Where I am: 18w2d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random nausea, constipation, congestion, hip/back pain (seriously is not getting better!), and abdominal tenderness…
It all started last weekend. I met up with my cousin and, donned in maternity wear for the public for the first time this pregnancy, off we went shopping for more maternity clothes. We got our nails done (I call them “Lucky Bug” nails) and had Panera for a late lunch. And then it came time to go to my cousin’s house to tell her parents and her two siblings that I was pregnant.
I couldn’t even say the words. We just stood in the kitchen awkwardly smiling and laughing, me with my sweatshirt on and hiding my bump, until my aunt finally guessed. They were happy. I told them about why I’ve kept it secret so long, and my aunt told me I should’ve talked to her as she went through a miscarriage herself (which I knew, but…meh, it’s complicated). My cousin texted her aunt (my not-blood-related uncle’s sister) and then called her grandparents (again, my not-blood-related uncle’s parents) to tell them. Anxiety, yes, for sure, but it all ended fine. I checked LB on the Doppler immediately after and all was well.
Monday night, I decided I was done hiding. Just done. At this point, the stress of everything (not even just the pregnancy but everything else, too) was getting to me and I decided it was a waste to stress about hiding my baby bump or making sure I didn’t answer a phone call from my OB with the door open or WHATEVER. So Tuesday morning I dressed in some new maternity wear, came in, told my boss, told everyone in the office, and done. I had stayed up late the night before, doing HW and typing up the email announcement explaining the last two years and arranging the t-shirts on my stupid apartment wall for the photograph part of the announcement for my dad’s side of the family, and so I sent that out in the afternoon on my lunch break.
And then yesterday, I came out on Instagram and Facebook.
Instagram was a lot easier than Facebook. Facebook took me a while to hit “post.” But I have, and I’m pretty sure this will go down in history as the most liked and commented-on post on my Facebook account…ever. Even more so than my wedding. Lots of nice things said. Only one stupid comment so far but hey, there had to be one, right?
It has been an overwhelming week. My hips and back are killing me…between that and everything else going on, I don’t sleep. Be it HW, pain, anxiety, a racing mind…no sleep for me. It’s starting to catch up. I had a meltdown at 4AM this morning…it was not pretty. Raging anger and then uncontrollable sobbing. Poor hubby looked petrified, but he held me while I cried even after I screamed at both him and the cat. I think he’s finally starting to understand that I can’t control some of this shit. Whoremones, man. Christ.
So I honestly meant to write more, but I just got stuck with more work. Never a break with this new job! Three day weekend ahead…HW, packing for the move, spending time relaxing with my husband…that’s all I have planned. Nothing extravagant. Oh, our nephew’s birthday party Sunday morning. Bowling. Not sure I can swing that but hey, I’ll try.
Where I am: 17w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, crampiness, not sleeping well, sore boobs/nipples, random occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning), waking up at least 3-4x in the night to pee…
I’m 17w today.
Where has the time gone…
True story: I am so excited/anxious about the anatomy ultrasound (when we find out the sex, too!) which is two weeks from Monday that I forgot I have a CNM appointment tomorrow morning. HAH. My trusty countdown on my blog reminded me just a moment ago.
When did I get to the point when I don’t count down the hours to every appointment??
Probably when I got the Doppler. Ahhhh, Dopplers are the best. Sure, they don’t tell me if LB is growing or not genetically abnormal or basically really anything…but it reassures me she’s still alive in there. That’s all I need. I almost don’t remember what it was like living appointment to appointment just to find out if I was still pregnant with a living baby.
Speaking of the Doppler, that once-every-five-days rule isn’t working out for me so well. The round ligament pain is just soooooo intense sometimes, the anxiety gets to me, and I’m already stressed to the max with everything non-baby-related that it sincerely worries me to have my heart racing in fear all the time. But I am not using it every day, and whenever I use it, I shut it off less than a minute after hearing the heartbeat. While I’d love to sit there and listen for hooouuuurrrssss, I don’t want to harm or irritate LB. Plus, she’s so easy to find! I swear, she hasn’t moved from my lower right side since about 13w. I find it within a minute, and I shut it off within a minute from there. I get my reassurance that all is well. That heart is still beating. And that’s good enough for me.
Not much else to report in pregnancy-land. RLP is a bitch, the hip and back pain doesn’t seem to be consistently getting worse as I thought it was, but it flares up something awful every few days. Getting out of bed to pee is basically torture. I hope this is a sign LB is growing at an appropriate rate and my poor pelvis and everything else in my abdomen is just protesting to having to share the space. 😉
I’m definitely showing. 100%. Hiding at work is getting miserable. I’m wearing non-work-appropriate clothing (i.e. sweatshirts) to try and hide it but…such futile efforts. My boss still doesn’t know but that has more to do with being busy as shit than anything else.
