The Most Disjointed and Babbling Post I’ve Written Ever

Where I am: 15w1d
Medications: just the basics
Symptoms: round ligament pain, tired, not sleeping well, sore boobs, mild occasional nausea, slow digestion/constipation, congested, serious hip/lower back pain (especially first thing in the morning)

I started writing a post a while back (when I was halfway through 13w), and then got too busy to continue. I’m cutting out the irrelevant shit and just posting the stuff that’s update-ish…

“I saw my OB the other day. She was super nice. She asked how the pregnancy has been going, what symptoms I’ve been having, and so on. I asked all the questions I could think of at the moment. We discussed my weight…when I first started coming in for appointments, I was guesstimating my weight as I was on crutches and in the brace and they didn’t make me hop on the scale. I gave them what I weighed at the end of June, beginning of July. But of course, that was before my third fertility treatment cycle. Before the accident and being stuck on my ass for two months. Given that I was still guesstimating at the beginning of August, and now I can actually step on the scale, it looks like I’ve gained 7lbs in a month.

Which, I guess on its own doesn’t look bad. But gaining 7lbs a month would be disastrous. And considering I’m already overweight, I’m supposed to gain less weight than a normal weight woman would. Oi.

But the OB was understanding. I have extenuating circumstances and there’s no way to know how much I really weighed back in July/August. Honestly, I could’ve been 3-4lbs heavier than I thought and I’ve actually only gained a few pounds since becoming pregnant. Either way, my weight is being documented now, so we will keep an eye on it. Especially now that the nausea is settling down, what with no more Crinone and being in the second trimester, I may be prone to eating more than I have. Need to watch it!

We listened to the heartbeat again, which was just amazing. She tried the center and then left side of my uterus first, and apparently LB was hanging out on my right side. I can’t tell you how hard my heart was pounding when it took so long for her to hear it. But the best part is now that LB is bigger, the heartbeat comes through much louder and clearer. It’s wonderful. And it was just the reassurance I needed to feel confident that yes, I have made it to the second trimester intact and yes, LB is a little warrior.

I found out that this OB won’t be my delivering doctor unless I have a C-section. That was kind of a bummer. I guess I don’t understand 100% how this whole thing works yet. They said it’s possible I could meet the team from which my doctor would be chosen. I have the choice to either do a midwife or an obstetrician. When I asked about the CNM I’ve been working with since my last pregnancy, the nurse told me I could come to her closer to my due date and she could see if my CNM’s schedule would line up with the due date. I need to research the differences between a CNM and an OB when it comes to delivery, and of course it will all come down to whether the baby is engaged on time and if I have complications or not. But if I could have the midwife I’ve been seeing deliver my baby, I would be ecstatic. In fact, I’ve already latched onto the idea pretty fiercely…I foresee a meltdown if I find out she’s not available. Whoops. She’s just so calming and I feel so comfortable with her.

So much to think about. Yikes.”

So, that’s what I wrote a few weeks ago…

I am still waiting for my Doppler. Stupid mailman. Stupid delay. It better not have been stolen off my stoop or something stupid. I mean, who the fuck wants a Doppler? So I’ve had increasing anxiety every day for the last two weeks. If it doesn’t arrive Friday, I’ll be going to see the CNM next week to put my mind at ease.

I’ve been super busy. School, work, house stuff, pregnancy stuff. It’s been a challenge. I haven’t much felt up to writing.

And on the flip side, I’m struggling with this blog. When I come on here, onto my blog I mean, I’m reminded of my past. I’m reminded of the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Loss. Miscarriage. Loneliness. Fear. Depression. That’s what I associate this blog with. Treatments. Waiting. Let-downs. And the treacherous first trimester of this pregnancy, spending every day walking on thin ice, feeling like it could all be over in the span of one heartbeat.

And I will never forget my losses. I will never forget the pain of that first pregnancy, the one that never got past an empty sac. My first experience of a type of loss I can’t compare to any other type of loss in my life. And I will never forget Baby Bean. Seeing the heartbeat. Seeing that scan at nearly 9w, little flickers of movement. That Christmas Eve morning when my world came crashing down a second time, harder and faster than before. What July 6th will always mean to me. I think for many, many years to come, possibly my whole life, I will remember that date. Probably silently. And I think it will hurt a little less every year. It’ll never stop hurting. But maybe it’ll hurt less. It already does.

But I need to separate most of myself from that part of my life. I need a fresh start. I need to start connecting to Lucky Bug, and directing my positive energy towards him or her. I need to start getting ready to be a family. I need to distance myself, to an extent, from my past with RPL and IF.

I’ve been sporadic when it comes to reading blogs. Well, I guess I’ve been reading them all. I don’t comment as much. It’s hard for me to read some of them. It’s hard to look toward the future and bond with my baby when I keep traveling down that dangerous post-traumatic road every time I read some of these blogs. I think Creating Our Combo said it best the other day:

I’ve started to wonder in the last week or two if staying connected to the infertility/loss blog world is helping or hindering my connection to Combo and this developing pregnancy. I think, reluctantly, it’s time to take a step back. Following the stories of other strong women has been powerfully grounding as I flailed during my losses and tried to find my footing to move forward. Now, though, I know too much. I’ve read about early losses that are startlingly similar to my own, but also later losses that leave me fearful that the same fate might be awaiting me. It’s time, I think, to focus on my own singular experience and build connection with EJ and with Combo.

I feel similarly. I struggle to put into words how I feel for fear of sounding selfish, bitchy, or cold-hearted. She said it perfectly, and I’ll just leave it at that.

