I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

Where I am: CD24 (12dpo)
Medications: Crinone, Lovenox
Symptoms: starting to have to pee more often


…and I’m sorry I’ve been putting this off. I’ll tell you why.

Because, by a simple definition of the word, I am pregnant. My concern, however, is whether I’m going to stay that way.

I got a faint, almost-couldn’t-see-it-maybe-I’m-imagining-it BFP yesterday morning on an internet cheapie (11dpo, 1 day early to testing). I held my pee ALL day and tested again at 8:00PM, and the line was darker and definitely there on another internet cheapie and a faint line on a drugstore cheapie. Enter excitement, anxiety, fear—overwhelming and paralyzing fear.

So then I woke up this morning and took another internet cheapie and it was there, if not a little lighter.

Then I took a First Response. Only one pink line.

Then I took a ClearBlue Digital. “Not pregnant.”

I know some of you have had chemical pregnancies. This early on, that is not what you want to see. Cue the freak out. Cue the hysterical ugly crying once the hubby woke up. Cue the turning to Twitter for half a second to share my woe before disappearing—literally, under the covers—until I could face the world again.

I called my RE’s office, and the nurse I spoke to so wasn’t helpful for my nerves (she mentioned “false positive,” which, because I used two different brands of tests, I know this is not), but she faxed over an order for a beta at the nearest Quest Diagnostics that had a free appointment and I went and had my blood drawn. The appointment was late, so we won’t get results until tomorrow. Not like it matters. I know there’s hCG in my system. That’s not the concern. The concern is whether or not it increases, and appropriately.

I know, I know…my pee could have been diluted. FRER’s and CBD’s are not reliable so early in pregnancy. I’ve heard it all. It doesn’t help, I’m still scared shitless. I want this to work so badly. I want #teamjunebug to be real.

I held my pee (I really love that I’ve said “pee” a thousand times, and I’m going to keep saying it, because “urine” is so fucking formal, and we’re all friends here) all day today and took another test. And it was darker than yesterday evening’s was after holding my pee all day. But I’m not reading too much into it.

I know I should stop testing. I know that. You should therefore know that I probably won’t. Because I’m stupid.

So once again, I’m in limbo. The 2ww is officially over, and now I’m in beta hell. And then after that, if everything works out, I’ll be in scan purgatory. It never ends when you’ve had miscarriages in the past. Fuck.

My vacation has been enjoyable. J is tired of pushing me around in a wheelcair, because he’s sore from the accident, but we’ve seen a lot. I have a sunburn (stupid DC sun). We sweat all of the moisture out of our bodies today. It’s been HOT down here. But we’ve enjoyed ourselves. I flew my “drink ’til it’s pink” flag until yesterday morning, and have stopped that altogether (duh). Hopefully we know sooner rather than later if this pregnancy is going to stick or not because I’d awfully like to get shitfaced off of fruity-ass drinks on the sands of Virginia Beach if it’s another miscarriage.

So there you go. That’s my update. For all intents and purposes, I’m pregnant.

But will I stay pregnant? We will see. 😦

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28 thoughts on “I Know You’ve All Been Waiting…

  1. Hugs!! The only good news about having to wait for your first beta is that you shouldn’t have to wait for your second as long, right? Hoping you have a great first number and you can stop taking those stupid stressful POAS’s . Stay strong friend. At this moment, you’re pregnant.

  2. I don’t do false optimism, but you already know that 🙂 How about.. if you’re pregnant, I will send you some donuts. If you’re not, I will send you some liquor. Problem solved? You are welcome!

  3. Hang in there girl… I was there too. My first 4 tests were so light I actually would have to squint to see the second line. As each day passed without the line getting darker I was a nervous wreck like you. It took 3 days for the line to get just a little darker. I also found my first mornings pee wasn’t the best to use. My urine around 10:30 on the 3rd day produced a darker line than my first mornings pee that same day. And remember your hcg doubles every 48-72 hours. So the test should look about the same 2-3 days in a row. When I got my first beta at 56 I realized when I was getting my first positives it had to have been just enough to read…
    So anyways, through my blabbing just stay positive. I was POAS obsessed and crying every day because the line wasn’t getting darker. Try to stay positive.. This is prob the hardest part until the beta tests. Sending prayers your way!

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