The Ever-So-Fun RPL Struggle: Trying Not to Overthink Everything

Where I am: 8w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food/smell hypersensitivity and aversions, congestion, friggin’ hemorrhoids, constipation, are you grossed out yet?

Goodness, I am trying. I really am. But shit, I am overthinking everything in the world.

Like the cramps I had this morning. No bleeding *knocks feverishly on wood* and the cramps aren’t even painful. But I feel it, and I check the calendar on my app to confirm how far along I am (where I am based on ovulation and how far along Lucky Bug is measuring are different so I occasionally forget or get confused), and terror floods like ice-water right through my heart. The impending doom that is associated with feeling like it’s all over smacks me in the face.

It sucks.

(Also, the cramps are/were probably growing pains. Duh. *sigh*)

With every scan, there’s momentary elation. Relief. Happiness. But it doesn’t take long for the dread and fear to creep back in. Honestly, I’m sick of it. But I guess I have to take it as it comes. RPL was the hand I was dealt. I hope this makes me a stronger person in the end. I hope it makes me a stronger mother.

Some things I forgot to mention last time I posted: Crinone and baby aspirin is over and done with as of August 31st. I’ll be 12w3d on September 1st (which hopefully means Bug will be measuring somewhere between there and 12w5d-ish). That’s something to be celebrated! When I think of the fact that I’m barely 9w, the second trimester seems so far away. But when I think of the fact that I’ll be 12w before the end of the month, it doesn’t seem so far. It actually seems alarmingly close.

I feel like with my first two pregnancies, the beginning weeks dragged. I was alone for the first one, and I insisted on waiting several weeks between the first ultrasound and when I actually had the D&E because I was afraid they could be wrong. So that would explain the drag there. And then, with Baby Bean, when I thought I was 8w along, I was actually only 6w along. And then I went four weeks between ultrasounds before the D&E. So I started out moving backwards, and then had so much wait time at the end there. I also wasn’t working, and was only going to school, so I had very little to distract me or help the days fly by.

But with this pregnancy…yeah, sure, the two-week wait time between scans has felt long. But overall, time is passing quickly. I have so much going on, from my leg to house-hunting every weekend to working every week, that the days in bulk seem to go by fast with little pockets of minute-by-minute or hour-by-hour drags here and there. And it excites me that Bug has been measuring ahead consistently since the first scan, so maybe eventually they will change how far along I am on paper and change my due date and I can “time travel” through a couple of days at some point.

Anyway…only 8 days until my scan. I’ll be 9w6d at that point, so hopefully Bug will be measuring consistently ahead a little bit at 10w1d. My husband will still be in training, so my mom will be taking me. I was just discussing it with one of my RPL friends and as I was telling her how panic- and fear-inducing this scan is going to be, I suddenly felt this urge to call my husband and beg him to get permission from his commander to take the morning off to be with me. The thought of facing another loss without him beside me, without him to hold me, is almost more than I can bear. I love my mom, but I don’t think it’ll be the same. I need him.

But I can’t do that. He already has days to make up before the end of the fiscal year, which is fast-approaching, due to the weekend after the accident and the day he took off for the last scan. His promotion is fresh, and I don’t want him constantly leaving duty because of me. So instead, I’m going to try to be strong, and I won’t let him know how absolutely dead-petrified I am, and I’m going to think positive.

Thinking positive means the only sadness that day will be that his second-hand viewing of the ultrasound will have to suffice. (I’m going to have my mom videotape it on my phone.)

OB intake appointment is tomorrow. I’ll post an update in the afternoon to let you know how that goes. I had a Papsmear with my last pregnancy sometime in November, so I wonder if she will do another. I did have bacterial vaginosis at my last one (fancy word for “too much bad bacteria in your vajayjay”) so I feel like at least a pelvic is in order, and probably a swab. I’ve also been subtle about it by only putting it under the symptoms part of these posts, but I’m also having another issue “down there” that she will probably want to investigate, just to make sure it isn’t out of control. I’m just dreading the smear because there’s a potential for spotting.

I don’t care if she warns me ahead of time. I’ve had spotting before between 5-8w with both miscarriages. I haven’t had it yet with this pregnancy and I’m nearly 9w. I will flip a lid if I start spotting, “normal and expected” or not. Ugh.

I have a public post coming up that I’m working on, but I doubt I’ll have another one tomorrow. So I will plan for the public post to have links to this and tomorrow’s post-intake protected post. So check back on the public post tomorrow for the new link. It will be added in there once the new post is up and running.

And that’s all, folks. I’m glad I’ve been blogging a little more consistently. I find it’s the hardest to do so right before a scan, as the nerves and anxiety and melancholy get the best of me and I don’t have the focus or energy to write. So fear not if, next week, I get quiet. I’ll just be withdrawing again, fearful of bad news and just trying to will the days to fly by so I can get to scan day.

9 thoughts on “The Ever-So-Fun RPL Struggle: Trying Not to Overthink Everything

  1. Wishing you the best in dealing with all the RPL fears. There is no easy way to deal with it, or at least none that I have found. So, all I can do is hope that you are able to hold one to the happy moments when they occur.

  2. Can I recommend something to you? I am on my 4th pregnancy after 3 miscarriages and I have something that gives me comfort between scans that might be of some use to you. It is a home fetal doppler. By the time you order it and it ships, you should be far enough along to find your baby’s heartbeat. We use ours every 2-3 days or anytime I get nervous for no reason. It is such a comfort to be able to lay there and listen to our babies’ heartbeats (we’re having twins). It obviously can also be a little worrying at time if you can’t locate the heartbeat right away, but it’s still worth it to me. This is actually how we figured out I had miscarried last time. We were always able to find the heartbeat until one day we couldn’t. I will always be thankful we were able to find out at home together (so I could cry hysterically in private) vs me alone at the doctors office (my husband wasn’t planning on going to the scan we had the following day, obviously once we got concerned he decided to come). Anyway, they aren’t expensive, around $70-$80. I got the sonoline B model and am very happy with it. Just thought it might be of some help to you!

  3. It’s like what you write could be coming from my brain! I totally understand the high after a good scan and then the dread and doom that slowly seeps back in after a few days (let alone weeks!) have passed. I hope if you have to have a pap smear that you don’t have any spotting. I also hope and trust that everything will be great and you and your hubby will get to relive the joy and relief together as you watch the video of your u/s. Keep us posted as I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. Praying for you and little bug constantly hon. As you know, I still have moments of fear and anxiety too. In fact, I’m scared to death of my Doctor appt tomorrow because it’s been a couple weeks since the last one, and terrified of the anatomy scan on Monday. Even with the pretty consistent movement lately, I’m still scared. What I’ve come to realize is that while it does get better, the worry will likely not go away until these babies are safely in our arms, and even then I’m sure we’ll worry 🙂 Sending you strength to get through the next 8 days. And sending you and little bug so many prayers! Hope your intake appointment goes well tomorrow too. Hugs hon ❤

  5. Pingback: Baby Steps | When Dreams Become Rainbows

  6. I cannot believe you are going to be in your 2nd trimester the end of this month, it has gone by fast…but I totally get what you mean about it going by fast and slow at the same time. PS – I guarantee your husband knows how you feel, just reading about him makes me know he’s a pretty awesome dude and I bet he’d give anything to be there with you. I wish he could be there with you too. Work is a bitch sometimes. Know we will all be there in spirit too!

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