Happy Mother’s Day

Where I am: CD1
Medications: none
Symptoms: none

Well here I am. Cycle Day 1, and it’s Mother’s Day.

How is that for ironic?

Honestly, you’d think I’d be upset about that…but truly, honestly, I’m not. Since I got my BFN beta on Wednesday, I have been willing my body to do its natural thing. Since I was 12 or 13, I’ve had long periods and long, random and infrequent cycles. Sometimes they would come every 4 weeks, sometimes 4 and a half, sometimes 5. My body is unreliable.

My fear was, with all the medications and the messing around my RE has been doing with my body for surgeries and procedures, that my body was—again—going to be confused and not get into its natural process on its own.

But it did. Thank God. I started cramping yesterday around dinnertime and by midnight I was spotting. I declared today CD1. If anything, all the manipulations have made my body more reliable. It’s weird. I used to cramp for days before my period, but the last two have involved cramping for less than half a day before AF shows her face.

I’m happy because that means we can get started again this week. I’ll call the office in the morning and hopefully they can get me in tomorrow or Tuesday, because Tuesday would be CD3 and I want to be able to start Clomid if I pass my baseline ultrasound. Fingers crossed for that.

I was going to treat myself to a manicure today, but I’m seriously in so much pain (that much hasn’t changed, apparently). Because I take aspirin daily, I don’t want to risk a stomach ulcer by taking ibuprofen every 4 hours (which used to be the norm for me), so I pretty much have to suck it up and get over it. I might try taking acetaminophen. That doesn’t work as well, though. Blech.

So instead, I’m going to couch-potato it. I finished Seasons 1-4 of Parenthood on Netflix and am now watching the most recent season on OnDemand (here’s hoping it gets picked up for a sixth season? I hear it’s still not confirmed yet…). I think I’ll binge-watch the show, eat some Easter chocolate, maybe drink some wine, and just relax.

Of course, I’ll be thinking of my lost babies. Specifically Baby Bean, who would’ve been 7mos grown in my belly at this point. I can’t ignore that fact.

But what I can do is hope for the future. Maybe this time next year I will have another baby, healthy and alive and kicking, in my belly. Or maybe I’ll have a little 2- or 3-month-old in my arms. Who knows?

I know I am a mother. Whether society sees me as one or not, I am a mother. I was a mother the day I got that first positive pregnancy test.

I’ll be thinking of all of you today. Those of you who’ve never been pregnant yet but are still trying. Those of you who want to be pregnant, but don’t have the means right now. Those of you who’ve been pregnant for a short time, like me, but lost their babies too soon. Those of you whose babies were only on this earth for a short time. Those of you who are pregnant right now, scared and nervous and guilty (though you shouldn’t be). Those of you who have your rainbow babies, be they biological or adopted.

We are all mommies. Happy Mother’s Day to you all. ❤

9 thoughts on “Happy Mother’s Day

    • Me too! Yarg! That’s the only downside to AF coming today, haha. Is the pain. I took some Tylenol though and it’s helping…Clomid seems to turn off AF right when I start taking it so at least, as long as I pass that baseline, I can count on the pains starting to taper off by Wednesday. Just gotta hold out until then.

      Sending love your way, too. 🙂 ❤

  1. This was beautiful, thank you. And I hope you feel better soon! If you are just taking 81mg of aspirin daily – it is okay to do a few doses of ibuprofen to get you through some of the pain – just make sure you take it with food. (that is the pharmacist in me talking 😉 )

    • Hahaha you’re a pharmacist??? That’s pretty cool. 😀

      Yeah, I know I could take a few…but honestly, I get such severe cramps that they won’t really go away unless I’m taking 2 pills every 4 hours on the nose and that is just too much meds all in one day. Combining it with the aspirin anyway. I’d rather not risk it. 😀 😀 Besides, I’m tough. I took Tylenol and it’s helping a little…or it might just be that I took my midday meds which includes the aspirin. Either way. Whatever. 😉

      Hope you were able to enjoy your day. Been thinking of you! 🙂 ❤

  2. Happy Mother’s Day to you too hon. I’m sorry AF arrived on this day, but praying it’s a good sign that this is a new beginning for you and for something wonderful to come very soon!

    • Thank you, hun. 🙂 It’s okay, honestly. I could’ve moped about the irony and cruelty of it all, but I welcomed it. I have been really anxious the last few days because I felt no signs of her coming, and then BOOM last night. Haha. It was a relief to reset the clock to CD1 again. I’m ready for the next cycle. Fingers crossed for a better outcome this time. 🙂

      If only I could just get through the cramping, though! Oi! 😀

  3. I love Parenthood! I still need to watch the rest of the most recent season, and I’ll be so sad if it’s not continued.

    I usually CD 1 b/c it feels like a fresh start.

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