Mother’s Day, Optimism and Pessimism, My “Big Fat Positives,” and the Actual BFNs

Where I am: CD23 [13dpt(rigger)]
Medications: Crinone 2x daily
Symptoms: occasional upset stomach, peeing all the time, exhausted really early…probably all progesterone symptoms…

Well, I’ve been testing daily since last Friday. Faint lines, lines that were so faint I thought I was imagining them, up until Saturday: BFN. Sunday: BFN. Monday: BFN.

Today: BF-frickin’-N.

Seeing a pattern here?

*throws hissy fit, cries in the corner, goes into a Hulk rage, calms down*

Obviously those lines were the remnants of the trigger. So I know to wait about 10-11 days to let that shit get out of my system.

But now? Nothing but negatives! I’m so…angry, and upset, and disappointed.

My beta is tomorrow morning before I head into work. Obviously, I’m expecting a negative. My Twitter friends have not failed to remind me, however, that it’s not over yet. So I’m not about to go stuff my face with feta cheese and tuna soaked in vodka, but I’m just preparing myself for the worst.

Which means, if it is a positive, I’ll be in for quite an amusing phone call. Will probably be wanting to sit down for it. Just in case I pass out from sheer surprise.

I’m always trying to be optimistic. I’ve tried to be throughout this first Clomid/Ovidrel cycle. I actually barely acknowledged the first half of the 2ww because I was so busy with school. But I’ve felt very pessimistic the last few days. Despite all these symptoms I have, I’ve just felt for sure it must be the buildup of progesterone. It has nothing to do with pregnancy. And I’m angry about it. I’m sad about it. But I’m trying to be optimistic about the future. I hope my RE says “let’s keep going” with another round of Clomid because there’s no stopping me. I want my goddamn baby already. If my body is ready, I’m ready.

Anyway, moving on, because like hell do I want to dwell on this probable epic failure (whoops, there’s that pessimism rearing its ugly head). Mother’s Day is this weekend. I bought my mom her gifts early and gave them to her this past Saturday (the “Mom” and December birthstone Alex & Ani bracelets–I know, how original, but she loves jewelry and has never had A&A before and absolutely loved them). I think she’s expecting me next Sunday, but I don’t think I can do it. Last year I was so devastated that I went from expectant mother to not-expectant mother in a matter of one weekend, and then with my second pregnancy I was excited to celebrate this year’s being expectant once again. But I’m not. So…J and I might just go look at houses instead. Or stay home and spend time together.

Two awesome things did happen yesterday though, which I am calling my own version of BIG FAT POSITIVES.

First, I got my grades for the last semester: both A’s! Which means my 4.0GPA is still intact after one year of school. I can’t believe it! My attention on school has been anything but 100%…between working full-time and then dealing with the fallout from my second miscarriage, and dealing with the testing and procedures and surgeries. I’m pumped that I was able to keep up on my academics despite it all.

Second, Sunday’s bloodwork revealed that I ovulated! This is a super achievement because it reassured me that my body’s doing what it should. With the hyperprolactinemia, and all the suppression and stimulation and hormones and procedures and surgery, I was slightly concerned that my body was going to be too “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON” to function properly. But it seems the opposite is true.

Of course, whether or not it results in a pregnancy remains to be seen. But, baby steps.

This also makes me feel a little better about that infamous 30mm. I ovulated, and that pain in my right ovary seemed to dissipate overnight, so the chances of it being a very mature follicle and not a cyst are probably good…right? I hope so. Especially if tomorrow ends with THE BFN. I don’t want to go in for a baseline and see that little fricker still kicking around in there like a stupid cyst-y butthole.

Once again, this post is a little all over the place. I keep meaning to write entries on here and then I either get distracted or can’t muster the strength. I think I’m still rebooting from school. My personal blog has been growing weeds…I haven’t been on it in about a week and a half. Whoops.

It’s 3:00PM and I’m ready for a nap. I’m tired. All. The. Time! If it’s not pregnancy, it’s the progesterone, and if that’s the case, then let’s hurry up and bring AF around so I can go back to being hormone-crazy on Clomid and get my energy back. Whew.

(By the way, I put up a new page about all the drugs I take. In case anyone wanted to know.)

7 thoughts on “Mother’s Day, Optimism and Pessimism, My “Big Fat Positives,” and the Actual BFNs

  1. Congratulations on your 4.0…..right there with ya sister!! At least we’re doing something right!!! I’m hoping that you were just testing too early too and your BFP is just around the corner, really hoping that’s the case. Thinking of you!!

    • Haha well I guess at 13dptrigger that means I’m like 9 or 10dpo? So maybe it’s early? And maybe I don’t have enough HCG to detect on a pee stick? And maybe it’s that they are blue dye and not pink dye and aren’t as sensitive? And maybe it’s because they are store-bought?

      Blah. I hate the 2ww. Stupid.

      Thanks. 🙂 And thanks!! (for the school congrats) It does make me feel good. That and the fact that hubby and I will be buying our house this summer. Moving forward in the face of RPL/IF. So THERE. 🙂 ❤

  2. Woo hoo! Congrats on you 4.0 and ovulating! That’s great news. I’m hoping you get even more great news soon!

  3. : ( I’m so so sorry for your bfns hon. Praying it’s just too soon and you’ll be having that amusing phone call tomorrow. Your outlook is amazing though. Those are some big fat positives! I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow.

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