Why I Don’t Mind Seeing BFPs in the Community

I know that, for many, seeing others in the IF/RPL community get BFPs can be hard. As much as we want to support each other, as much as we want to see others succeed, it is still hard to not wonder, Why not me?

And I understand that. I feel it sometimes, too. I see all these women popping up with their BFPs on here and on Twitter and, as soon as the congratulations are out of my mouth, I feel that little pinch of jealousy…of envy…of resentment. What about me?

I’m part of a group on the Baby Bump app I downloaded the week I got my first BFP last year. There are message groups/forums abound on there, and while I haven’t made any everlasting pals on there like I have on here and on Twitter, I do find some comfort there. The group I am a part of was for women starting new TTC cycles in April, and was a small amount of people (less than 20 members) and we all started posting on there. We shared our stories. We shared our symptoms. Most of us shared our BFNs. But two women shared their BFPs. Right off the bat, they were successful and the rest of us were not.

And I felt it again. The old faithful, Why them and not me? Why? WHY? I felt jealous, I felt sadder for myself.

Well, within a week each of announcing their BFPs, both of them miscarried. For one it was her third, for the other—her sixth, and last. She’s given up at this point. It’s too painful for her. She can’t deal with it anymore.

Another person I found here on WordPress earlier this year  just announced last week that she has lost her second pregnancy.

And that, my friends, is why I don’t mind seeing your BFPs. Your pregnancy posts. Your post-pregnancy photos. Because I cried when these three women lost their sweet little could-have-been babes. To see more losses only breaks my heart in a way it doesn’t break when I see others being successful when I’m not. It hurts more.

And it scares me, too. I feel such hope and strength when I watch you ladies being successful on medicated cycles, successful with a viable pregnancy even after so many losses. But when I see someone lose another baby, again, it terrifies me. It makes me wonder, but in a different way: What about me?

What if what happened to them, happens to me…again?

I know everyone is entitled to their opinions. I don’t speak for the whole community. I know that each and every one of us needs to protect our hearts, our sanity, and that means doing what is best for us in the moment. And sure, there may come a day or two when I don’t feel the same temporarily…or, maybe, permanently. But for right now, I love seeing your posts. I love seeing your success. It gives me hope. It gives me the strength to keep trying. It reassures me that sometimes, it does work out. ❤

20 thoughts on “Why I Don’t Mind Seeing BFPs in the Community

  1. Thank you for sharing. I just had a conversation about enjoying other’s joy. It is bittersweet, for sure, but it does bring me hope for myself and happiness for them.

    Best wishes to you.

  2. Lovely post. I feel the same way but I must admit I didn’t always feel this way. I remember the pangs of “why not me” so vividly. I still get horribly envious of IRL friends BFPs to the point of avoiding friendships but I will celebrate any IF/RPL BFP at every opportunity xx

    • Yeah I have a friend of mine who’s pregnant by accident and due right around the time I would have been due with my second pregnancy. And dealing with her is more painful than I can bear. All the baby bumps I see in the world hurt me, too. But for some reason, IF/RPL BFPs don’t hurt as bad. Almost like I feel like they deserve it more? It’s cruel but it’s what I think. I dunno.

      Thanks for the comment. ❤

  3. Oh my gosh… I was just getting ready to start typing a post “stuck in limbo” because I’m not sure if I am welcome in the IF community anymore. Sigh. I feel guilty posting my BFP and then continuing to blog about my pregnancy. Thank you s much for your reassurance.. I will still blog my post but it makes me feel a little better about things 🙂

    • Oh honey, no. Don’t feel bad. You’re still welcome here.

      You have to be open to people unfollowing you. You just have to. Everyone needs to protect themselves, and they can’t all be me. 😉 And I am sure it hurts. When (see, I’m being optimistic!) I get my BFP, I’m sure I’ll say the same thing. “If you unfollow me, I’ll understand.” But I know it hurts. I know it does. You want to understand but you can’t help but feel a little rejected, a little sequestered, a little isolated. I’m sure it hurts. And I’m sorry. 😦

      But I reassure you, that’s not the same for everyone. Yeah it stings to see others getting what I want but it gives me hope. I love the vicarious-living style. I watch you ladies getting your BFPs and it strengthens me. So you’ll have people like me, who can stand to take it. And others, who can’t. But know we’re all rooting for you. 🙂 Especially me. Please keep blogging. I want to know everything. In a not creepy way. 😉 ❤

  4. I completely agree. I just read about another loss today that left me completely stunned and angry at the world today. It made me that much more grateful for each and every successful story on here, and it makes my heart ache that there aren’t more. The positive stories in our community gave me so much hope when I was in the throws of trying to get pregnant again, and now that I am, they’re the stories that keep me from going completely crazy with worry. Knowing it does work out for some of us keeps my hope alive. Hugs!

    • Exactly. All of your stories are what will probably keep me from going completely crazy when I’m pregnant again and terrified of another miscarriage. And again, that’s why I love the BFPs and success stories. Because the opposite scare me! Positive stories keep me strong, keep me trying, keep me sane. Knowing it still could happen.

      Besides with every BFP and success story (be it natural or medicated pregnancy, surrogacy, gestational carrier, adoption, anything that lands a baby in a person’s arms) we win just that little bit more against IF and RPL. IF and RPL lose one more woman to their cause. 😉 ❤

  5. Totally agree and if anything, it’s been too quiet in my neck of the woods. I haven’t seen any BFPs in ages and I really, really need/want to see one for someone I follow because all of them have been waiting for so long.

  6. Well said! It’s weird.. I like having the BFP announcements here, because I know how hard its been for all of us… so I feel a little more hopeful for myself at each BFP I see on WordPress, Youtube, Twitter… but it’s the annoucements in real life that get to me.. people that aren’t trying or that get pregnant the very first month… or that have 20 kids… But I’m doing goof at keeping that away from me…lol


  7. Pingback: Oh Proper Thyroid Function, Where Art Thou? | When Dreams Become Rainbows

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