, but I feel like I’m never going to have the time. So here’s how it went down, in a nutshell:

  • we offered what we thought was our max offering price—found out the next day it was rejected
  • husband owner wanted us to come up only $5k shy of their asking price
  • I spend hours on the phone with my realtor and USAA and got our pre-qualification brought up to cover the extra (if we spent ALL our savings on the down payment)
  • however, upon calling J, he reminded me that we still have a car and have “other” things going on that will require money—I email the realtor that we are walking away
  • our realtor calls the owners to explain that we can’t go that high and that we’re walking away, husband owner keeps her on the phone for a while, debating, debating…
  • realtor comes back to us saying he’ll come down another $6k, which means the ask is only $8k above what we originally offered
  • I call J, he says it sounds good, I call my parents, they say it sounds good (my dad points out we’ll be house poor, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing, just to be aware of it), I call the realtor back to move forward with the offer
  • we draft a new offer, sign and hand over an initial deposit, and on my birthday less than 48 hours later, we receive the signed accepted offer!
  • the owners replace the roof the next day, we schedule the inspection for the following week
  • we receive a packet from USAA with lots of documents in the mail that Saturday, and I spend the next 5-6 days scouring the apartment for documents, requesting them from institutions, signing and sending back the paperwork in the packet, and scanning documents onto the portal online
  • the inspection goes well, the lawyers draft and debate a Purchase and Sales Agreement, which we sign and hand over along with a second (much larger!) deposit a week and a half after receiving the initial signed offer
  • with the P&S signed, USAA is cleared to move forward with the appraisal (which was done yesterday)

That’s where we stand now. It’s been a whirlwind…I can’t believe it’s only been about two weeks since we were all able to come to an agreement. And we still have a little over a month to go until closing on October 17th! Sheesh!

The New Job

My first week has been insane! I stepped in right at the tail end of a cycle of documents. Everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off and I’m just stepping in whenever I can to help. It’s been crazy. But I am so so glad to be in the publishing world, doing what I do best. It feels good.

The travel situation is something to be desired. I haven’t handed in my “I’m medically allowed to drive” paperwork to the DMV yet so my husband has been driving me. And even when I can drive myself, I still have to wake up at 5:50 in order to be at work from 7:00-3:00 to work my full salaried hours and have the car home in time for J to make it to work in Boston by 4:00. Blech.

A New School Year?!

I start school on Monday! Shit!

I am nervous. I haven’t been sleeping well, and with everything going on, I’m trying to imagine how crazy things will get once I add hours and hours of schoolwork to the mix. Some moments I feel like I may be in a little over my head…but I think I can do it. I can. I’m the queen of multitasking. Heh.

More Healing and Progress

I saw my orthopedist this week and got the best news: no more appointments, no more crutches, no more x-rays, no physical therapy needed! I had one last x-ray at my appointment and the base of the fracture is nearly indiscernible, with the part leading out to the edge of the bone still evident but much more faint than the last x-ray. All evidence of good healing. I’ll continue to do as much walking as I can, take it easy on stairs for the next month, continue taking my Vitamin D/Calcium supplements, and over all be gentle with it for the next 4-6 months as the bones continue and finish healing. I am to send him an email or call him in the next month to let him know how I’m doing. Emails and phone calls are all that will be necessary from here on out barring any complications that I report!

HALLELUJAH!

It only took all summer, right? 😛

And Everything Else…

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs as of late. Honestly, I go days without reading now (which, to be honest, is crazy—I used to read every day, and even get upset when there were no new posts to occupy me in my boredom! HAH!) and I catch up every couple of days. I try to comment when I can. Know that I’m still following all of your stories.

So many of you have had BFPs recently and I am thinking good positive sticky thoughts for all of you! Still others have suffered miscarriages in some form or another, and I’m thinking of you and hurting for you. Sending you all my love. For those in the 2ww, I’m pulling for you! For those of you starting new cycles, and there are quite a few…good luck! I love you all.

