Cautiously Hopeful and Excited but Scared Shitless

Where I am: CD4
Medications: Clomid, Day 2 of 5
Symptoms: moody!


(Fun side note: I started typing this up earlier today at work, and then Adobe Pro wasn’t working, so I had to share my desktop with the IS guy, and the window ended up popping up when he tried to shut down all other programs…for a good ten seconds…yeah it was just wonderful. Super embarassing. *sigh*)

I’m sorry for the short and almost non-emotional post yesterday. I was very much in a processing state of mind! You see, this is my third Clomid cycle. Despite the fact that I think I was gypped the first time with that stupid monster follicle. Despite the fact that I definitely was gypped last cycle due to the cancellation.

This is my third cycle.

Which means the chances that my RE will force me on a month-long break are probably good? The chances that we will switch to injectables are probably good? The possibility of transitioning to IUIs…I don’t know.

This is just based on research. Clomid is not recommended for more than 3 back-to-back cycles, and no more than 6 total.

Ugh.

You see, when I found out this cycle was a go, I got so full of hope. So full of hope. And I don’t like that. I don’t like to be so hopeful. It makes the fall harder.

I got a hold on that, though. I waited up for the hubby (since he was too busy at work to call or text me back) and talked to him. He talked me down, told me to relax until the monitoring appointment next week. Because now we know, just because I pass the baseline doesn’t mean I have a definite chance of going through with it. That’s all up to my little follies.

Speaking of which, the Clomid and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday. We had a little pow-wow, me and the Clomid and my ovaries. We’re all working together. All for the same goal. To get a few (at most) good, plump, healthy follies with good, mature, healthy eggs. I don’t want to hurt my ovaries, my ovaries don’t want to hurt me…we’re all working toward the same goal.

To get me pregnant.

*deep, zen breathing*

So I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to be hopeful and think positive, but also guarding myself. Because I want to get pregnant so bad this cycle. We’ll be testing while on vacation, and it would just be amazing to return home with one extra passenger—so to speak.

Ugh, I don’t know. See, even as I try to write, I can’t get my thoughts straight. I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired, or because I’m still overwhelmed. I don’t know why I’m so overwhelmed. I’ve been here two times before. Why am I so anxious this time?

Sorry, I really meant for this to be more cohesive. Alas, tomorrow is Friday. Which means New York is two days away! We’re heading to Long Island Saturday morning…taking the ferry from Connecticut. The Swarovski event is Sunday afternoon, and then we’ll be back Sunday night. Sunday night is also the last night of Clomid. So once these three wonderful days with my husband are over, I’ll have only three sleeps until the monitoring appointment.

Come on, follies. Come on, Clomid. Let’s work together. Let’s make this happen. Please. I’m desperate. I’m scared.

#teamjunebug

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8 thoughts on “Cautiously Hopeful and Excited but Scared Shitless

  1. I’m glad you had a chat with your ovaries and the meds.. hopefully they all get on board and you won’t have to worry about a break, or injectables, or IUI’s or ANY of it!!

  2. I hope the clomid works just the right amount of magic for you this time. I had to sit out a clomid cycle too, and it felt so wasteful–made me nuts. Have a safe/fun trip!

  3. It is THE hardest line to walk. “Be hopeful, but not TOO hopeful, but don’t be a pessimist either; negativity can affect the outcome of a cycle*.” Ugh. Good luck and have a fun trip; rooting for you!

    * (I don’t actually believe this is true, unless you have been subjected to such severe trauma or deep depression that it causes changes to your ovulation/cycle. Just regular ole Eeyore pessimism isn’t going to make or break anything and sometimes is just unavoidable.)

  4. Glad you’re remaining hopeful hon. I know how hard it can be! I really, really hope this is it! Good luck at your monitoring appointment this week! Keeping everything crossed for you!

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