Nervous As Hell

Where I am: CD8
Medications: none (waiting on trigger)
Symptoms: tired, dizzy, nauseous, pretty friggin’ emotional, and a little sore where my ovaries are…I think…

The last few days have been less fun. Whereas I slept deeply and soundly the first three nights of the Clomid, the last two left me not so lucky. The fourth night I was up before 7:00AM tossing and turning, trying to ignore the yucky feeling in my tummy. And then last night, on my fifth and final Clomid night, I had horrible insomnia until almost 4:00AM, which resulted in extreme nausea and an emotional breakdown. The second of the day, actually. The third of the entire weekend.

Well, guess my hormones are responding. Awesome.

It always seems to be the case for me: when it rains, it pours—and this is no different. In the next week and a half, I will be finishing up my first year of graduate school, (hopefully) triggering and baby-dancing and entering the dreaded 2ww, and calling the realtor we just hired last week to give her a list of towns we want to look. (Yeah, we got pre-approved last week. Kind of accidentally. J was calling to find out how to go about the whole process, and they handheld him through everything right to the pre-approval and assigned us a realtor we won’t have to pay for. Thanks VA loan and!)

I think in general, I’m overwhelmed. There’s a lot going on in our life right now, and they are all shifting moving parts that interconnect with each other, and I’ve been doing my damndest to keep the gears from getting jammed up. My biggest fear is that I will let the stress and anxiety of the next few weeks get to me and it will affect my chances of getting/staying pregnant. The last thing I need to do is to help my body suck at that; it’s doing a grand enough job on its own already.

But I want to talk about what prompted me to write this post in the first place. Because of the aforementioned emotions, I’ve started to let the negative feelings start sweeping in. You know, it’s been nothing but anticipation and excitement since we found out we’d be starting our first Clomid/HCG-trigger cycle, and I’ve kind of been riding that through the last few weeks. But with CD10 looming overhead, and the dreaded 2ww to come after, I’ve got all new feelings to feel.

Dread. Anxiety. Nervousness. Fear. Sadness. Paranoia.

How do you approach this? Just…how? On the one hand, I want to be positive. Of course, I only want to have to do one cycle of fertility meds and want to get pregnant and have a healthy baby after nine long months. So that’s what I should hope for, right? Positive thinking…positive outcome?

But then there’s the Negative Nancy side of me, telling my wishful little heart not to put all my eggs in one basket (little bit of infertility humor there, HAH…also Easter) and to be cautious. It’s not common for women to get pregnant on their first cycle. It happens, but it’s not a high percentage or anything. And if I really let myself get caught up in this cycle and end up with a nasty BFN next month, is it going to crush my heart and soul that much more? Shouldn’t I guard against that?

I’m scared to be too hopeful for the fear of only hurting myself more in the end. I’m scared to be too guarded because I honestly don’t want to be feeling negative when I’m literally trying to will my body to do what it’s supposed to do.

I’m just at a loss. Also, I don’t think Clomid is helping matters at all. Super emotionally fragile. JEEZ.

4 thoughts on “Nervous As Hell

  1. I totally can relate to how you are feeling! Try to be positive, even though it is hard. Negative Nancy tends to dominate my thoughts as well. I catch myself being almost disconnected to what is going on with TTC, while at the same time it consumes my every thought – if that makes any sense at all…

    • Oh my god, it makes TOTAL sense. 😦 It’s amazing how we go through our days and we go maybe a few minutes or even a few hours without thinking about it for once. But it never sticks. It leaks into my train of thought every day, almost all day. It’s horrible. And Negative Nancy…oh man. What a bitch she is. I’m trying so hard to stay positive but I’m scared to BE positive in case it doesn’t work. I’m terrified with how I’ll handle it. Blahh. Thanks for commenting, though, I’m glad I’m not alone haha. ❤

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