AHHHHHHHH! IS IT NEXT FRIDAY YET?!

So I’m pretty sure our mortgage was finally sent off for final approval this morning (there are so many levels of “approval,” I’m so bullshit…ugh). My stupid processor never ever ever calls or emails me back, and I waited for over a week to hear back about documents still outstanding! Hi, I’ve never fucking done this before. Want to help me out a smidge?!

And on top of that, the appraiser fucked up big time. I don’t even have the energy or anger-management control to talk about it at the moment. It’s all fine, it’ll all be fine, I think, it just required so many calls on my part trying to get SOMEONE at USAA to talk to me and tell me why they were requesting documentation our lawyer clearly said we didn’t need.

*big sigh*

Closing is a week from today. I’m stressed the fuck out. It’s a three-day weekend and I don’t have class on Monday, and no big written assignments due Tuesday (thank god). I’ll be spending this weekend catching up on HW, packing for the move, and relaxing with my husband (maybe).

Sorry this entry sucks. I just have no time or energy. I can’t even… 😦

Everybody Knows Everything

Where I am: 18w2d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random nausea, constipation, congestion, hip/back pain (seriously is not getting better!), and abdominal tenderness…


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My stupid, silly, last-minute photograph half of the announcement. Like the door-stopper in the middle? *sigh*

It all started last weekend. I met up with my cousin and, donned in maternity wear for the public for the first time this pregnancy, off we went shopping for more maternity clothes. We got our nails done (I call them “Lucky Bug” nails) and had Panera for a late lunch. And then it came time to go to my cousin’s house to tell her parents and her two siblings that I was pregnant.

…YIPES.

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LB nails!

I couldn’t even say the words. We just stood in the kitchen awkwardly smiling and laughing, me with my sweatshirt on and hiding my bump, until my aunt finally guessed. They were happy. I told them about why I’ve kept it secret so long, and my aunt told me I should’ve talked to her as she went through a miscarriage herself (which I knew, but…meh, it’s complicated). My cousin texted her aunt (my not-blood-related uncle’s sister) and then called her grandparents (again, my not-blood-related uncle’s parents) to tell them. Anxiety, yes, for sure, but it all ended fine. I checked LB on the Doppler immediately after and all was well.

Monday night, I decided I was done hiding. Just done. At this point, the stress of everything (not even just the pregnancy but everything else, too) was getting to me and I decided it was a waste to stress about hiding my baby bump or making sure I didn’t answer a phone call from my OB with the door open or WHATEVER. So Tuesday morning I dressed in some new maternity wear, came in, told my boss, told everyone in the office, and done. I had stayed up late the night before, doing HW and typing up the email announcement explaining the last two years and arranging the t-shirts on my stupid apartment wall for the photograph part of the announcement for my dad’s side of the family, and so I sent that out in the afternoon on my lunch break.

And then yesterday, I came out on Instagram and Facebook.

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Coming out, Part 1…

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…and Coming out, Part 2.

Instagram was a lot easier than Facebook. Facebook took me a while to hit “post.” But I have, and I’m pretty sure this will go down in history as the most liked and commented-on post on my Facebook account…ever. Even more so than my wedding. Lots of nice things said. Only one stupid comment so far but hey, there had to be one, right?

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Facebook announcement.

It has been an overwhelming week. My hips and back are killing me…between that and everything else going on, I don’t sleep. Be it HW, pain, anxiety, a racing mind…no sleep for me. It’s starting to catch up. I had a meltdown at 4AM this morning…it was not pretty. Raging anger and then uncontrollable sobbing. Poor hubby looked petrified, but he held me while I cried even after I screamed at both him and the cat. I think he’s finally starting to understand that I can’t control some of this shit. Whoremones, man. Christ.

So I honestly meant to write more, but I just got stuck with more work. Never a break with this new job! Three day weekend ahead…HW, packing for the move, spending time relaxing with my husband…that’s all I have planned. Nothing extravagant. Oh, our nephew’s birthday party Sunday morning. Bowling. Not sure I can swing that but hey, I’ll try.

Kitties, Houses, and Homework! Oh My!

Second, an update on kitty! She is doing much, much better. When we brought her home she kept going to the litterbox and straining to poop or pee (not sure), and barely anything came out but blood. 😦 It was so sad. They gave us antibiotics, pain medicine, and anxiety medicine. The first two were liquid and came with syringes. The third was originally a topical for her ear but after some discussion with the vet, she took it back and gave us pills as the topical was too high-risk for me. I started off trying to give kitty the anxiety half-pill in a pill pocket…nope. Mushed between two regular treats…nope. Straight in her mouth…NOPE. Long story short, she hasn’t had a single pill.

