Where I am: CD9
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired
Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.
Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.
I think I’ve hit my first wall.
And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.
Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.
But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.
So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.
I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.
I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.
I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.