Still haven’t announced. In fact, I’ve barely worked on it! Haven’t had the time! My cousin and I are hanging out this weekend and I think she’s going to help me put it together. I’m telling her family on Saturday (my aunt and uncle and my other two cousins) and that’s a big step because my aunt is going to become obsessed with it and maaayyyy say a stupid thing or two. But, I’m hoping she won’t.
So my goals for this weekend/next week are to get the announcement put together and get it out there. I’ll probably announce on Facebook/Instagram/etc the week after that. Maybe sooner, depending how I feel. The bottom line is, it’s time to get this little bug’s existence known. I’m probably going to have the biggest panic attack after hitting send on this email to the rest of my family, but…I’m almost halfway through my 5th month. It’s time. And I can check in on LB whenever I want, and soon enough I’ll be feeling kicks that’ll make me feel even better about things.
Also, apparently, October is “Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Month” (I’ve seen a lot on October 15th specifically, so, I’ll be lighting a candle for my lost babies on that day particularly). I think it’s fitting that LB will become known to the general public this month, and that I’ll be coming out about the last two years.
Oh gosh, there’s so much I need to say in this post and I’m afraid I’ll forget.
Okay, first, since I just mentioned it: my announcement. I know some people who’ve announced/come out at the same time and didn’t want to spend too much time discussing their losses at the same time because this time is their rainbow baby’s time. While I really want it to be all about LB and celebrating that life that’ll be arriving in less than five months (WHAT?!), I also feel like…like this. LB is going to be celebrated every day for the rest of her life. By me, by J, by our families, by friends. Meanwhile, my two lost babies haven’t had any acknowledgement from anyone but the two of us and a smattering of people. And even then, those people don’t talk about my losses anymore, because it’s easier to talk about LB, and because “now I have LB, now this pregnancy is going well.” I mean, shit, BB had a heartbeat and was moving around inside me and had arms and legs and a cute little head. My little bean-shaped baby. And no recognition whatsoever. It makes me sad.
So, yes, I think my announcement will be about 50/50. I think I want to spend time reflecting and letting friends and family know that, yes, there were two before. They are just as important to me as LB. I will always treasure them. And their short lives should be known, and celebrated. Just like LB. Just because they were taken from me before they could see this world doesn’t mean they matter less than LB does.
So yeah. That’s what my announcement will be like. A celebration and an acknowledgement of all my babies.
The other thing I definitely wanted to talk about was, and I wasn’t even going to say anything on here, but I will, I think I might’ve felt movement. Not kicks, but like…a flutter. On my lower right side as I was falling asleep, last week. Not sure I’ve felt anything since. And I can’t even know if it was movement. But I think I felt something. Just a little hello from my sweet bug.
Let’s see…what else. I have such little time to update! Ugh! Stupid busy days at work.
I dunno. Announcement-making (and maybe sending) this weekend. Also more maternity clothes shopping (need comfy work-appropriate pants!) and maybe baby stuff shopping with my cousin? And maybe getting my nails done. And a shitload of homework, but that’s for the public post.
Okay. I think I’m done. I’ll try to come back soon. New blog still not launch-ready. Life is happening, people. Life is happening and I can’t keep up.
(By the way, many of you, on here and on Twitter, are either dealing with uneasy betas or grueling 2ww’s or difficult pregnancies. I’ve been reading and keeping up with all your stories. I’m sorry if I haven’t commented as much…but know I think of you all, daily. ❤ )
(And for those of you pregnant and moving right along (I’m talking to YOU, wtfovaries!), holy shit. Where has the time gone for YOU?! Craziness, I say. Craziness. 🙂 )
Where I am: 15w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, tired, not sleeping well, sore boobs, mild occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning)
I started writing a post a while back (when I was halfway through 13w), and then got too busy to continue. I’m cutting out the irrelevant shit and just posting the stuff that’s update-ish…
“I saw my OB the other day. She was super nice. She asked how the pregnancy has been going, what symptoms I’ve been having, and so on. I asked all the questions I could think of at the moment. We discussed my weight…when I first started coming in for appointments, I was guesstimating my weight as I was on crutches and in the brace and they didn’t make me hop on the scale. I gave them what I weighed at the end of June, beginning of July. But of course, that was before my third fertility treatment cycle. Before the accident and being stuck on my ass for two months. Given that I was still guesstimating at the beginning of August, and now I can actually step on the scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs in a month.