The liquid was a lot easier. Every day, she got the antibiotics twice and the pain meds at least once (I tried to space them out to prevent stomach upset). The day after the vet visit, she was so lethargic and not herself that I actually cried because I was so worried for her. She couldn’t use the bathroom, she wouldn’t get up to greet us when we came in the room, she barely purred. It was heartbreaking.

The weekend, though, started the turnaround. She started peeing and pooping, a little. She perked up a bit when we came in the room. She started purring again. She started eating more (before, she was barely eating a 1/4 cup of her new “special” diet/kidney stone food a day). Earlier this week, she only got better and better. Her litterbox is now full. I have weaned her off the pain meds. Her antibiotics should end today. And she finally seems like herself again.

Giving her the medicine has been hard. I did it on my own the first two times, but once J was able to help, it got better. She still hated it. Still hates it. I wish there was a way for me to tell her this is going to help her.

We have to bring her back the vet sometime next week, which…I’m dreading. I’m afraid of 1) the visit bill (last week’s was $600), 2) finding out she needs surgery, and 3) the potential surgery bill (they said at least $1,600). With the closing looming over our heads, using a credit card is out of the question and we are really trying to save all the money we can as we approach that day and the final large deposit to complete the down payment. Yeesh.

Plus, I don’t want her to have surgery. Too sad, too scary. 😦

The vet did say her white blood cells were a bit high and her lymphocytes low (maybe the other way around, I forget), but that they thought it was from stress. They said very rarely that could be indicative of cancer. Ugh. But the rest of her bloodwork came back fine, so…fingers crossed.

Speaking of the vet and bills and money and the closing…TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY!! Holy shit. I realized how soon it was the other day and practically had a panic attack. I’m nervous we don’t have all the documents we need, I’m nervous something is going to go wrong…I have to transfer the money from my Fidelity account ASAP to our joint checking in preparation for the deposit remainder. Yikes. And then there’s the whole, “we’re going to own a house” thing and all that. Kind of a big deal.

School is an absolute nightmare. Don’t get me wrong: I love my school, I love my program, and I love what I’m learning. But with everything going on…I can barely concentrate. Mondays and Tuesdays are class nights, Wednesdays I am too exhausted to do any homework, and Thursdays…well, so far, I haven’t been able to motivate myself to do homework yet on Thursdays. So then I do some Friday, some Saturday, and then the entire day Sunday. I wear myself out before I head off to work Monday morning, and Monday is a long day. So is Tuesday. AHHHHH.

I have decided I am no longer resenting my decision to take next semester off. This is too hard. Too much stuff going on. I just need to get through these next few months. Roll on, December!

I’ll try to check in again next week. 🙂 ❤

Sorry, Y’all…Life’s Happening

Where I am: 17w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning), waking up at least 3-4x in the night to pee…


I’m 17w today.

Where has the time gone…

True story: I am so excited/anxious about the anatomy ultrasound (when we find out the sex, too!) which is two weeks from Monday that I forgot I have a CNM appointment tomorrow morning. HAH. My trusty countdown on my blog reminded me just a moment ago.

When did I get to the point when I don’t count down the hours to every appointment??

Probably when I got the Doppler. Ahhhh, Dopplers are the best. Sure, they don’t tell me if LB is growing or not genetically abnormal or basically really anything…but it reassures me she’s still alive in there. That’s all I need. I almost don’t remember what it was like living appointment to appointment just to find out if I was still pregnant with a living baby.

Speaking of the Doppler, that once-every-five-days rule isn’t working out for me so well. The round ligament pain is just soooooo intense sometimes, the anxiety gets to me, and I’m already stressed to the max with everything non-baby-related that it sincerely worries me to have my heart racing in fear all the time. But I am not using it every day, and whenever I use it, I shut it off less than a minute after hearing the heartbeat. While I’d love to sit there and listen for hooouuuurrrssss, I don’t want to harm or irritate LB. Plus, she’s so easy to find! I swear, she hasn’t moved from my lower right side since about 13w. I find it within a minute, and I shut it off within a minute from there. I get my reassurance that all is well. That heart is still beating. And that’s good enough for me.

Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. RLP is a bitch, the hip and back pain doesn’t seem to be consistently getting worse as I thought it was, but it flares up something awful every few days. Getting out of bed to pee is basically torture. I hope this is a sign LB is growing at an appropriate rate and my poor pelvis and everything else in my abdomen is just protesting to having to share the space. 😉

I’m definitely showing. 100%. Hiding at work is getting miserable. I’m wearing non-work-appropriate clothing (i.e. sweatshirts) to try and hide it but…such futile efforts. My boss still doesn’t know but that has more to do with being busy as shit than anything else.

