Too Much

Where I am: 7w4d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired, sore boobs, nausea, slow digestion, food (and smell) aversions, congestion, headaches

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I woke up this morning and felt like the nausea was gone. Granted, I barely ate anything yesterday because I felt so sick, and then barely ate anything today until I came home and had a huge dinner. I actually just stuffed my face, regardless of the “small meals” rule, because I want to pretty much induce the nausea.

How fucked up is that?

My boobs still hurt. I guess I can take comfort in that. And I’ve been congested the last few days.

I overdid it so bad this weekend. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I was dead by Sunday afternoon. My arm and good leg muscles ached. I was exhausted. On Monday, I had a migraine and the little food I ate (fruit, some bites of chocolate, ice cream, chips and dip…I know, wicked healthy, right?) gave me the shakes. I got in bed before 8:00PM, and fell asleep by 9:00PM. I slept nearly twelve hours last night. That alone was a testament to how done my body was with me.

The panic and paranoia has set in. I feel like it’s all going to be over on Friday. Nothing anyone tells me will make me feel otherwise. I just feel this dread, from head to toe. I find myself wondering what it’ll be like when I’m back on the other side, again. With three losses under my belt. Back to square one. Unable to face my family ever again during the holidays as I reach two years since I told all of them we would be trying to have kids.

And I fucking hate it. Because should this pregnancy miraculously continue, I think I’ll feel guilty about how little I enjoyed these first twelve weeks.

I’m overwhelmed by everything. Not just this pregnancy. But everything. I overestimated how much I thought I could handle.

I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on your blogs, or responding to tweets. I’m definitely withdrawing, which is usually what I do before I slip into depression. I’m trying to be there for you guys, and know I have been reading as many of your tweets and all of your  blogs I can manage. I just don’t have the energy or concentration in me to comment. I know that makes me a shit friend. I won’t be offended if you guys return the favor. I don’t expect much attention if I’m not giving it.

But know that I’m thinking of you all. Those of you starting or in the middle of new cycles, some of you who are very freshly pregnant and stuck in the realm of uncertainty, those of you who are progressing with your pregnancies and have reached milestones such as viability or the anatomy scan or are almost due. And those of you who’ve received heartbreaking BFNs lately. And those who have received BFPs only to be devastated by a chemical pregnancy. I’ve been following all of you. I’m thinking of all of you.

❤

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All I Want for Christmas…Is a House!

Okay, so. Good news to report on the house and mortgage front.

This morning, J and I took some time in the morning to renew our pre-qualification. Silly man that he is, J didn’t have me on the last “application” (I use quotes because it was all done over the phone, and credit checks were done over the internet), so I was nervous that our amount would decrease as I’ve never known my credit score. Ever. I know, that’s probably really bad…but whatever.

Anywho, it doesn’t matter. We were pre-qualified for the same amount he was three months ago. Winner winner, chicken dinner.

This weekend, we are doing our 1st secondary walk-through of a house we liked before vacation with my parents in tow. Also, thankfully, some more houses cropped up on the website we share with our realtor that we are interested in, so…that’s good. I’m hoping we have a good little handful of could-be’s this weekend. The anxiety is getting to me.

By the way, you really should see me on these showing days. Crutching around like a madwoman, going up and down tens of staircases a day on my butt. I’m one determined little cripple.

We also spoke with our landlady about our apartment situation. She is willing to allow us a 3-month extension (after, of course, trying to sneakily persuade us into signing a new one-year lease and not being directly open about all the expenses we would incur…yeah, nice try you “word I won’t say on here”, I had my mom read the lease, you slimy person, you). Of course, our rent is being jacked up $50/month (what the fuck is that about?!) and we will have to pay the new rent until we leave…but…what other choice do we have? Move in with my parents and risk the cats going nuts over it? I’d love to save the money, but…the effort we’d have to go into moving all our stuff out and into a rented pod, and then getting settled in my parents’ house, and sticking the cats in the basement, and then having to move the pod to the new house and unpack it all again…blech.

So, a 3-month extension will extend our lease at our apartment complex until December (with, I believe, an eviction date of January 31st, but I’m not sure). I was wary about doing this, because our landlady was so sneaky about it and I don’t want to be swept into some sketchy deal that has us paying money out the ass for stuff we aren’t made aware of ahead of time. But my mother, and husband, both think it’s the best course of action. So that’s what we’re going with. If we don’t have a house by the time the lease ends, then we’ll move in with my parents and probably wait until spring (and after a certain event, that could or could not happen, happens) to resume our house hunt.

But I don’t think it’ll get that far. In fact, I bet once we sign that 3-month extension, we’ll find a house and have to shell out double mortgage and rent payments for three months for nothing. Just watch. That’s how our life works.

In other news…my leg is better. The muscle cramps and spasms are less. I now sleep with no brace on because the new brace is uncomfortable and the old one immobilizes my leg and causes the muscle spasms to flare up. This means my knee is sore in the morning, but not too much so.

