Because I Can’t Keep Quiet At All

I can’t. I have to wait at least another day while the proper people are informed and blah blah frickin’ blah.

This is not even TTC-related, but I am so anxious to get it out there and write about it and I can’t on my public blog and I’m losing my mind.

I got the job. At my work. The permanent, full-time editorial position.

GUYS I GOT THE FRIGGIN’ JOB. I FINALLY HAVE A JOB IN MY FIELD.

I can’t even…

I can’t. Not even a little.

Aside from the fact that I’ve been waiting four whole years for a job in my field, aside from that…this job…

…okay, this is going to go TTC-related. This job means so many things. It means I have, for the first time in over a year, a full-time permanent job. For the first time in forever, I have a job in my field.

I have a normal paycheck. Not that we were struggling before, but the fertility stuff was eventually going to start making things really difficult. Treatments aside, possible ER visits or procedures or prenatal care…the money was going to start dwindling somewhere. And our precious tiny “baby fund,” compiled of all the money we got from our wedding over two years ago now, was going to have to be touched. And then the money we’d want to eventually spend on our newborn baby would start to disappear.

Same with the mortgage. And everything else that comes with buying a house. Sure, we have our down payment set aside (and that came to us only out of tragedy) but there’ll be expenses. New appliances. Painting. Furniture. Higher bills. Etc, etc.

And we went into this year kind of saying, “Well, screw it. Let’s close our eyes and hope for the best.” And we did. And I applied to this job with my eyes closed, my breath held, and I got it.

Were not millionaires now. My new salary, while AMAZING considering I’m used to living off of a meager near-minimum wage thanks to over ten years in retail, doesn’t mean we can afford a giant house. Or even a house bigger than what we planned on anyway, in fact. It doesn’t mean we can do a zillion medicated cycles or IUIs or IVF treatments, or adopt a baby as easy as 1-2-3.

But this job…it means so much. It means I can breathe a little easier. It means if we run into a speed bump with buying our house, we won’t sail over the median and crash head-on into a Mack truck. We might get into a little fender-bender, but we’ll be okay. We’ll be able to drive home safe.

And it means benefits. It means more health insurance. It means maybe infertility still won’t be covered, but eventually being doubly-covered for prenatal care might make up for the dent that treatments will put us in. It means maternity leave.

I’m sorry, I know I’m rambling. But I smile-cried the whole way home today. I feel like things have been going so wrong, for so long. I needed this job, just like I need us to buy a house. I am so tired of things being taken away from me, from me and J. I don’t know what the hell is in store for us regarding TTC, but at least I know it’s not infecting every other damn part of my life. I’m not being followed by the dark cloud I thought was haunting every waking moment. I feel like our life’s felt stagnant for years as I’ve navigated the publishing world and struggled to find my footing and a job, suffered miserable jobs in retail where I was overworked and underappreciated, and as we continued to put everything in our lives on hold while we TTC. I almost didn’t go to grad school because of the miscarriage. I almost didn’t take the job I have now because of grad school. We almost didn’t start seriously thinking about a house because of two miscarriages and the realization that we needed medical help.

Well screw you, infertility and recurrent miscarriage. We’re moving on without you.

I know I play tough on here but I have been fighting a dark place ever since December. And I myself didn’t realize until I drove home how this job offer really affected me. I didn’t realize I was holding out for it so much.

Okay. I feel better now. Oh except for one more thing.

Hey future baby. I hope wherever you are, you’re seeing and hearing this right now. Mommy’s got a good job, so she can buy you the things you need. Mommy and Daddy are going to buy a house for all of us, too, where you’ll have your own room, and a backyard to play in. So you see? We’re ready for you now. More ready than we’ve ever been. So you can come home, now. Everything will be here for you when you arrive. ❤

Waiting for Aunt Flow

Where I am: CD24
Medications: none
Symptoms: moody, pimply, PMSy

---

It’s June! It’s June, it’s June, it’s June.

And I am telling you what I am not going to do.

I’m not going to get my hopes up. No, ma’am.