Which, I guess on its own doesn’t look bad. But gaining 7lbs a month would be disastrous. And considering I’m already overweight, I’m supposed to gain less weight than a normal weight woman would. Oi.
But the OB was understanding. I have extenuating circumstances and there’s no way to know how much I really weighed back in July/August. Honestly, I could’ve been 3-4lbs heavier than I thought and I’ve actually only gained a few pounds since becoming pregnant. Either way, my weight is being documented now, so we will keep an eye on it. Especially now that the nausea is settling down, what with no more Crinone and being in the second trimester, I may be prone to eating more than I have. Need to watch it!
We listened to the heartbeat again, which was just amazing. She tried the center and then left side of my uterus first, and apparently LB was hanging out on my right side. I can’t tell you how hard my heart was pounding when it took so long for her to hear it. But the best part is now that LB is bigger, the heartbeat comes through much louder and clearer. It’s wonderful. And it was just the reassurance I needed to feel confident that yes, I have made it to the second trimester intact and yes, LB is a little warrior.
I found out that this OB won’t be my delivering doctor unless I have a C-section. That was kind of a bummer. I guess I don’t understand 100% how this whole thing works yet. They said it’s possible I could meet the team from which my doctor would be chosen. I have the choice to either do a midwife or an obstetrician. When I asked about the CNM I’ve been working with since my last pregnancy, the nurse told me I could come to her closer to my due date and she could see if my CNM’s schedule would line up with the due date. I need to research the differences between a CNM and an OB when it comes to delivery, and of course it will all come down to whether the baby is engaged on time and if I have complications or not. But if I could have the midwife I’ve been seeing deliver my baby, I would be ecstatic. In fact, I’ve already latched onto the idea pretty fiercely…I foresee a meltdown if I find out she’s not available. Whoops. She’s just so calming and I feel so comfortable with her.
So much to think about. Yikes.”
So, that’s what I wrote a few weeks ago…
I am still waiting for my Doppler. Stupid mailman. Stupid delay. It better not have been stolen off my stoop or something stupid. I mean, who the fuck wants a Doppler? So I’ve had increasing anxiety every day for the last two weeks. If it doesn’t arrive Friday, I’ll be going to see the CNM next week to put my mind at ease.
I’ve been super busy. School, work, house stuff, pregnancy stuff. It’s been a challenge. I haven’t much felt up to writing.
And on the flip side, I’m struggling with this blog. When I come on here, onto my blog I mean, I’m reminded of my past. I’m reminded of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Loss. Miscarriage. Loneliness. Fear. Depression. That’s what I associate this blog with. Treatments. Waiting. Let-downs. And the treacherous first trimester of this pregnancy, spending every day walking on thin ice, feeling like it could all be over in the span of one heartbeat.
And I will never forget my losses. I will never forget the pain of that first pregnancy, the one that never got past an empty sac. My first experience of a type of loss I can’t compare to any other type of loss in my life. And I will never forget Baby Bean. Seeing the heartbeat. Seeing that scan at nearly 9w, little flickers of movement. That Christmas Eve morning when my world came crashing down a second time, harder and faster than before. What July 6th will always mean to me. I think for many, many years to come, possibly my whole life, I will remember that date. Probably silently. And I think it will hurt a little less every year. It’ll never stop hurting. But maybe it’ll hurt less. It already does.
But I need to separate most of myself from that part of my life. I need a fresh start. I need to start connecting to Lucky Bug, and directing my positive energy towards him or her. I need to start getting ready to be a family. I need to distance myself, to an extent, from my past with RPL and IF.
I’ve been sporadic when it comes to reading blogs. Well, I guess I’ve been reading them all. I don’t comment as much. It’s hard for me to read some of them. It’s hard to look toward the future and bond with my baby when I keep traveling down that dangerous post-traumatic road every time I read some of these blogs. I think Creating Our Combo said it best the other day:
I’ve started to wonder in the last week or two if staying connected to the infertility/loss blog world is helping or hindering my connection to Combo and this developing pregnancy. I think, reluctantly, it’s time to take a step back. Following the stories of other strong women has been powerfully grounding as I flailed during my losses and tried to find my footing to move forward. Now, though, I know too much. I’ve read about early losses that are startlingly similar to my own, but also later losses that leave me fearful that the same fate might be awaiting me. It’s time, I think, to focus on my own singular experience and build connection with EJ and with Combo.
