Too Much

Where I am: 7w4d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food (and smell) aversions, congestion, headaches

I woke up this morning and felt like the nausea was gone. Granted, I barely ate anything yesterday because I felt so sick, and then barely ate anything today until I came home and had a huge dinner. I actually just stuffed my face, regardless of the “small meals” rule, because I want to pretty much induce the nausea.

How fucked up is that?

My boobs still hurt. I guess I can take comfort in that. And I’ve been congested the last few days.

I overdid it so bad this weekend. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I was dead by Sunday afternoon. My arm and good leg muscles ached. I was exhausted. On Monday, I had a migraine and the little food I ate (fruit, some bites of chocolate, ice cream, chips and dip…I know, wicked healthy, right?) gave me the shakes. I got in bed before 8:00PM, and fell asleep by 9:00PM. I slept nearly twelve hours last night. That alone was a testament to how done my body was with me.

The panic and paranoia has set in. I feel like it’s all going to be over on Friday. Nothing anyone tells me will make me feel otherwise. I just feel this dread, from head to toe. I find myself wondering what it’ll be like when I’m back on the other side, again. With three losses under my belt. Back to square one. Unable to face my family ever again during the holidays as I reach two years since I told all of them we would be trying to have kids.

And I fucking hate it. Because should this pregnancy miraculously continue, I think I’ll feel guilty about how little I enjoyed these first twelve weeks.

I’m overwhelmed by everything. Not just this pregnancy. But everything. I overestimated how much I thought I could handle.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs, or responding to tweets. I’m definitely withdrawing, which is usually what I do before I slip into depression. I’m trying to be there for you guys, and know I have been reading as many of your tweets and all of your  blogs I can manage. I just don’t have the energy or concentration in me to comment. I know that makes me a shit friend. I won’t be offended if you guys return the favor. I don’t expect much attention if I’m not giving it.

But know that I’m thinking of you all. Those of you starting or in the middle of new cycles, some of you who are very freshly pregnant and stuck in the realm of uncertainty, those of you who are progressing with your pregnancies and have reached milestones such as viability or the anatomy scan or are almost due. And those of you who’ve received heartbreaking BFNs lately. And those who have received BFPs only to be devastated by a chemical pregnancy. I’ve been following all of you. I’m thinking of all of you.

7 thoughts on “Too Much

  1. Ohh Honey, we all have our own battles to fight emotionally, mentally and physically. You sure have a tough one to overcome but just know that we are here for you. No other advise can change what you want to think but please stay healthy mentally. Waiting for you to bounce back anytime now!

  2. It’s tough those first few weeks. It’s gotten better for me now that I’m 15w but it was really emotionally straining until now. I hope you can find a little time to enjoy being pregnant and not worry, even if it’s just a few hours each day!

  3. Pingback: Highs and Lows | When Dreams Become Rainbows

  4. Don’t feel bad at all, we have ALL been there done that. First and foremost, the first trimester of pregnancy sucks, you’re sick, you’re exhausted, and you are filled with uncertainty about whether or not your baby is doing what he/she is supposed to be doing to continue growing. It’s nerve racking! I don’t think worrying/feeling any of these things means you aren’t enjoying your first 12 weeks because you are. You are enjoying the baby, but you’re also terrified and you have EVERY right to be. Our anatomy scan is Wednesday and I am feeling really good about it because I have started to feel the babies move (something I didn’t ever feel with my son) that proves right there that they’re growing (lets not talk about the weight gain lol) BUT there is STILL that nagging voice in the back of my mind that says “what it something IS wrong, what will you do?” We are here for you, and we are the ones that get it more than anyone, because WE’VE been through it. We know every ache and pain you are feeling on top of the pregnancy aches and pains.

  5. I completely missed the past few messages! I’m so sorry you had such a hard week last week. Your fear and anxiety is so understandable. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I’m still feeling it from time to time too. After all we’ve been through, it’s so hard to not worry, but with each scan and milestone, it does get easier. I’m so happy all went well at your ultrasound and all is good with little bug. Praying everything continues to go well! Don’t feel guilty for being scared hon, little bug knows how much you want him or her. One day, he or she will look at this blog and know it. Sending you a huge hug!

    • Don’t worry about missing these entries, haha. I try to publish a non-PG post every time I publish a PG post, but the day I wrote this one I was just too down in the dumps to write another post. I wrote this mostly for myself, just to get all the crap floating around in my head and my heart into words and out into the world, you know?

      Thanks so much as always for your comments. I always look forward to what you’re going to say on my posts! 🙂 ❤

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