Not much else to report. I’m tired and I’m at work (clearly not working, whoops). Just wanted to update you all on how things are going! A little less stress, but in a way, still kind of the same. Stress that’s no longer needed just replaced by new stress. Hah!

Steady, Freddy…

Where I am: 6w5d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: tired almost all the time, boobs sore all the time (feel best in a bra, grumble grumble), nausea, digestive issues, food (and smell) aversions…

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I’m sorry it’s been a while. You’ll read what J and I have been up to in the unprotected post.

I’m closing in on 7w already. The symptoms keep me somewhat grounded, but for the most part I am just constantly trying to keep myself calm and distracted. I am slowly creeping up on what I’m dubbing the “Red Zone” (8-12w), which is probably where I will be the most high-strung and psychotic about this pregnancy. Sure, I’ll probably worry all the time, because RPL just does that to you, but I’ve never made it past 9w. And, as you all know, I walked around thinking I had a growing baby in my tummy for nearly a month, only to find out at my NT scan that Baby Bean had passed only days (maybe hours) after my 8w6d scan. Right now…like my good friend ACalmPersistence is, I’m in low gear. Cruising along nice and slow. Just sputtering along, keeping the gears running but not too fast. I think I’m officially in the single digits of days until my 8w ultrasound.

The symptoms are in full-ish swing. My stomach feels crappy pretty much all day, every day. Bowel movements are a joke. I also sometimes get no warning as to when they would like to make an appearance. So that’s fun.

I am pretty sure I wake up at least once every night to pee. The record so far was the other night…it was four or five. Definitely the forerunner for most times in one night.

I know this has zero to do with not having room (because Bug is not taking up any of my breathing space) but I am constantly needing to take deep breaths. Or yawn, to get enough oxygen. I’ve heard this is because of increased blood volume? I take that as a good sign, as well. I’m also exhausted all the time, so…also a reason for the excessive yawning.

I swear, I intend to blog nearly every day, and never get around to doing so. I’m guessing it’s because I’m tired. Because there’s nothing really to blog about, except symptoms. My fear. My intense desire to be in the second trimester already so I can feel the slightest bit of relief.

There is something I do want to talk about. My next appointment…my ultrasound. It’s being done in one of the facilities in Boston, because my RE only works where I live a few days a week for a few hours at a time. He mostly works in Boston, and does a lot of IVF procedures and OB surgeries in other facilities and hospitals around the city (he’s a busy man!), and unless I wanted to wait another week, I had to go my practice’s Boston location.

Which is where I had my last ultrasound on Christmas Eve. The day I found out Baby Bean was gone.

It doesn’t panic me…yet. I know that when we head in on that Friday morning, though, I’ll be freaking out. The good thing is, because of my leg, we’ll be driving and not riding in on the train. Hopefully that makes a difference to my anxiety level. But still…same facility. A week’s worth of time shy of when my last baby’s heart stopped beating. I think it’s safe to say I might suffer some extreme PTSD. But I am going to hope the deepest of hopes that there is a good outcome.

I still feel like this pregnancy isn’t really real yet. I’m still ever waiting for that other shoe to drop. I feel like I am reading a bad book, and I know how it’s going to end, but I keep reading anyway.

That was morbid. And sad. And more depressed-sounding than I intended. I don’t know, I guess this is how I’ll feel for a while. It does suck, to not be able to fully enjoy everything. As much as I feel like we, J and I, are enjoying things. He calls me “pregnant wife” or mentions the baby at least once a day. I guess it’s kind of like a dream. It feels real, and I can be happy in the dream, but there’s that nagging feeling in the back of my head like I know I’m dreaming and will inevitably wake up.

I guess that’s the same analogy of the book. Jesus, I’m just going to shut up about it now. I slept 10 hours last night, but I’m still tired. My brain doesn’t want to work. (I was also just on a conference call for two and a half hours. So…there’s that.)

I have more frustrations I’d like to blog about, also password-protected, that aren’t directly pregnancy-related, but that’s for another time when I can emotionally and physically handle actually writing it all out.

For now…I’ll leave you with this. Only 9 days until my next appointment.

YIKES.

I Really Dislike You, Accident

Fun story: J has been walking around with a fracture in his 10th rib for three weeks.

Whoops.

He finally went and saw the doctor earlier this week, both of us suspecting a fracture, and the doctor confirmed it with chest x-rays.

In other news, the pain in my calf gets worse every day. It sucks! I think it’s because I keep moving around my leg (which, honestly, I’m supposed to, to get the muscles loose again). But the pain makes me not want to move it around anymore. But I know that’s the wrong way to feel about it because if I stop stretching those muscles, they will tighten again. And all of this pain would’ve been for nothing.

I couldn’t sleep last night, it was so bad. J got home after midnight and spent half an hour just massaging my leg for me so I could finally get some rest.

