Strength Fatigue?

Where I am: CD26
Medications: none
Symptoms: none

No, I don’t think that’s an actual term. I made it up. But I think it best describes what happened last night.

I got the BFN to end all BFNs (aka: a beta) on Wednesday. And I surprisingly took it well. I dusted myself off, ordered my next round of meds, and said “Better luck next time.” I went home to my husband, drank way too much wine (the hangover lasted all day…thank you, TTC, for making my tolerance basically zero), cooked dinner with him, got tons of snuggles and TV-watching in to make up for him being gone for 5 days, and went to bed. It was, more or less, an uneventful day.

And then for some reason (probably the hangover), I was just down all day yesterday. I felt like crap, physically. I had a somewhat good day, watching YouTube videos at work (boss is away at an expo) and getting coffee with a friend on my lunch hour. I had dinner with my parents, watched Survivor and Blacklist and some of the Bruins game. Went home, turned on Netflix, watched Parenthood until J came home.

And then he asked me if I was okay. I seemed off. What was wrong? I could talk to him. Was I upset about the failed cycle?

And I said I didn’t know. And then I said I was nervous. And then I said I wasn’t upset about the first Clomid cycle not working because I was actually scared of it being successful. I told him I was terrified of seeing that second line, because it would feel like the beginning of the end all over again. I’d be anxious and second-guessing every bit of spotting, every twinge in my abdomen, every second my boobs didn’t hurt. And then, if we were that lucky, we’d make it to an ultrasound, and see our baby, again, with a heartbeat, again. And we’d get attached, again. And then something horrible would happen and it would get taken away from us. Again.

And J was sweet. He held me. He told me he understood. He told me he was scared, too. He wiped away the few tears that managed to escape me, and calmed me down, and told me he would be here with me no matter what. And we’d make it through anything. He told me how strong I was.

And then I tried to go to sleep, while he went and took a shower and got ready for bed. In the hour-plus that it took for him to do all of that and come to bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. When I lay down, my heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest. He came back shortly before 3AM, and at some point I got up and went into the living room and that’s when it hit me.

I just started sobbing. Loudly. Hysterically. I went from feeling panicked and restless to overwhelmed and upset in a matter of seconds. Thankfully, J heard me and woke up and came into the living room and climbed onto the couch and under the blanket with me and put his arms around me. And I just cried. I said I was angry, and that it wasn’t fair, and that I just wanted to have a baby, and that I was sick of the universe making everything hard for us, and I was tired of being strong, and I was tired of feeling like we didn’t deserve to be parents. He said, “I know.” And he held me until it stopped. And then he brought me to bed, and rubbed my back until I fell asleep.

We can only be strong for so long…until we aren’t anymore. Resilience isn’t a forever type of thing. It comes and goes. And it went last night, for sure. You can say you’re strong all you want, and you may actually be so, but sometimes being strong is exhausting. At some point, you have to let go.

I think it took realizing what I am actually scared and nervous and apprehensive about to get me to release all of that emotion. The truth is what I said the other day: I’m really not upset about the failed cycle. There may come a day, very soon, when I will be.

But right now…the week of Mother’s Day, the week I get the shower invitation for a friend due within weeks of when I was, the week two months shy of July 6th which is when my sweet little “Baby Bean” would have been born, I am not upset about a failed cycle. I am still grieving. (And in a way, I’m trying to grieve already for the next one, which needs to stop.) I can’t even think about what a failed cycle means for me. I can’t think about whether or not I might actually have a difficult time getting pregnant now. All I can think of is what those two lines could mean and the pain that I went through last time and how absolutely, undeniably terrified I am of losing another baby.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

16 thoughts on “Strength Fatigue?

  1. You said some powerful words here. Although strength comes and goes, you are only dealt what you are strong enough to overcome. Consider what life without trying for that baby means. The heartache may be worth the potential positive outcome. Hang in there.*hugs*

  2. Oh hon I so understand this! I’m feeling it all right now too. I’ve been an emotional mess all week. This new pregnancy is bringing back all the memories of my previous pregnancies and all that we lost. I’m absolutely petrified for next weeks ultrasound and reliving all of that pain again. And even if it’s good, I still won’t rest easy. It sucks. The only thing that keeps me going is the what if. What if this time is different? Thinking about you and your little one that should have been. Praying this grief eases soon and sending you strength for your next cycle. It could go wrong again. It’s true, BUT it could also go so right! Hugs hon.

    • 😦 I’m sorry you are feeling the way I’m afraid to feel. I’m so hoping that everything works out for you this time and you see your strong little sticky baby next week. 🙂 And you’re right, it could go wrong again but it COULD go right. I just have to hold onto that hope. I think just with my would-be due date quickly approaching, the grief is becoming fresh again. I’ve been okay for months and it’s just kind of creeping up again. Plus a friend of mine is pregnant and due like a week or two later than I would have been. She sent me her baby shower invite this week and it just brought that pain back. I’d probably have sent MINE out a week or two ago. I’d be seven months. She and I would probably be hanging out all the time with our preggo bellies. Shopping for things. Etc etc. It just all creeps into my head even though I not only don’t want to think about it but also am trying to intentionally not think about it. Just a sucky situation all around.

      And even worse, no one else gets it! Mutual friends of ours are insisting I go! I mean, are you kidding me? They can’t understand that this girl, though I love her and feel for her and her unintended pregnancy (and the shit situation she’s in, with a guy who doesn’t treat her right and isn’t even involved right now) and the fear and anxiety she must be feeling right now…this girl literally embodies what I wanted to be. Everything she has and everything she is doing is what I would have been doing. It’s painful. They don’t get it. They think I’m being mean or selfish by not going. Ugh. 😦

      Anyway, done rambling now…haha. Thanks for the comment. I have and will continue to think of you and your little one in the coming days. Fingers crossed for a happy ultrasound. 🙂 ❤

      • You are NOT selfish!! You need to protect your heart. I can’t tell you how many showers and birthday parties I’ve missed because I couldn’t handle it. It’s gotten easier, but those first few years were impossible! These mutual friends are the ones who are selfish for not understanding how difficult this is for you! I’ll be thinking about you during the coming months and sending you so much love and strength to get through this painful time. Big hug hon.

    • Thank you. ❤ Yeah, I honestly thought I was fine (which was weird), but it just turns out I'm upset and anxious about everything in a different way and with a different perspective than I thought. I feel better today. I think I got the weepies out that I needed to, haha.

  3. Sometimes we have to cry really loudly and terribly. It happens and it’s ok. Of course you are scared to lose another baby. But you also are doing everything in your power to make sure it won’t happen again. Doctors, drugs, whatever. You are doing everything you can. And no, there isn’t anything more. iF tricks is into thinking we constantly need to change ourselves because it’s our fault.

  4. My husband and I “joke” that we must be some of the only people trying to get pregnant that also absolutely dread seeing those 2 lines telling us that we actually are pregnant again. There is no excitement left in pregnancy for us, but yet we are going to try again because one of these times it should work. Anyways, all of this is just meant to say, I can relate. I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best.

    • I 100% get what you mean. It doesn’t seem to make sense to be simultaneously hoping for and dreading seeing those two lines or hearing that you’ve got a measurable beta. 😦

      Thank you for your comment. Thinking of you, too, in your journey. ❤

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