First, a PSA: my About Me page is up and running, if you’re interested.
I finished my month-long estrogen therapy on Thursday, which means I finished the five days of progesterone as well. Now we are once again playing the waiting game (isn’t TTC after miscarriage just one giant waiting game?) and anticipating the day when AF make its appearance. That in and of itself is weird, because I haven’t had a regular period since September. I’ll be calling my doctor’s office on CD1 so we can schedule a baseline ovarian ultrasound and officially get this first Clomid/HCG-trigger cycle underway.
Everything about this cycle is different. Absolutely everything.
When we first started trying, it wasn’t like we were really trying. I stopped taking the pill, and we went about our lives as normal. I didn’t chart or take temperatures or “schedule sex.” It was all very passive. And we were pregnant within two cycles.
The second time around was slightly different. I still wasn’t charting or temping, but I was using an app to try and figure out when I was ovulating (which was always wrong because my AFs were ridiculously late after the first D&E). When two cycles came and went and we still weren’t pregnant, and I had that “you’re most fertile after a procedure” nonsense floating in my head, we went to see my OB who assured me that stressing wouldn’t help and that I should instead focus on losing weight. We left that appointment and walked straight into the Weight Watchers downstairs and signed me up immediately. I let TTC fall to the back of my brain, lost over 10lbs, and didn’t even realize my period was late the following month. I had my second BFP.
This time, though, is different…because it’s the first time we are actually setting out to definitely get pregnant this cycle.
It’s not a wait-and-see type of thing. It’s not a “we’ll have sex whenever” kind of situation. No, it’s “I am giving myself this shot and we have to have sex these three days and then we test two weeks later.” There’s just something about how calculated this is that throws me. I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who’ve been doing this from the beginning, and I don’t know how you did it. The anticipation, the anxiety, the structure.
It’s a claustrophobic type of feeling, like I’m in a box with little space to move.
And yet…at the same time, I’m grateful for it. For all the specificity, and the timing. I know once CD1 does come about, I’ll only have to wait four weeks to find out if it worked or not. It’s different in that way, too. The fact that I won’t have to guess whether or when I ovulated, or if we had sex or not during ovulation…that I won’t be having 5- or 6-week cycles that trick me into thinking I’m pregnant when I’m not.
It’s weird, too, because we literally haven’t had TTC sex in over six months. Six friggin’ months. Four months since I was actively pregnant. What a long, long road it’s been to get here.
So, we wait. We wait until CD1. Then we wait until my follicles are ready. Then we wait until the end of the cycle to see if I’m pregnant or not.