He’s amazing. Even with his own injury, he takes such good care of me.

That is all. Just a quick update. Hopefully seeing some houses this weekend. Constantly going, going, going, we are. No break in sight!

Lucky Bug Has a Heartbeat

Where I am: 5w6d
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: exhausted and sleep-deprived, boobs hurt, nausea and digestion problems, super-smelling nose (which means aversions)

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My precious, little, singular Lucky Bug is measuring 6w1d. Heartbeat was 99bpm. Dr. O says this is normal.

I am…overwhelmed.

There are so many emotions and thoughts and worries and hopes going through my head. But mostly, I’m sleep-deprived and exhausted from literally being panicked from the second I woke up to the second the technician turned the screen toward me.

Of course I’d love to write more. Of course. But the above reasons, plus the fact that I am at work and on an even shorter time schedule (appointment ran late, and my mom is sick so J is picking me up before he leaves for work at 3:00), I cannot. I just wanted to get on here and share the news with you guys, because I didn’t want you to be biting your nails off with worry.

We have a long road ahead. I’m so nervous. But so grateful that, today, Bug had a heartbeat. I saw it flickering. Bug is alive. ❤

Progress, Pain, and Life

Life’s rough right now, my friends. Life…is rough.

This is going to be a LONG post as I catch y’all up, so bear with me.

Hanging In There

Where I am: 25dpo
Medications: Crinone
Symptoms: fatigue hits between 5:00-7:00PM every day like clockwork, boobs hurt like crazy, dull cramping on and off almost every day, not exactly nauseous but my stomach is not digesting well…oh I can also smell everything!

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Sorry it’s taken me so long to update. It’s been nothing but craziness lately, as you will read from my unprotected post. Not to mention, despite the big wave hitting at that designated time every evening, I’m basically tired 24/7.

I think I am still majorly in denial. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed. I have exactly two sleeps until my first ultrasound, and part of me feels like it’s going to be good news, and part of me is filled with dread like it knows it’ll be bad news.

I’m terrified.

Thankfully, my sore-as-hell boobs that ache when I take my bra off at the end of the day reassure me. So does my defunct digestive system. Just before I sat down to type this, I had to crutch like a madwoman to the bathroom because all of a sudden, my body was like, “Evacuation time!” I know that’s more than you need to know, but just deal with it.

The nausea is barely nausea. My only craving, so far, of something I didn’t like before is peaches. That’s just weird. Especially since the furry texture always turned me off to them. Huh.

I go through periods of being starving, and then being not hungry at all.

I’m tired all the time. I’m sleeping terribly because of the anxiety, and because of the pain in my leg. The pain is unbearable, and this pregnancy is preventing me from taking anything to help like a muscle relaxer. I’m not complaining about the pregnancy, I promise, I am complaining about the leg. Had it not been for the accident, I wouldn’t be in this intense pain that distracts me all day at work and keeps me up all night.

Well…I guess we can’t know that if the accident hadn’t happened, that I still would have gotten pregnant. We’ll never know because things went down the way they went down and that’s all there is to it. Right?

This is a shit entry, because I have nothing much to say, but I wanted to update you all.

Oh, I did want to tell you this: hubby and I are having a playful argument about this little thing’s nickname. You know, how our last was Baby Bean…I’ve seen Blob, Blobby, Peanut, and other nicknames thrown about on Twitter and WordPress. Well, back in December, after the second miscarriage, when I sealed the ultrasound photos in an envelope and wrote “Baby Bean” across the front, I told my husband I never wanted to refer to our next or any pregnancy as a bean. That nickname was for BB, and BB only. It’s sacred. So we decided the next one would be Lucky.

Well, now I started this whole #teamjunebug thing, and I’ve been referring to this one as Bug, but J wants it to be Lucky. So I told him, if there’s two in there, they can each have a nickname. If there’s one, then I guess we’ll have to duke it out for which nickname prevails. Cute, right? Disgustingly cute, and kind of obnoxious, but I wanted to share because it’s one of the few things that has made me feel like this pregnancy is real.

Oh yeah, and shoving Crinone up my vagina was all well and good for the 2ww, but having to do it for the entire first trimester is going to be a bitch. I am sore as hell in there! Welp!

Mostly, I’m nervous. I’m so scared. I’m so anxious. I wish it was Thursday at 8:30AM right now, and at the same time, I never want that moment to come. I want to live in limbo for as long as I can, because I can’t get hurt in limbo. Blissful ignorance.

Two sleeps. Less than 48 hours, now. And I’m hanging in there.

#teamjunebug

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P.S. Just for fun, if you feel like it, I’m taking bets on one or two (or three if you really want to piss me off, HAH!) babes in there. Throw your wager in the comments if you’d like. Of course, J and I don’t care how many there are. All we want is a perfect, little, heartbeat. ❤