Where I am: CD5
Medication: Clomid, Day 2 of 5
Symptoms: nauseous, dizzy, tired
…that is the question.
Something possessed me on the way home from class the other night. There’s a 24-hour Walgreens right at the base of the hill that leads to my apartment complex, and as I was driving home I just found myself pulling into the parking lot! Walking in the store! Down the aisle for family planning…
…walked out about five minutes later with
nearly $80 worth a shameful amount of HPTs.
*insert sad, downward-looking face here*
You should have seen the look on my husband’s face. And then the look of desperation that must have been on my face as I tried to rationalize testing during the 2ww because it means I’ll know when the HCG leaves my system and then in the future I won’t have to test the whole time I’ll just know when it should be out of my system and for God’s sake I just have too much going on and I need to know what’s going on in there, damnit!
So then he took pity on me and agreed. (And then probably plotted a time and place to retreat to in the near future, since I wasn’t even on the Clomid at that point and he was probably thinking “RUN.”)
I’m not sure I can actually give a good, rational reason for wanting to test the trigger. But do I have to?
I have been going back and forth about testing versus not testing for about a week now…
* being able to possibly watch a pregnancy as it is forming
* knowing sooner than later if you’re not pregnant
* having that little bit of knowledge every day, instead of being in the dark
* realizing a chemical pregnancy when you otherwise might not
* overthinking every “could-be” second line
* false positives giving false hope
To me, for this first cycle anyway, the pros far outweigh the cons. I fully understand there is a very real possibility that I could have a chemical pregnancy and—as a result of testing—know that I have it…whereas I might not know if I didn’t test. But I feel like there’s still a strong possibility of the beta bloodwork revealing a chemical pregnancy anyway.
I don’t know. With a year of TTC and two missed miscarriages behind me, I have yet to really, truly, be “TTC crazy.” Like I said before, I’ve never charted or temped or OPK’d. I think I can allow myself this one time to be a little loony. Regardless…I held onto the receipt. I think it’ll come right down to the night of the trigger, whether I’ll want to test the next morning or not. Who knows, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be overcome with a sense of calm and not want to test.
Well…okay, probably not. But maybe I won’t test daily at first…and will only test every other day. I don’t know. I can’t decide.
Anyway, these are my thoughts. Patiently awaiting the end of the Clomid, and CD10 for my first follicular ultrasound on Wednesday!