Letting Go

Where I am: CD11
Medications: none
Symptoms: nothing

I’ve decided to let this cycle go.

The risk of getting pregnant with three or more babies is too scary. With my RPL, it is too big of a risk. I may regret it, but I can’t…I can’t do it. I just can’t. I looked into selective reduction and I don’t think I could do it knowing it was my fault that I had to decide to do it anyway.

I am getting my hair cut and colored this weekend. This weekend is also when J and I will celebrate our two-year wedding anniversary. I want to enjoy both, guilt-free. Hair dye and maybe some alcohol and non-pregnancy-or-TTC-approved foods.

We need to get pre-approved for a mortgage. We need to get this house-hunting started. The months are ticking by.

I won’t sugarcoat it. This hit me hard. I didn’t expect to have a cancelled cycle so soon (or at all, I guess). And after the tech told me we’d be good to go…I thought it was fine…and then it wasn’t…

I’m feeling really negative, really resentful. It blows. I don’t want to feel like this. But fighting it will only make it worse in the end. I need to let myself feel it. So I can move past it.

So May won’t be my month.

Here’s to June, then.


P.S. Thank you everyone for responding yesterday. I really appreciated all of the encouragement. And I would have needed it, had I chosen to go ahead…I just did my own research, and made my decision. But I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. Thank you. ❤

22 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. I completely support your decision considering the risks of RPL. I think RPL tends to make everything a bit more scary and setting yourself up for more complications and potential decisions involved with selective reduction.

    • It does. 😦 And I mean, if the doc has said I was good to go, and I had gone along with the cycle, and had gotten pregnant with multiples and would have to do selective reduction…then, I could maybe see myself doing it.

      But to go against doc orders and do it myself anyway? I don’t think I could face reduction knowing it was my fault we had to do it anyway, because I didn’t listen and was selfish. I couldn’t do that…

    • Thank you. OMG, I had purple streaks put in my hair back in JANUARY and since I have dark brown hair they had to bleach it before putting the purple in. Now I just have washed-out blonde-grey-ish looking streaks in my hair! It looks horrible! I kept putting it off because of TTC but no more! It is getting done on Saturday! Hahaha. ❤

      • It was fun! I did blue last year. 😀 I want to do another color (HOT PINK) but then I would have to worry about upkeep or recoloring it again and since TTC in the IF world is so unpredictable, I think I’ll stick with an all-over color that is closer to my natural color to prevent ugly hair during 1st trimester. Like right now. 😉

      • 🙂 Natural colors can be good too. I dyed my hair all different colors as a teenager, but have had it brown (with a little grey) since cancer treatment. Somehow, brown and grew don’t seem so bad anymore. 🙂 Have fun!

  2. Totally respect your decision. You have to go with what makes sense for you and in your heart.

    I just finished an IUI and had 7 mature follicles. My doctor approved the IUI and additional BDing with the understanding that we may have to do selective reduction. Today is 14dpiui… BFN. I start protocol for IVF on Sunday. Enjoy the break. Good luck!!

  3. This just sucks, but considering the risks, I think I would have made the same decision. It would just be too hard. I’m so very sorry though. I hope you and your hubby can have an amazing anniversary and just enjoy each other. Praying everything is perfect in June. Sending you so many hugs!

    • Yeah… 😦 Thank you for the advice, though. Honestly. I really took it to heart. And maybe next time I’ll do it (maybe like you this is the first time and I haven’t had that regret yet haha). I just couldn’t this time. 😦 Too scared.

      Thanks for everything though. I’m so glad I have people like you in my corner. ❤

  4. June is a better month than May, anyway! My birthday is in June, so I can say that. 🙂 I’m so sorry for the missed cycle, though. It’s defeating to have to pause when you feel like you have momentum. I will think good thoughts for you! Enjoy that anniversary!!!

    • Haha but I looooove Maaayyyy… 😥 Haha just kidding. June is a pretty good month, too. 😛

      It is defeating, but…I’m picking myself back up. Trying to be positive. Hopefully this weekend and celebrating our anniversary will cheer me up! ❤

  5. I’m new here… but I understand your struggle. I wish for you peace and the strength to get through this month. Enjoy your anniversary and your hair appointment.

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