I’m a Little Stressed

I’m too busy to write a real entry, seriously. I’m desperately trying to get together paperwork and scanning it into USAA so they can continue processing our loan application. I want to get as much done as early as possible, as the inspection is first thing tomorrow morning at 8:30. It’s about a 20min drive, so we’ll be up before 6:30, if not earlier. Oi!

So yes. I’m a bit stressed. And I have zero time for blogging.

I’ll be back later! Maybe later this week, maybe not.

O_o

I Hope You Can Hear Me When I Say I Love You and Don’t Ever Leave

Where I am: 11w4d
Medications: Crinone (single-digit countdown until the last day I take this)
Symptoms: still tired, still sore boobs, still nausea, still slow digestion, still food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, still congestion, still constipation


I still have symptoms. I guess I still feel pregnant.

And yet, that doesn’t stop the paralyzing fear about tomorrow.

I just keep thinking about Christmas Eve. I know, it’s not the same. I know this pregnancy has progressed much, much better than my pregnancy with Baby Bean. I know that I’ve already surpassed where I was that time. Lucky Bug is a fighter. So strong, defying the odds. Come hell or high water, this little one has kept going.

But I cannot stop thinking about that day.

I think about that moment when the technician turns on the machine, and the picture shows up on that giant wall monitor. I’m scared of what I’ll see. I’m scared I won’t see an 11w5d fetus, but something smaller. Underdeveloped. Without a heartbeat. I’m scared of that deafening silence of the technician. I’m scared of the questions about my LMP, and the gestational age at the last scan. I’m scared of the dreaded “I need to consult with a doctor, I’ll be right back” line. I’m scared of the moment one of them reaches out their hand and touches mine, gently, to tell me my baby has died.

And I know…I really do, I know. I have to be positive. And I’m not saying that’s what I’m expecting. In fact, a small part of me is hoping—and expecting—to see a healthy LB in there. Based on how I’ve been feeling. But that’s the problem. I’ve found a part of myself has slipped into that sense of comfort, into that sense of maybe everything will be okay. It was so hard not to say anything to my brother and his girlfriend today at her graduation party. I asked my brother if he had any free time next weekend, and of course he gave me the runaround. They’re going away, he’s got to work, yadda yadda yadda. Completely unaware of how desperate I am to sit them down and tell them of the last nearly two years. Of the heartbreak we’ve been through, the struggle. And of the good, of our little LB.

This is what terrifies me. How desperate I feel in wanting to make this real. In wanting to make this different.

I got a gift certificate from The Paper Store for my birthday, and since we’re on a money crunch, I used it to buy a card and a gift for my brother’s girl (and some other things). I made it to the checkout and commented to J that it kind of stunk that I was using my birthday gift certificate on someone else and not even anything for me! He told me to go pick something out…so I picked out a onesie. Green, with the Red Sox logo on it. Similar to the jersey I got for myself for the infamous Saint Patty’s Day/birthday party where I found out about my friend’s close-to-mine pregnancy. LB is due March 11th, which means s/he could be around for that holiday. If s/he is, I’ll be dressing him or her in that onesie.

And what a difference a year will make.

So if you came into this post thinking I was filled with dread…you’re wrong. I’m filled with hope. Which is possibly more terrifying than dread. Because I am going to lose that much more of myself if tomorrow goes poorly.

I’m going to try my best to sleep tonight. I unfortunately need to wake up early so I can work from home a few hours, as my appointment is at 10:00AM. There’s no point in waking J to drive me to work for 2 hours, just to pick me up and bring me to my appointment, just to drive me back to work, and then pick me up another four hours later. So I am hoping to keep busy with work, as I have things I need to get done.

So I leave you with this: my sweet little Bug, I hope you can hear me in there. I want you to know how much I love you. I want you to know how badly I don’t want you to leave me. I hope you’re safe and thriving in there. We can’t wait for you to be with us, but we can wait. I want you to know that. We can wait another six months for you. We’ve waited this long for you already. So you stay in there as long as you need, and we’ll be here. I love you. Don’t leave me.