I feel similarly. I struggle to put into words how I feel for fear of sounding selfish, bitchy, or cold-hearted. She said it perfectly, and I’ll just leave it at that.
Yesterday, I created a new blog. I have the web address, I have designed the page, I have a title. What are my intentions? Well, it’s going to be the blog that I talk about on my About page. This past winter, I planned on blogging about becoming a mom and returning to school and pursuing first-time home-buying. When my second miscarriage crushed that dream, I still went forward with the blog but found myself struggling to write when I couldn’t be honest. I’d shared the blog on my Facebook page and Twitter account, friends and family could check it if they chose to, and I was not “out” yet (still not out, and not even out with this pregnancy, but that’s a post for another time). That’s how this anonymous blog came about. I could be honest here. I could find people who understood. This blog has served it’s purpose. While I do sometimes feel guilty for having dug myself out of the rut quite quickly (I know so, so many of you have been in this battle for years, and I hope you know I love you all and I’m pulling for you), that’s what happened. It got me through the worst part. It pulled me out of a darkness I never thought I’d shake off. And I’ve made wonderful friends, both here and on Twitter.
But that part is over (we hope). I want this new blog to be the all-encompassing blog. It’s not going to be a parenting blog, though I’m sure that will be a huge part of it. I’m also going to finish my Master’s degree. I’ve started a career in my field. I’m also buying a home. I’m becoming a mom to a living child for the first time. All of these firsts. My marriage will change, my life will change. Everything is in transition. I want to blog about that. I also have family living in other parts of Massachusetts that I don’t see regularly. I have out-of-state family across the country that I see even less frequently. This blog will serve as a place they can go to keep up with me and my husband, our baby, our lives.
So, this blog will also be public. It’ll have my name there. It’ll have my face there. My husband’s face. Our baby’s face. Photos of family, of friends. When I announce this pregnancy (you know, as I’m going into labor, at this rate) I will be coming out with my losses and the struggle my husband and I have had the last two years. I won’t have reason to hide. The blog will be about everything.
I’m majoring in Publishing and Writing. Writing is what I do. It’s how I survive. In some form or another, I’ve been constantly writing since I can remember. Creating stories. Sharing words. It’s what I love. I’ve been to hell and back in the last two years and finally, I’m ready to be honest with myself, in my writing, to my loved ones and to anyone else who bothers to care.
And that’s another component to the new blog. No more hiding pregnancy/parenting posts. I’ll let it all hang out. No more hiding, at all. Not that any of you made me hide, let’s get that straight. I did it myself, to protect whoever needed protecting. Because I care about you all.
I hope each and every one of you know what you’ve done for me this year. The strength you gave me, the hope, the friendship. I think I’ve made friends from my anonymous accounts that I’ll keep in touch with for life. That is so meaningful. I am beyond grateful.
I know many of you won’t want to follow my new blog, and I understand. But know I will be inviting you all to follow, should you chose to. I’ll be happy to share my life, who I am, with all of you. 🙂
I will institute some sort of password-protection for the occasional rant that is IF or RPL-related. I’m sure it’ll happen. And while I want to be honest, I do want to give myself a little bit of leeway with venting in a way that only fellow community members will understand. Not sure how I’ll do that because I don’t much feel like publicizing that I wrote a private post and have family or friends wanting to know why they can’t see it. That’ll be tough. I’ll figure it out.
Okay. This entry is a jumble of nonsense. But I know if I go back and read it, I might get frustrated or embarrassed or worried that I might insult someone and may never post this. Plus I’m at work and I really wanted to get this off my chest so I am doing it as fast as I can. I am going to post this entry in its entirety in a protected post with the pregnancy-related crap from two weeks ago that I meant to post back then, and then copy and paste the rest and put it in a public entry so everyone can know where I’m headed in this blogging world.
Phew. Okay. I’m going to leave now. Know that the blog is not up and running quite yet. This will not be my last entry on Dreaming of Rainbows. But the end is coming. I’ll be sure to provide blog information in my last entry on here, and then as well as now I will provide my email for you all to keep in touch. Whether you decide not to blog anymore, but want to stay in touch…whether you don’t want to follow my blog at the moment, but forsee a time in the future when you might want to…whether you just want a friend to reach out to. I don’t want to cut ties with anyone. I will most likely follow your blogs when the new one is up and running, though be forewarned my activity may be sporadic for a while as I work on getting myself in a better place and ready for everything that’s coming.
Okay, my email is dreamsandrainbows820 AT gmail DOT com.
Okay. Bye. ❤