Yesterday, I created a new blog. I have the web address, I have designed the page, I have a title. What are my intentions? Well, it’s going to be the blog that I talk about on my About page. This past winter, I planned on blogging about becoming a mom and returning to school and pursuing first-time home-buying. When my second miscarriage crushed that dream, I still went forward with the blog but found myself struggling to write when I couldn’t be honest. I’d shared the blog on my Facebook page and Twitter account, friends and family could check it if they chose to, and I was not “out” yet (still not out, and not even out with this pregnancy, but that’s a post for another time). That’s how this anonymous blog came about. I could be honest here. I could find people who understood. This blog has served it’s purpose. While I do sometimes feel guilty for having dug myself out of the rut quite quickly (I know so, so many of you have been in this battle for years, and I hope you know I love you all and I’m pulling for you), that’s what happened. It got me through the worst part. It pulled me out of a darkness I never thought I’d shake off. And I’ve made wonderful friends, both here and on Twitter.

But that part is over (we hope). I want this new blog to be the all-encompassing blog. It’s not going to be a parenting blog, though I’m sure that will be a huge part of it. I’m also going to finish my Master’s degree. I’ve started a career in my field. I’m also buying a home. I’m becoming a mom to a living child for the first time. All of these firsts. My marriage will change, my life will change. Everything is in transition. I want to blog about that. I also have family living in other parts of Massachusetts that I don’t see regularly. I have out-of-state family across the country that I see even less frequently. This blog will serve as a place they can go to keep up with me and my husband, our baby, our lives.

So, this blog will also be public. It’ll have my name there. It’ll have my face there. My husband’s face. Our baby’s face. Photos of family, of friends. When I announce this pregnancy (you know, as I’m going into labor, at this rate) I will be coming out with my losses and the struggle my husband and I have had the last two years. I won’t have reason to hide. The blog will be about everything.

I’m majoring in Publishing and Writing. Writing is what I do. It’s how I survive. In some form or another, I’ve been constantly writing since I can remember. Creating stories. Sharing words. It’s what I love. I’ve been to hell and back in the last two years and finally, I’m ready to be honest with myself, in my writing, to my loved ones and to anyone else who bothers to care.

And that’s another component to the new blog. No more hiding pregnancy/parenting posts. I’ll let it all hang out. No more hiding, at all. Not that any of you made me hide, let’s get that straight. I did it myself, to protect whoever needed protecting. Because I care about you all.

I hope each and every one of you know what you’ve done for me this year. The strength you gave me, the hope, the friendship. I think I’ve made friends from my anonymous accounts that I’ll keep in touch with for life. That is so meaningful. I am beyond grateful.

I know many of you won’t want to follow my new blog, and I understand. But know I will be inviting you all to follow, should you chose to. I’ll be happy to share my life, who I am, with all of you. 🙂

I will institute some sort of password-protection for the occasional rant that is IF or RPL-related. I’m sure it’ll happen. And while I want to be honest, I do want to give myself a little bit of leeway with venting in a way that only fellow community members will understand. Not sure how I’ll do that because I don’t much feel like publicizing that I wrote a private post and have family or friends wanting to know why they can’t see it. That’ll be tough. I’ll figure it out.

Okay. This entry is a jumble of nonsense. But I know if I go back and read it, I might get frustrated or embarrassed or worried that I might insult someone and may never post this. Plus I’m at work and I really wanted to get this off my chest so I am doing it as fast as I can. I am going to post this entry in its entirety in a protected post with the pregnancy-related crap from two weeks ago that I meant to post back then, and then copy and paste the rest and put it in a public entry so everyone can know where I’m headed in this blogging world.

Phew. Okay. I’m going to leave now. Know that the blog is not up and running quite yet. This will not be my last entry on Dreaming of Rainbows. But the end is coming. I’ll be sure to provide blog information in my last entry on here, and then as well as now I will provide my email for you all to keep in touch. Whether you decide not to blog anymore, but want to stay in touch…whether you don’t want to follow my blog at the moment, but forsee a time in the future when you might want to…whether you just want a friend to reach out to. I don’t want to cut ties with anyone. I will most likely follow your blogs when the new one is up and running, though be forewarned my activity may be sporadic for a while as I work on getting myself in a better place and ready for everything that’s coming.

Okay, my email is dreamsandrainbows820 AT gmail DOT com.

Okay. Bye. ❤

4 thoughts on “The Most Disjointed and Babbling Post I’ve Written Ever

  1. Pingback: Public Version: An Announcement | When Dreams Become Rainbows

  2. I actually never planned for my blog to be IF only. Even the name of it was planned to carry me through to parenting and blogging about that. So I can see how you would need a new space. I want to follow! Keep me posted 🙂

    • Yeah, I don’t think I intended mine to be IF/RPL-only, either. But I let so much of myself out on here, in ways I never had before, that it seems weighted with that purpose now. It’s hard to even look at this blog, the title, the pages, the posts, and feel positivity. I think a new space will do wonders for me. Even if it is mostly a placebo effect. 🙂 And you bet your ass I’ll be keeping you posted. In fact I’ll probably come after you if you DON’T follow. 😉 😛 ❤

  3. I absolutely understand your decision. I can only imagine how hard it was for your to read and comment on my post today, and I am so thankful you did. But know, that I don’t expect you to – you are moving on, and really, isn’t that the ultimate goal?
    Please know that I will definitely follow your new blog, because one, I enjoy your writing and two, reading your posts and pregnancy updates (and eventually baby updates too) provides me with so much hope. And, honestly, I need to know that there is hope in all of this. 🙂

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