I’ll be honest with you. I want to get pregnant this month. And I feel like it could happen. I heard back from the RE about the dosage of Clomid I’ll be on (50mg, down from 100mg) and after being a little panicked and disheartened (because I hear about how so many don’t respond to 50mg) I was reassured by a select Twitter buddy or two that since I over-responded to 100mg, 50mg should be perfect for me since anything other than IVF requires a maximum of two mature follicles per cycle. I am so hoping this is the case. I am hoping my body and lady bits are okay, and that my baseline will be fine, and that my ovaries will tenderly and reasonably accept the Clomid and produce a few good strong happy follies and I’ll trigger and everything will be great.

But…BUT…I am not holding my breath.

Because I’ve still been achy down there. I’m concerned my ovaries might be a little effed up from the last cycle and possible OHSS. I’m preparing myself for a bad baseline. That I may need to take a cycle off to allow my system and lady bits to normalize. I’m also preparing myself for a poor response to the Clomid, be it under- or overstimulation. It could happen. We are evidently still figuring things out.

But this month is going to be good. I’ve got a lot of happy things going on. It seems every weekend is full of something to do. My niece’s birthday is this weekend, so I’ll be going with her and my sister-in-law to get a mani/pedi (I am SO OVERDUE FOR ONE OF THESE!), maybe a concert with my cousin the weekend after that. In a few weeks, the hubby and I will be spending a weekend in NY for a Swarovski event (don’t ask, haha). At the end of the month, we’ll be attending one of his Iraq battle buddies’ weddings. The next morning, we leave for our vacation. Washington DC for the first half, Virginia Beach for the second.

In December (because, little did we know, Baby Bean had passed weeks before), he had to put in his vacation time with his job and, given that they didn’t have paternity leave, he took his time off around when the baby would be born. Since we thought everything was fine, and everything would go right this time.

Whoops.

July 6th, 2014 is going to be a bitch and a half to get through. To counteract that, we are taking our vacation during that timeframe, instead of staying home and feeling sorry for ourselves because we know why he really has this time off. We should be saving the money (though my parents, as J’s birthday gift, will be paying for most if not all hotel expenses) since we’re buying a house this summer, but we both agreed we deserve the break. We haven’t taken a vacation together since our honeymoon two years ago, so this is well overdue. We deserve to get away, to enjoy the time rather than bemoan it. On the 6th, I will be by the ocean soaking up sunlight and saltwater. I’ll probably be out to dinner with my husband that evening. We will acknowledge our loss, and probably feel sad…and I might even cry (read: probably)…but we are not going to wallow.

So even if we have another cycle cancelled in a row, or are anxiously awaiting the results of the cycle (which, if AF comes this week–and she should because my face looks like a pimple warzone–we could be), we are going to keep our heads up. I am going to keep my head up. I need to keep going with the flow, rolling with the punches, this summer. For the first time since I started grad school in the fall, I’ve been enjoying the weather and my friends and family–and I need to keep that up. TTC be damned. Especially at the end of this month, and the beginning of this month.

Phew. Okay.

In other news, as the title and previous paragraphs suggest, I am waiting for Godot Aunt Flow. My face is breaking out, my emotional stability yesterday was insanely tenuous, and I am CD24. Last cycle was 27 days long (granted, I was on progesterone that time, and the sudden drop in the hormone once I stopped probably helped AF along), so I’m hoping sometime this week will be the day. Whether I pass the baseline or not, I just want to know so I can move on with this month, you know?

I have also decided to take it upon myself to seek a specialist help regarding my thyroid problem. There’s one in the endocrinology department at the office I go to near my apartment, so I’m calling them today after I leave work to set up an appointment. I appreciate and really like Dr. O, but he’s got a lot to worry about. My thyroid, my pituitary, my ovaries, my uterus, blah blah blah. I understand he can’t dedicate all his time to figuring out my thyroid. And honestly, I think having one person focusing all their energy on this problem will be better than him doing it anyway. Less distraction, right? I hope so. I need to do what I need to do to get my rainbow baby.

I’ll check back in later this week, ladies (and gents). Hopefully next time I do, I’ll be in the throes of a new cycle. 🙂