Losing It

Where I am: CD9
Medications: none
Symptoms: twinges/pulling in ovaries, bloating, headache, tired

Nearly seven months in, and I’m losing my shit.

Granted, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for longer than that. Over a year and a half. But it’s been seven months since the end of my last pregnancy, and the start of fertility testing and treatment.

I think I’ve hit my first wall.

And it’s fucking ridiculous. This is only my third medicated cycle.

Why the fucking fuck am I freaking the hell out right now? I’m literally sick to my stomach. And it’s only a follicle ultrasound. It is only a goddamn monitoring appointment.

But I guess that’s not what I’m scared of. I’m scared of it not working. I’m also scared of it working. There have been a lot of BFPs and a lot of success and birth stories lately, but there have been a lot of BFNs and losses and heartbreaks, too. When I joined this community, the good seemed to always be outweighing the bad. Now, not so much.

So it’s a Catch-22. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. No matter what the outcome is tomorrow, I feel like I can’t breathe.

I want this so bad, that it physically hurts in my heart. I can really feel it. A longing so intense, it’s painful. And then there’s the fear that starts in the very pit of my stomach and then just spreads to the rest of my body, paralyzing me.

I’m angry at myself. I thought I was stronger than this. There are so many of you going through much harder shit than this, and yet here I am crying and complaining about my stupid third cycle in seven months of treatment. It’s pitiful. It’s shameful.

I guess I had this coming after the past weekend. There’s nothing that causes reality to knock the wind out of you quite like living in ignorance for a spell and burying all the feelings down.

20 thoughts on “Losing It

  1. You are allowed to feel how you feel. We don’t compare heartache here. We all go through a lot! Be kind to yourself! ❤

  2. I completely agree with the other ladies, you are allowed to have freak outs! Just remember that they do come to an end and then it is time to be positive again 🙂 I also agree with that we don’t compare heart aches. We all have our own and just because they are own it doesn’t mean they are better or worse, they are just that, our own.

  3. I agree as well, go figure, how many rants have I had over the past seven months too?! I mean give yourself a break. Not only are you seven months out from your first pregnancy but you have natural hormones along with a SHIT TON of faux hormones all going against you. These meds basically make us all pubescent girls with a side of menopausal symptoms. Then add to the mix stupid life issues (even non issues, just life) and the grab bag of emotions thAt come with wanting to get pregnant. THATS A LOT TO HANDLE don’t you think? Your warranted a big fat freak out.

    • Guh…that’s the thing. I feel like all the hormones are killing me this time and then I’ve got stress about other things going on in my life and everything is just piling up I guess. I guess I thought since I’ve been pregnant twice before that I would’ve been pregnant again by now. It’s a hard reality to swallow. 😦 ❤

  4. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Just feeling bad is enough pain all by itself. 🙂
    It hurts to miscarry, to lose babies, to get BFNs– no matter how long you’ve been trying or how many times it’s happened. You’re surrounded by people who have similar struggles, but there are tons of fertiles out there who don’t know this pain. It’s a lot to handle. It’s a big deal. It’s OK to lose it sometimes.
    I hope this is THE cycle for you!!!

  5. I think you should win some kind of award for making it this far before totally losing your shit. I mean hell, I’ve been losing it every other day for over a year. You are a rock star. Here’s hoping that the first fertility freakout is also the last–and that the drugs that are making your hormones insane are doing exactly what they’re supposed to do!

    • Haha well I have had plenty of meltdowns in the past, between my two pregnancies last year and while I was being tested and having procedures done…but this is the first freak-out I’ve had about a cycle. 😦 The first one, I was just so sure it wouldn’t work, and the second got cancelled. I want this one to work more than the other two. It’s bothering me how badly I want it. 😦 And then I’m scared of it working, because of course I’m paranoid about another miscarriage. Ugh! It doesn’t end. ❤

  6. I wish you didn’t have to go through this fertility hell hun. I am feeling emotional today and could cry a river for all of us!!! Hope you are ok and things go well this cycle!! I have my fingers crossed for you!

  7. I can relate this soooo much! Seven months since my last loss and the start of fertility testing/treatment and I have totally started to lose my shit as well. The longing is so intense it brings me to tears. Crossing my fingers for both of us ❤

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