Where I am: 19dpo
Symptoms: same as before…also either reflux or heartburn, occasional nausea, and a confused stomach
That’s right…my second beta came back at an astounding 881.
Now before you go crying multiples, remember that there was a five day difference there. So it was bound to be a large number. However, I do try to do the math in my head (read: on my phone), and if they double every 48 hours and it was 54 at 12dpo, then it should have been 108 at 14dpo…and then 216 at 16dpo? Is that right?
So yeah, 881 is still a high number. But tomorrow’s third and probably final (they test up until 1,000) beta will tell more. We are obviously looking for at least a 1,600.
Real quick: I apologize for the lateness of this post. The hotel internet was absolute shit and I couldn’t get on from my laptop, and I just couldn’t type an involved post like this on my phone! (And of course, as I’m typing this, myhopejar is commenting wondering where I am. I knew that would happen!)
I’m not going to lie, I got excited when I heard the number. No doubt about it, I am pregnant. Of course, the elation lasts for a few good minutes before the anxiety sets in. And then I’m just here…almost like…
…okay. I’m going to try to explain this. I am just existing as a pregnant woman right now. I don’t feel like it’s real. I feel like even if the betas are good, the ultrasound could be bad. I feel like the ultrasounds could be good, but until I hit that second trimester, things could still go bad. It’s like I’m stuck in the land of the never-ending “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” So I feel incredibly unattached. Even though J and I talk about it at least once a day. Even though we joke and say “What does the baby want to eat?” “The baby wants…” Even though we bought two onsesies while on vacation. (One of them we bought at the Crime & Punishment Museum the day we got the first positive test, because how wonderful would that be? I’ll post a picture of it later…maybe. It says “I just spent nine months in solitary” with handcuffs and the CPM logo on it.) Although buying baby stuff isn’t new for us. We’ve been doing it for years, even before we were TTC. It’s gross, really.
I guess with this beta I would be officially considered “on the other side” to most infertiles that are still not pregnant. But I don’t feel like it. I feel like I’m straddling the line. You see, with recurrent loss, I might never really feel out of the woods.That’s just how it is. Until this baby is out and safe in my arms, I won’t ever feel safe. At least, I don’t think I will.
And since we’re on the topic. Let’s talk about Twitter for a moment, and the #pgpost hashtag. One of my lovely Twitter pals created this hashtag so those infertiles still waiting on their BFPs could “mute” the chit-chat of those of us who have ours.
If you also follow me on there, please take note: I will be discussing this pregnancy on Twitter.
I will use the hashtag for every pregnancy-related post for muting ease, and you can even mute me, my account, if it becomes too much! But I spent the last two pregnancies alone, with only a handful of people who knew and absolutely zero that understood how I felt. I can’t do that again. I won’t make it. It was suffocating before when I didn’t know I had people to turn to, I can’t imagine how I’d survive knowing that I do now—but have to rein it in. I need to talk. I need to vent. I need to find comfort in those who are able or willing to listen. So please, mute me if you want to still keep up with others’ pregnancies but I become too much for you. I don’t mean to be too much. And I won’t take offense. I don’t want to lose anyone as a friend on there, but like those of us who aren’t pregnant have to protect ourselves sometimes by avoiding those who are pregnant, I have to strengthen myself by finding comfort in those same people.
And now in terms of this blog. There’s clearly a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. My leg and the aftermath of the accident. Trying to find a house when our lease expires in less than two months. We only have one car, and buying a new car before we buy a house will screw up our chances at buying a house. I’m starting a new job Labor Day week. I’m returning to school in less than two months. And I have this pregnancy. I abandoned my regular blog because honestly, the same way I did with social media like my personal Twitter and Facebook accounts, I lost interest. I couldn’t connect. I couldn’t find inspiration. This blog has become the blog. So I’m not going to tell you to unfollow me if you can’t bear to watch me blog about the pregnancy, because I’ll talk about other things as well. I can’t promise I’ll talk about a lot of other stuff, but I will.
However, when it comes to pregnancy posts, I will be instituting password protection. I feel this is the safest way to protect the friends I’ve made on here, and on Twitter. I was thinking of just labeling each post with asterisks, but I know photos would still show up on timelines and that alone can be triggering for many people. If it’s password protected, nothing is seen unless you request access. If you decide you want to read these posts, it has to be your choice.
Right now, J and I are on Amtrak heading back to Boston. We will be home by 9:00PM tonight, and I can hardly wait to see my kitten, relax with J, and sleep in my own bed. I can wait to face the aftermath of the car accident, the continuing treatment and rehabilitation of my leg (shit, this is going to be a rough first trimester), returning to work after nearly three weeks of being away, being on my own for the first time since the crash so J can return to work, getting back into the house hunting, trying to figure out what we’re going to do in September if we don’t have a house—move in with my parents, or stay another year at the apartment—and just how I’m going to manage school in the city with possibly a still-recovering knee and a pregnancy.
Yeah, reality, what’s up. Can I go back to the beach now?!