Still haven’t announced. In fact, I’ve barely worked on it! Haven’t had the time! My cousin and I are hanging out this weekend and I think she’s going to help me put it together. I’m telling her family on Saturday (my aunt and uncle and my other two cousins) and that’s a big step because my aunt is going to become obsessed with it and maaayyyy say a stupid thing or two. But, I’m hoping she won’t.

So my goals for this weekend/next week are to get the announcement put together and get it out there. I’ll probably announce on Facebook/Instagram/etc the week after that. Maybe sooner, depending how I feel. The bottom line is, it’s time to get this little bug’s existence known. I’m probably going to have the biggest panic attack after hitting send on this email to the rest of my family, but…I’m almost halfway through my 5th month. It’s time. And I can check in on LB whenever I want, and soon enough I’ll be feeling kicks that’ll make me feel even better about things.

Also, apparently, October is “Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month” (I’ve seen a lot on October 15th specifically, so, I’ll be lighting a candle for my lost babies on that day particularly). I think it’s fitting that LB will become known to the general public this month, and that I’ll be coming out about the last two years.

Oh gosh, there’s so much I need to say in this post and I’m afraid I’ll forget.

Okay, first, since I just mentioned it: my announcement. I know some people who’ve announced/come out at the same time and didn’t want to spend too much time discussing their losses at the same time because this time is their rainbow baby’s time. While I really want it to be all about LB and celebrating that life that’ll be arriving in less than five months (WHAT?!), I also feel like…like this. LB is going to be celebrated every day for the rest of her life. By me, by J, by our families, by friends. Meanwhile, my two lost babies haven’t had any acknowledgement from anyone but the two of us and a smattering of people. And even then, those people don’t talk about my losses anymore, because it’s easier to talk about LB, and because “now I have LB, now this pregnancy is going well.” I mean, shit, BB had a heartbeat and was moving around inside me and had arms and legs and a cute little head. My little bean-shaped baby. And no recognition whatsoever. It makes me sad.

So, yes, I think my announcement will be about 50/50. I think I want to spend time reflecting and letting friends and family know that, yes, there were two before. They are just as important to me as LB. I will always treasure them. And their short lives should be known, and celebrated. Just like LB. Just because they were taken from me before they could see this world doesn’t mean they matter less than LB does.

So yeah. That’s what my announcement will be like. A celebration and an acknowledgement of all my babies.

The other thing I definitely wanted to talk about was, and I wasn’t even going to say anything on here, but I will, I think I might’ve felt movement. Not kicks, but like…a flutter. On my lower right side as I was falling asleep, last week. Not sure I’ve felt anything since. And I can’t even know if it was movement. But I think I felt something. Just a little hello from my sweet bug.

Let’s see…what else. I have such little time to update! Ugh! Stupid busy days at work.

I dunno. Announcement-making (and maybe sending) this weekend. Also more maternity clothes shopping (need comfy work-appropriate pants!) and maybe baby stuff shopping with my cousin? And maybe getting my nails done. And a shitload of homework, but that’s for the public post.

Okay. I think I’m done. I’ll try to come back soon. New blog still not launch-ready. Life is happening, people. Life is happening and I can’t keep up.

(By the way, many of you, on here and on Twitter, are either dealing with uneasy betas or grueling 2ww’s or difficult pregnancies. I’ve been reading and keeping up with all your stories. I’m sorry if I haven’t commented as much…but know I think of you all, daily. ❤ )

(And for those of you pregnant and moving right along (I’m talking to YOU, wtfovaries!), holy shit. Where has the time gone for YOU?! Craziness, I say. Craziness. 🙂 )

Just a Quick Update On My Lunch Break

Today started off pretty crappy. J’s cat is either bleeding in her pee or poop…I called the vet first thing when they opened and he brought her in for a 9:40 appointment after dropping me off at work. As far as I know, she’s overweight (by 2lbs), her bladder was small on x-rays (god, I can’t even think about how they probably had to strap her down, I’ll cry again) so they need to give her fluids to see it better, and they can’t tell if the bleeding is rectal or urinary. She needs to stay for observation. They’re going to clean her up (the blood/wetness down there) and trim back her fur, which has become more matted in the last week or two. I thought it was just her fur acting up as it sometimes does, because she has long-ish hair, but now I’m wondering if she’s been sick and not cleaning herself.

I wish I could’ve gone to the vet with my husband.  He loves that cat. He got her after returning from Iraq and when in transition with his shitty ex-girlfriend, so they’re so attached to each other. Don’t know what we’ll do if something serious is wrong. 😦

Work is crazy. School is crazy.

Our mortgage was approved. As long as we get the rest of the documents needed before closing on October 17th, we’ll be homeowners. Hoooooly crap.

And that’s about it. I don’t have time for much else. Doing my best to keep up with all of you! Love you all.